Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

Wow. I have no words.

I did attachment parenting, co-sleeping, breastfed for 26 months and absolutely bloody loved it. It was absolutely brilliant for my baby and my mental health. But the first few weeks establishing that are tricky.

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than parenting how you describe. Leaving tiny babies on their own is barbaric. We don’t do that now because it is wrong. Good grief, your approach is absolutely nothing to be proud of. I wouldn’t even want to admit it.

Those suggesting reflux or CMPA - yes these may be an issue but this baby is TWELVE DAYS OLD. This is how babies of this age act. They are scared and don't understand where they are, being close to their mum is the only place they feel truly safe. Let's not pathologise this normal newborn behaviour just yet.

OP, teach your mum how to give a bottle of EBM and get her to take your baby for a bit.
If you want to give formula you can, but do get advice on how/when to supplement in order to protect your milk supply if you wish to continue BFing.

This bit is so hard and I can't imagine doing it alone. Please reach out to your MW/HV for extra support.

It is hard but hang in there as it won't last forever. In my experience babies start sleeping much better once they're 3 months old. Meanwhile co-sleeping (cot attached to your bed) is the best thing you could do for the baby and for yourself. Light swaddling will help, so will gently keeping your hand on their chest while they sleep. After they're 3 months old you could start giving formula feed before sleeping that will keep them full for longer, and once they start eating solid foods at 4 months they'll sleep even better, except when they're teething.

I did curl around mine to sleep in the day and it was so worth it. I just had a pillow under my head and baby at my breast. Felt natural and safe. Gave us both sleep.

Have you tried him with a dummy? I know some say not to give breastfed babies dummies but I did it did help a lot. I EBF until around 6 weeks. I introduced a top up bottle at about 6 weeks and did mixed feeding with them until about 7 months. I only stopped the BF because they had teeth and were biting me.

I used the ‘little ones’ app with my little one. The advice and guidance was incredible, I would highly recommend.

This. Breastfeeding and co-sleeping will get you way more sleep as a single parent than having to mess around with bottles in the middle of the night

I’m sorry but my dd was waking every 2-3 hours until she was 5 months old. For the first week she refused to sleep in her cot. The second week all her naps were in the cot so that she’d associate that with sleep. I stopped breast feeding after about a week.

Wow indeed. For someone with no words, you seem to have fund quite a few there!
Attachment parenting is on trend now. The way I did things was not at all unusual when I did them.
You fo you - yuour way sounds like utter misery to me. But that does not make me a worse parent than you, although clearly you think it does.
All things are cyclical.
There is a tendancy today to brush everything that's gone before as 'we know better now' but things do and will change. Today's advice, best practice and trends are not the line where perfection is drawn for ever.
Sorry to break it to you.

My DS was like this. I was told it's because breast milk isn't as filling and it's like trying to sleep next to the most delicious meal.

I kept at it with hardly any sleep. But you've given your baby a great start so you could perhaps try formula?

I do hope you get some rest soon.

Urgh, I remember these days and nights and my DC are late 20s now!

You're told to sleep when the baby does, but when you are EBF and the baby starts howling every 90 minutes for a feed 24/7, it's not funny.

Your bub is only tiny yet. Try and battle on for a few days or so if you can. I co slept with my 2nd (18m between them) with him stuck on my boob. I couldn't function otherwise. But when they're so tiny, it's really not safe.

I don't know if they're still a thing, but I resorted to one of those electric swing doodibs. Not sure if they're recommended now, but oh! DC would go to sleep and I'd grab an hour whilst draped over the washing machine, clothes airer, a dirty nappy...

This feels like an eternity, I know. You're exhausted. As others have said, it really will get better. Then they're 16 and have gone out, haven't come home by the time you said, and you can't sleep again!!

Congratulations though. My eldest is 24th January birthday and those first few weeks were like crawling through treacle. You've got it, though! You're a great mum, a tired one, but every great mum is tired! Means you're doing your absolute best with all the love in the world.

Bless you. Find anyone you can trust to support you in feeding baby, taking baby for a walk or in supporting your mum to look after baby. I would suggest using formula/expressed milk as well as bf and letting others feed baby as much as they will take for now. I don’t think you can overfeed a newborn. If baby will only fall asleep next to you can you ask your mum to watch you both sleep to be sure baby is safe? Just for now? I hope you are not reading this because you’re sleeping x

My youngest wasn’t great for sleeping in her cot/moses basket. I started swaddling her and she settled a bit better, not massively but enough for me to try and get some sleep inbetween.

The sleep deprivation is horrible and it feels like you’re never going to survive it, but I promise it does get better. Also, try and get as much sleep as you can during the day. Do you have anyone who’d accompany your mum on a walk with baby in the pram?

This is the answer.

Or safe cosleeping, with no covers or pillows for either of you, in a big empty bed with a rail, and breastfeeding lying down.

Breastfeeding is wonderful and kids get benefits their entire life. This sleep situation is temporary. Formula fed babies do sleep better, because they are struggling to digest the UPF. Please don't give up BFing.

OP I really empathise. Our DD was a rubbish sleeper and basically wanted to be latched full time. I found breastfeeding very painful and also have large boobs, which I think makes it harder. I would try doing night feeds with hungry baby formula and see if that gets you a few hours each night. Especially if you are pumping, your supply should remain - if that’s what you want to do.

Honestly I would cosleep (so long as you don't smoke, drink, or take medications that affect sleep). Have a look here:
https://flo.health/being-a-mom/your-baby/baby-sleep/positions-for-cosleeping

Or if you're worried you could co sleep during the day while your mum is awake and in the same room. That would keep your baby from crying while you get some much needed sleep.

Do not discourage a breastfeeding mum to switch to formula when breastfeeding is not the issue. This has angered the hell out of me.

No, fed is minimal. Breastmilk is best for babies. It’s a fact. Breastfeeding is NOT the issue here, please don’t advise a breastfeeding mum to switch to formula. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

I feel for you. My eldest daughter was like this, she just never slept unless I was holding her. It was so hard.
when I had my second baby we got a bedside cot so that she could sleep with us. Would this be an option for you?
Also I would recommend going to your GP, your bay may have reflux, which you could get some medication for, or they could refer you to a sleep clinic. Sleep deprivation is so hard x

Jesus Christ don’t do this to a newborn baby who just wants to be close to its mother! Don’t leave a newborn baby in the dark by itself when all it’s looking for is comfort.

I remember those first few weeks. Nothing can prepare you for the tiredness.

controversial I know, but I co-slept with my first. Me on my side, her next to me. I also used to put her down on her stomach as that’s how she liked to sleep, with her knees tucked up underneath her.

my boobs would be easily accessible and she got to the point where she would help herself to my breast during the night and neither of us would really wake up.

She slept through pretty consistently from around 6 weeks old once I’d cracked the daytime routine of eat, activity, nap on 3 hour repeat.

She moved into her own cot from around 9 months but if she ever woke up, I’d just bring her straight into my bed.

If she can help during the day then try to sleep as much as you can then. Wear a t shirt for a day or 2 then get your mum to wear it when taking care of your bshy while you sleep. If she smells like you then your baby my be more settled

The first days can be brutal.

I am gobsmacked and so, so disheartened by the replies discouraging the OP from breastfeeding.
breastfeeding is NOT the issue here, sleep is. (Or lack of)

There is absolutely no evidence that formula makes babies sleep. No wonder the breastfeeding rates are so low. Vulnerable sleep deprived new mothers will believe this crap, which is so sad.

Breastmilk is best for babies. That’s a fact.

OP, co sleeping and feeding lying down is what to do. I did it with both of mine. Please don’t switch to formula when breastfeeding is not your problem.

Newborns just want to be close. Please don’t leave your baby alone in a dark room as some ridiculous poster has mentioned. Breastfeed them, be close to them, co sleep safely.

Absolutely agree. It’s heartbreaking to read let alone think about. I did the same as you and I as a result I have created strong, healthy attachments with my children.

Try the happy co sleeper on Facebook for advice on co sleeping