Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

Yes, the sleepless months with a newborn are a nightmare. You need to teach him to sleep when not lying on you, for your sanity. Keep persevering with the cot. Here are some things that I found helped with my getting my reluctant babies to nap in a cot...
*Make sure you get a burp out after feeding. I completely failed to understand how important this when my son was small. A baby with trapped wind won't sleep for more that a couple of minutes without waking up crying.
*Swaddle, so the baby still feels cuddled when moved to the cot.
*Buy a small, brushed cotton sheet which you stuff down your t-shirt for a few hours, so that it smells of you. When you want the baby to nap, put the cotton sheet over your arm and hold your baby with his head resting on it. When he is asleep transfer both sheet and baby to the cot. The smell of you on the sheet will reassure him you are close by. The warmth of his head already on the sheet will help him stay asleep when you transfer him (often they wake when their head touches a cold bed).
*Use a dummy, but just for sleep time. I had originally planned not to use a dummy but after a month I realised that my son was using my nipple as a pacifier (like you mentioned in your update) and decided that, if I was going to allow him to use me a pacifier, then I might as well buy him a dummy and give myself a break. If you want it to be effective for helping sleep then only use it at nap time. It won't be as effective for sleep if the baby is also allowed it when awake.
*Don't give up breastfeeding. There are just many bad sleepers who are bottle fed as bad sleepers who are breastfed. However, if you could teach your mum how to give an occasional bottle, that would be handy for enabling you to have a longer sleep now and then. Perhaps in the morning if she isn't able to stay up late and do a night feed?
*Teach your baby the difference between night and day by making sure that at night it is dark and quiet and boring. Cuddles and milk in the dark, yes. But no switching the light on, singing or fun at night. Even at an young age they can learn these daily rhythms, which helps then form a routine.
*I'm not convinced by all these replies suggesting co-sleeping. When my babies were young all the experts said not to do it. If you do co-sleep, then at some time when they are older, you'll need to convince then to no longer sleep your bed and sleep in their own instead, which will be very difficult. I know people who still have kids getting up in the night at crawling into the parents' bed aged 11.
Best of luck!

I agree with this!

I was you OP. And DS still doesn’t sleep through at 5. Although the health visitor and all the NHS literature says to avoid co-sleeping there are safe ways to do it and my health visitor recommended it for me as weighing things up, it was more dangerous to not get any sleep and potentially drop him or accidentally fall asleep with him in a bad position through my lack of sleep.

I made sure it was just me in the bed, no loose blankets or garments, I slept with my knees bent up and left arm outstretched to stop me rolling over and it was a game changer. I could breastfeed lying down when he needed it. Tried formula but didn’t make a difference to how he slept

I cant read all the messages as theres so many, so apologies as most of my suggestions will have been said, but what worked for me was:

1. until about 3 months it really did feel like just survival - sleeping during the day when possible just to get anything.
2. Introducing a dummy
3. formula feeding
4. swaddle / swaddle up with the little arms.
5. safe co- sleeping
6. the purflow nest

Have you tried infacol? It was a game changer for ds who was so difficult and clingy at night. You can use is for breastfeeding as well as bottle feeding.

OK OP this is exactly what you should do, in my opinion:

1. Buy an Owlet smart sock so you can be safe in the knowledge baby is breathing
2. Swaddle baby
3. Co-sleep
4. Pump up white noise to highest setting - wear ear plugs if you can’t stand it
5. Gripe Water
6. Formula feed as much as baby wants
7. Good burp and pat to sleep then lay next to you so you can continue patting
8. PITCH BLACK room
9. Hopefully get yourself some sleep

Have a look at ‘The Beyond Sleep training project’ on Facebook - great at giving info on normal infant sleep and how best to manage getting as much sleep as you can when babies are being challenging with their sleep needs

You’ve had lots of suggestions and support so I won’t add more to the list, except to say -

Get someone round you can trust, whether that’s your husband, a friend, a family member, a neighbour or even a paid babysitter.

Have some pumped milk in bottles ready for them in the fridge.

And GO TO BED.

I didn’t really have a ‘village’ when my little one was born, and sadly my family didn’t show up for me in the way I had hoped/anticipated (especially having seen now my parents stepped up for my sister with her children); even when I outright asked for help, which is something I really struggle with, I was told “you just have to get used to it” a lot. 😔 For context, I am disabled and struggle with pain and fatigue and also ended up with an emergency c-section, so I was REALLY struggling when my husband went back to work.

BUT there was one day when my mother came round and took my baby, and told me to go to bed. And I slept. And I felt so much better for it. I was only able to get about 2-3 hours (she hadn’t told me how long she was prepared to stay - turns out it was all day, and I wish I’d known that, but never mind) but that was the biggest chunk I’d had in about six weeks and it helped so so much.

We were lucky that our baby was, for the most part, a fairly decent sleeper and consistently woke around every 3 hours for a feed during the night. They were part bottle, part breast fed as I had issues with my supply.

But part of my sleep problem was that a rather traumatic birth experience left my with a lot of part-partum anxiety, which unfortunately did develop into post natal depression, so my brain just wouldn’t let me switch off to fall asleep. It also takes me a long time to fall asleep, so between the two, I was just barely falling asleep by the time my baby was waking again for their next feed.

Right now, you are at your breaking point and you NEED to sleep. Even if it’s just a few hours in one go. So get that someone you can trust to look after your baby, and GET SOME SLEEP.

And believe me - this doesn’t last forever. You won’t believe me right now, but in a few months you’ll be looking back at this stage and wistfully wishing you could go back to it. Babies grow SO quickly, and your baby will never again be as small as they are right now. It is bittersweet watching them grow. But I promise you, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck!

I’m a single parent and have been since my baby was born, I can honestly say that yes it’s damn tough at times when they are not sleeping but you will get through it because you have to.

The majority of babies which co-sleep do not end up crawling into bed with their parent age 11! Please don't worry about this.
What I will say as that all the children I know who have been reluctant to stop sleeping in their mothers bed when older all turned out to have neurodiversity. It's possible that neurodiverse babies sleep less well so are therefore more likely to co-sleep. So possibly this could be why it might seem like cosleeping leads to children still sleeping in your bed when age 11 but its very very unlikely.
DS was a terrible sleeper and wouldn't sleep unless on me, woke as soon as I put him down and used me as a dummy. After one too many nights where I fell asleep feeding him in my arms I switched to side feeding and co-sleeping and it was so much better. He gradually transitioned out of co-sleeping by age 3 (once he was around 4 months old we always started the night in the crib/cot so those periods got longer and longer as he got older).

I'd also add that as soon as he could roll in a sleeping bag he started rolling onto his tummy and sleeping with his legs tucked under him. I expect if he'd been born 40 years ago when people put babies to sleep on their tummy he'd have slept much better as a new-born. Some babies are only comfy on their tummies I think which is one reason why they like to sleep on you. I'm not suggesting you do this but just explaining that this is another reason why some babies don't sleep well.

Agreed, as soon as my baby could roll I let him sleep on his front and sleep improved dramatically.

I co slept with mine and during the day my mum would take them out in the pram and I would go to bed.

You poor thing. Honestly I would recommend cosleeping, it saved my sanity. You can do it according to the lullaby trust. It goes get easier, sometimes it takes longer than others but you need to do what you need to do to survive at this age.

This is the best resource about infant sleep

https://www.basisonline.org.uk/

Please do not do this - a Bean bag is NOT a safe space

Same. Or one of those open cots that attach next to the bed, if you don’t your baby in the bed with you ?

Cosleeping and breastfeeding is the biological norm.

I’m pregnant with number 4 and swear by my sleeping situation.

Newborn sleeps in our bed until at least 6 months, breastfed on demand.

When ready they move to their room - a double floor bed, Montessori style, feed to sleep and leave.

They sleep longer and longer stretches without you, and before you know it they’re sleeping through the night.

The best bit, your bedroom remains your own - if your child wakes you simply go to sleep in their room.

Minimal wakings for everyone and absolutely no crying.

A dummy may help

Swaddling may help

can your mum take the baby for a walk in the day so that you get get a nap in?

It will 100% pass. My baby was breastfed and exactly the same. He wouldn’t sleep in his cot for the first 2-3 weeks and then it switched and he started doing a few hours in a row so it will happen. You just have to be patient (I know it doesn’t help). This is my second baby and in my experience the first 6 weeks are the worse, then the sleep gets a lot better. From my friends who don’t BF I am not sure the formula necessarily helps and I did try and do a dream feed with formula but it never helped, but definitely worth a try! Whatever helps you and your situation. Also with formula your mum might be able to help at night?

it’s a while from now but I would also recommend sleep training if he goes through a sleep regression at 4 months. You can do sleep training from 6 months and it has been a life changer for us. It’s not for everyone but they have both slept through the night since then. Good luck!

I’ve not read all the replies. But I have read what you’ve said.

This will pass but I understand that right now that tunnel has no light at the end of it.

I can’t answer on formula amounts as mine are too old but I can say my first was like this and whilst I wanted to ebf I did use formula for a few weeks for a feed or two. And after, there was no problem for me to build back up my volumes of breast milk. I realise it’s not the same for everyone but right now it’s important for you to get as much sleep as possible. So do it if you want to.

Try a few of those ready made bottles. Not the cheapest but if you buy a few different ones there is choice in case something doesn’t suit baby. And then when you’ve found one that works, you can buy a bigger pack.

If your mum isn’t confident with baby, do you have a friend who might be? Who would be willing to push t6e baby out in a pram for a couple of hours and who will give the bottle?

This is the time to call on those people who said “anything you need, let me know”.

If not a friend, will funds stretch to a doula for some restbite? Even if it meant your mum going out with doula and baby if it made you feel more comfortable.

I honestly think that the lack of sleep makes everything harder and once you’ve been able to secure a few periods of rest over a few days, you will feel better and see straighter.

Also, have you tried a dummy? All of mine were bf and used dummies. I never bought into the nipple confusion thing and mine all met weight targets etc.

Good luck. And this will pass.

ps congrats on baby.

I haven't rtft but i guess i will probably get a beating for this ... but here goes.
There are two people in this equation but only one is being prioritised. I think we need to start making the mother's wellbeing at least as important as baby's, even more so because the baby is dependent on her.
To the many posters saying all this is completely normal - it might be now but it didn't used to be. When my first was born in the 1990s by the time you got to six weeks, you were halfway through maternity leave, so getting the baby to sleep a decent stretch overnight was an absolute priority.
Back then, there was no official guidence to keep baby in your room. My son was in the moses basket in our room for two nights. No one slept at all so we moved him into his own room, in the dark, and overnight he went to three- hour stretches of sleep, wake for a feed, then straight back to sleep. He slept 7pm - 6am at 10 weeks old.
By the time my daughter was born in 2004, having them in your room overnight had become a thing so we complied for three nights. No one slept. We moved her into her own room and she was sleeping right through 6pm-7am at 12 weeks.
My son (2007) went straight into his own room from day one and was sleeping properly at 8 weeks.
I had a schedule for all three through the day of wake, nappy change, feed, play/cuddle then BACK INTO CARRYCOT for the nap. No cuddling to sleep, no 'nap trapping', no babies 'refusing' to be put down. You have to be firm as you need to prioritise your own wellbeing to enable you to care for your baby properly.
Overnight, feed in the dark with minimal engagement. Night time is not play time.
I realise my sample size is only three. But it worked for me. I am also aware of SIDS advice and the drop in deaths between the 90s and 2000s but that was largely down to the back to sleep campaign.
Nowadays i read of women spending hours 'nap trapped', being scared to go to the loo and beating themselves up because they left their bsby to cry for 5 minutes.
There are two people in the equation and i honestly believe that they way things are recommended to be done now are a fast track to maternal mental health issues and PND. I would have been utterly miserable never getting a break from my baby, not even in the evening or overnight.
Your baby needs to fit in with you. An adultt going to bed at 7pm because baby can't be left alone is ludicrous.
Not a popular opinion but guess what? YOUR BABY WON'T REMEMBER BEONG IN A DARK ROOM AT THREE WEEKS OLD.
Today's parents are tying themselves in knots and they need to take charge.

OP can you not co-sleep? I was a single parent and gave up sleeping separately to save my sanity

Just realized baby is not even 2 weeks. Things should start to improve soon and it’s natural to feel low at this point, although horrible. My baby was like that. We co-slept quite comfortably. Although they did sometimes lie on top of me 🤣

It's not a myth that formula fed babies sleep better. In your position I would switch. You sound desperate, and giving formula is a perfectly fine way to feed a baby. Does he sleep in pram when you're out? Practice pram sleeps during day, wheel pram into house once sleeping, see if he stays like that. Then once you've cracked that, he sleeps in pram at night if he needs to. Works well if you have a detachable bassinet.

The first few weeks with your first are so tough OP, nothing can prepare you for it.

A cot is a big space for a newborn. As PP mentioned I would also put mine in their moses basket inside the cot. I also slightly raised the cot mattress with a folded blanket underneath so it was a very gentle slope, none of my babies liked being completely flat until they were a bit bigger. If you do this it's v important to do feet-to-foot (?) with both moses basket and baby to avoid baby slipping down under any covers.

I also used to warm up the moses basket with a hot water bottle. One of mine especially would wake on being put down after having fallen asleep on the breast. I figured warm body to cold bed was a factor. Obviously the hot water bottle is completely removed before baby is put down. It just takes the chill off the sheet I found.

I did co sleep sometimes too, but actually put the moses basket on the bed next to me so I felt a bit safer that way.

Also a dummy really helped mine, not sure why but it helped with their wind.

Can your mum gain some confidence in bottle feeding by doing this with you in the daytime until she feels able to do it alone?

Talk to your health visitor/mid wife too, ask if the charity homestart can offer help. They are so great usually, and might be able to give a few hours support in the daytime with feeding while you sleep. Maybe you can even contact them yourself.

I hope you get some rest soon.