Baby feeds hourly at night

[Inneedofsupport]

I’m absolutely broken and I can’t do it anymore. Husband and baby are asleep next to me. I’m on my 4th wake up already and it’s not 3am yet when the torture really starts.

I think my 9mo is reverse cycling. She is waking every 1-2hr and feeds. I have tried not giving her the boob but she moans and cries until she gets it. She is in a side car cot next to me. In her earlier months I ended up co sleeping because I needed more sleep. Whenever I lifted her out of the next to me and fed her and tried to put her back in, she’d wake and I’d end up holding her. So I decided to co sleep so I’d get more sleep. Health visitor told me to learn how to feed lying down and continue ‘feeding responsively’ Then I got this cot inside car’d. And so here we are. Health visitors aren’t here in the night are they…

I’ve been trying gentle sleep training as I thought she wasn’t ‘linking cycles’. In quotes as I’m not even sure it’s a thing anymore. She now doesn’t fall asleep with boob and I have to walk her. But in the night she feeds and goes back to sleep. But I can’t.

In the day there is not set times for feeds. I logged feed after feed after feed and never ever saw a pattern. She now just feeds about 4 times in total daytime. 3 solids meals daily. Porridge/eggs. Lunch maybe a cheese sandwich bites and banana, dinner tonight was beef and rice and she ate loads.

Sorry I’m rambling. I don’t know how to fix it. I want her to sleep in the cot and feed properly in the day time. Like all my other mum friends do. I don’t want to ‘give in’ and get a floor bed.

People keep asking me if she’s sleeping through the night. If I’m enjoying motherhood. No and no. My mum keeps saying she thinks I look a bit tired. Husband says he’ll help with night settling but he doesn’t even hear her wake up. I tell him I do this feeding like this so everyone gets more sleep. Don’t think he really appreciates what it means for me and what would his night would look like if just got up and went in the other room and locked the door.

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Can you offer more milk in the day? Four times doesn’t sound like much.

Thank you @Treatingmyself. I’m sleep deprived and I can’t make sense of anything as it is.

Also are you talking to anyone (talking therapy) about how you feel?

I offer her constantly. The four feeds are the ones that she actually feeds for more than a minute or two. I am constantly whipping boob out and offering it. Have always done so ever since she had too much weight loss after three days and we re admitted to hospital. She ‘asks’ for two clearly I can see now - lunch and evening. The others I think are mid morning and maybe one other. She is very distracted during feeds. In the night she actively searches for boob.

Her nappy is really heavy in the morning and she’s never hungry first thing. I think these are tell tale signs of reverse cycling? Maybe.

I was on the wait list for CBT to address the PND. Waited for four months. Was offered 6 30min sessions. Three sessions in I realised it just wasn’t working. Was told to write my worries down and put time aside to worry each day. That’s it. I was hoping for some practical techniques to interrupt my spiralling. I’ve had pregnancy loss, been though ivf, cant have another baby now. Big life changing stuff here. So I said after three sessions I don’t think it’s working so the treatment has stopped and I’m back on the waiting list for counselling. 4-6 week wait, I’m being prioritised apparently.

Op, you sound utterly broken. Something needs to change especially before you go back to work as you won’t physically manage.

There is a lot to unpick and I feel that you could benefit from some psychological support. Have you had any counselling/therapy?

It sounds like you need to work out what your priorities are. There have been suggestions of leaving her, adding in bottles etc but you’re not keen. But something needs to change otherwise this will carry on.

You have done an amazing job with 9m of breast feeding and no one, least of all yourself should judge you if you decide to end that journey. If you’re not getting much rest I wonder if the quality and amounts of milk are declining.

Your husband needs to step up. You need to wake him to support you especially at weekends. Do you have a spare room that you can sleep in? Can you sleep during the day at weekends (assuming that’s his days off).

My kids are much older now but 3 meals and 4 feeds during the day sounds about right from memory. Are you taking her out at all during the day? Could she need more stimulation? Im Concerned about you not socialising at all and wonder if it could be helpful for you both to get out more.

i hope you find some solutions and get some rest.

I should say I’ve already reached back out to the peri natal MH team for next steps. I’ve told them what happened with the CBT and asked if they have more specialist perinatal counselling available. I had self referred to them initially months ago after the bf issues. I didn’t think things would get worse after the bfing difficulties and bonding issues. But here we are.

Do you want permission to stop breast feeding? You have permission.

You’ve done an amazing job getting to 9 months on top of PND (been there, done that) and your baby will be absolutely fine with formula. She’s eating well during the day, so I doubt she’s hungry at night. She’s just got into a habit of comfort feeding by the sounds of it.

You need the support of your partner (or your mum or a good friend) to sort this out. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason, and your PND won’t get better if you’re not sleeping. You know what they say on planes about putting your oxygen mask on first? That’s what you need to do now.

Get Christmas out of the way, and book yourself a weekend in a Premier Inn. Leave your baby with your support person and get some sleep and relaxation. Whoever has the baby can feed her formula overnight, and she will be absolutely fine. Don’t bother introducing a bottle, she will be fine with a sippy cup. When you come home, just keep giving her formula overnight and hopefully it will break the cycle.

Thank you @Toadstoollover. I had had her at an activity nearly every day. Baby groups and classes. Loved them. Met other mums (and I have a really good bunch of friends now) but I tried to prioritise her naps as the sleep plan im following said I need to rule out over tiredness. So we’ve not been to classes much in the last two weeks as I’ve been extending her naps to at least one hour each (2naps a day). I rescue them with walking (or feeding, but I’m trying to cut that out). She does feed before each nap. Between naps we will play at home for one wake window and I take her out for the other - to the shops or for a walk. She will sit on my lap at a cafe or something. I want to take her in the swings but I think it’s too cold atm (but we did when it was warmer) I need to get out daily for my MH.

edited for typos.

@Toadstoollover Yes I’ve had parent infant therapy and CBT which didn’t work and on a waiting list for counselling now. I’ve reach back out to the peri natal MH team. Thank you so much for your post.

@FlatWhiteExtraHotI don’t think I want to stop completely. But I totally understand the suggestion. I absolutely needed permission about 6 weeks in and told the perinatal MH team I want a professional to tell me to stop. They didn’t. I think they should have. Anyway bfing is well established now. Show doesn’t cry after feeds anymore. And I can do it much more easily. I do love the moment when she feeds and we look at each other. It’s the one thing I can do that no else can. I wouldn’t mind doing it at night so much it’s just every hour doesn’t seem right especially as she’s not having that much in the day time (I don’t think?). But if she really does need it hourly at night then yes I think a sippy cup may help. But I think she needs more in the day. I don’t know.

I don’t think I do want to stop completely but if I want to transfer my last embryo then I was told I’d have to. When I got that news I cried. So I think that means I want to continue bf. But I will need to stop at about a year if I want to try the last embryo.

Yes it’s comfort feeds. Not sure mum can help
much. I do love her but she often says the wrong thing at the worst times. Telling me how tired I look and how amazing my husband is because he washed the dishes or stuck some food in the oven.

Oh OP, if. I could give you a hug I would. Being awake at night whilst the world sleeps is a special kind of torture and if you feel your mental health has declined, it’s because that’s what sleep deprivation does to you. All those negative thoughts about losing the bond are because your brain isn’t able to heal and rest. You aren’t mad, or bad, or a bad mom for thinking any of these things but they’re also not true. There is no way that a 9month baby would lose its bond with its mother because you slept in a different room for a night or didn’t immediately nurse.
Shes not feeding hourly because she’s hungry, she’s feeding hourly because she’s using you as a dummy. Sucking is a sleep inducer and it’s how she’s learned to settle herself. It concerns me that you’ve cut back on going out to improve her naps - at 9months I think you’ve gone the wrong way personally. Admittedly I had a very busy active child but at 9months whilst I wouldn’t expect to drop a nap, I’d potentially think about reducing or changing the layout of them to improve night time sleep and make sure she’s getting enough stimulation in between. It could be that she’s actually not tired enough and therefore restless at night (though I note you say it’s been since 5 months). isolating yourself might seem like a survival tactic but it’s actually often the insidious part of declining mental health that keeps you away from people who can support and buoy you up.
im not one to talk about removing night feeding - I’ve just given a bottle to my 26month old who has one at 4.30am every night. Bad habits indeed. But if you can bear a week of (more) difficult nights and your husband is on board I think it would benefit you to stand firm at night. If she’s eating 3 meals a day and breastfeeding as well she doesn’t need milk at night, physically. If you wanted you could try to feed at, say, midnight, as a dream sleep and then move to another room. Even if you say right I’ll take back over at 5am, that’s only 5hours without boob. She can smell your milk so it’s easier if you’re in another room and your husband tries to settle, but if you can’t bear that just stand firm on no boob between 12-5. You might get very little sleep the first few nights but you will most likely see things improve.
If you think she’s got reflux it’s worth going back to the GP now she’s a bit older and see if they can give her some baby Gaviscon or similar. We still use infacol occasionally, straight from the syringe if he seems unsettled.

I'm sorry you’ve had such a difficult journey, and I’m sorry your professional network didn’t give you ‘permission’. It such a minefield - for some they would forever have hated the professionals for not standing firm and supporting them in breastfeeding, for others it was a kindness they deserved and didn’t get. I saw a friend go through similar, and as someone who gave up breastfeeding after a week I just couldn’t understand the obsession. But other friends are now evangelical about BF and decry the lack of practical support and what they see as promotion of formula (I felt the opposite, that I was vilified for not breast feeding, you can’t win).

I hope you get some support from the mental health teams and make sure your husband steps up.

edit just to add: sometimes I find it easier when I know I’ve got a bad night ahead that I don’t plan to sleep. DS was poorly recently and I was up all night with him whilst he dozed on and off - I put a film on my phone and headphones in (I could see him if he woke), had a cup of tea, read a book. Then DH took over at 5am and I went elsewhere for a few hours interrupted until he got ready for work at 7am. I find that better than the torture of dropping off just to be woken again. Obviously not suitable for a daily routine, but for the first few nights of withdrawing feeds if you want to be the one settling her, I’d personally just settle in for a bad night rather than trying to sleep.

Hugs op. Sleep deprivation is used as torture because it is. I know by 9 months I was losing my mind especially as I went back to work. Fortunately, she suddenly slept through at 1 with no help from us.

I hope your GP can get you better help for your PND. Sounds like it's complicated by the long ivf journey to get there.

And you need to prioritise you so that you can continue being the best mum possible. A few thoughts:

• move her into her own room. She may settle better if she can't smell you. As you said its comfort nursing.
• share night wakings. Sleep on the sofa with white noise for a few hours if you need to while your husband settles her. I couldn't sleep if I could hear her, even if my dh was doing well with her
• add in some focused you time each week. A gentle exercise class, a walk alone or with a friend, a long bath, whatever helps you switch off mum brain and feel like yourself again
• don't beat yourself up. This is hard. You're doing great.

No advice just hugs. My 10.5 old has always been the worst sleeper but the last month or so he’s been even worse if that was even possible

currently wide awake after I just got him back off to sleep after hourly wakes. Dh in spare room so he can at least sleep because ds wakes between 5.30-6 so he takes him down so I can get a bit of sleep

everyone kept telling me it’ll get better but it never has and I am so tired

I would recommend a sleep training
method which includes putting her to sleep in her own cot and with interval check-ins by either parent. I have absolutely been there with hourly wake-ups and following the Ferber sleep training method solved our problems within 2/3 nights, saved my sanity.

Does she have a dummy? Or comforter?

No advice as our little one is only 10 weeks old, but all the hugs for you @Inneedofsupport. You’re going through a really tough time, made all the harder for your brain being mashed through a sieve by sleep deprivation. That you’ve made it this far is testament to how strong you are - like others have said, try and build in a few breaks here and there every week but otherwise just know that this will pass. Right now, you’re in the trenches and it feels like the war will never end. It will. It always does. No phase lasts forever. Hold onto that.

Put her in her own room, shes smelling your milk and using you as a dummy, shes not feeding really.
Put her in her own room and for 1 week your husband needs to do night feeds and follow a consistent method to help her self settle. It will be a hard few days initially but it's not good for anyone, baby included to be waking every hour.
I think you're killing yourself trying to do everything the "right way". This is a time you need to step back and ask for help cause I think your sleep deprivation and PND is confusing you.
I stopped feeding my first child because I knew I would end up with PND and I wanted more than anything to enjoy him and being his mum. Our bond is 1000% and hes formula fed, hes also nearly 2 and still gets a bottle of formula before bed cause it's part of our routine and settles him. Sometimes you have to ignore the information about what a child should be doing or not doing. I told my HV I still give a bottle of formula and she didnt really care, they have to tell you its not advised as part of their job but thats it. If she had commented I'd have ignored her. They also cant advise you to stop breastfeeding but I think you should consider it. How long did you want to continue BF for, what are you worried will change negatively if you stop?

Justchillbabysleep is a good gentle sleep method.

Mine did this practically daily until 11 months. Tough times I legit thought I was gonna die with sleep deprivation. Stay hydrated and positive it does end!!

I had one bf baby who slept through from about 4 months, although was an early riser. Weaning was sort of mutual and gradual, just dropped one feed after another. The second baby was much more like yours, fed hourly all night. I went back to work at 11 months and at that point decided for both our sakes that I would just give up and go cold turkey because no amount of offering bottles or dh and night helped. As soon as they were in their own room and the only milk on offer was formula they began sleeping through....though were an early riser (5am) till they began school.

This. Been there too (hence my user name, I had no imagination available to me I was so sleep deprived when I made this account in the middle of the night once!). You don’t have to cut out night feeds completely with this method if you think it’s too harsh, you can just choose to not feed before ‘x’ time. Also, if you don’t want to leave baby and do check ins then you can send husband in to try settle, it just might take longer.
All the best, it’s horrible and you’re doing amazing.

Have you had baby checked for posterior tongue tie? It could be that baby is feeding inefficiently so unable to get hind milk. An osteopath may also help, baby might be holding tension and if unable to find a neutral comfy position be requiring you for more comfort. I’ve been there and it’s hard work. You’re doing a great job. I hope things improve for you soon.