Baby feeds hourly at night

[Inneedofsupport]

I’m absolutely broken and I can’t do it anymore. Husband and baby are asleep next to me. I’m on my 4th wake up already and it’s not 3am yet when the torture really starts.

I think my 9mo is reverse cycling. She is waking every 1-2hr and feeds. I have tried not giving her the boob but she moans and cries until she gets it. She is in a side car cot next to me. In her earlier months I ended up co sleeping because I needed more sleep. Whenever I lifted her out of the next to me and fed her and tried to put her back in, she’d wake and I’d end up holding her. So I decided to co sleep so I’d get more sleep. Health visitor told me to learn how to feed lying down and continue ‘feeding responsively’ Then I got this cot inside car’d. And so here we are. Health visitors aren’t here in the night are they…

I’ve been trying gentle sleep training as I thought she wasn’t ‘linking cycles’. In quotes as I’m not even sure it’s a thing anymore. She now doesn’t fall asleep with boob and I have to walk her. But in the night she feeds and goes back to sleep. But I can’t.

In the day there is not set times for feeds. I logged feed after feed after feed and never ever saw a pattern. She now just feeds about 4 times in total daytime. 3 solids meals daily. Porridge/eggs. Lunch maybe a cheese sandwich bites and banana, dinner tonight was beef and rice and she ate loads.

Sorry I’m rambling. I don’t know how to fix it. I want her to sleep in the cot and feed properly in the day time. Like all my other mum friends do. I don’t want to ‘give in’ and get a floor bed.

People keep asking me if she’s sleeping through the night. If I’m enjoying motherhood. No and no. My mum keeps saying she thinks I look a bit tired. Husband says he’ll help with night settling but he doesn’t even hear her wake up. I tell him I do this feeding like this so everyone gets more sleep. Don’t think he really appreciates what it means for me and what would his night would look like if just got up and went in the other room and locked the door.

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Oh, ive felt that. After babies my husband and i have a theory that if you get 3 hours consecutive sleep at at least one point over night you feel basically ok. If you dont manage that, you very rapidly start to feel like the world is ending.

I think one possible answer here is your husband. He needs to take a shift while you get a few hours (doesnt even need to be the whole night) in a different room. He'll find his own ways of settling her. And it'll be fine. Thats what i would do.

The thing that i hear most in your posts is the worry and the guilt. About breaking the bond or giving her a bottle etc. You need to spin this in your mind so that you are looking after yourself so that you can be the best mum you can be for your baby.

For what its worth, id worry less about what you should be doing (exept saftey related stuff obvs) and do whatever you need to do to survive this hideous sleep torture right now whether thats sticking your mattress on the floor for a bit or introducing bottles for a couple of months. All of these decisions feel really loaded especially in the context of years of ivf and difficulty breast feeding, but i promise, in 6 months, whatever you did to survive this wont be something you are still thinking about.

Another thing I’ve thought of @Inneedofsupport; are you watching a lot of parenting TikToks? Some of the things you’re saying are coming across as a bit, I’m not sure how to say this nicely, scripted maybe?

Things like reverse cycling, sleep plans, worrying about bonding. As I mentioned, I had terrible PND with my first, and unlike you I didn’t have the sense to get help. Your adherence to rigid routines as one of the few things you feel able to control brings back SO many memories (it was nearly 30 years ago in my case).

Step away from the internet and trust your judgement. Your baby sounds happy, healthy and much-loved and you won’t do your MH any favours by following “perfect mummies” who are only showing you a snapshot of their day. At least on MN you will get a more balanced range of advice from mums who aren’t being paid to lie about how great everything is!

I agree with PP who say it's time for the cot in their own room.
Then when they actually start crying, kick your DH and send him in to sort it.
She's not really hungry. He could offer water, and then resettle her.
I think when the baby is physically close to you, you hear every little moan and it's easy to jump in too soon. If left they will often re-settle themselves. Similarly, they are disturbed by your movements etc.

Saying that, one of mine did revert to 2 hourly feeds at 8 months for no apparent reason. Luckily it only lasted a few weeks. She wasn't really eating solids though.

Just realised baby is still with you! Time to put in her own room and get your husband doing some of the wake ups

There's a sleep regression at this age, DD has just gone through it at 8 months. It is a BITCH of a regression, it almost broke me. Then one night it's over, as quick as that. Just give cuddles, give the boob, lay with the baby, do whatever you need to do to cope. It will be over soon.

Thanks all so much for your replies especially those of you who replied in the middle of the night and shit o clock in the morning. I appreciate everything you’ve all said.

To answer a few things.

No dummy. My understanding is that these should be phased out by one as there can be an impact on speech and so I never wanted to introduce one. If I’d known I’d end up like this then maybe I’d do it differently though. I don’t know if I should introduce at this stage? But yes I am a human dummy.

No comforter. Again, I’m trying to follow the (NHS) guidance where you need to keep a clear cot until one.

She has been checked for tongue tie and doesn’t have it.

I did take her to a cranial osteopath when she was 4/5 months old 3 or 4 sessions. I don’t think it made any difference to her feeding. Any difference I think occurred because she got bigger and her digestive system improved (there was a long wait list for the osteopath).

I don’t use tiktok so none of this is from there! I get all of my information from the NHS site and any other sites they recommend. Trying to stick to official guidance. If I talk about other mums its mums I know irl. My mum friend network. Of course they don’t have perfect sleep and it’s not all hearts and flowers. But many say their babies at least fall asleep independently. Some say they just wake up for one dream feed. I would like my baby to fall asleep independently at least. That would feel like progress. So I’ve been trying to work on that.

And also my mum keeps asking if she’s sleeping through, if I’m getting a bit more rest now she’s older. So it makes me think ‘should I be? Is there something wrong here?’

On the bonding this is something I felt wasn’t happening on a visceral level. I knew something wasn’t clicking quite soon after she was born and I was struggling to feed. I think the long IVF journey made something hard to connect to the pregnancy and this carried over to the birth and then babe in arms. I never believed it would happen that I would have a live birth. There were also complications during pregnancy and I was given information on termination. We carried on and she is fine. But all that time I sort of switched off. And it was hard to switch back on again. This is not something that came to be from social media influence at all. If it had I might have been able to talk myself out of it all. But it was in my gut and that is why it felt so incredibly distressing. I felt so upset and disappointed by it. I told the MH I could not believe I felt this way after such a long journey. Co sleeping helped but now it’s working against me.

Reverse cycling - well I googled something like ‘why does my baby feed every hour at night’ and this came up. So I thought it was a possibility.

Sleep plan - during triple feeding we had to keep a record of all feeds including how long on each breast, and poos and wees. We were doing this on paper, it started in the hospital. Then I found the Huckleberry app which enables much easier logging and we started using that. I really wanted to establish a bf pattern and so logged all feeds but never saw one. In desperation one night I upgraded to premium and requested a plan. This plan is to help break the feed to sleep association. One thing they said to set up a good foundation is to eliminate over tiredness and make sure she’s getting good quality day sleep. I had been out and about for months and she’d nap on the go have short (less than an hour ones) and she was cranky when I look back. Now I realise she probably was tired and so I’m just spending a bit more time at home with her for naps and making sure she naps in the cot to try and get her used to it more.

A lot of votes for moving her to her own room. I’m scared of the crying. But I know it needs to be done.

Someone asked what I’m worried will happen if stop bfing. It’s a good question.

I’m worried I’ll not have a bond with her and she’ll dislike me and she’ll end up closer to her dad. It’s the ugly truth. I’m holding on to something here, I know.

When she was born pretty much everyone said she looks like him and there was ‘nothing of me in there at all’. He would take her in the mornings when I was first bfing and play with her while I rested (before he was back at work) and I’d come down and he’d tell me all this new stuff she did. He’d give me info on what she does and doesn’t like. Tell me to mind this and mind that for eg mind her nose isn’t smothered by my breast when feeding. Hold her head etc. Parents constantly asking me if she’s hungry. Then health visitors tell you what to do and not do. So I just felt so removed from the process of caring for her somehow. Like I wasn’t capable. Then husband got first smiles and laughs. He said quite plainly I was jealous and that hurt. Yes probably I was. 7 IVF rounds and pregnancy loss thrown in, in between. Forgive me for wanting to feel a bit of the magic after basically wanting a baby my whole adult life.

I just felt, and sometimes still do, that if I walked away she’d be just as well cared for. Which is great really. But I felt so surplus in the beginning.

It’s better now and husband is a nice bloke. He was sleep deprived at the time too and I’ve realised is more pfb than I am. When we thought we’d lost her after a bleed at 9 weeks he was devastated. I was just numb.

Sorry for going on and on. Thank you all for listening.

@Tdcp how was your baby sleeping before the 8m regression? She’s always had lots of wakes so it feels like it never ‘regressed’ it’s just always been bad.

My DD was always a poor sleeper - hard to settle. I ended up night weaning at just over a year. I was back at work at the constant disruption to my sleep was driving me into the ground.
Put her in her own room and DH did wake up in the night. Took only 3 nights and she slept through.
Happy Mummy.
I continued to bf for more than another year, so kept that bond and closeness but wasn't crying with exhaustion.
Btw. You are doing an amazing job.

@Maraudingmarauders thanks so much for your post. The idea of changing expectations in the night is something to think about. Some of the best nights I’ve had is when I knew she do three feeds and roughly what times. Tolerable cos I knew what was coming.

You can’t ‘fix’ her there’s nothing wrong! It’s tough but honestly you’ll look back on this in a couple of years and wonder where the time went. Just continue to meet her needs during the night (you are doing great!), and she will sleep through when she’s ready. Get as much rest as you can in the day, that’s what maternity leave is for. Don’t feel like you have to be going out & about or cooking/cleaning lots.

Thank you @Beamur your post gives me hope.

You're not doing anything wrong - this is just how your baby is. Don't benchmark her against other babies. As long as she's healthy, gaining weight and hitting milestones you're doing fine. Some babies sleep well others just don't.
My baby is 18 now and at University. She has no idea or recall about any of this. Seriously - aim for fed and rested. Don't beat yourself up. You need your sleep.

If she’ll grow out of it (preferably by the time I go back to work) then I think I could cope. I do need to clean and cook in the day so she has a clean floor to crawl on and food to eat and clean clothes to wear. I do too.

The only reason I embarked on the independent sleep is because she does feed to sleep and I thought she may have a sleep association. I’m afraid I’ve bought into all the stuff about sleep cycles. Although (and sorry to go on about it) the NHS site does also say that babies do wake between cycles and it’s the getting back to sleep that they need to be able to do. So I thought I should try and remove that association and help her to fall asleep without feeding (or pram or walking).

Is it a load of rubbish?

Thanks @Nowdontmakeamess Your post has reassured me and also given me some hope.

@shatg sorry you’re in this too. Hugs. I also was told it would get better but her sleep got worse! But judging by some replies on here…perhaps it really does.

@Inneedofsupport You need to be kinder to yourself and stop expecting perfection from yourself.

Are you aware that mums who use IVF can have higher rates of PND? The mums have such high expectations of how wonderful and fulfilling motherhood will be. During pregnancy they probably told themselves that they’re so grateful to be finally having a baby that they’ll never complain about the baby or being tired or any of the crappy parts of parenting a baby. They probably have family and friends expecting them to be a happy and perfect mother too.

You know what? Fuck that shit. IVF babies are normal babies. They cry, poo, vomit, grizzle and be little turds just like any other baby. Same for the mums. They can say that being a mum sucks or that they hate having a young baby.

I’m a mum due to IVF. I was at very high risk of PND due to existing medicated depression and use of IVF. I became aware of the link between IVF and PND and consciously made sure I didn’t stop myself from complaining about the shitty parts of pregnancy and parenting a baby. I had kind of felt like I should be grateful and all puppies and kittens and fluffy clouds about having a baby. I threw off those expectations and it was freeing.

On a practical level please stop thinking that you and your baby won’t have a bond if you stop or reduce breastfeeds. Of course you’ll have a bond. You have years and years to get to know her and grow closer to her and for her to get to know you. As you know her more and spend time together you’ll be forming and reinforcing the bond between you both. From what I’ve observed over the past 14 years on parenting forums sometimes stopping breastfeeding can improve the bond. The baby stops regarding the mum as just a pair of boobs and starts to interact with her as an actual person, like they might do with the dad.

FWIW I didn’t breastfeed my DD. Formula from the start. I think it saved my sanity. I have a chronic illness that means that sleep is vital for me. DH and I would split the night feeds. I’d go to bed early and he’d be on baby duty and do a final dream feed at about 11pm. He’d go to bed. By the time DD would wake by about 2 or 3am for a feed in the early days I would have had a solid chunk of sleep. DH got his solid of chunk of sleep too. DD happily had her feed from either of us.

I second moving your DD into her own room. She’ll wake a bit and make a bit of noise between sleep cycles. You’re waking to that. If you leave her to it she’ll likely settle herself back to sleep within a few minutes. Give her the time and space to learn to settle herself back to sleep.

I agree about not using a bottle at this age. Sippy cup of formula or water from dad during the night. If she’s thirsty she’ll drink. If not she’ll learn it’s not worth waking up.

Give her a dummy. The dummy doesn’t need sleep. You do. No more being a human dummy. You can wean her off the dummy later. The dummy fairy is great for that. Establish rules around dummy use. Only for sleeping and/or only in her cot. Not when it’s awake time. That way she’ll still practise talking and making verbal noises. We let DD have her dummy in the pram (buggy?) if we were out and her nap was due. Same in the car.

Keep reaching out for the counselling. Are you on the list for cancellation appointments? You might get in sooner if you are.

You’ll get through this. Reclaim your sleep and you’ll be able to enjoy your DD instead of just trying to get through each day and each night.

Last night ds went to ‘bed’ at 6.15, woke 3x, then woke properly screaming at 8.30 we couldn’t settle him so he cane down with us then Dh brought him up at 10.30, he then woke 11.30, 1.45, 2.30 and 4.45, then woke at 6. This is every night or sometimes it’s worse, NEVER better. I’m just exhausted and it can’t be normal for him to wake like this 😭

@Inneedofsupport I hope you don’t think I was having a go at you, as I definitely wasn’t. That’s the last thing you need.

What help are you getting with your PND? Are you taking medication or are you worried that it will be an issue with breastfeeding?

I’m saying this from a place of experience and massive amounts of empathy, but you seem to be spiralling a little bit. Take a break from the NHS website and all the other information overload, and trust your instincts a bit more.

@Inneedofsupport I know you said she’s been checked for tongue tie but have you had her checked by someone not on the NHS? I say this from experience. There are few people I’d trust to diagnose a posterior tongue tie and in my (3x) experience it’s often missed by midwives, GPs and Health visitors etc when posterior unfortunately. I’d have her re-checked if I were you as her sleep pattern and feeding sounds identical to my DC whose sleep dramatically shifted once tongue tie was spotted and treated at a year old.

Not read everything as not had chance but also saw someone suggest a dummy. Some babies just don’t take to dummies, none of mine have. This is often the case if baby has a high palate, which is also very often accompanied by a posterior tongue tie. Not sure if you’ve tried a dummy though?

@FlatWhiteExtraHot not at all. Sorry if it came off that way.

Re the PND you are right - I was offered sertraline but worried it will interfere with bf and said no. Instead, I opted for CBT to help me find ways to interrupt the spiralling (I am definitely spiralling right before all of your eyes here on this thread) but I found the sessions ineffective. So it was cancelled and I’m on the waiting list for counselling.

Hey, I've been there too and I still remember that period of my life as a very dark time. I was loosing my mind with sleep deprivation and my husband outright refused to wake up and help at night. I tried so many things but nothing really worked.

I ended up just cosleeping as safely as possible at night time and setting up a large baby pen in the lounge for day time. That way I could sleep and know that baby was safe. I really feel for you as it is torture.

No its not a load of rubbish at all but it's something you need to help baby to learn through some form of sleep training.

I appreciate people here are trying to be nice saying it's normal but every hour is not normal, she must be shattered too. Its not that anything I'd wrong either though but you are a human being who needs sleep to survive and I dont agree with people telling you to rest when baby rests cause that's not real life.

@FeralWoman thank you for your post. It means a lot coming from another ivf mum. I didn’t think I was trying to be perfect but maybe I am. I’m just trying to follow guidelines because I feel if I don’t and she came to harm I’d feel really bad. And I think people (family) would blame me.

I didn’t know about the link between IVF and PND. I wish I had, I might have noticed my spiralling earlier.

Thanks you for you support and practical steps.i think own room and dummy might be a good start.

And a posterior TT check. No, it’s not been checked by a non nhs person @Pandapoop88 thanks for the tip.