Baby feeds hourly at night

[Inneedofsupport]

I’m absolutely broken and I can’t do it anymore. Husband and baby are asleep next to me. I’m on my 4th wake up already and it’s not 3am yet when the torture really starts.

I think my 9mo is reverse cycling. She is waking every 1-2hr and feeds. I have tried not giving her the boob but she moans and cries until she gets it. She is in a side car cot next to me. In her earlier months I ended up co sleeping because I needed more sleep. Whenever I lifted her out of the next to me and fed her and tried to put her back in, she’d wake and I’d end up holding her. So I decided to co sleep so I’d get more sleep. Health visitor told me to learn how to feed lying down and continue ‘feeding responsively’ Then I got this cot inside car’d. And so here we are. Health visitors aren’t here in the night are they…

I’ve been trying gentle sleep training as I thought she wasn’t ‘linking cycles’. In quotes as I’m not even sure it’s a thing anymore. She now doesn’t fall asleep with boob and I have to walk her. But in the night she feeds and goes back to sleep. But I can’t.

In the day there is not set times for feeds. I logged feed after feed after feed and never ever saw a pattern. She now just feeds about 4 times in total daytime. 3 solids meals daily. Porridge/eggs. Lunch maybe a cheese sandwich bites and banana, dinner tonight was beef and rice and she ate loads.

Sorry I’m rambling. I don’t know how to fix it. I want her to sleep in the cot and feed properly in the day time. Like all my other mum friends do. I don’t want to ‘give in’ and get a floor bed.

People keep asking me if she’s sleeping through the night. If I’m enjoying motherhood. No and no. My mum keeps saying she thinks I look a bit tired. Husband says he’ll help with night settling but he doesn’t even hear her wake up. I tell him I do this feeding like this so everyone gets more sleep. Don’t think he really appreciates what it means for me and what would his night would look like if just got up and went in the other room and locked the door.

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

@Inneedofsupport that's great you're in the spare room tonight, I really hope you get some good quality sleep. Please don't feel that you've done anything wrong, you sound like a great mum who is responding to her baby - you obviously have great maternal instinct. It's now at the point that responding this way is not working for you anymore so you understandably need to change things. I'm no expert, but I've had 3 babies and they are all so different. With my first I thought her sleeping through was down to my routine etc but then I had my son 2 years later and despite doing everything the same (he was pretty much in a routine from day 1) he slept appallingly! I realised then that it was just luck with dd1. That did make his poor sleep easier to handle mentally as I knew it wasn't anything I was doing wrong. There are things that help and I'm all for sleep training, but I think sleep is like any other milestone in that babies will do it when they're ready, and whilst we can do things to encourage reaching them, ultimately they are all so different. Re putting in the cot awake - I can't quite remember how long it took but he definitely didn't just drift off easily. I think it just got a bit quicker each night and perseverance was key (I do remember to begin with it took about 45mins!). Hang in there, one day this will be a distant blur - hard to imagine now I know.

Thank you @Threelittlebirds1thats so kind of you to say, I did feel I had gotten something wrong on her sleep, but I think you’re right, sleep is another milestone. I will keep working on getting her used to her cot, as co sleeping is no longer safe and she needs to be in there. The problem when she was little was transferring her, she’d always wake and cry hence I co slept. But I’ve fed twice now and popped her back (asleep) and she’s not woken up immediately. So that’s something.

I managed to get about 2 hours of alone time in the spare room tonight, I think husband settled her once in that time. I didn’t really sleep, but I did rest and closed my eyes with a podcast. Heaven. It did me a lot of good, so we will try that again.

She woke at 11 for a feed, he did try to settle but her cry was different and escalating, so now I’m back with her for the night.

Hi OP that sounds hard and it’s really tough! I’ve been there - the issue as well as developmentally a lot happening at this age is usually (unless actual medical issues) too much day sleep. Try pushing her day awake time - it can take up to two weeks to settle but that should help night waking. There’s no need for any ‘sleep training’ just responsiveness and if cosleeping works and helps then do it. Floorbeds are wonderful things. Sending solidarity - it gets better

i should also say that over night feeds are normal and recommended until at least 1.

@Inneedofsupport When you put DD down in her cot and she wakes it might be because it’s cold. Try putting a warm wheat bag or similar in the cot to warm it up before you put her in. Remove the heat bag as you’re putting her in. That way she transfers from your warm arms to a warm cot. I’m glad that you’re trying new things to get DD to settle and that DH is doing his part in it.

Thanks @Sorrell23 When you say out her day awake time do you mean reduce nap lengths?

I fully expect to feed at night but think this should be one or two times at this stage, I don’t expect to either of us sleep all night. I do think I have a problem with day feeding - with her not getting enough. The milky foods is a good idea, I added some bm to her eggs this morning.

@FeralWoman Thanks, yes we used to do that when she was newborn in feb/march. We probably should start again as it’s colder again. Although she has been transferring about better in the last two weeks, I think cos of the work I’ve been doing to put her in drowsy but awake.

Her mattress is a pocket sprung one not foam. I’m wondering if she’s finding it uncomfortable so we’re going to get a foam one too and try it.

I will be slated for this but it worked for me. I was desperate and literally walking round like a zombie. My little one was 8 months on and like hours on three good meals a day. From sleeping at night he woke every hour. I very nearly crashed my car on the school run I was that tired. I was at the doctors for yet another UTI and he said I looked knackered. I was. He called in another locom doctor . Who used to work on the children’s ward. She sat me down and said your little one is fed and watered and not ill so no need to wake up. On the other hand you are poorly with it all and no use to your baby when you are so exhausted. She told me to do controlled crying. It was no evil and I was in full control. I was dismissive but she said try it for two days. Stay up and plan on no sleep. Pick your baby up and put them down. Every time they cry. I never let them cry and cry I was there straight away. It worked on the second night. Best thing I did for me and my baby. He was so much happier as getting a full night sleep. And I was much happier. I know people don’t like it but it was best for both me and my baby

I so agree with this.

Thank you @Aprilmaymum no slating or judgement from me. As mums I think we find it hard to prioritise our own needs and if that is what a doctor advised then of course why wouldn’t you try it. I’m glad it worked for you. I won’t rule it out. If there’s one thing motherhood has taught me so far it’s to be open to and prepared for anything.

@Inneedofsupport yes I mean make sure she isn’t sleeping too much in the day. The average amount of sleep suggested for babies in genetic schedules and places like huckleberry are really on the high side. I agree with you a 2-3 feeds a night is doable.

my 6 month old was every 1.30-2hr and I really have pushed his awake time and worked out he needs 12.5 hours in 24 hours and we have not gone to 2 feeds a night. It’s worth trying but needs two weeks for bodyclock to adjust.

OP, your baby sounds exactly like my 10 month old. You are doing nothing wrong. I have no words of wisdom but I wanted to offer solidarity and tell you that you are not alone! My first was also the same, and started sleeping through at 18 months when I stopped breastfeeding. I wholly believe this to be the issue, and after swearing I could never go through it again, I'm back in the same boat! Except this time, I know there's an end to it at some point, which I think makes it easier to keep going and I've avoided the PND this time. I was much like you with my first, very anxious about everything, making sure to follow guidelines and wanting to get everything right. My second has been a very different experience. He had a dummy (although now refuses it) and he has bottles, and I don't try to do everything the 'right' way. I've had such a different parenting experience, I look back and wonder why I got myself into such a mess with my dd worrying about everything. So I think there is something to be said for letting go and just doing things your way.
But that doesn't stop him being a shit sleeper lol. But it makes a huge difference to my mental health.
You'll get through this, I promise

Thanks @sharkstale its good to know there is an end! I did think it could be bfing but I'm not 100% convinced. Out of my other mum friends there are some who also ebf and don’t have this problem. Their babies wake once or twice for feeds. The only other mum I know whose baby is like this feeds to sleep. So I think it could be that as I have been doing the same. She did also say it does stop, as she did it with her first too. But then again, another mum who ff rocks her baby to sleep every night and she sleeps through, unless teething/unwell. So who knows.

Anyway I’m going to try shortening her naps again as per @Sorrell23’s advice and see what happens.

I think it 100% is the breast feeding. Your baby can’t be hungry every hour so it waking for a mini drink of milk as comfort.

Yeah. I know.

Bloody breastfeeding has been a nightmare from the start. I so looked forward to the days when I’d be doing 3/4 feeds a day. I did not know I could be doing another 5/6 in the night by now because of an association. It’s just bit me in the arse and I’m annoyed about it. Ah well.

Thank you all for the lovely supportive posts. I’ll try to remember to come back and update when I’m out the other side.

We were having hourly wakeups about a month ago, and I googled all sorts, asked ChatGPT, tried it all, and if anything made it worse, and felt more frustrated because it felt like nothing would ever fix it. Eventually I just thought, fuck it, I'm gonna just let her do whatever - let her contact nap, no timings or schedules, whatever. And honestly, a couple of days of that and she was sleeping 4hr stretches again. I think we'd just got into a cycle of overtiredness causing lots of night wakings, and me being too worried about her crying (and not wanting to be awake all night myself!) so feeding her to sleep every time as it was the quickest way to get us all back to sleep.

We're not perfect now, but it's better. Since then I've transitioned her to her own room (which went shockingly smoothly), and we've got a 2 nap schedule back in place. Now we're just working on self-settling - I feed her before bed, rock her for a couple of mins to get her calm and sleepy, lay her down before she's fully asleep and pat her bum until she's gone. Would love to get out of the rocking, because she's a little lump and is doing my back in, but it's so much better than where we were.

Is it possible your little one is in a similar overtired cycle? I'm no expert, I'm a FTM myself, but if you think it's possible it's worth a try to let her catch up on some missed sleep for a day or two and then have a total reset, back into a solid routine.

Hope you figure it out and all feel more rested soon!

@winnerwinnertofudinner You sound in exactly the same position as me. I am just at the end of trying it all and entering the fuck it stage.

On the overtiredness, this is what the Huckleberry plan was suggesting to rule out, which is how I ended up being at home for her naps and trying to extend them by picking up and rocking or even feeding. To ensure she wasn’t overtired. She’s been getting about 2.5-3h per day for the last two weeks. I don’t think it’s made a difference to her night sleep (a pp suggested she could be having too much day sleep). So like you, I’m just back to doing whatever to get her to sleep. I also have that fear of the crying and possible split nights and so I feed her back to sleep as it will work.

We are doing the same as you in terms of a night routine but I’ll feed first, then put on nappy and sleep clothes and then husband does the walking bit. He does a shush rub just as she’s drifting off. I do the same for naps. We’ll carry on like this and hope she will learn a little bit on falling asleep independently, or at least get used to the cot.

It’s good to know a reset worked for you and you’re back to 4h stretches! Enjoy them. Out of interest how long does you lo sleep in the day and how old is she?

Personally, I'm not British, and what people in the UK refer to as "independent sleep" and "sleep training" is considered child abuse back home. If you were to let your child cry inconsolably for 30 minutes, 1+ hours, which is what some people do here, you would have the neighbours and possibly police and child services at your door.

Breastfeeding to sleep and cosleeping is normal. Motherhood is hard. You have not done anything wrong, breastfeeding has not bit you in the arse. You are responding to your child's needs. You just don't have a good sleeper! And that's just a lottery.

I would encourage you to let DH continue to do some of the settling. I found my DS has gotten better after implementing that because now he doesn't think that crying = boob every time, so I guess he's decided it's not worth waking up as much for just dad!

Thanks @CatsKoalasBunnies123, what I have described is not what you are referring to, and I think that’s quite clear in my posts.

Yes, I'm trying to say I agree with you and you're doing a great job. Some people pile on with the sleep training / CIO stuff and, personally, I felt a lot of pressure to do the same and felt I was doing sth wrong when my son wasn't sleeping 12 hours a night at 6 months.

Oh I see @CatsKoalasBunnies123, sorry I misunderstood you.

Husband and I shared settling last night. He walked her back to sleep on one occasion at about 3am and I was able to drift off again. Amazing. I’m still tired but even slightly less sleep disruption has made me feel a bit more positive.

My little one will be 9 months in two weeks. She sleeps 2hrs20 in the day.

I recently bought the Little Ones app, which I've been using to get us into a more structured sleep pattern. Not sure I'd recommend buying it as you can track their sleep for free on other apps, but if you're really struggling you can post questions on there and their "sleep experts" respond with advice which takes the pressure off you having to figure it all out alone.

Our routine since using the app is now:

7:00 wake
7:30 solids, then milk after
9:30 nap (20min - milk before)
11:45 solids
12:30 nap (2hr - milk before)
3:00 snack/milk
5:00 solids
6:45 bed

She then wakes at 11:30 and 3:30 for a quick feed. Ngl, teething has thrown it off a bit, when a tooth came through she's been fighting naps a bit and it's taken 20 mins of going in and out to settle her, and we occasionally get the odd false start at bedtime, but otherwise we're in a much better place than we were.

Also edited to add - I was worried about transferring to her own room, but just bit the bullet. We put a blow up mattress in there in case she was distraught and I needed to go and sleep in there to calm her, but I never used it once. It was honestly fine!

Thank you @winnerwinnertofudinner that’s really helpful. You’ve made me reflect on her dinner time which could be a bit late at 6ish. Her bedtime also varies depending on when she woke from her last nap. Perhaps I need to get into more fixed timings.

I've not read every message, but my daughter was a bit like this. I ended up cosleeping, feeding lying down and could sort of sleep through it, although it wasn't great sleep. It did get better but honestly I think it was 18 months or so before I'd say I was generally having a decent night's sleep (and even then still cosleeping). With my son, I was a bit braver to just say no to night feeds once he was about 12 months plus (when I knew he'd eaten well), I found I could rock/cuddle him and he accepted that quite quickly, but I don't know if I could have done that with my daughter. No real advice, but just want to say lots of people have older babies who still don't sleep well and if there was an easy answer I'm sure you'd just do it. I managed by having quite a lot of naps and probably doing bare minimum house work etc.

Thanks @Keha I was doing exactly that and had the cot bed next to ours with the mattresses at the same height. And not getting great sleep at all.

Now that she can pull up the matress has to be lowered and the cot side up so I’m getting up to settle her and so is husband. We are trying to help her settle in the cot.

I also go back to work full time Feb so I won’t be able to nap in the day with her. I rarely do now anyway as I find that I have more to do with prepping her meals, clearing up, more laundry etc.

@Keha Do you / did you work at the time and if so how did you manage catching up on sleep in the day?