Baby feeds hourly at night

[Inneedofsupport]

I’m absolutely broken and I can’t do it anymore. Husband and baby are asleep next to me. I’m on my 4th wake up already and it’s not 3am yet when the torture really starts.

I think my 9mo is reverse cycling. She is waking every 1-2hr and feeds. I have tried not giving her the boob but she moans and cries until she gets it. She is in a side car cot next to me. In her earlier months I ended up co sleeping because I needed more sleep. Whenever I lifted her out of the next to me and fed her and tried to put her back in, she’d wake and I’d end up holding her. So I decided to co sleep so I’d get more sleep. Health visitor told me to learn how to feed lying down and continue ‘feeding responsively’ Then I got this cot inside car’d. And so here we are. Health visitors aren’t here in the night are they…

I’ve been trying gentle sleep training as I thought she wasn’t ‘linking cycles’. In quotes as I’m not even sure it’s a thing anymore. She now doesn’t fall asleep with boob and I have to walk her. But in the night she feeds and goes back to sleep. But I can’t.

In the day there is not set times for feeds. I logged feed after feed after feed and never ever saw a pattern. She now just feeds about 4 times in total daytime. 3 solids meals daily. Porridge/eggs. Lunch maybe a cheese sandwich bites and banana, dinner tonight was beef and rice and she ate loads.

Sorry I’m rambling. I don’t know how to fix it. I want her to sleep in the cot and feed properly in the day time. Like all my other mum friends do. I don’t want to ‘give in’ and get a floor bed.

People keep asking me if she’s sleeping through the night. If I’m enjoying motherhood. No and no. My mum keeps saying she thinks I look a bit tired. Husband says he’ll help with night settling but he doesn’t even hear her wake up. I tell him I do this feeding like this so everyone gets more sleep. Don’t think he really appreciates what it means for me and what would his night would look like if just got up and went in the other room and locked the door.

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Please rethink your stance that you wont have a bond if you dont BF, I'm damn sure stopping BF is why I have such a good bond with my first baby.... it makes 0 difference at all.
And I'd say take the nhs websites with a pinch of salt, yes do be safe but you seem overly caught up in some things like dummies and bottles and does it really matter?

Also why not take the sertraline? It could have stopped a lot of the spiralling

@Bababear987 thanks for your frank post. I need to hear it. I’m caught between thinking ‘give her what she needs’ and ‘surely this isn’t fucking normal’.

I have started gentle training to address the waking up between cycles thing. Mainly just trying to work toward her falling asleep without boob and independently in the cot. I guess that’s how I ended up asking about reverse cycling. I thought maybe she does actually need the night feeds as she’s not getting enough in the day, and how to flip it around.

Sorry @shatg that is just so hard. Sounds a bit like mine. And every night. She also wakes with a full cry. I can’t settle with a rub or a shush I have to give the boob. I’m dreading her going in the cot by herself and not having it side car’d as I think she’ll still wake and I’ll have to get up and go to her and I’ll get even less sleep.

@Bababear987 I will re think on the bonding. I know you and everyone else is right. It doesn’t matter at all if I bf when it comes to bonding. And I’ve also read that for some people, it can come when you stop.

One of the reasons for not taking the ADs is that my husband doesn’t even think I have PND. I also told my parents that I have it - they didn’t respond at all, just silence and have not spoken to me about it since. So if I take it and need some support when I’m on it I’m not sure I’ll get it.

@Inneedofsupport Please reconsider taking medication. Many of them are safe for use during breastfeeding. If you’re planning to transfer an embryo it will be of benefit to you and the potential pregnancy to get your PND under control and medication stabilised before doing a transfer.

I took medication throughout my pregnancy and it would have been safe for breastfeeding too if I’d done that. I looked into it before starting IVF because I was already on medication for depression. My IVF doctor approved it as safe, my GP approved it as safe and my DH did lots of online reading and said it was safe. My maternity hospital didn’t have any issue either. Also it simply wasn’t an option for me to not be on medication. Without it neither I nor the pregnancy would have made it to the birth. Add to that it’s better for the developing foetus to experience less stress in utero which will come from a less stressed mum who has her depression appropriately medicated.

After birth a less depressed mum will provide more interaction with the baby, and the interaction will be more positive. All great things for a growing baby. If you won’t consider medication for your own benefit then please consider it for the benefit of your DD. She’ll get more of the real you once your PND is well managed.

Have you considered saying to your mum that you’re not coping, that baby isn’t sleeping through the night and could she please come and stay for a few nights to help you and DH work out how to make her sleep better? Be honest with her if you feel that you can trust her. If she did an okay job raising you then she might be really helpful. At times when my DD was being challenging I’d ring my mum and ask for her advice. She’d raised three children. We turned out okay. Her advice was often spot on. At times a little old fashioned or not quite up with current recommendations but it worked. Usually only took a few days too.

My son did this and it's the reason I couldn't co-sleep. I tried co-sleeping several times at 2,3, 6, and 8 months and each time we would have a few good nights and by night no.4 he expected to be latched on hourly. He would SCREAM and get almost angry if I tried to be strict and unlatch him.

It's like he can't help himself if he smells me/the milk.

The answer was to put him in his own room. Any wake up pre-2 am, I would send DH as I knew he wasn't hungry (as I would put him on the breast and he would suck gently just to fall asleep, not feed). After a few hard nights, he only woke up once, after 4am.

He's 16 months now and we continue to do this.

Oh and PND was suggested to me when I couldn't cope too. It wasn't PND. It was horrific long term sleep deprivation. Once we did the above and I got some solid, regular (not just 1 or 2 nights) sleep, all the "PND" went away.

I really would get the floor bed. You just have to make life as easy as you can for yourself. I spent 18 months climbing into my daughter’s cot bed to settle her. Getting her a double bed was the best thing we did and I wish I’d done it sooner.

I used to offer a full bottle after every feed. DS wouldn’t bother with it for the first couple (ie 7am, 10am), but by the 7pm one he would drink the entire bottle. So I stopped breastfeeding for the 7pm one and just gave him a bottle. (Still did breast first for all the others. I think my supply just couldn’t refill quick enough to provide enough quality milk at 7pm). He was a brilliant sleeper and I put it down to that. I know you said you’re reluctant to introduce a bottle as they should stop at 12 months - but I think that’s more about if every feed is a bottle feed. Plus three months is a really long time in baby land. If the bottle helps you get some decent sleep for the next couple of months, that’s going to make everything else easier. It’s worth a try ? Sleep deprivation is the worst.

@Inneedofsupport Respectfully your DH is a dickhead. You need support. Your PND is clear through your posts. As for milk intake you could try giving DD milky foods made with expressed breastmilk or formula. Things like custard, milky dessert rice, cereal or oats with milk, fruit smoothies, milkshakes and foods like that. Does she have any water? Maybe she’s thirsty. No idea of the age water is recommended to be started but I’m sure it was before 12 months for my DD. Just little sips, not as a replacement for a milk feed. If you stop giving her such big milk feeds overnight she’ll hopefully adjust and take them during the day. She’ll be cranky and cry for a few nights as you change over to less night feeds. You could try reducing how many minutes each night feed goes for. Reduce each by a minute for example. Then after a few days or a week reduce by another minute. Keep going until hopefully she’ll start taking milk feeds better during the day or stops waking for feeds because she’ll work out it’s not worth it. Apparently my mother got sick of me waking her overnight for feeds when I was eating plenty through the day so she gave me water instead, I was unimpressed and after a few nights slept through the night.

ds always wakes with a full cry as well. I just don’t get it. I’m formula feeding so always offer a bottle but he doesn’t always want it and he arches back and screams and nothing and I mean nothing can settle him. It’s so hard 😭 ds has a side crib but he won’t go in it so he’s actually in bed with us but it makes no difference what so ever to his sleep. I tried Dh in the spare room last night incase it was his snoring waking him but he actually woke more?! 🫠

@shatg Has he been checked for reflux? Have you tried raising the head of his cot a little bit so he’s not laying completely flat? A rolled up towel under the mattress or a thick book under each cot leg at the head should do it. What about infant Gaviscon? Try giving him a dose and see if his sleep improves? How’s his bowels? Any gas or loose poo? What about his ears and tonsils? Might be worth a check up to make sure they’re not infected. I really feel for you. It sounds like hell.

It sounds really hard work for you. I honestly don’t believe co-sleeping helps as it’s impossible to totally switch off.

I think you need to go for bottle feeding & get DH to help out. I can’t see how he can help currently.

Also if you aren’t getting out the house she may not be actually tired & so just not sleeping for that reason. I think fresh air & some sort of activity is the answer.

Can you afford a childminder a couple of mornings a week to give you a break? I understand you don’t want to lose your attachment but it’s good for their social skills & development to have some independence. Unless you do something you are going to burn out. You won’t be much use if you can’t function at all.

Hi, thank you for the suggestions ❤️ all have been checked. Definitely no reflux, bowels are fine, normal poos. We had his ears and tonsils checked recently because we was in hospital 3 weeks ago for a week as he had Rsv, bronchitltis and another virus on top so he was on oxygen and fed through a tube. He was a horrific sleeper before that, but if possible he’s even worse since coming home because now he wakes screaming and can’t be settled!

Re the husband "not hearing" the baby, my DH tried that.

I woke him up, as agreed . Every.Single.Time.

He was grumpy. Took aaaages to go next door. Faffed about for no reason.

I stuck to it. Never gave in. He very soon got the idea that the more he faffed, the more distressed the baby got, the longer it would take to settle him.

But he was just a bit lazy, needed a push, not a horrible dick.

I suggest you do the same. Do not intervene. Let him do it. Baby won't be traumatised by a few minutes of crying.

I really feel for you. I'm reluctant to make more suggestions as I know you can get bombarded with conflicting advice on these threads so I'll just share what I did. One of my babies woke every hour for a few months, it was horrific. I night weaned/moved to bottles of formula when he was about 8 months because I was beginning to really lose my shit in the night. It felt like as soon as I drifted off he would wake up crying again and I was sometimes waking up feeling absolutely furious which was obviously not okay. I carried on bf in the day until about 18 months so that worked well for me. He was still a shit sleeper but it meant I could get his Dad to do more of the wake ups and I could go and hide in another room to rest if needed.

I never got to prioritise sensible routine naps because I had a toddler and I would have gone mad if I had to stay in for naps. I had to go out everyday or else I'd lose the plot.

I know some of the sleep training methods works for some, I hope it does for you if you try it, but please don't spend ages sticking to restrictive routines that aren't working and making you miserable. I think most of it is a load of bullshit.

If this was me then I’d stop breast feeding and start giving bottles of formula because I am important as is my mental health.

@shatg Oh that sounds stressful. Has he had a sleep study done? I know he’s very young. If he was bad before but worse now after infections I wonder if he’s having sleep apnoea from overly large tonsils or adenoids maybe? They might be blocking him from breathing easily. Does he snore or wheeze or struggle to breathe when sleeping? I’ve read about children going from shit sleeping to amazing sleeping after tonsil and adenoids removal.

He hasn’t had a sleep study no. How do I do this? I’m desperate for some help. He doesn’t really snore but sometimes sleeps with his mouth open and has always wheezed and I’ve been back and forth the gp about it his whole life and they call him a ‘happy wheezer’

@shatg Happy wheezer? That sounds like bullshit. Do you have any more hospital appointments to do with his recent hospitalisation? That might be the fastest way. I’m not in the UK so I don’t know how to navigate the NHS. I’m guessing asking a GP to refer him is the first step. Maybe a different GP if possible. Take a video of him asleep and wheezing. Make sure the wheezing is easily audible and his mouth being open is visible. Doctors might ignore concerned mothers but it’s harder for them to ignore a video they can see and hear for themselves. Otherwise I guess you’d need a referral to a paediatrician or a respiratory physician. Maybe you could start a thread and ask about paediatric sleep studies?

ive recorded him multiple times for different doctors in the gp and hospital and they say the same thing. The nurses / doctors in the hospital heard him and said he’s a happy wheezer. The head doctor of peadatrics saw us and said it. Wtf? He’s literally done it since a new born, and I did go back and forth multiple times during his first weeks, but they were not concerned as he doesn’t have difficulty breathing and chest is clear. It’s definitely worse when he has a cough or is excited though

Thanks again to everyone who’s posted.

Yes, on the going out side - I was doing an activity daily for months until about two weeks ago when I’ve tried to prioritise better naps. Her sleep was the same before then. So I guess it means the longer naps aren’t helping! I’m just going to go back to going out once the baby classes resume - if she’s woken up in time that is. The sleep plan did say they might not improve until she can fall asleep independently. I’m not going to tie myself up in knots on the plan though. I felt it taking over my head a bit this week. I do need to follow my instincts more.

@converseandjeans you are right about co sleeping and never switching off. I did this from about 4/5 months as she was waking so often I just thought ‘yay she’s feeding much better now’ after we’d had such a shit start, and felt great that I could finally side lie feed and get some more rest. Now it’s as you say - I can’t switch off and it seems as a pp also experienced, she wants to suck hourly.

@shatg sorry your lo has been so unwell. ‘Happy wheezer’ my arse. Honestly, the amount of shit we get fed. Hope you get the answers you need. As pps have said - shit sleep isn’t just bad for us, it’s bad for baby too.

@FeralWoman good tip on the milky food, I’ll try it. She does have water with her meals she has a decent amount, more than a few sips. But she is such a quick sipper - she will sip from the cup and pull away quickly like she does on the boob. To me, her feeding has never been quite right (I did get lots of bfing support and all said she’s gaining weight so I’m doing fine).

I’ve tried to gently unlatch her in the night before she pulls away but she just does a full on loud cry. So I just let her re latch 🤦‍♀️ I think I am actually just scared of all the crying and less sleep/split nights. Bad memories of her newborn days.

Would a soother/dummy help?