3 girls sharing a room, middle child is a nightmare

[Mumto3girls2016]

Hey first time poster, I have 3 girls who share a room as we live in a 2 bedroom house. Triple bunk bed ages 5,8 and 9 and a half. 8 year old a nightmare at bedtimes kicks bangs refuses to sleep keeping 5 year old and 9 year old awake. Then when told off says I don’t love her and don’t care about her. At my wits end and have to just walk away before losing it … any suggestions for a smoother bedtime routine for 8 yr old, … 5 year old & 9 year old has no issues going to sleep and is good as gold,x

would it be possible to create private bunks with curtains (like a sleeper carriage on a train). Or get them all individual reading lights so that they can each read until they want to
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it is hard, I have been there with kids sharing who have wildly different body clocks. I do sympathise.

You need to move out of the other bedroom and sleep in the living room if needs be. Your kids need sleep.

It sounds quite difficult for everyone. It might be that she is a night owl and the other two are larks. The timing and routine that works for them might not work for her.
I did not realise until I left home that some people just got into bed and went to sleep. I read then settle but even the settling does not involve involve immediate sleep. As a child I read under the covers with a torch. Kindle paperwhite is a game changer. I can put out the light when my husband settles down but still read.
Hopefully a change in timing and routine for her will remove the stress point of them all settling together, she can maybe do some bedtime routine in a different room then go quietly to her bed with either an audiobook or a kindle or a very narrow beam light to let her read.

Your last message says you give a biscuit before bed? Of course they can't sleep after having a sugary treat right before bed...

I would have the middle one sleep in your room on camp bed or similar till she sleeps better. Her clothes can stay in the kids' room she just doesn't sleep there for now. Then when she moves back is there anyway of fitting a small single in and moving some clothes or something to your room so she has a bit of space between her and her sisters?

Hi OP, I’d swap them around so middle child is on lower bunk (if you think your youngest would be safe higher up). Start a new bedtime routine with middle child having audio book and quiet time in your bed, then move her when awake if she’s feeling calm, or move her when sleeping (do confirm the plan in advance though). The priority is everyone gets to sleep and if the other two are ready earlier, then they shouldn’t be disturbed.
I’d also be putting the you get one to bed earlier than the older ones. My eldest is 9 and she’d object to going to bed at the same time as her 6yo sister. So there could be a bit of this at play too - middle child looking for a bit of independence from siblings. You may find things settle and once middle child sees youngest already asleep, she’ll lie quietly in bed with a book.

@Mumto3girls2016 ignore the arseholes!

My dd is an only at my house so doesnt share a room but shares with her big sister at her dads. She did similar from being 8months til she was 6.

Part of thebissue was an illness which took yesrs to get the correct treatment for and part was big emotions that she couldn't vocalise.

Honestly my advice would be take the fight out of it. She doesn't have to go to sleep but she does have to be quiet and not keep the others awake. Get her some headphones and stories on tape.

The more you make it a fight the worse she will be.

Good luck, its tough but you are a great mum because you are asking for help!!

Hi @Mumto3girls2016 here's the way you could convert your home to contain 4 small single bedrooms (assumining that I am right that you are a single parent so don't need a double bed yourself - using the lounge downstairs may be unavoidable if I am wrong about this). Using this plan means there is no favouritism, everyone is getting the same, and it's a space that is perfectly adequate albeit basic.

Reading the further posts as the thread developed you may feel you can get the current behavioural issues under control for the time being without this remodelling, but I think by the time your eldest is at Senior School you are really going to need to consider a plan like this. Having a quiet private space to study makes a massive difference to academic achievement

Have you any plans to move? If you think its a problem now wait until you expect 3 teen girls to share a room

The majority of homes in the uk have three bedrooms, all the families you see with three kids (not a ridiculously large amount of children ) most likely will involve room sharing. It’s super common and not a big deal

Id put middle child in your bed and sleep on the couch to be honest

@Mumto3girls2016 - Have you had a conversation with her about why she behaves that way?

You say that all of the girls get 1 on 1 time with you. I would take her out somewhere, just the two of you. Build it into a normal routine activity, like food shopping so it is not a special treat, but then take her to a cafe or something afterwards for a drink.

Bring up bedtime and ask her if she knows why she does it. She may have a reason, or say that she doesn't know. If she doesn't know, ask her what she feels before she starts to kick off.

You then explain that it isn't fair on her sisters, and isn't very pleasant for you, but that you know it can't be nice for her either to feel like that.

Then you ask her if there is anything that she thinks might help her to not react like that / help her with what she is feeling. If she doesn't know, you can suggest some different ideas (depending on what she has said so far).

This will hopefully identify what is underlying the behaviour, but also help to give her some coping strategies for whatever is setting her off. It also gives her some responsibility in managing it.

You might not hit on the solution straight away, but also make it clear to her, that if she is starting to feel whatever she feels before escalating it, she can tell you and you will help her deal with it, not just punish / get frustrated when it tips over - whether that is her going to sleep in your bed initially before being transferred to her own bed once asleep or something else.

You don't say explicitly, but I get the impression from your posts that you are a single mom? If so, and again, depending on what she says is causing her behaviour, could her having a blow up bed or camping bed in your room be a solution in the short term - just for nights when she can't settle.

You make it clear to her it is not permanent and not for every night, but could offer her some space when she is getting overwhelmed. She is getting to the age where she will be outgrowing that type of behaviour anyway, so it wouldn't be needed for long, and if you got a folding bed, it wouldn't need to stay up permanently.

If you do this though, do not start letting her bring her things in, beyond what she needs to sleep - she needs to understand she is not moving into your room. It needs to be a safe space, without being too comfortable!

Exactly.

I shared till I was 16 with a much younger sister - till older sibling moved out. Wasn't unual growing up at all and some of DC friends share now - we now have a 4 bed but they are usually extended in some way and not exactly pleantiful even if you have the budget.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-65312086

Households are considered overcrowded if more than two children under the age of 10, or two teenagers of different sexes, or two adults aged 16 or over - and not in a relationship, share a room.

This article does contain the above though and as there are more than two children sharing I suppose she could be considered overcrowded - but getting a bigger house may not be on the cards for OP. Plus when we did put DS in own room he still slept very poorly and could still cause disruption to other it was just bit easier to manage

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread.

Rewards for being quiet?

Any chance the 8yo might have ADHD? DD2 had problems with sleeping from baby onwards. Gave up daytime naps at 9 months. Eventually at age 20 got the ADHD diagnosis.

Hey, it's tough and moving house, remodelling etc really is probably only going to change the problem. We had (have similar) although not quite at banging etc our 2nd, we only have 2, is what I like to call "Instruction Intolerant". She thinks, learns, understands in a different way to her older sister. In a lot of ways she can be the more mature one in her thinking processes, she is very smart and has an answer/question for everything. I don't want to change her personality but I know she is frustrated. So there's all that happening, which we work on separately to bedtime. I did buy her a weighted blanket, she doesn't have ADHD or anything, but it does make her feel cosier and "tucked in". I got the older one a similar looking blanket so it didn't appear that bad behaviour gets rewarded. I then sit on the floor and read, so no one is getting closer proximity. It has helped, it isn't fool proof but the routine of teeth, toilet, tucked into bed and reading, has helped. Oh, and recently, alexa plays Disney instrumental lullabies, that helps too.

Good luck with this maze you need to navigate...it will be ok! Parents have suffered similar for generations. You're doing great mama!

I have 2 DC and the 3 year old has been a nightmare with going to bed and similar issues to you although I understand mine is a toddler. I found the bedtime routine got much easier and less disruptive when we avoided any reference to "night time". We started calling it quiet time and giving her an option of one book and one toy to take to bed with her. This really worked, although it's not ideal giving her toys to play with in bed, I think in her mind it meant going to bed on her terms and having some play time before being forced to go to bed.

I hope it gets better for you x

Some children just struggle more to get to sleep - I did, and nothing anyone did would change it. I shared rooms, had my own room, had a million bedtime routines - but it just took me hours to get to sleep.

It miraculously went away when I hit menopause, so I am certain that hormones were a big part of it. If I had this with a daughter I would be looking into the possibility of getting melatonin prescribed for them.

Speak to your GP. They might prescribe something to help her with sleep and assess for any issues.

My 14 year old has ADHD and needs LEDs and music to sleep. This would have disturbed his brother, so it only worked once they lived in different houses.

It still happens now but obviously not in your little world. Good for you that you could affordd to move before you had a 2nd child but not everyone can.

Sharing a bedroom does no one any harm and is definitely NOT unfair even in the teenage years.

Recommended by who? Even if it is "recommended" now it certainly has not ALWAYS been. As I said, we lived in a 2 bed council house and as I had 2 sisters the council said it was fine for 3 same sex children to share so we did not qualify for a larger house.

I would extract the middle child and put her in your room with a book while the others go to sleep. Then when the others are asleep and she's getting sleepy, I'd return her to her bunk bed.

Hi Op, sorry for some of the comments on here. All children are different. As a starter, have you asked her during a normal part of the day, ie not when she's kicking off? I would be trying to tackle it from a it's unacceptable on you sisters, so explain to me why you are not able to behave as they do? It may identify for example if she feels not tired, brain still active, doesn't want to go to bed at same time, too hot/cold etc etc. And then solutions may present themselves? She may also just be testing boundaries so you may need to make it clear that you will implement them yourself. For example, if the behaviour continues she will be sent to bed earlier, have rewards/treats removed. The issue with audiobook is that it starts to also suggest the idea to the other two and then two children who are sleeping fine, suddenly get a distraction. May also be worth taking the older one aside and asking her if she knows.

What if it’s shortbread? Tbh, I think it’s a myth that children go doowally on a wee bit of sugar.