Feeling horrifically guilty for leaving my baby to cry

[ItsNotLupus]

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very very fragile today. I have a 6 week old baby who has become very very clingy in the past fortnight, having previously been what I would describe as easy (lucky me, I'd thought smugly in the first few weeks postpartum!). She will NOT settle for naps during the day. I think she's gone as long as 8 hours in a single day without sleeping at all, which just isn't healthy, though she will occasionally drop off after a feed (I'm EBF). If I succeed in getting her to sleep on the boob, the only way to guarantee she sleeps is to stay sitting still. This essentially means I can't eat, drink or go to the toilet in that time. I also can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" as I'm making sure she's safe as she sleeps on me.

The other, much bigger issue, though is that if she's awake and I'm not holding her and bouncing her round, she just cries hysterically. I went out for a coffee with friends and their babies yesterday and whilst they sat and enjoyed their coffee with their chilled babies, I literally didn't get to sit down and spent the entire occasion dancing manically around the cafe and singing to my baby whilst my drink went cold. It makes me want to not leave the house as I'm conscious of pissing people off in public with the noise if she cries. But then I'm home alone all day, and at home I can't put her on a mat or in her crib to give myself a minute to eat or use the loo. So the only two ways I can enjoy peace are to shove a nipple in her mouth or be constantly moving her round. And today I just reached the end of my tether with it. I just did not want to bounce around anymore. My legs hurt, and I have no energy for bouncing because all I've eaten today is a cereal bar 8 hours ago, before she woke up.

Long story short, after literally hours of alternating between screaming, feeding and bouncing, I put her in her crib and just left her to cry. Only for about 5 minutes, but she never stopped. It got more and more hysterical to the point it sounded like she could explode. I was advised to do this by my midwife if things ever got overwhelming; it's the first time I've done it, and it hasn't helped. I feel a million times worse than I did when I was just irritated by the incessant bouncing. I am firmly against 'cry it out' as a form of sleep training as I believe it can cause attachment issues (I come from a psychology background). Now I'm feeling awful that I've caused my baby trauma. I didn't even achieve anything by leaving her. I didn't use the time to get a drink or use the loo, I just cried as well.

I don't know if this is the onset of PND or if I'm just having a low moment after multiple days of the same situation with an irritable baby. I also don't really know what I'm looking for by posting, I guess I just wanted to vent.

Can anyone else with older babies offer any assurance that it gets better, or that I haven't now permanently damaged the bond with my baby?
Any tips for encouraging non-contact naps (she sleeps fine in her crib at night!)?
Or ideas to keep a baby chilled without constantly being on the move? FWIW I already have a mobile, a bouncer, visual stimuli cards, a play mat and a tummy time mat. They each keep her attention for a maximum of 10 minutes before the hysterics start...

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP. 6 weeks is still teeny tiny, look up the fourth trimester- she still thinks you are the same person. My daughter was similar, now 15 months and still mostly a contact napper! My top tips really would be to lean into it as much as you can- before your husband goes to work make sure you have a full water bottle, breakfast and lunch prepped in the fridge ready to go and a selection of snacks on the sofa beside you- enjoy some TV! and also get yourself a baby carrier, that way she gets the contact but you still get both hands free and you can move around freely,

Hi! I had a verrrrry clingy first baby who would only contact nap and co-sleep. It definitely gets better! Also, consider those placid babies little freaks - it’s very normal that your baby wants to be on you the whole time. My experience is that it gets easier and easier as they get bigger. 3 months was a big turning point - the fourth trimester is real! Give yourself grace and know that you absolutely have not damaged them by letting them cry for 5 mins.

Aww OP. Don’t beat yourself up. It was once for 5 mins. She’ll be fine. Babies go through phases and this is a tough one but it will pass.

Hello!

I had four babies (a good while ago) and they were all considerably more unsettled at six weeks than at any other time.

It does get better, I promise, and you haven't damaged your baby for letting her cry for a while.

Do you swaddle her? I found that worked better than anything.

Using the 5 S's to Soothe a Crying Baby: Dr. Harvey Karp – Happiest Baby Link

Sorry to hear you're struggling OP. The worst time for me with my little girl was from 4 to 8 weeks, after that she really settled down again. This will just be a phase.

I know it seems impossible at the moment but you have to look after yourself. Especially if you're breastfeeding, you have to eat. Stay hydrated. Shower. Just basic self care. It won't do your baby any harm to be put down for a few minutes when you need to do these things.

We had a little vibrating chair that mine seemed to love. Lots of people swear by slings/carriers so you can wear the baby and still get things done.

She just wants to be close to you, but it won't last forever. You just need to do what you can to get through this short time. Have your partner leave you some really easy to prepare snacks etc.

I remember your last post and I hope your birth went smoothly, and that your mum acknowledges your baby has actually been born!

Remember, this is just a phase and it will get easier.

This is my second baby, he screamed for the first 12 weeks of life. He was either on the boob or screaming. Nothing in between. Give her a good feed and then pop her in a baby carrier, wrap if you've got one. She can sleep in there while you go and get a coffee and food, it's the only way I survived the first few weeks.
Try colic drops too, they saved my life. My son was soo unsettled until I started using these.
And yes it does get better 🫶

Oh I'm so sorry OP, that sounds really rubbish :(
You won't have done any harm leaving her to cry for 5 minutes. I think the psychologist in you probably knows that if you can let go of the guilt.

If this is a change from before is it worth getting her checked over just in case there is a medical issue? Reflux can make some babies very reluctant to be put down, or maybe milk supply has dropped and she isn't getting enough? But it could also just be one of those delightful baby phases.

I would embrace the contact naps as much as you can for now - especially if you're still getting semi-decent sleep at night and don't want any form of sleep training. Do you have a baby sling? Put her in that so you can sort yourself a drink, lunch, trip to the loo then sit down with her to nap and watch something on TV. How is she in the pushchair or car seat? (When awake, or soothing to sleep... you obviously don't want to encourage long naps in the car seat, or the pushchair unless it lies flat).

If you do want to start to gently encourage non-contact naps I can explain what we did, but I don't want to push you towards any form of sleep-training, even gentle, if that's not what you want. And 6w is still very young.

Take care of yourself! Do get support if you think it might be PND. You're doing great and your baby knows she is loved xx

The one things that saved me in this phase was putting baby in a sling and living on microwave meals at lunchtime.

Baby wasn't the biggest fan of the sling, but would tolerate it for enough time for me to eat. Even if I needed to eat standing sometimes!

Sometimes between 6 and 8 weeks are generally peak crying in newborns. It all gets better, I promise

Don't worry about the crying but I suggest you get a sling; she will sleep in there and you are mobile. It does get easier

The only thing that helped with my first DS was putting him in the pram and walking him where there were trees, he finally stopped crying, would lay there awake and we would walk for about an hour, then he finally went to sleep by himself. We would sometimes walk 3 times a day and he started sleeping a bit longer, but never more than an hour. I would eat and drink whilst feeding

I’d be wondering about silent reflux.

Worthwhile seeing GP as if it’s reflux she’ll. we’d something to settle it.

Don’t feel bad, everyone needs a break. Babies are not psychologically damaged if they cry for 5 minutes (what do you do if they are in the car seat and cannot stop to take them out). Positive is she sleeps well at night in her crib.

It does get better but takes awhile. Have you used a baby carrier? That will give you some freedom.

I think you need to reframe crying. Babies cry to communicate, not because they're desperately sad or distraught. A lot of the crying will just be normal conversation, albeit you're still learning her language. You can safely ignore someone wittering on, so leaving a baby crying for a few minutes really won't do any harm. And with the greatest respect, if that's what you got from your psychology lessons, then you've not been paying full attention in class.

You sound like an amazing but exhausted mum. You’ve given your baby every part of you that you can, it’s only natural and healthy that you have some time to replenish yourself.
i once tried to sleep train my first baby and he cried on and off for 2 hours. It broke me and I never did it again, but he’s the happiest most settled human ever, so please don’t beat yourself up about negative effects.
What you’re doing every day and the love that you obviously have is far more affecting than the occasional cry.
i read that babies go through growth spurts and it affects the neurologically which makes them cranky.
All mine became more awake and demanding at 6 weeks. It did pass.
With one particularly cranky baby, I tried cranial sacral massage and it helped enormously.
Please ask for some support, I wish you all the best

Oh dear poor you! My babies now have their own babies but there are times for us all when it just gets a little bit too much, and it sounds like you got there today. You haven’t damaged your baby, the baby will be fine if they cry for a bit. They won’t remember either. My advice, honestly, is to look after yourself a bit if you can. If you can eat better and rest, that will help. Have somewhere comfy with plenty of snacks and water to hand and honestly, you notice your baby crying. No one else does. They are just jolly grateful it isn’t theirs, and feel a bit sorry for you. Try not to shut yourself away as that won’t help your mental health.

Get a sling! It’s the solution to everything. My second and third babies have lived in it. Third is 12 weeks and has had 95% of all his naps in there, as I need to be able to crack on and look after 2yo and 4yo. He seems to love it. I can eat and wee and not neglect the bigger ones.

Sorry things are tough right now - sending love.

Ah OP, you are being way too hard on yourself. You have to eat, go to the toilet, shower, etc.

You have not traumatised your baby!

As a side note my baby had an undiagnosed tongue tie, I got fobbed off about his crying because he was our first. If you think it's beyond what is normal don't be made to feel silly for asking them to check.

My first slept mostly in either my or my husbands arms. When we had our second, my husband came for visiting at hospital, asked where the baby was and I responded in the crib. He then said, what's she doing in there,in bewilderment at a baby asleep in a crib.

It is so tough, and mum guilt is the worse. If you need to its okay to put the baby down and go take a breath (and loo trip), they may cry, but it will not wreck your bond but might just give you the strength to get through the next few hours.

Those early weeks are a killer. Will she take a dummy? I know they are controversial but you can be in control of it. It may work with a bit of perseverance if she is a baby that could stay on the boob forever! I had one of those - it’s relentless at times. The dummy might just give you a bit of a break?

Give her a dummy. Controversial here I know but there's nothing wrong with them. It would give her something to do. Babies love to suck.

I've spent a lot of time in France and you see much older kids with dummies all the time. In Paris last month I saw 3 - 4 yesr olds on the street with them. Im not suggesting you do that but for a tiny baby it might help

She's six weeks old - please please don't leave her to cry.

I had a little velcro one, he still loves a cuddle now and he's 7 this year! I found a soft sling for at home worked wonders, proper sling for out of the house, or I knew the routes to take with the bumpiest pavements for when I had the pram. Jiggling would send him off. What time does your partner go out in the mornings? Mine used to make me two big travel cups of coffee (contigo stays hot forever) and a packed lunch in the fridge even he was making his. Not eating properly won't be helping. I also never got the sleep when baby sleeps thing because mine often slept on me and even if he didn't I can't just switch off immediately and by the time I'd get to sleep he'd be awake again.
I don't know if this is reassuring but at 6 he sleeps 7/7:30-7/7:30 still and lots of his friends go to bed later and get up earlier!

Leaving her to cry for 10 minutes is preferable to doing anything disastrous like shaking the baby. It’s much more preferable to put the baby down somewhere safe. Have a drink of water and then go again.

I saw a graph once and six weeks is meant to be the peak crying amount! So hang in there! It shoud get better from now on!

I'd definitely second the people that said Sling or Carrier. Personally I never got on with slings but had a babybjorn baby carrier that DS (Second child) in particular spent a lot of time in! They are still so small and really just want to be attached to you all the time.