Feeling horrifically guilty for leaving my baby to cry

[ItsNotLupus]

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very very fragile today. I have a 6 week old baby who has become very very clingy in the past fortnight, having previously been what I would describe as easy (lucky me, I'd thought smugly in the first few weeks postpartum!). She will NOT settle for naps during the day. I think she's gone as long as 8 hours in a single day without sleeping at all, which just isn't healthy, though she will occasionally drop off after a feed (I'm EBF). If I succeed in getting her to sleep on the boob, the only way to guarantee she sleeps is to stay sitting still. This essentially means I can't eat, drink or go to the toilet in that time. I also can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" as I'm making sure she's safe as she sleeps on me.

The other, much bigger issue, though is that if she's awake and I'm not holding her and bouncing her round, she just cries hysterically. I went out for a coffee with friends and their babies yesterday and whilst they sat and enjoyed their coffee with their chilled babies, I literally didn't get to sit down and spent the entire occasion dancing manically around the cafe and singing to my baby whilst my drink went cold. It makes me want to not leave the house as I'm conscious of pissing people off in public with the noise if she cries. But then I'm home alone all day, and at home I can't put her on a mat or in her crib to give myself a minute to eat or use the loo. So the only two ways I can enjoy peace are to shove a nipple in her mouth or be constantly moving her round. And today I just reached the end of my tether with it. I just did not want to bounce around anymore. My legs hurt, and I have no energy for bouncing because all I've eaten today is a cereal bar 8 hours ago, before she woke up.

Long story short, after literally hours of alternating between screaming, feeding and bouncing, I put her in her crib and just left her to cry. Only for about 5 minutes, but she never stopped. It got more and more hysterical to the point it sounded like she could explode. I was advised to do this by my midwife if things ever got overwhelming; it's the first time I've done it, and it hasn't helped. I feel a million times worse than I did when I was just irritated by the incessant bouncing. I am firmly against 'cry it out' as a form of sleep training as I believe it can cause attachment issues (I come from a psychology background). Now I'm feeling awful that I've caused my baby trauma. I didn't even achieve anything by leaving her. I didn't use the time to get a drink or use the loo, I just cried as well.

I don't know if this is the onset of PND or if I'm just having a low moment after multiple days of the same situation with an irritable baby. I also don't really know what I'm looking for by posting, I guess I just wanted to vent.

Can anyone else with older babies offer any assurance that it gets better, or that I haven't now permanently damaged the bond with my baby?
Any tips for encouraging non-contact naps (she sleeps fine in her crib at night!)?
Or ideas to keep a baby chilled without constantly being on the move? FWIW I already have a mobile, a bouncer, visual stimuli cards, a play mat and a tummy time mat. They each keep her attention for a maximum of 10 minutes before the hysterics start...

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

Please don’t beat yourself up. Your baby won’t remember this and came to no harm. You sound exhausted. Be gentle with yourself x

I used the stretchy wraps, they felt safer for the first 4/5 months than the buckle carrier. Also ended up swaddling her for naps to help her settle for a while! And it's best to step away and breath like you did

Awww OP. Totally been there. Many many times over! And I have 3DC and my eldest recently turned 7! So clearly it's not all bad and it gets better!

Yorie doing great. So great. Your only 'failing' is to yourself. You are important. Your baby needs you. You need to put them down and leave them to cry more often. And by that I mean only for the time needed for you to quickly eat, use the toilet and so on.

Contact naps personally I'd just go with them for now. Your baby is so tiny.

I haven't rtft but some ideas, sorry if you've tried already or if they don't help, all babies are different:

• When I had my first baby, a relative bought me a lap tray as a present. It was honestly one of the best things we got! I breastfed all my babies and in the early months before I latched the baby on, I'd set the lap tray up either on a little table next to me, or on the sofa. Set it up with whatever I needed for the long haul - big filled bottle of water, hot drink, snacks, tissues, muslin, Lansinoh in the early weeks, TV remote, book, phone! Get comfy on the sofa with pillows etc. latch baby on. If they slept I'd stay there comfy with all my stuff and I was fine for a couple of hours even. I'd go the toilet before I latched them on. And yes my baby often cried for a few minutes whilst I was assembling everything and using the loo. They were fine afterwards!
• Could try naps in a sling or baby carrier or in the pram. My babies when they were tiny just contact napped or slept in the pram when I was out walking. Totally normal. As they get bigger it gets easier to put them down in a cot I've found. My 9mo hardly ever contact naps anymore. He had a short one this morning and I loved it because hardly ever get to do it anymore! I know the feeling of being touched out etc I totally get that, but it will get better in time even without you doing anything, honestly.

Also do you have a partner? You don't mention one and I have some other suggestions but they're based on a partner helping.

My first had reflux, I basically held him to sleep for about a year. My first thought was trying a dummy?

OP I also dislike leaving a baby to cry. But don't put too much pressure on yourself. A few minutes of crying won't do the baby any damage and sometimes you just need to put her down briefly to do something. Please don't feel guilty about this.

this was just like my first baby. Everyone else’s baby sat there chilling and I was always the one with the miserable baby. It did get easier but it’s really hard! Keep going and I promise you it gets easier. Xx

You did the right thing OP. Much better you did that than crack and then shake the baby (not saying you would but it’s when people can’t cope that these things are more likely)

my first baby was like yours. I stayed in a lot. Carrier is your friend. I was agains letting them cry much.

my next two babies were much easier. It wasn’t anything I did, just their natures

No harm done, but i dont know a cure for guilt.

• chiropracter
• automatic bouncer
• see doctor
• try some bottle feeds, see that baby is full
• light up jellyfish if they still sell them
• little baby bum on telly

You're in the absolute worst of it. Weeks 6-9 were awful with our DD. It began to get better week 10 and by week 12 there was a notable improvement. If it makes you feel better, it is absolutely normal. For some reason they also get colicky around that age in my opinion. Have you tried gripe water/colic drops? We found some relief from that, from baby wearing, and frankly, time. It is ok to leave them to cry for a few minutes. That is how they learn to self soothe. Highly recommend the book bringing up bebe, about raising baby in France, to look at the different parenting styles, particularly with newborns and connecting sleep cycles. The days are long, the years are short, you'll be through it soon, even if it doesn't feel like it. I remember counting the minutes until my DH came home from work in the 4th trimester, it was miserable. Good luck!

Just to agree with most others. Look at getting a sling. Find a sling library of look on Facebook for supportive baby carring groups!
What got me through first 2 months was that 8 weeks is ment to be peak crying! We were counting down the days . It did get better after 8 weeks!
Hang on in there.

You’re overthinking this.

Your baby needs nothing more than warm affection, attentive parenting, feeding and cleaning. That is all you need to provide. Babies cry. You will drive yourself insane if you aim to stop this from EVER happening. You need to look after yourself, eat, drink, sleep and god forbid enjoy a bit of time not at work.

You do not need to spend money on bullshit quackery that other mothers will try to advise to legitimise the unevidenced expensive choices they have made.

Having a baby is a roll of the dice and none of us know whether we’re getting one that sleeps, eats, is born walking etc etc. It is all temporary and I’ve never heard of a 3 year old that needs constant bouncing around. Your baby probably can’t even hold their own head up properly yet so the likelihood of training them in anything is vanishingly small.
You have a science background- everything is a distribution of normal right? Some babies cry more and are at the more extreme end of normal. If all else is well- this is probably just temperament? I think we can give ourself too much credit for the good stuff and pressure for the bad- baby is just going to baby until they’ve grown out of it.

Get a wrap, get out as much as you can, keep going for coffees with other people (no one is as bothered as you about the crying) and for gods sake get Dad to do some rocking while you perform basic personal hygiene, eat and have a moment to yourself girl- you’re doing a great job.

Industrial ear plugs?

That level of noise would drive me mad. And I guess it will only get louder as the lungs develop.

Oh OP, I could have written your post. My LO was exactly like this at 6 weeks, they needed constant motion to stay settled/sleep and I remember looking around in awe at babies that seemed happy just lying there doing nothing. It’s really hard, long pram walks and car journeys were a saviour then as well as the bouncer and automated swing. I would also sit on a yoga ball and bounce with baby! People swear by slings but mine never took to it. I found an engaging baby gym and music was quite helpful, when they got a little bit older. The first time I was able to put them down in the baby gym for half an hour without crying almost made me cry!

My DH and I often speak about those days and how exhausting it was. Things improved a lot from about 16 weeks, my LO is 18 months now and particularly independent, finding amusement in anything. This time shall pass. Also I’m a psychologist and I can guarantee that you’re not traumatised your child by letting them cry. The pattern of behaviour towards your child is what matters, and it’s very clear that you are highly responsive and attuned. None of us are perfect, as you’ve got a psychology background you may well have unrelenting standards and a critical self voice - be mindful of this, as parenting can really challenge you and you learn that ‘good enough’ really is great.

Oh lovely you did the right thing so stop feeling guilty please. You put her somewhere safe and gave yourself a few minutes to cry and release some of that pent up emotion, you will not have traumatised her and you won't traumatise her if you need to do it again occasionally in the future. Trauma comes from leaving her for a prolonged period over and over again not taking 5 mins when you are reaching breaking point.

It does get easier, I can't tell you when as every baby is different but it will! Will she nap in her pram with you rocking it back and forth with your foot as you sit on the sofa with a cuppa or whilst out for a walk? Do you have a local sling library so you can see if she will settle for a contact nap in a sling without ordering all the different types and styles to see which suits you both?

I understand this might not be for you and that's your choice but have you considered trying a dummy? I'm not advocating for or against as its a personal choice and no judgement either way. For my DD it was recommended due to a different issue and it was a bit hit and miss, with my DS it was the only thing that shut him up and settled him some days lol

Don't stop going out and socialising with your friends and their wee ones but at the same time don't put pressure on yourself to go/attend every meet up if you and/or the wee one are having a rough day.

Do you have any support from friends or family who can come and rock the baby whilst you grab some sleep/shower/do whatever you need to do?

The first wee while of being responsible for a tiny human is fucking HARD even with "easier" babies, as you get used to your child and their personality it does become easier as you get to know them.

Ah OP, of course you haven’t damaged her by letting her cry. If so, all children born after the first would be psychologically damaged because it’s almost impossible to tend immediately to your second born while dealing with a clingy toddler at the same time. I’d also go for a dummy, it will save your sanity. Chucked them away at six months old for each child and both kids have beautiful straight teeth.

There's a reason people used to pop baby in pram and leave in garden all day

I'm going through the same and he's 11 weeks now doctor has me on sertraline as I couldnt take the crying anymore and its already made such a huge difference, babys also been put on lansoprazole for his reflux .
Your not alone x

Yes my DC was a contact napper until he was 1.5 (though would magically nap solo at nursery of course lol). I leant right in, had everything ready, watched TV quietly with subtitles, read a book or went down Wikipedia rabbit holes while he slept. I found it hard that I couldn’t nap as well but decided to accept that resting was the next best thing and enjoy the cuddles.

please don’t worry OP. Sometimes you have to leave them to cry. They are safe and you need a moment. I don’t have any advice on the constant crying I’m afraid but other posters will I am sure. I promise it really does get easier. The first 12 weeks are hell!

Hugs for you. I’ve survived three EBF Velcro babies and I GET IT. By the third one I was able to appreciate the contact naps as I had a much better concept of how ‘fleeting’ that phase is but the first one - my God. It’s one of those things that is tortuously unending when you’re in it, but when you’re out of it and they’re starting school you’re like ‘that time passed so quickly!’.
You’re advised to put the baby down and walk away in those situations so that you don’t hurt (eg shake) the baby. So don’t feel bad that it didn’t help or ‘achieve’ anything, it’s literally just so you don’t snap and do something you shouldn’t.
There’s nothing really I can say or do to help, all babies are different and you’ll have to find your own way, but some things that worked with mine are:
a wrap or sling for naps, mine all had to be sort of ‘trained’ into accepting this, so putting them in for a little bit everyday before they get tired/cranky and bouncing around/singing whatever until they’re happy with it and eventually they’ll be happy enough to fall asleep in it so you’re hands free and can walk around, even go places (you will eventually need to train them to sleep in their own bed but if that feels to big a step just now the wrap was a good in between step for me).
an exercise ball - so that you can do the bouncing that they like but you get to sit down. Loved that thing. An absolute life saver.
Also, just remember that everything is a phase. The good and the bad. Nothing lasts (as you have discovered with the good start you had that is now gone!). This phase won’t last forever. And then there will be another one, and another. Just when you get it figured out, they change the goalposts. And that’s normal! And you will learn to roll with the punches.
You’re going a great job. EBF is hard core. You’ll get through this! You can do anything!

Also, the crying when you’re out and about (particularly with your first one) is awful, but only for you. It makes your entire body respond, I used to sweat and just feel like I needed to get baby to stop crying with every fibre of my being! But nobody else feels like that, nobody else is hearing the baby cry as loud as you are. When I hear a newborn baby cry now it sounds like the tiniest little sound but I know it sounds like an alarm blaring for the mum. Don’t be worrying about bothering other people is what I mean, very few people would actually be bothered by that (and if they are they can fuck off).

Oh bless you! Try not to think of this period as "worse" than the previous 5 weeks, she's doing what she developmentally should do (waking more than she was before and focusing on being safe and close to you). She's exactly where she should be. Definitely get a sling, Definitely don't worry if you have to leave her a few mins to get a drink or have a wee, Definitely prep for the day with snacks everywhere and drinks with straws. I agree with the person who said lean in to it, get some box sets lined up, snacks in and enjoy the excuse to laze at home a bit. It's the luxury of the first baby because you've no other kids to look after, and if she just wants to cuddle up with you, relax into that. If it's easier to have friends over and ask them to sort you both a tea, then socialise that way, or try baby cinema where she just sleeps on you and you watch a film.
You're doing fab, the fact this has worried you shows how caring and lovely you are. Deep breaths, remember Everything Is A Phase. Maybe read some of the teenagers mum's posts too, trust me they make you cling tight to the younger years!

If your baby needs constant rocking you MUST get a rocking/vibrating baby chair. I recommend the mamaroo - my first born would not settle without either being rocked or in the mamaroo. It was like having someone constantly there to rock/take/settle the baby when I'd had enough. I also used it to lull DC to sleep overnight before transferring them to the cot.

My subsequent kids didn't need so much rocking and didn't really use the chair. But I would 100% recommend getting one in your case. It'll save your sanity - no need for you to physically have to constantly bounce your baby when we have all these devices now

DS1 was a clingy non napping baby.
We had no help. I wasn’t prepared to wait it out for months on end.
I gave up bf at three months, (had got him to take an occasional bottle of breast milk from 10 days as didn’t want a bottle refuser) and switched to formula to get a physical and psychological break. DH could then do more. We all slept better.
I then put him in nursery pt at four months and went back to work. Instantly felt 1000% better. Did similar with DS2 two years later.
That was 22 years ago and we were all attached and bonded just fine.

Oh wow, thank you all (well, all bar 3 rude posters) for your kind words and advice. I've read through every single one and I'm truly grateful for the kind words and practical tips. Too many for me to respond to personally, and there was a lot of overlapping content, so I'll respond generally.

1. I do have a partner. He's out the house 7-5, Monday to Friday for work and does some online evening and weekend meetings. When he's not working he is very hands on domestically, and the baby is happy to be soothed by him, unless it's food she's after.

1. Lots of suggestions to use a sling. I do have one, but she really hates it currently. She's very much exploring kicking her little legs around so it may be that she finds it restrictive. I will keep persevering though.

1. She does generally settle in the pram; I try to go walking where possible, particularly when she's not settling, but it rained all day today so it wasn't an option. Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter so we can get some fresh air.

1. Reflux came up a few times - this has been an issue since she was 3 weeks old. It's not silent though, and we ended up in A&E one evening because she wasn't holding anything down at all. She was thoroughly checked and they were happy with her health overall and breastfeeding latch. I have been advised to hold her upright for 30 minutes after feeding. This is easier at night as she falls asleep over my shoulder, but hard in the daytime when she's awake and wriggling. I do think this is probably a major source of her discontent and the thing I need to work on.

As an aside note, I'm feeling much better than earlier. DH took over when he got home and I popped out for a dog walk on my own to clear my head. She did a giant poo in my absence so I think this is probably what's been bothering her all day - she's quite calm now.

Thank you again for the kind words. I'm going to ignore the judgemental comments which criticised me but offered no practical solutions.

Aww lovely! She is still so little and the newborn phase is tough! One thing I will say is if she’s screaming all time time think about changing your diet to avoid dairy in the first instance to see if that helps (do it for a good month). Xx