Feeling horrifically guilty for leaving my baby to cry

[ItsNotLupus]

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very very fragile today. I have a 6 week old baby who has become very very clingy in the past fortnight, having previously been what I would describe as easy (lucky me, I'd thought smugly in the first few weeks postpartum!). She will NOT settle for naps during the day. I think she's gone as long as 8 hours in a single day without sleeping at all, which just isn't healthy, though she will occasionally drop off after a feed (I'm EBF). If I succeed in getting her to sleep on the boob, the only way to guarantee she sleeps is to stay sitting still. This essentially means I can't eat, drink or go to the toilet in that time. I also can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" as I'm making sure she's safe as she sleeps on me.

The other, much bigger issue, though is that if she's awake and I'm not holding her and bouncing her round, she just cries hysterically. I went out for a coffee with friends and their babies yesterday and whilst they sat and enjoyed their coffee with their chilled babies, I literally didn't get to sit down and spent the entire occasion dancing manically around the cafe and singing to my baby whilst my drink went cold. It makes me want to not leave the house as I'm conscious of pissing people off in public with the noise if she cries. But then I'm home alone all day, and at home I can't put her on a mat or in her crib to give myself a minute to eat or use the loo. So the only two ways I can enjoy peace are to shove a nipple in her mouth or be constantly moving her round. And today I just reached the end of my tether with it. I just did not want to bounce around anymore. My legs hurt, and I have no energy for bouncing because all I've eaten today is a cereal bar 8 hours ago, before she woke up.

Long story short, after literally hours of alternating between screaming, feeding and bouncing, I put her in her crib and just left her to cry. Only for about 5 minutes, but she never stopped. It got more and more hysterical to the point it sounded like she could explode. I was advised to do this by my midwife if things ever got overwhelming; it's the first time I've done it, and it hasn't helped. I feel a million times worse than I did when I was just irritated by the incessant bouncing. I am firmly against 'cry it out' as a form of sleep training as I believe it can cause attachment issues (I come from a psychology background). Now I'm feeling awful that I've caused my baby trauma. I didn't even achieve anything by leaving her. I didn't use the time to get a drink or use the loo, I just cried as well.

I don't know if this is the onset of PND or if I'm just having a low moment after multiple days of the same situation with an irritable baby. I also don't really know what I'm looking for by posting, I guess I just wanted to vent.

Can anyone else with older babies offer any assurance that it gets better, or that I haven't now permanently damaged the bond with my baby?
Any tips for encouraging non-contact naps (she sleeps fine in her crib at night!)?
Or ideas to keep a baby chilled without constantly being on the move? FWIW I already have a mobile, a bouncer, visual stimuli cards, a play mat and a tummy time mat. They each keep her attention for a maximum of 10 minutes before the hysterics start...

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

I did have to respond to this! My DM is very much the doting GM and definitely reflected on her hurtful words about my CS delivery. She was very much in the camp of "you've had major surgery, please look after yourself" etc after my DD was born (or not born, whatever!). I don't know if someone had a word with her (maybe she made the same comment to someone else who put her in her place) or if she just realised afterwards how moronic she'd been. I didn't bother mentioning it to her, but I think DH will hold a grudge forever now - he still brings it up from time to time!

Glad to see your update OP and that you’re feeling a bit better. Just a note about the sling - you might have to try a few different kinds until you find one that suits you and your baby. If there is a sling library near you it’s worth popping along to try some on and get advice from a consultant. They really are lifesavers when you find the right one. Good luck! You’re doing great.

@ItsNotLupus

I couldnt agree with @Mrsttcno1 more.

Before your DH/DP leaves for the day he should help you get set up for the day. So tea in a mug with a lid, filled water bottle, an easy lunch in the fridge and some snacks somewhere handy.

Then just reconcile yourself to it. It’s a phase - it WILL pass.

Also dont waste time comparing yourself / your babies with the other mums. They will have phases of their own for sure.

Getting out is very important for your mental health so get a good baby carrier.

Also check out the Wonder Weeks app / book - I found it so helpful.

Congratulations on your baby. It gets easier - promise.

Oh OP I remember how hard this phase was - it will get better but it’s so hard while you’re going through it, I remember people saying it would be better by 12 weeks and they might as well have said it’ll be better in 100 years, that felt so far away.

Your little one won’t have been harmed at all by crying for 5 minutes - the research showing how not responding to babies’ crying is harmful is mostly based on children who lived in the Romanian orphanages and got almost no love and affection, not otherwise loved and cherished children whose parents are at the end of their tether. When you left your little one could you still hear her? If you can, I found it best to be (safely!) out of earshot or I got even more stressed. Look after yourself when you can - even asking this shows how amazingly you’re doing 💜

Lots of good advice already. Re slings you could try a sling library to see if she may prefer a different one.
My little one contact napped until 12 months. Its hard! Hang in there

Don’t beat yourself up OP. It is not a big thing, and won’t be a big thing. This phase is hellish. It will pass.

Ahh I'm really glad to read this OP! Sounds like she just said something daft but if she's otherwise a loving mum and grandmother then I wouldn't dwell on it, which it doesn't sound like you are.

For what it's worth, my mum has never been the most maternal, loving mum but I have to say she's an absolutely brilliant grandmother. I look at her with my daughter sometimes and think "who even are you?" 😂

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better after a walk. Sometimes all you need is a little break.

Glad you're feeling a little lighter OP.

The reason that I asked about whether you had a partner was to suggest him taking baby immediately upon his return from work wherever possible. Even just for 20 minutes. I still dump all my kids on DH the minute he's in the door whenever I can! I used the time to cook or tidy up from dinner or something but at least it's 20 minutes peace and time alone after an inevitably chaotic day. It helps keep me calm for the bedtime dramas that then soon follow...!

The other reason that I asked is also to suggest what other people have already done now regarding your partner setting up up for the day in the morning etc. when mine were tiny, I'd shower either in the morning before DH left for work, or in the evening before bed when he was home. He'd make me breakfast before work, he'd fill up a big water bottle for me, he'd make me a packed lunch or whatever for lunch when he made his own the night before. So I could just grab it out of the fridge when I had a minute and eat it whilst breastfeeding if necessary etc. He also did most of the housework on a night whilst I went to bed early, or on the weekends (or he'd have baby when I wasn't stuck feeding and I'd do some on the weekends).

Both mine suddenly became unsettled at 6 weeks. Then massively calmed down again at 12 weeks. I read somewhere about it being a development stage where they are just much more aware of the world and its can be all very overwhelming.
White noise was useful - really loud! One baby loved to sleep in front of the tumble dryer. Apparently this generic noise helps cut out all the other stimulation when overtired.

I think the evidence shows the weeks before 8 weeks is peak fussiness, then it should get better (little by little)
My baby was like this, up every two hours at night then would only contact nap in the day so I only ever got a nap at the weekends when my partner was home. Luckily I would be able to get him to sleep if I timed a walk in the pram right, then I would at least get to sit on a park bench with a coffee! I lost so much weight in the first 3 months post partnum as I was always nap trapped and couldn’t eat or walking all day!
It only improved for me with sleep training which we did at 7 months (controlled crying) - My understanding is that attachment is built up over the first few years of life and an important part of that is rupture and repair. Don’t beat yourself up about 5 minutes, it’s the advice given by the NHS, you’ve had six weeks of breastfeeding and contact napping that’s done far more for your bond than a few minutes of crying.

Dear ItsNotLupus, I could have written your post nearly 35 years ago. I feel so sorry for you, especially when you're around other mothers and babies who seemingly have everything sussed.

You have had some good advice, so I want to address three things with you - sleep/rest, nutrition and crying.

Crying is probably the easiest - have you heard about purple crying? It turns out that's the modern name for what was called crying baby syndrome in my day. If you think you are dealing with this, Do Not Let Your Baby Cry (or allow anyone else to). If you need to walk around bouncing baby all the time she is awake, so be it. It is so much better than hours of crying. Try a bouncy chair if you haven't already and when she's a bit older, a baby walker - yes horrendously dangerous but you CAN use it safely - or a baby swing that hangs from a door frame will hold baby securely upright while you supervise sitting down, resting your arms and legs.

Sleep/Rest - Do not worry about baby not getting enough sleep. She will sleep if she needs to. I found that, paradoxically, the more she slept, the more she would sleep. In other words a decent afternoon nap led to a better night. Your problem is not baby's sleep but your own and your DH.

Firstly, if you don't already, learn to bf lying on your side. This will help you rest and maybe snatch a few moments of precious sleep. If baby sleeps on the boob, even better - you can sleep too. Yes, I am advocating bed sharing. It can be done safely. If this helps, find Dad another sleeping space - he'll sleep better and more space in the bed is much safer.

Secondly, if these measures leave you still really tired, consider taking sleep shifts. I have mentioned elsewhere about handing over a fed baby to Dad after work (he can use a sling while he potters around) and go to bed and sleep. He can bring the baby to you for a lying down feed and then you go back to sleep. Aim for 6 hours in bed and then take over from Dad to allow him to sleep. You and baby in one bed, him in another. See how you get on with prioritising sleep for everyone and if it's working, tweak things to suit you.

Nutrition - see if you or Dad can find a moment to pack a lunchbox for you. If food is ready to eat, you can eat while you are sitting up to bf. Have fruit, crisps, nuts, chocolate and a drink near your bed and/or chair so that you can feed yourself when you feed baby. If trying to make a hot drink is more than you can manage, perhaps an insulated cup or flask might help?

These are just some of the things we did with child #1 and they helped us survive. I'm sure you can think of some things yourself, as long as you try to concentrate on what the real issues are - like you needing more rest and sleep, rather than baby needing to be bounced and rocked all day.

Good luck to you. I'm proof that you can do this, ItsNotLupus. Mine is just coming up to her 35th birthday. Rest assured that some babies really are that difficult and it's highly unlikely that anything you are doing is contributing to that. Feel free to reach out with questions, some reassurance or to vent. Yes, it is hard and it's not wrong to acknowledge that ❤️

@tellmesomethingtrue

it was five minutes , hardly crying it out. How else do you suspect Op to be able to shower or go to toilet or whatever ?

https://iconcope.org/

Please have a look at the ICON website. What you did is NOT crying it out. It’s ok to walk away from a baby who’s been put in a safe place.

Crying peaks between 6 and 8 weeks. This will get better.

My son never slept unless he was on my chest. He ended up being diagnosed with reflux. It might be worth looking into

Ah op that's hard stuff but you're doing amazing!!!

Newborn days are tough.

I think there's a few things to consider, baby wearing is great - if all else failed I'd have worn ds in his sling in just a nappy and not worn a top for skin to skin. On the days where it felt like an actual disaster, I went back to basics and skin to skin under the dressing gown or in bed or in the bath usually helped us both to calm down.

Ds cried a lot, awful colic and it was due to wind from a tongue tie, he was like a different child when we eventually got it released.

At 6 weeks they are feeding a lot and around that time your supply regulates as well. I'd also worry about your supply if you're not sleeping and the only thing you've eaten is a cereal bar. YOU are the cog that keeps the machine turning so YOU need to be the first fed and watered etc. So whoever else you have supporting you, partner or friend or family etc needs to help you do that. My ex used to bring me a bowl of porridge before he left for work so if nothing else I had got that in me before my day started. I also prepped myself a meal or two the night before and had it in the fridge so I could eat even when wearing ds. Although I often had to let it go cold as I didn't want to eat it hot over the top of him.

The bath was also a great soother and just getting outside for a walk in the sling.

I ebf but I did introduce a dummy at 6 weeks as by then supply is generally regulated, and dummy is now recommended for preventing SIDS but I used it specifically for moments when I just needed to pee, or quickly eat etc and didn't want to leave ds to cry.

I would say you did absolutely the right thing, leave baby down somewhere they are safe and take a moment. I work with kids with attachment issues, none of them come to see me because their mum left them in their cot for 5 minutes to shower her head! So it really is OK.

I also got one of those starlight projectors and ds used to stop to watch the colours etc moving on the ceiling for a few moments.

I would speak to your hv to rule out any issues like tongue tie or cmpa which can create very upset babies.

I also used to keep a little record in my phone notes of my 'wins' and some days they were tiny like keeping my patience when I was really struggling or that I managed to get us both up and out for the day etc and when I was struggling I read back through those to remind myself that on the whole I was doing OK, because when you're in those moments it feels like it will never end and feels awful.

The lack of sleep is tough but it doesn't last forever. As soon as my ex came home he took ds for an hour and I slept for as long as I could get before he needed fed again.

I also found tracking along with the wonder weeks helped as certain weeks are more developmentally intense and they feed more in preparation which is intense for you. Also looking into any bf support groups in your area because it is tough going and it's good to have others round you who are also in the thick of it and who are part of the 3am club.

If you're really mentally struggling then first step is making sure everyone who can support you is supporting you to the best of their ability, and second is speaking to the gp/hv so they can assess you for pnd and get you the right support.

Parenting is a huge adjustment, lack of sleep is a form of torture and bf is a massive toll on your body. It's all a LOT so you are incredible and even the fact you're posting on here shows that you're doing all you can to be the best mummy you can be. Your little one is lucky to have you.

6 - 9 weeks was awful for us! I remember being so chilled for the first 6 weeks and then everything changed. Crying non stop unless breast feeding, or napping, needing to be held all the time. This was in Covid. Truthfully I resigned myself to being an indoors person for a few weeks and just reminding myself constantly it would pass. I did feel low, and trapped, it’s hard. It passes, but still hard.

This sounds so tough to not get nap times!

Have you tried -

• rocking Moses basket
• a baby carrying sling
• rocking chair
• bouncing with her on exercise ball
• vibrating baby chair
• rockit to make the pram vibrate
• safe cosleeping in bed

Please don’t beat yourself up op. I had twins- at 6 weeks I was on my own with twins and a 2 year old a lot. Trust me, they cried by themselves multiple times during the day whilst I was seeing to the other baby or toddler. It takes 2 hands to change a baby so the other would cry, two hands to burp, pump, put one in a sling, try to get one off for a nap. They are teenagers now, no harm done I can assure you! We all do what we must, and feeding yourself and self care is an absolute must. So leaving baby to cry in a bouncer or on a mat whilst you get food or make a tea is absolutely ok.

I went through this exact thing and literally everyone I know who breastfed has the same story. EBF babies just do not settle themselves and they don't sleep. It's ok to give them some formula to see if it fixes these problems and helps you to start enjoying your time together because honestly, being breastfed doesn't make the slightest bit of difference to their health at all and it's not worth this misery ❤️. Give yourself a break!

Ps if you also had a toddler the newborn would be waiting crying like this quite a few times a day so please don't feel bad!

Sorry you’re struggling darling I’ve got a 4 month old and a second on the way I had this with my little boy he was just screaming and screaming second after second I found a white noise machine helped or a baby sleep music on YouTube and if they sleep in there pram a rockit is good for the pram I found that really really helped me while out with him and gave me that 2 minutes to my self

My eldest was similar, I feel your pain!!
He absolutely wouldn't sleep for more than 5 minutes unless he was on me. He woke constantly all night and day. It nearly broke me!!!
I'm so sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom, just letting you know you're not alone.
And you definitely won't have caused him any damage by putting him in his cot for a bit. If you used that time to cry, at least you know he was safe.
His teeth also started coming through at 5/6 weeks, could it be that?
Sending strength xx

My 3rd baby was like this and was left to cry for 5 minutes about 10 times a day!
I had bums to wipe, tea to cook, school/nursery to get to on time. Sometimes it was unavoidable.
Honestly they're fine now though 😂

mu eldest was like this- he is now he very chilled 16 years old. It will pass! What helped me get through it was a sling and a dummy. Also lots of baby groups because he loved the interactions/stimulations (he is still very social to this day!)
if it gets too much, there’s no harm in seeing a child psychotherapist (ACP regulated). They know how to work with mum and babies

Glad your feeling brighter 🥰
my youngest little one had reflux and was prescribed ranitidine
wow it changed him from a screaming angry uncomfortable mess to a happy baby!
if it’s still continuing do go back to the doctors as they can easily and readily prescribed medication to help.
good luck