Feeling horrifically guilty for leaving my baby to cry

[ItsNotLupus]

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very very fragile today. I have a 6 week old baby who has become very very clingy in the past fortnight, having previously been what I would describe as easy (lucky me, I'd thought smugly in the first few weeks postpartum!). She will NOT settle for naps during the day. I think she's gone as long as 8 hours in a single day without sleeping at all, which just isn't healthy, though she will occasionally drop off after a feed (I'm EBF). If I succeed in getting her to sleep on the boob, the only way to guarantee she sleeps is to stay sitting still. This essentially means I can't eat, drink or go to the toilet in that time. I also can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" as I'm making sure she's safe as she sleeps on me.

The other, much bigger issue, though is that if she's awake and I'm not holding her and bouncing her round, she just cries hysterically. I went out for a coffee with friends and their babies yesterday and whilst they sat and enjoyed their coffee with their chilled babies, I literally didn't get to sit down and spent the entire occasion dancing manically around the cafe and singing to my baby whilst my drink went cold. It makes me want to not leave the house as I'm conscious of pissing people off in public with the noise if she cries. But then I'm home alone all day, and at home I can't put her on a mat or in her crib to give myself a minute to eat or use the loo. So the only two ways I can enjoy peace are to shove a nipple in her mouth or be constantly moving her round. And today I just reached the end of my tether with it. I just did not want to bounce around anymore. My legs hurt, and I have no energy for bouncing because all I've eaten today is a cereal bar 8 hours ago, before she woke up.

Long story short, after literally hours of alternating between screaming, feeding and bouncing, I put her in her crib and just left her to cry. Only for about 5 minutes, but she never stopped. It got more and more hysterical to the point it sounded like she could explode. I was advised to do this by my midwife if things ever got overwhelming; it's the first time I've done it, and it hasn't helped. I feel a million times worse than I did when I was just irritated by the incessant bouncing. I am firmly against 'cry it out' as a form of sleep training as I believe it can cause attachment issues (I come from a psychology background). Now I'm feeling awful that I've caused my baby trauma. I didn't even achieve anything by leaving her. I didn't use the time to get a drink or use the loo, I just cried as well.

I don't know if this is the onset of PND or if I'm just having a low moment after multiple days of the same situation with an irritable baby. I also don't really know what I'm looking for by posting, I guess I just wanted to vent.

Can anyone else with older babies offer any assurance that it gets better, or that I haven't now permanently damaged the bond with my baby?
Any tips for encouraging non-contact naps (she sleeps fine in her crib at night!)?
Or ideas to keep a baby chilled without constantly being on the move? FWIW I already have a mobile, a bouncer, visual stimuli cards, a play mat and a tummy time mat. They each keep her attention for a maximum of 10 minutes before the hysterics start...

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

My youngest had silent reflux which I later found out was due to CMPA. She was like this, i once held her for 24 hours straight and had to go to the toilet with her in a sling. It's actually pretty common but the silent reflux is often not picked up on easily because they're not being sick. Some signs of silent reflux are: frequent hiccups, a panicky expression, swallowing a lot, unable to lie on their back and..being very clingy and crying/screaming a lot. There may be more signs but these I remember (she's 9 now). My GP was really unhelpful and said there was nothing wrong with her and I had to insist on seeing a paediatrician who diagnosed it at 4 months. In the interim you could try removing dairy from your diet to see if it helps (depending how desperate you feel). If I had another baby it's the first thing I would do not the last because although people say all this crying is normal, I don't think it is. My other 2 babies had the regular reflux which was easy to resolve with reflux medication and reflux thickened formula. None of my babies cried for no reason so I don't believe in it. I wish there were more posters in children's centres and more awareness about silent reflux and CMPA. Colic is not a condition but a GP will tell you babies have it when they dont settle. All colic means is they don't know what's wrong, it's not anything in particular. It's nonsense.

Why bother commenting? This isn't supportive or helpful at all

Don't be ridiculous!

OP - please leave your baby in a safe spot (pram, cot, play mat on the floor) & let them cry whilst you use the loo, eat a sandwich, scream into a pillow in frustration, whatever it is in that moment you need. 5-10 minutes of baby crying in a safe place when you are at the brink of not being able to do it anymore is better than the consequences of not putting them safe & taking a step away.

Most of us have been there at some point; I distinctly remember putting my eldest in her cot, walking out the room & sobbing on the floor asking myself why I thought I could do this.

Being a mum is hard, so very hard, but you're doing great!

I had a baby like this he's now a lovely wee 8 year old. It does get better but it's so hard. Is baby crying the whole you hold them while awake? If so someone else can hold them while you grab something quick. Even if they cry someone is there with them. 5 minutes won't have hurt baby I believe it's the constant leaving baby to cry that the problem. Once in how many millions of times you've responded to baby cries will be ok.

Get a supportive friend round even if you are contact napping least they can fetch you a drink or food.

I had a basket on my sofa filled with non perishable non loud packets food and bottles of juice. So when nap trapped I could reach for it.
Don't be afraid to bother the doctor about getting some answers. Like tounge tie, cmpa or something else.

@Notmycircusnotmyotter

so what exactly do you want OP to do then? Not wash? Piss herself?

I think (almost) everyone’s already given great advice and mines no different. This is normal at 6 weeks in an EBF baby. You are doing great, that 5 minutes was essential for you both and was the right thing to do (and I am very anti leaving babies to cry but there are circumstances where it is the only option as this was). Don’t feel bad because you did the right thing.

A sling is essential. Wear your baby to get the basics done, prioritise feeding yourself and staying hydrated or it will affect your milk supply, try cranio sacral therapy - it really helped DD at 6 weeks, if you had antibiotics during labour or had a C-section look into probiotic drops for the baby, use baby safe soothing lavender essential oils to burn, for baby massage, a few drops nearby on crib sheets or your pillowcase to encourage sleep & relaxation, a vibrating baby chair for when you need to shower etc. you can buy a little gadget you fit to any baby chair, crib or pram to make it rock/vibrate. I didn’t use colic drops but they sound like a good idea and I wish I’d known about them. Bush Flower Essences are incredible for all sorts of things. (I still use them for sleep for me, and the focus one for DD who has ADD traits undiagnosed) There’s a whole bunch for new mums and babies here https://ausflowers.com.au/en-eu/collections/parenting-children

I really hope things get better soon. Sending you strength.

My son was similar.. crying not happy quite a bit. It does get better, a lot better.

But in the mean time, just keep experimenting with solutions, and when one works, you'll find it much easier.

Have you tried a dummy? I know they are frowned upon by some mums, but for kids who just can't settle, they can be a better comrpromise than crying it out, or the mum suffering.

How is your baby in the pram? My son wouldn't sleep without movement and I still remember countless laps of the living room with I'm on my shoulder until he fell asleep. When he accepted the pram it was much easier. I'd do circles around the room, and then when he slept, I could just leave him in the pram to nap, and take it around with me.

At this young age, you just do what you can to keep yourself sane and your babys needs filled.

OP I did exactly the same when my first was 6 weeks old. That child broke me (said half joking). It's like she knew mummy was on the edge though as she started to sleep again after that. This is a really tough stage but you will get through it.
No child remembers being left to cry for small periods of time while their caregiver cares for themselves.

I’m sorry OP, virtual handhold!

DD is nearly two, she’s always been a Velcro baby (not so much now, she’d be the easiest kid to kidnap with the promise of seeing a puppy/sweeties).

I remember my mum putting her arm out to stop me from picking her up as she cried constantly when not being held.

The first baby rocker (more like a swing) didn’t work but we got another one off Facebook that she’d lay in and watch me in the bath. Actually, I’d take her in the bath with me fairly regularly. Gave me the chance to relax and she liked having the nipple to hand!

I spent a lot of time taking DD on long walks in the pram, I’d put my headphones in and either catch up with friends/listen to a book. Take a walk to the shop to get myself a treat. Even better I’d ask a friend to come with me. Even now I take DD out for a walk once a day in her pram and park her inside the back gate for her nap. For some reason she sleeps much better outside.

This probably doesn’t feel like advice but I feel like a pro at doing things one-handed now. The only thing I’d struggle with was dishing up but I’d be able to cook the rest of the dinner holding DD. DD started standing on a chair giving me a ‘hand’ by 11 months; she’d pass me potatoes and knew where the peels went.

She’s also taught herself to poo in the potty and I think that’s from purely hanging out with me in the bathroom.

As for crying in the coffee shop, if she’s crying when you’re holding her something is ‘up’. If she stops crying when you hold her she just wants you. Do you have any real life support?

My eldest baby was like this. It was reflux. So long as she was being worn upright in a sling or on someone's chest, she could sleep. Do what you need to do so you are both happy. You're doing great

My daughter was exactly the same. Get yourself a sling carrier and pop her in there. You can carry on your normal activities etc and be hands free, but baby still has the closeness and you’ll probably find she’ll sleep on you in the sling. It does get easier I promise and leaving her for 5 minutes to cry to regroup yourself, however horrible it is, sometimes needs to be done for your own sanity

Have you got a sling/baby carrier? Pop baby in one and go about your day…it’s a win win in a difficult situation! You can still have your drink, pop the washing on, go for a wee, and watch tv…whatever it is you want to do, and baby is still close and cwtched up to you.

Sling / stretchy wrap is a lifesaver. And prep some food for the next day in the evenings (or have your partner do it) that you can eat with one hand. Sandwiches, cut up fruit, etc..You need to look after your basic needs or you won’t have the strength (mental or physical) to look after hers.

I had a very similar baby and it nearly broke me psychologically. My advice is going to depend on if you have a partner or not. What is your status in that regard?

I'm sorry but this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read! It was 5 minutes! If OP needs 5 mins to have a wee or something to eat then so be it! Babies need mother's to be on their game, but they can't be if they can't handle a simple task or have a couple of minutes to themselves to get their heads together! Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Try not to make the OP feel bad!

Hi please don’t feel bad about anything. It sounds like you are doing exceptionally well. No one gives us a manual when we come home with baby and
how to deal with these situations, it’s absolutely exhausting!
I exclusively BF and Co slept with my first and he cried and cried, cluster fed etc. I had huge issues settling him.
Turned out I wasn’t producing enough milk bless him. I always struggled expressing but thought I just didn’t have the hang of it
I ended up having to supplement it with formula, wasn’t what I had planned. I relented and gave him a bottle of formula ( drama initially as wouldn’t take it to start with) but he was so much happier afterwards and more settled.
It may be that your is in same situation. Alway worth a thought.
please see if someone can give you a hand so you get some ‘you time’ it’s very easy to lose our identities as mums. We have to have time to take care of ourselves to take care of others.
wishing you the best

Absolutely do not let your SIX WEEK old baby cry it out!! She’s a newborn baby. She needs to be with you. Have you considered a sling? She’s not being ‘clingy’. She is a tiny baby.

She’s still so tiny, mine were velcro babies at this age. No-one tells you how relentless this bit can be. I can remember my husband calling me from work when he’d returned from paternity leave. It was lunchtime, I was ravenous and I’d not even got away to have a shower let alone anything to eat.

I burst into tears and he came straight home (an hour’s commute) with food.

If you felt overwhelmed, 5 minutes didn’t do any harm. I thought it was going to be a thread about letting her cry for an hour or something!

It will get better.

My first baby was like that and the crying broke my heart, trust me you did the right thing, it wont hurt them to cry for a few minutes while you sort your head out!!!!
Once you've had more than one baby, they often have to be left to cry while you have to attend to an older one.
YOU MATTER
You love your baby and you are doing your best. Stop being so hard on yourself.
I haven't got the energy to give further advice but there has been excellent advice upthread. You will get through this.
6-8 weeks is peak crying time. Its brutal.

My youngest was like this, it was awful especially at six weeks, I remember holding him and both of us crying and crying.

What helped me was cosleeping, including at naps so I could rest, using slings so he was always close and so I could do things hands free, and getting antidepressants because I was struggling mentally. My husband would come home and take over so I could shower and have some time to myself.

It does pass, but it feels very relentless when they are tiny.

As a mother of an 18 and a 23yr old 😏 I can safely say that personally, letting them cry it out has not had any detrimental effect on my kids. Both are confident, kind, high achieving individuals..we are extremely close and my 18yr old daughter tells everyone she is my best friend and we’ve rarely had arguments even throughout the dreaded teenage years. My 23yr old son is super close to my daughter and I, even at uni he texts me daily, calls every couple of days and FaceTimes his sister regularly. I allowed both of mine to cry it out sometimes, they learnt to self soothe and would put themselves to sleep if they woke up in the middle of the night and weren’t hungry! They grew up confident, loved going on sleepovers and school trips, no separation anxiety or tears etc. And no, I didn’t breastfeed so both were on formula from day one (and for anyone about to comment on their immune system, they were rarely sick as children unlike lots of their friends who were breastfed so take from that what you will!) So letting a baby cry it out now and again is not the end of the world!

Swaddle and I resorted to a dummy which I had no regrets about! It can be so hard at the beginning so keep looking after yourself. Best of luck.

My first was like this, so first off have a massive hug because I remember how all-encompassing and lonely this is.

I think it would be worth a GP trip just to rule out silent reflix as a result of a tongue tie or CMPA.

Other than that, there are so many growth spurts and developmental leaps they go through and they're close together in the early days. The Wonder Weeks app was great for me - it didn't solve the crying but it gave me hope it would end.

With physical growth spurts come the need for more milk so do keep offering the breast, as I'm sure you know it is supply and demand, and they will increase the frequency and/or length of feeds coming up to a spurt to get you making more milk. It's pretty rare to not make enough milk and how much you can express is not an indicator of how much milk you have. Do you think your latch is ok? If it feels or seems off could you get it checked by a peer supporter or similar? If it is slightly off, baby can take in air during feeds which leads to a sore tummy.

My baby did not sleep in a sling or the pram, he screamed when put down but didn't seem to want to be held either. But if you can, leaving the house for a walk can sometimes help you feel less trapped.

I hope things settle soon for you both.

I had one of these babies, in fact 2 out of 3 of mine have been just like this. And it’s hard when people around you are doing normal things with their baby happily sitting there, putting them down for naps and getting things done or having a rest. It really really gets to you. But just know you aren’t doing anything wrong, there’s nothing wrong with your baby, just some are like this! And most people you talk to will make you feel quiet alone in this, you’ll find the odd person that gets it.
Like others have said, the only time I started to feel okay was when I accepted contact naps were all we could manage, I’ve had one never nap in a cot but managed a pram nap and we just had to work with it. Sometimes naps have felt like I’m doing crazy things just to accommodate them, plan and prepare for these naps, go toilet, grab plenty of food and drinks. Get a baby wrap and try and get them used to it.
I promise you aren’t alone, it just might sometimes feel like it.

Put the baby down and grab a bite to eat and go to the loo. 5 minutes isn't going to hurt, I promise. You have needs too and that's absolutely fine.

I have twins. If I had never left one crying for 5 minutes, the other one would constantly be in a dirty nappy and/or unfed.

Sometimes baby has to wait.