Feeling horrifically guilty for leaving my baby to cry

[ItsNotLupus]

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very very fragile today. I have a 6 week old baby who has become very very clingy in the past fortnight, having previously been what I would describe as easy (lucky me, I'd thought smugly in the first few weeks postpartum!). She will NOT settle for naps during the day. I think she's gone as long as 8 hours in a single day without sleeping at all, which just isn't healthy, though she will occasionally drop off after a feed (I'm EBF). If I succeed in getting her to sleep on the boob, the only way to guarantee she sleeps is to stay sitting still. This essentially means I can't eat, drink or go to the toilet in that time. I also can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" as I'm making sure she's safe as she sleeps on me.

The other, much bigger issue, though is that if she's awake and I'm not holding her and bouncing her round, she just cries hysterically. I went out for a coffee with friends and their babies yesterday and whilst they sat and enjoyed their coffee with their chilled babies, I literally didn't get to sit down and spent the entire occasion dancing manically around the cafe and singing to my baby whilst my drink went cold. It makes me want to not leave the house as I'm conscious of pissing people off in public with the noise if she cries. But then I'm home alone all day, and at home I can't put her on a mat or in her crib to give myself a minute to eat or use the loo. So the only two ways I can enjoy peace are to shove a nipple in her mouth or be constantly moving her round. And today I just reached the end of my tether with it. I just did not want to bounce around anymore. My legs hurt, and I have no energy for bouncing because all I've eaten today is a cereal bar 8 hours ago, before she woke up.

Long story short, after literally hours of alternating between screaming, feeding and bouncing, I put her in her crib and just left her to cry. Only for about 5 minutes, but she never stopped. It got more and more hysterical to the point it sounded like she could explode. I was advised to do this by my midwife if things ever got overwhelming; it's the first time I've done it, and it hasn't helped. I feel a million times worse than I did when I was just irritated by the incessant bouncing. I am firmly against 'cry it out' as a form of sleep training as I believe it can cause attachment issues (I come from a psychology background). Now I'm feeling awful that I've caused my baby trauma. I didn't even achieve anything by leaving her. I didn't use the time to get a drink or use the loo, I just cried as well.

I don't know if this is the onset of PND or if I'm just having a low moment after multiple days of the same situation with an irritable baby. I also don't really know what I'm looking for by posting, I guess I just wanted to vent.

Can anyone else with older babies offer any assurance that it gets better, or that I haven't now permanently damaged the bond with my baby?
Any tips for encouraging non-contact naps (she sleeps fine in her crib at night!)?
Or ideas to keep a baby chilled without constantly being on the move? FWIW I already have a mobile, a bouncer, visual stimuli cards, a play mat and a tummy time mat. They each keep her attention for a maximum of 10 minutes before the hysterics start...

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

All the evidence suggests that breast feeding is what’s best for babies and that breast fed babies sleep better than formula fed babies. So mums shouldn’t be encouraged to switch to formula to fix a sleep issue. I formula fed my baby as we couldn’t get to grips with breastfeeding and it was causing me a lot of stress - he did not sleep more than a two hour stretch for seven months.

Breastfeeding, in isolation, is better than formula. If it is making mum miserable of course taking into external factors formula feeding can be overall better. But doesn't seem to be the case here.

I breastfed exclusively, never a problem with feeding. Mine didnt sleep longer than 2 hours a go until over a year old. Largely allergy related. In my case formula would have made it worse as the worst allergy was dairy, so formula would have made my baby more sick. I was able to cut out dairy and baby went from waking every 20 mins to every 2 hours - which saved my sanity! More allergy identification later my baby sometimes sleeps 8pm - 6:30am without waking at 19 months - no sleep training at all. Now the best sleeper out of all my friends with babies same age.

A friend formula fed from day 1 and her toddler still wakes every 2 hours overnight and has split nights where is awake from midnight to 4am.

Another friend also EBF and baby wakes twice a night.

Another combi fed and has been sleeping through the night since 6 weeks old, no sleep training or anything.

Formula isn't a magical sleep fix. Some babies sleep and some don't 🤷‍♀️

In my experience, formula fed babies sleep better but overall, it's largely down to the baby and if parents are eventually willing to do sleep training when the baby is older.

Mine were formula fed from birth and slept through at 8 weeks, 6 weeks & 6 weeks.

I formula fed my first and she slept terribly until about seven months when she started sleeping through.

My second was breastfed and slept through the night since birth. At first we had to wake her for feeds, until told by GP it was fine to let her sleep through.

I don't think formula is a magic sleep fix

When mine were little (11 years ago) putting baby down in a safe place and walking away was exactly what you were told to do if you reached your limit. Because you breaking helps noone.

My top tip was singing. It started with Christmas carols because even in extremis I can remember the words. It took my brain out of the situation but also interacted with baby.

I can see a lot of discussion has emerged about sleeping and breastfeeding. For clarity, I'm not currently having any issues with night time sleeping, and I really enjoy breastfeeding (for the most part), it's not my issue. For example, last night DD went down in her crib at 10pm after her final feed of the day, and she didn't wake up until almost 3am. She had a nappy change and feed, then slept again until 6.30am. It's during the day that she's restless and will only settle if feeding, after which she sometimes falls asleep, but will only stay asleep on me - if I try to transfer to the crib or moses basket it's game over! However we don't have this problem at all at night.

Today has been a better day. I had a busy morning so she's been out in the pram and the car, and she was settled as she was being kept moving. When we got home late morning it was back to crying for a short while (I continued to hold her and ate some food, but she cried until I fed her). She's been napping on me for a couple of hours post-feed, and I've just embraced it and not moved so I can enjoy some peace.

I haven’t RTFT but I have read your posts OP. I have an 8 week old DS who is a bit of a Velcro baby so I had to respond!

Firstly, you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s completely normal for babies to want to be with/on you all the time. I joke with my DH that DS is a fantastic result of evolution - he’d never have been forgotten by the cave women & left behind. His instincts to have his needs met are strong!

The best thing that I’ve found is a breastfeeding pillow, do you have one? DS will often fall asleep at the breast on the pillow and it allows me to be handsfree (which helps with entertaining my toddler). Once DS falls asleep, I can move him on the pillow to the sofa and he will stay asleep. If I try to put him in his moses he wakes up, but I think he feels like he’s still being snuggled in the pillow. It’s not safe to leave them unattended like that, but it does free me up to move around the room.

I never bothered with a BF pillow with DD, but it really has been a game changer.

The other thing that seems to work is putting him in his cot for naps. He sleeps in a Love to Dream sleep sack with white noise etc at night. If he’s struggling to stay asleep downstairs I’ll take him up and put him in his sack, in his cot. He’s used to it as he sleeps well in there at night. It also stops him being disturbed by DD. I have a video monitor so I can keep my eye on him.

The only other thing I can think of is loop earplugs. I’ve never used them but have heard they’re good at dulling the noise but not cancelling it completely. When my DD would cry constantly I felt totally overwhelmed and it often ended in tears of my own. For some reason, I don’t seem to suffer the same with DS’s cries but I think blocking the noise out a bit would help.

It will improve with time I promise!

I’m at 7 months now and I can confirm it does get easier
you may just have a clingy baby.
its so overwhelming when It feels like everyone else is having a normal life and you got the crier. Keep going out for those coffees the more you do it the more your baby will be used to the noisy environments
its completely fine to feed to sleep we still do here! If it keeps them clam and happy and therefor makes you calmer because your to dealing with the crying then thats ALL that natters
tour baby is still so little that’s they’re just adjusting to the world.
tou do need to eat though especially if your breast feeding or it will effect your milk and then your going to get more stressed.
the napping may be from them getting over tired try seeing if they will boobie to sleep every hour or so. Then set them down in basket where you can just get them again while you grab some toast or cereal or something wuick. Porridge is a great quick and warm one to have.
PPD is also very real and your hormones are still adjusting. Especially with being tired from BF too. Get lots of liquids, eat some food. Try out Abby down sooner for more naps or spend abit longer trying to get them to sleep and set them down as soon as they are, if they cry start the process again can never have too much breast milk. You got this mama your doing an amazing job you keep up the good work. It gets easier, you will sleep again. The crying will lessen. Sending love

Or in the car- my LO often cries for 10/15 mins in the car and often I do stop and try and settle but it doesn't always work. Otherwise we'd never leave the house and sometimes I need to take her brother to a dentist appointment for example or just pop into town!

Oh bless you, it’s tough, but it really is worth it! Hang in there!
Every baby is different, but a couple of things that worked for “me” and my own babies. (Different things worked for different babies)

1. wearing a carrier, make sure it fits well, but it makes it easier to hold them for longer
2. when BF, stroke the sole of their foot, they associate the touch with the comfort of BF, and you can use it to calm them down when you can’t just latch them on. Will seriously save your nipples, trust me 😂
3. listen to the same music/ white noise, while BF - see above
4. BF them, while they are on their mattress, so they don’t feel a sudden change in temperature/ sensation when you try to move them.
5. use your own worn t-shirt as a “base sheet” in their crib (make sure it’s fitted tightly), to carry your scent.
6. breathe, it will pass (all too quickly)
7. don’t be afraid to ask for help. Either with giving you a break from your baby, even while you drink that cup of coffee; or with the dishes and laundry.
8. look after YOU. YOU need to eat properly, and sleep when you can.

Finally, congratulations!

Glad u are feeling better.
Few more comments from me- dont worry if you can't get along with the sling, i really wanted to but never could and ended up giving it away.
Same re dummies. I tried, but my babies never took to one.
As for all the toys and things, 6 weeks is too young for that they aren't interested, they just want cuddles at this age.
A good (Safe) bouncy chair is invaluable though.
As is music & white noise. Play the same song (something you can tolerate 10, 0000 times) and play it when you BF so they build that association and it will soothe them at other times.
Also re the crying, trust me it sounds a million times louder to you than to anyone else.
You're doing amazing
And 5 minutes is NOT crying it out fgs!!!!!!

So many great comments here you probably don’t need another. I also have a background in developmental psychology and neuropsychology and recently became a mum. The burden of knowledge is real! I think it was an episode of Scrubs that talked about medical Drs with kids being paranoid when their kids get sick because “they know how bad it can get and how quickly.” The same sort of applies here! It’s easy to worry about attachment, the infant mother dyad, critical windows etc. when you’ve read the literature and are now remembering it through sleep deprived eyes! It helped me to remember to zoom out… a new human’s emotional and physiological development isn’t determined by a single moment or even 10 moments! It’s a consistent pattern over many years, interacting with a unique nexus of environmental and social factors beginning within the womb. Your newborn’s psychological health will blossom through all of the countless moments you ARE there for them, attending to their needs and demonstrating warmth and love.

Im not advocating “good enough” parenting but remember your newborn doesn’t expect you to be perfect. Human infants are robust. A certain degree of “mild peril” (oh no I’m on my own) is built in or we wouldn’t function as a species. You didn’t leave your newborn for an hour uncared for. You sound like a very loving and responsive parent.

Also, your newborn is very normal in signalling for your comfort. Safety in their mind is WITH YOU, not lying anywhere else, and going out and about at this early postpartum stage is quite a modern expectation. We might prize individuality and self-sufficiency in our culture but it’s not on the newborn agenda. Wochenbett, as the Germans call it, is a time for easing that transition for baby from womb to world. It’s a time for recovery and connection.

On a more practical note, my DS was very tricky at the 6-12 week mark as he had some sort of reflux issue that meant pain after every feed and especially when being flat on his back. I dealt with that best I could through side lying breastfeeding, infacol, baby wearing (couldn’t get into the slings but Baby Björn do a great newborn safe carrier) and… grandma! She was a godsend during the day, taking him so I could eat. If you have ANYONE like this in your life, use them. Don’t try and do it alone. Other people might like to make out they’re managing it all totally alone (because they think everyone else is!) but I very much doubt many truly are. It takes a village. A newborn doesn’t just slot unseen into your previous life.

Sending very best to you. You’re doing amazing and this will soon ease. Childbirth might have been hard but it’s nothing compared to the trials of the postpartum period. This is the true time where we show our devotion to our babies and the strength of our love! But that doesn’t mean being superhuman xxx

It 100% is not. I know far more people who were driven to to the brink of insanity by being forced to breastfeed than enjoyed the experience. If it doesn't work for you then it's utterly pointless. Nobody gives a toss after a child is 1 whether they were breastfed or not, why stress about it.

tbh all I can advise is whilst she’s still so young and not aware of tv, for a few weeks find a good programme you can binge watch, rest and enjoyment for you with snacks and drinks at hand!. Think of it as cosy time for you both and not having to entertain her as much as you’ll need to when she’s turns into a toddler. This is what I did with my EBF baby. She did nap during the day but night times have always been a nightmare. Try to carry her in a sling during the daytime if you want to go for a walk/ coffee etc, or make a cup of tea/ food for yourself. Anything to get you through. Xxx

Have you tried to give her a dummy? They truly help with settling babies.

Some babies are more high needs than others. I think it honestly helps to remember that all babies are individuals and it’s not all about how you are as a mother. Start thinking that way now if you can as honestly it can impact your mental health so much.

Honestly? Infant sleep is shit. Most babies want to cosleep so its up to you whether you do that or not. I totally understand you being against cry it out but as you know, keeping yoruself sane is also incredibly important. Putting her down for a moment whilst you sort yourself out wont hurt her.

Deep breaths - every phase shall pass. And try really hard not to overanalyse everything. As someone who is also from a Pschology background it’s very easily done.

And at 6 weeks old - put your feet up and watch tv. Get DH to bring you food when he’s around.