What do you do when sleep training doesn’t work? 6 month old cries for more than an hour… I am so desperate. Please help.

[IJustNeedToSleep]

Hi everyone,

Our little boy has never been a good sleeper - he would only sleep on us or in the car. I co slept for a few months but it was unsustainable.

We started doing gentle sleep training (pick up put down and shush pat) when he was 6 months. We did get to a place where we can now get him down in his cot, but after 3 weeks, we’re going backwards - he is waking more through the night and the soothing doesn’t work to get him down anymore.

We have now tried controlled crying but he literally does not stop crying. We go in at different intervals and put a hand on him and say our little phrase but he never ever gets to a point where he actually stops crying. He goes over an hour every single time.

Everything I’ve read says if it goes on for over an hour, you should offer some more comfort, and tweak your approach, but I don’t understand how to be this flexible but also be consistent. It seems completely contradictory.

My mental health is really bad. I’m crying all the time. I feel like I want to scream and run away.

I dont know what to do. What the hell do you turn next if leaving your child to cry doesn’t even work?

The only way I can get him down now is to do the CC for almost an hour and then do deep pressure hand strokes on him and he eventually stays asleep.

I am beyond exhausted and desperate to not feel like this any more.

If anyone has any tips or advice, I would be very appreciative.

Thank you

Does he have any pain? My daughter had trouble sleeping and it was pain related and caused a lot of screaming x

I'd say that sleep training isn't working. Personally I'd go in and cuddle him after fully calm him every time. And yes I did have 2 babies who didn't sleep well but I would never leave them to cry for an hour, I think it's too long and your baby's way of telling you that this isn't right for them.

You respond to him and pick him up. An hour is a really really long time to allow a baby to cry.

Co sleep.
you will both sleep better.

it must be really hard and affecting your mental health to hear a distressed baby crying for so long each night.

You cannot train a baby to sleep like an adult. Sleep is a developmental process. Your baby is just 6 months: do not let him cry, please. He cries because he needs you, he is communicating through crying. Babies are not supposed to be left crying, it causes neurological damage (you can read Erica Komisar "Being there" or any work by developmental psychologists).

So you're sitting there for an hour patting him or you pat for a bit then go then come back and pay repeat for an hour in total but he never stops crying?

What would make your mental health better? To persevere or to pick him up and cuddle him? Does the deep hand stroking not work earlier?

Personally I'm with the others. This isn't working and having him cry for an hour at a time isn't helping anyone

Why was cosleeping unsustainable?

Please pick your baby up and don't leave him to cry, especially not for an hour, it's so damaging to them and their development. Crying is communication, and sleep training is not evidence based. Please just comfort your baby.

Sometimes sleep training doesn't work , it didn't work for my son. Even the gentlest approach left him inconsolable for hours after and he almost threw up. I stopped and gave him what he needed , which was my time and patience.

My advice is to look for other causes and get rest when you can. I know that's not easy if you are returning to work or have other responsibilities. Is he in pain with teething , or unwell?

I'm sorry op. It's so hard.

Poor baby. He's getting traumatised by the sleep 'training' I.e. being left alone to cry for hours. How can you do this to your precious child?

Why is cosleeping unsustainable? Most of the world does it.

Agree with this. Sleep is developmental, he will sleep through when he is ready and before then there will be plenty of ups and downs but letting him cry for that long will not be helping

If your baby is crying for an hour a day, just calculate for a second the impact that amount of crying will be having on his brain. It's a HUGE percentage of his life spent crying. You pick him up, sing to him, cuddle him to sleep, etc, you find what works for you, or you cosleep, but you don't leave your baby to cry for an hour. Come on. It's awful.

I'm not leaving him to cry for an hour - I'm going in all the time and reassuring him.

Co sleeping was unsustainable because he would wake every hour and nurse and I was just not getting any sleep.

I don't think he is in any pain as he's a really happy, smiley baby in the day time.

A lot of you said just give him what he wants - but if that's to sleep on me, how do I do this and also sleep myself?

Dd1 woke up several times a night for well over a year so I know how awful lack of sleep with. Your baby has no sense of time though, he doesn't understand that what he needs to do is stop crying and close his eyes, all he knows is he is crying for a very long time and you aren't coming to help him.

He may be teething, he might be getting ill, he can't tell you so you have to respond to his crying by picking up and comforting him. It is so hard but with some babies learning sleep is a long process.

@IJustNeedToSleep do you have a partner?

Please don't say I'm awful...

I am in a desperate situation and I am looking for help.

What happens if you rock or sing him to sleep, cuddle him and walk around with him etc? Most of my friends who don't cosleep do that. I hardly know anyone who just leaves them to cry these days tbh.

And yeah just patting them while they are in a cot is still effectively leaving them to cry.

Yes - and he's supportive and he used to be able to get him to sleep, but he's now unable... so the only person who can get him to sleep is me

I was doing that for months - he would stay asleep if I rocked him and then sat down so he slept on me. If I tried to put him down he would wake straight back up

I’m not sure that any of the above responses are helpful to a relatively new mum who is clearly struggling and has reached out for help.

OP, there are really mixed opinions on sleep training. As you’ve seen above, some people feel really strongly about it, others swear by it.

I think so much of whether sleep training works, however that is done, depends on the child themselves. I think your little one is saying that this method isn’t working for him. There are lots of Instagram pages relating to sleep, and I’d bet there’s some local sleep consultants near you who might be able to help if sleep training is the route you want to go down.

Is there a way you think co-sleeping could be made more sustainable if that’s the route you’d rather take? There’s also lots of resources online around this, namely the lullaby trust for safer sleep guidance.

Sleep deprivation is really hard, I hope you get some helpful responses and please don’t feel bad for having tried well publicised methods of getting your baby to sleep.

@IJustNeedToSleep then he needs to keep trying. It's really the only way. He can also take him out for walks and you can sleep.

How are your baby's naps? Are they long enough for you to get some sleep? Will your baby nap in a vibrating bouncy chair or similar?

In our case, my health visitor said wait til a bit older. Have you tried co sleeping? With both ours we co slept til 7 or 8 months then introduced them to their own room, bedtime routine and finally sleep trained. Sounds like you need to reset and try again in a few weeks/couple of months.

Going in and reassuring. Him means absolutely nothing to a baby which you can tell because if he's still crying then he's not in any way reassured or comforted. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to understand that you cannot do this to your baby.

I coslept with both of mine and that's just what you do. You let them sleep on you because they are biologically hardwired to want to be close to you and that's where they feel safe.
What specifically have you found difficult with co sleeping that we can help you with?

They do go through periods of wanting to feed frequently but if you do co sleeping right you will be able to do that without even really waking up yourself and you'll be able to go back to sleep during feedings so you will get as much sleep as possible.