What do you do when sleep training doesn’t work? 6 month old cries for more than an hour… I am so desperate. Please help.

[IJustNeedToSleep]

Hi everyone,

Our little boy has never been a good sleeper - he would only sleep on us or in the car. I co slept for a few months but it was unsustainable.

We started doing gentle sleep training (pick up put down and shush pat) when he was 6 months. We did get to a place where we can now get him down in his cot, but after 3 weeks, we’re going backwards - he is waking more through the night and the soothing doesn’t work to get him down anymore.

We have now tried controlled crying but he literally does not stop crying. We go in at different intervals and put a hand on him and say our little phrase but he never ever gets to a point where he actually stops crying. He goes over an hour every single time.

Everything I’ve read says if it goes on for over an hour, you should offer some more comfort, and tweak your approach, but I don’t understand how to be this flexible but also be consistent. It seems completely contradictory.

My mental health is really bad. I’m crying all the time. I feel like I want to scream and run away.

I dont know what to do. What the hell do you turn next if leaving your child to cry doesn’t even work?

The only way I can get him down now is to do the CC for almost an hour and then do deep pressure hand strokes on him and he eventually stays asleep.

I am beyond exhausted and desperate to not feel like this any more.

If anyone has any tips or advice, I would be very appreciative.

Thank you

Ds’s sleep was very similar to yours. Would only nap on me and not for long. We cracked his naps when I went back to work at 7 months and DH got him to nap in the cot. He was soon doing two hours. Not sure what dh did but wasn’t lots of crying. Just the fact I wasn’t there I think. However night time was different and I co slept. He woke a lot (hourly) to feed but I learnt to sleep whilst he was feeding. What I wanted to say was once he was nine months and could roll over in his sleeping bag he
slept on his tummy with his legs tucked under him. He then slept a lot better (although still woke and came in with me after a few hours). I have always thought that if I’d ignored advice and put him down on his tummy as a baby he’d probably have slept much better. Now he’s seven months maybe you’d feel comfortable enough to try putting him on his tummy now and see if it helps? Also DS could already roll but not in his sleeping bag until nine months. Maybe sleeping bags aren’t helpful for good sleep

First off, you have my sympathy. It is incredibly hard. The noise can be so over stimulating and stressful.

My daughter is 3.5 and I've been through this.

I would say that six months is still very young to try and sleep train, I had to rock my daughter to sleep, feed her a bottle to soothe her. It was hard going but often these are phases they go through. It feels like forever when you're in it. At 7 months is distinctly remember two weeks straight where she wouldn't sleep unless on me. I had to sleep upright in bed supported by pillows. I never really slept properly and it was dreadful. It did pass though. Until the next time.

Co sleeping saved me. The goal was sleep and when I co slept I got it.

When she got to 18 months, she was messing about in bed. Didn't settle. Co sleeping wasn't working and it drove me nuts. We did a gradual retreat method. We never left her alone and took it at her pace. I was always within view, offering reassurance. She was safe, warm, dry and not unwell. That is the important bit to make sure of. When she was comfortable with me just sitting next to her cot, I moved to the doorway and then to the hallway etc. It worked for a while but I was never really able to leave her sight until she fell asleep, it stopped the crying though and made bed times calmer. Eventually we grew tired of sitting on the floor, uncomfortable, we got her a low double bed and would lay with her until she went to sleep. Far better!!!

Only now at 3.5 years has she finally got to a point where we can kiss goodnight and leave the room. more often than not she climbs into our bed early hours.

I promise it won't be forever. If you can, take it in turns with your partner. Step away if it's too hard to cope with but do comfort the baby if they're distressed. Don't worry about making a rod for your own back, they get there in their own time I believe. Some are great sleepers and some (like mine) are just damn awful!!!!

I did sleep training when my child was 8 months because I was exhausted and co-sleeping this time was stressful as I was scared of SIDS. The first days were awful and then after the 4th day he slept!
I read Ferbers book first and adapted it for me. So I would go in every minute the first day, then 2 minutes and 3 minutes. I had to have husband hold my hand as I was so frazzled by it. I never let them cry alone. The longest was 3 minutes- I couldn’t do 5 minutes. But I was in and out like a jack in the box.
I also could tell that my baby was cross with me because they needed to be held by me to go to sleep and I wasn’t doing that and they was tired and wanted to sleep and to them I being mean by not doing what they wanted and helping them go to sleep. They weren’t distressed as in pain, lonely but more angry. I could see the difference.
You know your baby. If their nappy is clean, they are fed, warm, not hot a fever or unwell in anny way and you’re coming in and checking and making sure they are safe. I didn’t stay long, I’d pat, not picking them up
Because I couldn’t put bear to them back down and we’d be clinging to each other. (When I did that it took days longer for him to settle to sleep and this felt meaner- this was when I had to repeat it though after illness and disruptions.)
The thing is if baby goes to sleep on you, rocking or whatever, when it stops he wakes up and needs it again to resettle. They have to learn they can do it themselves and some do it faster than others.

I don't make sleeping babies, so feel your pain and desperation.

Poor DS wasn't a sleeper and also had awful eczema and reflux, so even when he managed to fall asleep, it never lasted long.

He would so predictably wake up after his 45 minute sleep cycle that I'd always jolt awake a few seconds before him.

The longest stretch he'd ever done by 18 months of age was 4 hours, and that was a one off.

I tried sleep training one night but he was utterly inconsolable and threw up all over the bed. It wasn't for us.

Thankfully, he slept through from 2 without me doing anything and is now a wonderful sleeper.

All that to say, you have my sympathy.

What helped me was

• Co-sleeping and wearing a pull down t-shirt so I could try and sleep through the never ending night time breastfeeds

• Napping whenever anyone would take him during the day

• Lowering expectations when it came to things like housework and socialising

Is he bf? I always just fed my baby for a bit when she was crying in the night at 6 months. Sometimes she was up every 40 mins. It is rough and it is tiring but it doesn't last forever.

I don't think it's ever as easy as shh pat for a lot of people. Babies just want to he held.

Another thing to consider is that as soon as baby has fed at night and husband can take over then you go to sleep - say at 7pm and then you will be more able to wake for night feedings.

It is just a very tough time. My little one is nearly 9 months and she is back to sleeping for 7 hours at night.

If babies are crying, my experience is that they won't really settle unless you hold them etc

Hey OP

My Velcro baby loved cosleeping w me and was EBF too, I learned how to nurse lying on my side. No more sitting up and being awake for the duration of the feed!

game changer!! look into it if you can

Sending good vibes and wishing you luck, you're doing great!

OP I’ve been there. Do NOT listen to judgey mumsnet holier-than-thou-ers who are NOT walking in your shoes when they call you names or tell you you’re traumatising your child. You know what also traumatises your kid - you dying in a car crash because you’re so sleep deprived, or literally losing your mind because you’re so exhausted! You’ve got to do what you have got to do to survive and if that means a cry it out method (I know you’ve gone for a softer approach!) then you’ll get no judgment from me.
I found an app called wonderweeks helpful. Sometimes there are sleep regressions because your baby is going through a developmental leap. It’s nothing to do with you, it’s just a time to hunker down and wait it out. You could take it in turns with your DP to try(!) and settle baby so each of you is getting at least 4 or 5 solid hours?
we found the Ferber approach worked best but for the first few weeks it often took an hour and a half for him to settle. We realised it’s just his pattern. When I say he literally would not settle to sleep (and cried day and night from exhaustion!) if we didn’t do this, I’m not exaggerating!
Honestly it is just brutal and I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. You are not alone.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Some people have no idea the effects sleep deprivation has on others and on baby too.

I am a midwife, night nurse and sleep consultant. Sleep training is not for everyone but it does work when done correctly. I know because I have huge experience in the area, I also do it face to face and always follow up with my families in the months/years following.

People assume co-sleeping is the answer to everything (and sometimes it is) but a lot of babies will not co-sleep comfortably and I mean comfortably for baby or parent. My own son was a good sleeper initially but developed a reliance on being in my arms but only when I was standing!! Wouldn't co-sleep, wouldn't even let me sit down and hold him!

When sleep training is not done correctly or consistently it won't work. The baby also has to be in a good daytime routine to even start on the sleep training.

I'm not sure how to PM but if you want you can PM me for advice.

Otherwise, I know baby only sleeps on you for naps but what is his daytime routine? How many naps? What times? What time is bedtime? Unless these are all in place first (doesn't matter if he is asleep on you but once he gets the naps.

Also feed times need to be in place during the day. Often with babies who feed regularly overnight, the feeds end up reversing so they end up feeding more overnight than during the day. So that needs to be worked on before sleep training too x

Oh god OP so sorry for all the judgemental comments. Just because some people wouldn't sleep train doesn't mean you can't! Maybe this method isn't for you, we did gradual retreat with my first child and she went from up every hour to sleeping through in ten days with no tears. Could you consider another option? Sometimes with controlled crying the action of going back in can make it worse for baby, it can sometimes be a case of finding the method that works for them and their temperament

6-8 months was terrible for us, no idea whether it was connected to weaning or something else...

We alternated - one person had the baby asleep on them, the other got up to 3 hours uninterrupted sleep, then swap.

It got better. We still cosleep at 3.5 but finished breastfeeding at 1.5 and DC pretty much slept through the night since 1.

I will never understand people being keen to sleep train other people's babies - plenty of them on this thread...

I could not agree mores. That poor baby.

Stop trying to sleep train a young baby. He will sleep through when he does. I get it’s hard (I’ve been there!) but this is your choice not his/. He isn’t responding and crying for at least an hour. Babies cry to communicate that they need something and you are ignoring what he needs.

It's a support forum, this is a mum asking for advice and people are giving their support, opinions (and judgement!).

Same as if a woman asked how to wean or advice on feeding

Have you tried cranial osteopathy? Can be magic for babies sleep.
definitely co sleep if you can, the frequent nursing can be teething , growth spurt etc but it suddenly changes into only nursing once or twice a night. My baby is snoring next to me now whilst I’m awake 😂 now you can start weaning that often helps them do longer stretches too. If baby is crying a long time it must be raising their cortisol too which probably isn’t letting them get into a deep sleep. 30/40 min naps in the day aren’t a bad stretch , that’s all my baby does most days.
just do what comes naturally, you’re not creating bad habits by picking him up and soothing, they will get there with sleep it just takes time and they’re still very fresh into the world xx

And you get the dad, a friend, a baby sitter to take the baby out during the day for a big sleep walk in the pram for two to three hours so you can have an uninterrupted nap during the day.

Is he hungry? At this age, I gave my son formula before bed and some baby rice. He wouldn’t use a bottle so I tried different cups with valves until I found one he would use. It really did the trick on sleep so could be worth a go. Good luck. Sleep deprivation is torture.

Do you have enough money to get a night nurse for 2 nights? We hit rock bottom at 8 months, did that and just having two nights of uninterrupted sleep changed everything for us. She also gently sleep trained and corrected things we were doing wrong, the placement, volume, sound of the white noise machine etc. it wasn’t cheap, but it was the best money I’ve ever spent.

edited to add if you don’t want sleep training they will literally just hold your baby while you sleep, and note routine items that might help. It made a world of difference to us.

I'd co-sleep in the safest way I could.

If basics are covered, plenty of solids and a warm room then the next cause might be if you are still feeding throughout the night.

What helped me was a gradual night weaning following Ferber’s method.

Oh yes, my husband remembers being sent out with the pram and being told not to come back for 3 hours! Then I could sleep deeply and catch up.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so SO much for all the tips and ideas. I can’t reply to everyone individually, but please know I’ve read every single comment and all the kind ones have been incredibly helpful. I was in a painful place yesterday and you really helped me so I’m hugely grateful.

I also just wanted to clarify a few things for the people who have said I’m an awful mother and have said I’m traumatising my baby.

• My baby is now 2 days away from being 7 months old and for those 7 months almost every single nap has been a contact nap - in my arms or in the carrier. I have responded within seconds every time he cried and I have showered him in love - he is incredibly loved
• I co slept for months and I tried gentle sleep training at first when he was 6.5 months old, where I was with him the whole time, cuddling, stroking and soothing but his sleep has never been good and after almost 7 months of extreme sleep deprivation (some nights I literally didn’t sleep for more than an hour), I tried an alternative solution
• I tried the controlled crying (not CIO) for 2 nights in total and within those 2 nights, there were only 2 times that he cried for an hour
• I am also still feeding him at least twice through the night
• For everyone who said I’m awful for trying something like this, you are completely disregarding the debilitating effects that sleep deprivation can have on a mother’s mental health - I tried this as a way to help everyone get better sleep, so I can be a great mother to both my boys. They will have a much worse time if I have an actual breakdown
• I have already been on a difficult and painful 4 year journey of infertility and miscarriage to get to where I am - with my beautiful baby boy, and I’m already wracked with guilt that I’m finding it so hard. So please, before anyone else writes anything horrible, please think about it how it would actually be nicer to be kind, rather than hurl guilt and judgement

Thanks x

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and ignore the people being judgey and smug and awful. I have been where you are and remember having an awful conversation with my cousin who had a baby that slept who said the words 'well I think my DC sleeps through because we're just such relaxed parents. Have you tried just being a bit more chill about it?' I don't know if anything has made me angrier in my life!

Sleep training is a wonder when it works and of course children have to 'learn' to sleep - they have to 'learn' nearly everything! Even how to eat ...

The one thing I'd say from your description ... If you're going in during the hour then that might be 're-setting' them, and confusing them that you keep coming in and not touching them.

None of the 'gentle' methods worked for either of my children for this reason. When I decided to try CIO I had one truly awful, really awful night where I let them cry and from the next night they both slept. They both cried for over an hour that first night ...

They are both very happy healthy children now.

Just came to say we sleep trained our baby and coming in to do check ins didn't work. Actually letting him to cry it out meant he fell asleep within 25 minutes. And he's never cried more than 10 minutes since (usually whines for 1 or 2 minutes). We also had to sleep train for naps at the same time.

We had tried gentle methods too, being in the room, put up put down but it was massively overstimulating him and making him really upset.

Putting him down and letting him to settle himself worked best. Maybe I'm an awful mum, but I have a very happy baby now. Mumsnet is full of women who cosleep and don't sleep properly for years and think that's ok. In real.life, almost everyone I know has sleep trained.

OP, please don't buy into all this "they need to learn to sleep and I am doing a CIO to help them learn" nonsense.

If you need to sleep train because it is unmanageable and you are struggling, that is different. But sleep training is not beneficial for babies.

They will learn when the time is right for them, might not be at 6 months (it is extremely rare for a baby to sleep through the night at this stage) but you don't need to leave your child to cry for them to learn anything.