What do you do when sleep training doesn’t work? 6 month old cries for more than an hour… I am so desperate. Please help.

[IJustNeedToSleep]

Hi everyone,

Our little boy has never been a good sleeper - he would only sleep on us or in the car. I co slept for a few months but it was unsustainable.

We started doing gentle sleep training (pick up put down and shush pat) when he was 6 months. We did get to a place where we can now get him down in his cot, but after 3 weeks, we’re going backwards - he is waking more through the night and the soothing doesn’t work to get him down anymore.

We have now tried controlled crying but he literally does not stop crying. We go in at different intervals and put a hand on him and say our little phrase but he never ever gets to a point where he actually stops crying. He goes over an hour every single time.

Everything I’ve read says if it goes on for over an hour, you should offer some more comfort, and tweak your approach, but I don’t understand how to be this flexible but also be consistent. It seems completely contradictory.

My mental health is really bad. I’m crying all the time. I feel like I want to scream and run away.

I dont know what to do. What the hell do you turn next if leaving your child to cry doesn’t even work?

The only way I can get him down now is to do the CC for almost an hour and then do deep pressure hand strokes on him and he eventually stays asleep.

I am beyond exhausted and desperate to not feel like this any more.

If anyone has any tips or advice, I would be very appreciative.

Thank you

Pull out the big guns and get a baby sitter for a few mornings to catch up on sleep?

You sound like you’re really trying. So you deserve to sleep to!

I gave up and co slept until he grew out of it. A screaming baby was not something I wanted to endure personally

If you can try and express enough for a bottle every evening and try to get ds used to taking a bottle, or a sippy cup. Then your DH can feed and settle and you can go to sleep. Later in the night I would bring him in with you when he wakes up. Also although he is only 6 months have you thought about baby rice or rusks? Probably frowned on now but some babies get really hungry at this age and need to start weaning a little early.

You have my sympathies, my DD was a terrible sleeper and BF. I co slept for a long time and BF until 18 months, but she would take a night time bottle and I did wean early.

"EBF - cosleeping is the only way I could make it work. Eventually you learn a position that causes you to stir minimally and baby can latch on off easily esp at 6 months. This gets you the most sleep."

This is what worked for me, too with my EBF babies. Trial and error got me there with DD1, and so when DD2 was born I slept with her from the start in the 'nursery'. By ten months she didn't need me all night any more, so I moved her to her cot and went back to my own bed. It was much more painless than with DD1, as I hadn't realised then that many small babies need that security and warmth of your body next to theirs to sleep well, and kept trying to put her down in her lovely cot at night, whereupon she would inevitably wake and cry for me.

You say 'co-sleeping was unsustainable', OP, but it doesn't need to be sustained for long, maybe just a few more months. Would you consider giving it another try? I can't help but feel you and the baby would get a lot more sleep that way?

Readjust your expectations. Our 15 month old still takes 45 minutes cuddling and rocking to get to sleep on average and wakes once or twice a night (goes back to sleep in 10-15 minutes)

I co sleep with her whilst DH sleeps in her bed (low "toddler" bed frame but single mattress size)
I work part time so sometimes go to bed earlier on work evenings, or on my days off sometimes nap when she does in the day, or will have a lie in on Sundays if I'm tired.
Ours was an awful sleeper as a younger baby but improved once she started crawling a bit too with less frequent wake ups.

Agree with others that are saying that your baby is so, so young. Please don't leave them to cry for an hour. They've only been in this world a matter of months and all they want is the comfort of their caregiver.

I get that it's hard; I really do. I ended up cosleeping with both my children before this age because it was the only thing that saved my sanity. Babies are hard wired to want to be close to their parents: it's an innate survival instinct. If you look up how to cosleep safely (it's not hard) I promise your baby will sleep and you'll sleep more too and things will feel less desperate. If for whatever reason I was 100% against cosleeping then I'd cuddle / feed baby as needed to get them to sleep or back to sleep, every time.

Join the Facebook group 'beyond sleep training' for sleep support that doesn't involve sleep training.

Sleep training didn't work for us.... we lie down next to the cot holding her hand and it settles her- get a blanket and make it comfy (as much as you can) and just doze off with her (I especially do this for her nap) and catch up on some zzzz's!

We might have made a rod for our own back here but it's 100 times better than it was!!

Sorry you're struggling op. When I was in this situation I stopped breastfeeding, which was only 'successful' due to getting a stomach bug which dried my milk up. Previously refused 7 different bottles types. Munchkin latch by boots was what worked in the end. I then did cry it out. Controlled crying with intervals and keep going in seemed to just draw things out and didn't work. The first night she cried for over an hour. Then the next night it was 20 mins. The third night she's slept through. I won't lie in hindsight I do feel like how did I do that. But I also still don't know what else I could have done. She's 10 now, and doesn't seem irretrievably scarred! I would also recommend sleep consultants, I used one for my second child.

I know you said that cosleeping leads to baby wanting to feed regularly, but that's what young babies do! It's perfectly normal for them to feed frequently overnight.

Also I saw your comment about wanting your baby to get the sleep they need: they will be if you co sleep or respond to their wakes overnight. Frequent waking does not mean they're not getting quality sleep; it's just what babies of this age do! It's not a problem that needs fixing other than finding a way you can cope with it best. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy - there's a reason new parents talk about sleep deprivation! - but finding a way you can cope with it as best you can. And as you've seen, for many it's cosleeping. If you can feed lying down, many cosleeping mums find that they are able to feed baby throughout the night without really waking themselves.

Is he hungry? You have not mentioned that you are giving him a feed when he wakes

I agree it’s torture but it will pass

Those little crib things that are an extension of your bed are great though

my eldest screamed even when held or rocked - slept about 8 hours of 24 for months - I was haggard, ragged and could barely think. You can imagine the rest.

looking back there was probably a milk intolerance but I was clueless and mostly suffered in silence thinking it was colic!

Is he waking up cold OP? I know you shouldn’t put too many covers on, but maybe try a little oil fired radiator in his room, just to keep the air “soft”.

Co-sleeping is your answer and it's completely normal for a young baby to wake often for feeds through the night. My baby was exactly the same, now she's about to turn 1 and she only suckles for comfort a couple of times through the night.

Sleep training and crying it out are totally unnatural for babies, developmentally and physically. Once your baby starts to cry their cortisol levels (stress hormone) begin to rise making it almost impossible for them to self sooth, this in turn makes the mothers cortisol rise leaving you both stressed and irritable. Co-sleeping might not give you the best quality of sleep for now but it's better than nothing and the constant night feeds will eventually pass. Stay strong, I'm sure you're an amazing mama!

Hey OP. Hope you're ok. I got to the point with my bad sleeper that I ended up on anti-anxiety medication due to the sleep deprivation. It was awful, talk about rock bottom!
I'm going to recommend trying the Sleep Sense program with Dana Obleman. I would also suggest maybe giving it a few months before you try again. I think you'll have more luck around 9-11 month mark. Hold on in there - it will get better. Sending love x x x

Mine didn't sleep more than 2 hours a time for first year. After we found the milk allergy at 4 months was a happy baby. But in the night baby would wake every 1-2 hours inconsolable, arching back, only settled by boob.

I knew something was wrong. I didn't sleep train because I could tell it was pain. He had gas and silent reflux, like when you wake with reflux and drink water to wash the acid back down and soothe your throat.

Eventually found baby had more allergies, mild enough not to be obvious to me but enough to cause problems. I cut those out of both our diets at 12 months and suddenly was sleeping 4 hours.

How sure are you that there is nothing underlying?

Have you tried dummies?

Op I was you and co sleeping is absolutely not for everyone, in fact it made dds sleep even worse.

I would keep going op, keep to a routine, lots of milk and cuddles at bedtime, relaxing music or white noise, quietly leave.

It would be worth checking for things like teeth coming through as well.

Ignore the unkind perfect parent posters 🙄

Absolute rubbish, that was luck and your smugness is nauseating.

Have you tried a dummy?

An hour is far too long! That’s cruelty.

Hi OP look up BASIS sleep, it give factual information about infant sleep and information on studies in to sleep training.

My little one will only contact nap and cosleeps and wakes up more than any child I know so just to say solidarity it’s so so hard.

I don’t have anything useful to suggest I’m afraid but I just wanted to say that it won’t be like this for long. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but everything is a phase and it will pass. I’m sorry you’re struggling and I’m sorry some knobs on here have made you feel worse. Sleep deprivation is torturous, I feel your pain x

A relative of mine was similar and turned out baby had lactose intolerance, was fine during day but seemed to affect them at night specifically, was like night and day once they went lactose free. Worth a try!

Oh mate. Been there and got the t shirt.

You need 3 things.

Help. 2 hours on a Wednesday isn't cutting it. You need some decent sleep. You cannot tackle this while you're in this state. Stay at your mom's. Your sisters. Brothers. Best mates. Whatever you do, however you get you need sleep. And when things are like this, it actually doesn't matter who you put out.

1. You need to reset. The baby is doing what babies do. If you have a high needs/non sleeper it kind of doesn't matter what you do. They're gonna do what they do. So, knowing that and with some sleep under your belt, you need to surrender. He will sleep better. It may take one month, 3 months, 12 months, 6 years. That's the truth of it. Face it. Then you can do

1. A plan. In the short term you top up your sleep and surrender. But you need a workable plan for the next however long. Whether that's you and your dh taking turns, your mil taking the baby for 6 hours, you sleeping at your mom's every Saturday.whatever gets you through. But you need to know that plan is there otherwise you can't surrender.

This bit is shit. It spoils the lovely times and the loveliness. It will change. It will get better. It's not your fault.

I have been in your situation and it is soul destroying. First of all, you can't continue doing this by yourself. So your husband has to take over completely at the weekends but ideally every other night. You are not a robot and can't continue like this. And he is just as responsible as you for the baby. Can you go and stay with a relative overnight? Or a premier Inn? Just to get a full night's sleep. Is there any way you could wean your baby onto bottles so you are not his only source of comfort? Also, my eldest was like this and only started sleeping after she was given medication for reflux at 18 months old. Go and get this checked out. You are doing really well. This is a horrible thing to go through. It will get better.

Hi OP...
Sleep training and CIO its generally hated on mumsnet so I'm sorry that on top of being sleep deprived you're being insulted and shamed.

I did sleep train both my boys at 6m and let them CIO. I actually found going in to soothe regularly prolonged the crying and made it worse.

When I just stopped going in and out the crying was much shorter and within a day or 2 it stopped. It's not cruel to teach your child how to fall asleep, it's just a normal life skill. It doesn't have to drag on for years and years. I hope he settles and you all get the rest you need.

I would honestly try and get a mother help/baby sitter in during the day so you can some sleep while partner is at work so your not so sleep deprived.

have you tried one of those auto rocker baby baskets? Obviously sleep training has to stop as it’s not working

but I would try all the different gimmicks. Baby massage. Foot rubbing nose rubbing. Putting his sleep wear under your top so it smells like you.

split the nights with DP and maybe sleep downstairs with earplugs then swap half way so you at least get a few hours a night.

sorry OP, you will get through this. Don’t lose hope.