What do you do when sleep training doesn’t work? 6 month old cries for more than an hour… I am so desperate. Please help.

[IJustNeedToSleep]

Hi everyone,

Our little boy has never been a good sleeper - he would only sleep on us or in the car. I co slept for a few months but it was unsustainable.

We started doing gentle sleep training (pick up put down and shush pat) when he was 6 months. We did get to a place where we can now get him down in his cot, but after 3 weeks, we’re going backwards - he is waking more through the night and the soothing doesn’t work to get him down anymore.

We have now tried controlled crying but he literally does not stop crying. We go in at different intervals and put a hand on him and say our little phrase but he never ever gets to a point where he actually stops crying. He goes over an hour every single time.

Everything I’ve read says if it goes on for over an hour, you should offer some more comfort, and tweak your approach, but I don’t understand how to be this flexible but also be consistent. It seems completely contradictory.

My mental health is really bad. I’m crying all the time. I feel like I want to scream and run away.

I dont know what to do. What the hell do you turn next if leaving your child to cry doesn’t even work?

The only way I can get him down now is to do the CC for almost an hour and then do deep pressure hand strokes on him and he eventually stays asleep.

I am beyond exhausted and desperate to not feel like this any more.

If anyone has any tips or advice, I would be very appreciative.

Thank you

Ignore all the martyrs trying to make you feel guilty for sleep training - at 6 months it's not going to do any lasting damage to your baby. For all those saying co-sleeping, it doesn't work for everyone, I hated it as I couldn't just feed half asleep and go back to sleep. When my babies were waking every hour to feed, I literally didn't sleep all night. The only thing that saved me was DH doing split nights with me so I at least got 3-4 hours sleep before my 'shift' started, so I would persist with trying to get your baby to take a bottle. If you can afford it, I would also suggest getting a sleep trainer to come to your place for a few nights to see if she can crack it - friends of mine did this after unsuccessfully trying to sleep train themselves and within a week their baby was sleeping through the night (older than 6 months, I think baby was around 9 months but at 6 months you should be able to get them waking for one or two feeds only ideally). Both of mine were terrible sleepers and I went back to working a high pressure job when they were 6 months each time, the sleep deprivation nearly killed me so I feel your pain.

Do you have a spare bed?

If so I agree try cosleeping in shifts - you go to bed early (7?) and take over at midnight/1am.

Actually might work even if one of you sleeps on the sofa

Why was co sleeping unsustainable?

I rarely had any sleep deprivation as my sleep is vital to my health and well being and we co slept with all of ours.

I also used to (and still do) have a Power Nap every day. It fully recharges your batteries!

Sleep training at 6 months old is awful, I understand you're tired but it doesn't last forever, nothing does!

What a monumentally unhelpful comment. Very clearly the op desperately loves her son and is trying to help him. This is a Mum who cares deeply and is at her absolute wits end. Your comment just makes things worse, I hope you're proud of yourself.

Leaving your baby to cry for 10 percent of its waking hours is just never a great solution, though, is it?

Sorry, i mean 5 percent. But whatever. It's obviously not optimal to have any baby crying for one hour a night. I refuse to believe there's not a better way of dealing with the situation than that.

And who said it was optimal? If the op thought that she wouldn't be posting here asking for help! All she is getting from you is judgement.

Hi OP are you able to afford a sleep consultant? I think you probably at this point need advice from someone with experience to take the time to understand your situation and work out ways to help you x

I think most of the replies on this thread have never been pushed to the absolute brink of sanity by sleep deprivation. My first was an EBF bottle refuser too OP, that only napped on me and woke every 45min at night. I literally felt my mind crumbling around me, until they started sleeping longer.

I do think sleep is largely linked to development & personality. Although we tried so much to help our DC1 sleep, it just gradually improved with age. DC2 came out of the womb a good sleeper, even though we did everything the same.

It sounds like the priority is you getting some rest, however that may be. ❤️ The thing your baby needs most is a well mama!

If you get him to sleep in the evening, would you be able to pass him to your DH to rock him for a few hours? I've done this on both of mine, and it's the only thing that worked for my first. He wasn't able to sit down or stop moving, and I'm not going to lie there were tears involved (from all of us at one stage!) but eventually it settled. I would pass them over at 8, and get a solid 3-4 hour block. I had to stop myself from going to get them if I heard crying, and trust that if it was needed my DH would come get me. If you can sleep with them, ear plugs help with this. Eventually, baby settled in the crib instead of on DH for this time period, and we all felt a little more sane.

This stage is hard. But it will pass, and seem like a distant dream I promise.

The fact that you think a Power Nap "Fully recharges" your batteries suggests you don't actually get where OP is right now.

I rarely had any sleep deprivation as my sleep is vital to my health and well being thank goodness that doesn't apply to anyone else??

In all honestly I think he's just a little too young. We did sleep training, but we did it from 8 months. It worked for us and he still sleeps through the night now at 3.5 years old (aware this may not last forever of course!). Does he have some kind of pacifier? We would be totally lost without his comforter. He cannot sleep without it, but sleeps amazingly with.

Hi everyone - I just wanted to say a really big thank you to all the people who left kind, supportive and incredibly helpful comments. I’m genuinely touched that so many people have taken the time to respond. Some of your comments made me cry (appreciative tears) and your advice has really helped me.

I now feel in a much better place. I’ll stop this technique as I think you’re all right - it’s not working and it’s clearly not right for him. Instead I’ll focus on still trying to get him to get used to sleeping in his cot, but I’ll do that with more comfort, cuddles and rocking. And if non of that works, I’ll co sleep for the rest of the night.

Sleep deprivation is absolute torture and I was feeling completely hopeless before, so thank you so much for helping me to figure out my next steps when my head is utterly fried.

I’m really really grateful. (Not to the people who wrote unkind, unsympathetic and antagonistic comments though - you lot need to have a serious think about how you conduct yourselves).

❤️

You aren't awful. Lack of sleep frazzles your brain.
I couldn't co sleep either. Far too stressful.
The only thing that occurs to me is maybe he's hungry or weaning is unsettling his stomach.

If you don't mind op , can I ask what your partner is doing to help you get some decent blocks of sleep?

My reason for asking is that we often don't disclose just how bad things are when we're beyond exhausted. Does he know the true extent of it?

What about family members also. Can they watch your son during the day while you take a break?

Oh he knows!

He is trying to find ways to help but it's tricky because he can't soothe him to sleep anymore and our baby refuses to take a bottle (we've tried 3 or 4 different types so far). We also have another little boy, so he's mainly in charge of looking after him at the weekend.

We have family nearby, but they're fighting their own battles and don't have much capacity to help out regularly. That said, my lovely mother in law has been coming over for the past few weeks on Wednesdays for 2 hours so she can hold him whilst he sleeps so I can get a break, and that has been invaluable.

I've spoken to DH this evening about him taking the baby more at the weekend so he's going to start taking both boys out so I can find ways to rest more at the weekend.

What? Your six month old baby is crying for YOU. It’s not sleep training, go to him, cuddle him, whatever he wants, give it to him, he’s six months old.
I never trained either of mine. It’s totally cruel and unnecessary. Both of them slept quite happily alone for seven hours by eight months. It’s called security. They knew I’d be there if they needed me. How can any mother even contemplate any other way.

Did you miss the part of the post where OP said they were desperate, struggling and in need of help? 😞 This isn't a kind of helpful response.

And for what it's worth, I never sleep trained mine either. Yours sleeping through at 7 months is a lovely mix of personality and luck, rather than superior parenting.

Firstly, some acceptance is needed - that you won’t sleep well and this is normal for some babies

EBF - cosleeping is the only way I could make it work. Eventually you learn a position that causes you to stir minimally and baby can latch on off easily esp at 6 months. This gets you the most sleep.

wouldn’t turn my nose up at a 45 min nap when baby with OH - every short nap help you and allows you to keep going. It’s tough but it does get better in the long term.

don’t expect you will nail a sleep routine and that it will look the same each night. Use weekends with OH to catch up on sleep.

@IJustNeedToSleep that all sounds positive. I'm glad you have your mil to support you and that your partner is going to take both kids off of your hands for a while on the weekend.

I wish I could offer advice on how to fix this , but having tried everything with my own child I've got nothing at all. But there will be a day when you'll get hours of sleep in a row , and you'll feel like you've had a bloody spa day!

Please ignore these posters attempting to shame you for trying to sleep train. I can only assume that they have no idea what it's like to have a permanent headache and brain fog due to sleep deprivation.

A 3-4 hour block is not realistic for many ebf babies at 6 months.

You are not awful. Sleep is necessary. You have a job to perform in, presumably a car to drive safely and a relationship to preserve. You need sleep!

The fact that yours slept that long by 7 months means you have absolutely no idea what extreme sleep deprivation feels like. It is soul destroying and pushes you far beyond what you can cope with. It is mentally crippling and I’m desperately trying to find solutions so I can find a way to stay sane enough to be a great mum to both my boys.

We’re almost 7 months in and the maximum he’s ever slept has been 3 hours, and that was on me, and he is often awake every 45 mins through the night so I just don’t get any sleep. I am utterly exhausted and desperate.

Up until this point, every single nap has been on me and every single time he woke through the night I rocked or fed him back to sleep. I also co slept for months. So I have only been trying this sleep training method for a couple of days….

You say it’s cruel and unnecessary, but you have zero regard for a mother’s mental health. How do you think my baby would be looked after if i absolutely broke and couldn’t function?

Your comment is cruel and uneccesary.

Just ignore them OP. It isn’t tenable to be pinned to a sofa for 3 hours in a day. You have another child to tend to, no doubt a job to do and a home to run.

Try this: rub his back/ tap his bum lightly while rhythmically shooshing him. I know it sounds weird but it worked for my DC who were crap sleepers.

I also paid for a sleep trainer, she said you need to go in and calm him every 5 minutes, then every 10 minutes etc. She was the one who shoed me the shooshing/ tapping thing.

But never leave him to cry for so long (an hour!), its cruel.