What do you do when sleep training doesn’t work? 6 month old cries for more than an hour… I am so desperate. Please help.

[IJustNeedToSleep]

Hi everyone,

Our little boy has never been a good sleeper - he would only sleep on us or in the car. I co slept for a few months but it was unsustainable.

We started doing gentle sleep training (pick up put down and shush pat) when he was 6 months. We did get to a place where we can now get him down in his cot, but after 3 weeks, we’re going backwards - he is waking more through the night and the soothing doesn’t work to get him down anymore.

We have now tried controlled crying but he literally does not stop crying. We go in at different intervals and put a hand on him and say our little phrase but he never ever gets to a point where he actually stops crying. He goes over an hour every single time.

Everything I’ve read says if it goes on for over an hour, you should offer some more comfort, and tweak your approach, but I don’t understand how to be this flexible but also be consistent. It seems completely contradictory.

My mental health is really bad. I’m crying all the time. I feel like I want to scream and run away.

I dont know what to do. What the hell do you turn next if leaving your child to cry doesn’t even work?

The only way I can get him down now is to do the CC for almost an hour and then do deep pressure hand strokes on him and he eventually stays asleep.

I am beyond exhausted and desperate to not feel like this any more.

If anyone has any tips or advice, I would be very appreciative.

Thank you

Also, love the "I did X and I have a happy baby" argument - well, I never sleep trained, coslept for ages and now have a very happy and healthy child. What is this a proof of?

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Sleep deprivation is truly awful- my second dc was a horrendous sleeper.

We tried controlled crying at a similar age to yours and it just did not work. In fact I am still slightly haunted by it. Dc just became inconsolably upset. We also tried pick up put down - also didn't work. Until dc was 1, he would wake for at least an hour every night screaming- this was even whilst being cuddled. So what helped? We co slept - it was the only way any of us got any sleep. It sounds strange too but accepting he was a bad sleeper helped too - not trying to change things but accepting that in time they would. Might not be for everyone but mentally that helped me.

Re naps, my ds never napped in a cot. Eventually he napped in a pram/pushchair and it got to the point where all I had to do was wheel him down the street at notice and he would be instantly asleep - I could then push him home and have an hour or so off.

Good luck, hang on in there, things will get better at some point.

It's proof that what you did worked for your baby ... Most parents - including me - try lots of methods before they settle on CIO.

Both of my babies hated co-sleeping, and so do I. They would wake up if I changed position at all. And like some PP my oldest wouldn't settle and couldn't sleep even if held or whatever ...

If co-sleeping works for you or you can function on extreme sleep deprivation then you do you. People saying 'I did this and the baby was fine' is a specific retort to the posters saying the baby will be traumatised and there will be terrible life-long consequences to sleep training

Some of these comments are so unfair and judgmental. My baby cried and cried for hours as we tried to comfort the baby in our arms, in the carrier, in the buggy, on the bed, etc. each night. There was a bit of crying when we did controlled crying as sleep training but so much less than what we were doing when we tried to offer comfort. With hindsight, I interpreted some of the crying from before we did sleep training as due to tiredness. The choice is not necessarily happy baby vs sad baby. Sleep is important for parents AND babies.

I don’t have a solution for how to make things better now but sleep deprivation is dangerous and unhealthy, and you are not a bad or cruel parent for trying controlled crying. Millions of people do this every year.

She said in her OP her mental health is terrible, she is crying all the time and wanting to run away...

My dd was exactly the same, tbh I'm the same, I need to be left alone in a quiet, dark room to go to sleep 🤷‍♀️ I was like this as a young child.

My dd was v upset if I came in and out of her room as a baby, it worked much better to leave her for 20-30 mins and let her fall asleep by herself.

I'm a single parent and went back to work when dd was 7 months old, we both needed our sleep.

I couldn’t read and run on this post and I’ve created an account to reply!

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, severe sleep deprivation is truly awful. I know exactly what it is like as I am going through the same thing as you now with my little boy (my baby hasn’t really slept more than 1-2 hour chunks for 8 months now) - it is truly debilitating. I never thought I’d get to the point of controlled crying (as his tears always upset me so much) but when you reach rock bottom you will try anything.

Please ignore some of the earlier posts, you are absolutely not awful and you are doing what’s best for you and your baby - as you both need to be well rested and you are trying to take care of your mental health (which is paramount when looking after a baby). All babies are different - not everyone appreciates that and those posters probably didn’t reach the level of sleep deprivation that you’re in.

If controlled crying isn’t working I would suggest reaching out to a sleep consultant to see if they can give you some advice on what to do next. I started with a sleep consultant last week and I have seen dramatic improvements already which I never thought would happen.

I hope things get better for you!

op

are you feeding him when he wakes? You have not answered this at all

An hour omg. Sleep training doesn't work on all babies especially highly needy babies. They just need parents. Parenting is not a 9-5 job i am sorry to say. You do need to parent 24 hours and it is luck whether your baby is chill or needy. Nithing you can do. And tortuing the poor soul with high levels of cortisol and fear. Poor baby. Child development exoerts say high cortisol anf stress can danage neurology pathways and create new negative ones. The effects long term will never be known. But they say in adults who they can study they have seen stress and cortisol on an aduky brain can damage and kill pathways and create new ones that are negative. Stress is not good for the body. Over time it can damage organs inckusing the brain.

DS1 was high needs sensitive slept awful so i accepted that he needed more hands on parenting and coslept until he was 3. I had DS2 just before and the sleeping arrangment worked but then DS1 wanted his own room and we transitioned took a few nights but he slept all by hinself when he was ready. But we never ever refuse comfort. If he wakes upset we comfort him even now.
DS2 on the other hand slept like a log. Nurse him to bed move him into his space in my bed and he was sleeping through until 5 months and now he wakes up 3 times for reassurance. It is scary and they are waking up to the world. Self soothing is like toilet training. Do all children stay dry at nught after 6 months. It is a mental development stage just like sleep. It is normal to not be dry at night until age 7! Yes the Drs say that. So why is it abnormal that a child needs soothing for a few months or couple years until they are ready and reached that milestone? It is normal and we need to learn what kind if child we have and give the the care they ask for. If they don't need much hands on great. If they need more hands on great. That's how they are.

Hi, I know this is an old thread but wondering how things are going now? I’m going through similar with my 5.5 month old.

AleaEim if you’re struggling I would download Ferber’s sleep book. He’s not just some guru but one of the most highly trained/researched neurological doctors who has studied and treated sleep disorders for many years.
He has a chapter on night weaning which I followed with all three of my babies when they were your little ones age. It was so gentle and really effective and gave me peace of mind.
He states if your baby is being fed during the night it’s really important to not cut out feeds cold turkey because then the baby will be crying out in pain. But to gradually reduce feeding amounts. The book is full of lots of information which I found useful.

Thank you. Do you recommend it for breastfed babies?

Hi AleaEim,

I am so sorry you’re struggling with sleep deprivation. It is debilitating and I really feel your pain.

I’m really pleased to say that we are in a much much better place and DS now sleeps through the night consistently and naps beautifully in the day - we put him down awake and he happily takes himself off to sleep.

We spoke to a sleep consultant who basically saved us. We did Ferber with her guidance, coaching and support and I cannot recommend it enough. If we hadn’t have done that, there’s just no way his sleep would have improved naturally.

Let me know if you’d like her contact details and I’ll DM them to you.

Sending you so much strength xxx

Yes I do.

This isn’t normal get the health visitor round. You are both getting extremely stressed and it’s so bad for both of you

Yea I would love to have her details. Thank you