Grandparents adamant for sleepover with toddler

[CuriousMummyy]

Got a straightforward one with a complication... (so not so straightforward!)

I have wonderful in laws. They love my DD who is 3 years old. We lived with them for a couple years so they grew really close to her. They were also really nice to me. However, we lived together for too long in my opinion and issues arised that didn't need to. There are definitely some unsaid bitter feelings/memories, but neither of us wants trouble or drama, so now that we have our own place, we've all overlooked it (in an unspoken sort of way) and we still get on thankfully.

So the issue I have is, the grandparents REALLY want her to sleep over. They initially wanted it regularly and I said no. I had another baby recently and they mentioned her sleeping over once a week and I said no. At that time, my reasoning more than anything was wanting my two kids close to me and not wanting my eldest to feel that now that the baby has come, she's not home for a night and is spending less time with me. So when I said no, I also explained this. They didn't understand it clearly but just sort of said okay, with the intention to revisit the idea in the future.

They live within driving distance but I would rather my child be in bed in their home. Unless there is a need for her to go or a reason e.g. I'm on holiday, I don't see why she should, other than them missing her. Which is really nice truly, but to me, that doesn't mean I should let her stay over. You miss her? Come and spend as much of the day as you want with her. For her to spend the night isn't necessary. She's also in school so weekdays don't leave much of the day.

I don't know if I don't want her to go out of me being too attached, safety (I trust them 1000% but it's a different feeling of security when your child is physically with you) and probably a few other reasons I can't remember right now.

Please tell me am I being unreasonable?!?
I really want to be grounded if I'm being a cow with no valid reasoning for not letting her stay, because she loves them. I don't think me saying no is a big deal, it's definitely not ideal for them but it's nothing to get upset over and call me "selfish" and "disrespectful" (politely said but I was super offended).

And to top it off, husband dearest would never have had an issue with this but since it's his parents and after it being bought up so many times, he's now saying she should be allowed to go and he's now exercising his right as her parent to say yes! As if I'm depriving her of something so huge. We go at least once a week, are in contact, I just don't want her sleeping over. And definitely don't want DD to think of sleeping over as a habit, for anyone's house! And she's only 3 years old.

Am I overthinking this? Do I just give them what I want even though for some reason I'm just not comfortable with it? Am I being a control freak?! Make it make sense please!

I used to love going to sleep over at my nans house

Once isn’t a yes every time of course but the OP is being untruthful when she says it’s because she wants her child sleeping under her roof with her because that excuse doesn’t cut it when it was ok to leave her there when they went on holiday. She needs to be upfront with her husband and say it’s because she doesn’t trust her in-laws not to undermine her / doesn’t like them .

I think it's a real shame for both your child and the grandparents to prevent sleepovers.

The sly digs at her parenting - did they even exist? I mean the OP is upset because the GPs took their toddler swimming because apparently that's overstepping boundaries. It makes me wonder how real these perceived slights are if viewed objectively.

Oh FFS I think your wider thinking is the issue ....by some on mn all men are crap, all mils nasty, mothers are entitled to do as they please (unless they are mother's to adult sons) go back and read the ops posts. She only lets a sleepover happen when it suits her and spouts things like not wanting to be apart as an excuse people are saying it's fine as the main carer for her to be controlling and make all decisions over riding the father....if it were the man over riding the woman those same people would be screaming abuse.
Parenting should be a partnership not that either parent is in control.

My MIL is lovely. But she doesn’t decide when my child sleeps at hers.

@jannier she's absolutely allowed to let sleepovers happen whenever it suits her.

And guess what, she's also absolutely allowed to change her mind too. Especially since the gps seem unpleasant.

Because it's her life. Her kid. She does things when it suits her because it's her choice.

She's not some martyr who has to do what other people want. And she certainly doesn't have to put up with unpleasantness from people who keep badgering her for sleepovers with her child.

I really don't see a problem if she would have fun with them. Having somewhere your child is happy to stay overnight is SUCH a brilliant thing in an emergency. And, frankly, I can't see a problem with doing something that makes nice grandparents happy, even if it isn't a necessity.

"Her life" "her kid" so dad has no rights or decision making? The child is of no concern and mother can hold child to ransom on some perceived slight, after all the ILs are of no use anymore they lived in their home used them for holidays and hospitals now the in-laws can just crawl off until next needed....probably on returning to work or to moan they take no interest.

@jannier if you'd bothered to read my earlier posts - you don't bother to read properly - I said it was for her and her oh to decide.

But if she has such strong feelings and the gps are unpleasant to her (did you miss that bit too?), then her feelings on this are quite important and valid.

Can I suggest you stop posting on this at least on my posts because it's boring having to explain over and over when you just don't bother to read others' posts.

And you dismiss any rudeness as some "perceived slight", dismissing the validity of the mother's feelings.

Makes me wonder if you are a grandparent who hasn't got her way with her gcs the way she wanted it.

Yabu.
It's important for her to develop a good relationship with her grandparents independent of you. Also, she and they will have a lovely time.

I had regular sleep overs with my nan (fathers mum) From when I was tiny.
they took me on holidays too when I was a toddler/pre schooler.
I don’t remember any of it, but I do know that I had a wonderful relationship with my Nan, and the photos of that time showed that I had fun and enjoyed the time.
and my mum had some time off, which - now I am a parent who doesn’t have the same safe sleepover option- seems like a lovely thing.
I have a great relationship with my mum too, so it didn’t ruin our relationship to have this time apart, but it did make my relationship with my Nan stronger than my children’s relationship with their dads parents.

I doubt the child is being held ransom etc.. they're three years old. It would be different if they were 8 and saying why can't I sleep over. At 3 it's entirely down to the parents and if either has reservations that has to count.

Nailed it, I think.

@CuriousMummyy
Here is how a similar situation panned out:
My parents, my brother and I (we are twins) also lived with our paternal grandparents initially. My Grandmother in particular, made that situation pretty unbearable for my mum. I do remember the petty arguments and the atmosphere from around the time I was 3-4 years old.
I have to say, my DM ain't an easy one to get on with either so everyone struggled there.

We moved out to a family home.
My brother and I would still get dropped off for sleepovers sometimes and even stayed for days at a time in school holidays.
My Grandma thawed and became an absolute sweetheart. Grandad was just the best!

And then, when we were 6 years old, our dad disappeared from our lives. Suddenly and completely. I have never seen him again. In this situation it was his choice.. But it could have been anything - an illness, an accident...

My Grandparents stepped up to be the light in the situation. They must have felt great pain over the actions of their son so they decided to share all the love they ever could. They also helped us financially as my father would not.

My DM never did develop any warm feelings towards her MIL but she didn't impede my relationship with my Grandparents in any way. They were the best and they made me feel very valued and loved.

No I have my grandchildren regularly and do whatever I'm asked to do even if it means me losing, income. But I know that when living with 4 adults in a house especially if any are non related it's a tight rope to give people privacy and not over step I wouldn't have wanted children in the mix then. If my grand children's parents do it differently to how I would, I shut up and don't interfere there not mine....but to only be good enough for care that can't be sourced elsewhere and resented would be taking the piss. It's supposed to be fun for all not just dregs on one person's terms, especially if they are busy slagging you off whilst claiming grateful and get on well.

But she doesn't have reservations hence the holiday etc....its punishment.

It's sending a clear message to the grandparents that the child has two parents, and both have to agree to sending the child somewhere overnight.

Not punishment, but communication.

You can be happy about something as an occasional one off but have reservations about it being regular.

@jannier it's not punishments.

People are allowed to change their minds whenever they like. You really don't like the op having agency over her own life and choices just because she's a parent and GPs are involved. Like it's triggering for you. Does it worry you in case your dil or son in law decide you've behaved poorly and don't want their dcs to hang around with you as much?

Grandparents have had their time as parents.

They very much need to learn to take a backseat now unless otherwise invited. And definitely not make demands like these GPs are doing. Bang out of order. Grandparents don't get to make parenting decisions. Parents do.

It's a very good lesson for all extended family members to behave themselves and not make demands on other people.

I think “no” means “no” and the grandparents aren’t being supportive to the parents or kind to the child by ignoring that.
They need to back off. All the way off.

My question would be if you did this once would they push and push for more?

If so - it would be a hard no from me. And I’d be telling DH that if he pushed it, I’d be pulling back from their visits, telling them why I found them overbearing during living there and exactly what their role is going forward. Is that what he wants?

My granddaughter has had sleepovers with me, since she was about two. It was my DD who initiated it, because she felt that it was good to know that in an emergency, DGD would be comfortable staying with me. Which was not only good when DGD's baby sister was born, but then again a year later when her sister was rushed into hospital where she and her parents (most of the time) remained for a week.

They're not regular sleepovers. They happen when DGD asks for one, or her mum or I see it would be helpful for some reason.

I love the sleepovers, DGD loves them, and her mum and dad know that they have that option for practical or emergency reasons.

As others have said, you're overthinking this for reasons that aren't about what's good for your child.