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Original poster

Grandparents adamant for sleepover with toddler

174 replies

CuriousMummyy · 12/10/2024 17:48

Got a straightforward one with a complication... (so not so straightforward!)

I have wonderful in laws. They love my DD who is 3 years old. We lived with them for a couple years so they grew really close to her. They were also really nice to me. However, we lived together for too long in my opinion and issues arised that didn't need to. There are definitely some unsaid bitter feelings/memories, but neither of us wants trouble or drama, so now that we have our own place, we've all overlooked it (in an unspoken sort of way) and we still get on thankfully.

So the issue I have is, the grandparents REALLY want her to sleep over. They initially wanted it regularly and I said no. I had another baby recently and they mentioned her sleeping over once a week and I said no. At that time, my reasoning more than anything was wanting my two kids close to me and not wanting my eldest to feel that now that the baby has come, she's not home for a night and is spending less time with me. So when I said no, I also explained this. They didn't understand it clearly but just sort of said okay, with the intention to revisit the idea in the future.

They live within driving distance but I would rather my child be in bed in their home. Unless there is a need for her to go or a reason e.g. I'm on holiday, I don't see why she should, other than them missing her. Which is really nice truly, but to me, that doesn't mean I should let her stay over. You miss her? Come and spend as much of the day as you want with her. For her to spend the night isn't necessary. She's also in school so weekdays don't leave much of the day.

I don't know if I don't want her to go out of me being too attached, safety (I trust them 1000% but it's a different feeling of security when your child is physically with you) and probably a few other reasons I can't remember right now.

Please tell me am I being unreasonable?!?
I really want to be grounded if I'm being a cow with no valid reasoning for not letting her stay, because she loves them. I don't think me saying no is a big deal, it's definitely not ideal for them but it's nothing to get upset over and call me "selfish" and "disrespectful" (politely said but I was super offended).

And to top it off, husband dearest would never have had an issue with this but since it's his parents and after it being bought up so many times, he's now saying she should be allowed to go and he's now exercising his right as her parent to say yes! As if I'm depriving her of something so huge. We go at least once a week, are in contact, I just don't want her sleeping over. And definitely don't want DD to think of sleeping over as a habit, for anyone's house! And she's only 3 years old.

Am I overthinking this? Do I just give them what I want even though for some reason I'm just not comfortable with it? Am I being a control freak?! Make it make sense please!

OP posts:

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khaa2091 · 12/10/2024 17:54

From a purely practical point of view, having somewhere she is comfortable to spend the night in an emergency would be helpful?
different situation, but my nearly 3 yr regularly stays at my parents because I work nights and am a single parent. She has “her” bedroom and toys / books etc that live there.
I would reframe it as staying at grandparents as being a treat…

Autumn38 · 12/10/2024 17:54

You are perfectly in your rights to say she doesn’t need to sleep over yet.

as she gets older it’s a nice thing to do and I have lovely memories of staying with grandparents.

but you are right that at this stage it would just be for them- she won’t even remember it as she is so little!

there is plenty of time for those sorts of things in the future and no one should be pressuring you. It’s lovely that they love her so much but they need to chill out a bit.

Pandasnacks · 12/10/2024 17:56

What does within driving distance mean? How far away are they? Surely it'd be nice to eventually be able to have the kids stay there and have a date night or something. Would your daughter not love staying over there?

Autumn38 · 12/10/2024 17:57

khaa2091 · 12/10/2024 17:54

To be fair this is a good point. Not a bad idea for her to be comfortable and safe in more than one place.

Crazykefir · 12/10/2024 17:58

I think your right to go with your instincts. DH needs to back you up.

99RedBallonz · 12/10/2024 17:59

Does she want to sleep over?

FuzzyGoblin · 12/10/2024 18:00

What does she want to do? This all seems to be about you and many children enjoy going to see their grandparents, especially if a new sibling has come along so they feel pushed out.

Ozanj · 12/10/2024 18:01

I didn’t let DS sleep with my DP until recently (he’s almost 5) but it was more from a practical perspective as he still breastfed and we coslept. When we stopped that it made more sense. I don’t have a second child but if you’re not breastfeeding eldest and she sleeps alone then why wouldn’t you send her regularly? It’ll give you a massive break

Original poster

CuriousMummyy · 12/10/2024 18:03

Ozanj · 12/10/2024 18:01

Edited

I don't know if part of it is because I don't want my in laws to take over, as I feel like they did when I lived with them. My husband and I are her parents, not them!

OP posts:

Pandasnacks · 12/10/2024 18:07

Sleeping over occasionally would make them her parents or taking over, it'd just give her a normal grandparent relationship. I'm not saying she doesn't have that now, but occasional sleepovers at grandparents is just standard. Again, what would your DD enjoy?

Floralnomad · 12/10/2024 18:08

Does your child want to stay overnight with them ? We had a similar situation in that we lived with my mum for a year whilst we were in between houses and our son was about 18 months . He adored my mum ( and sister) and often after we moved out would ask to stay and if they were happy to have him it was fine with me . They had a lovely relationship . Our daughter never wanted to stay anywhere and never did . Would you think differently if it was your mum wanting her to stay ?

Original poster

CuriousMummyy · 12/10/2024 18:09

FuzzyGoblin · 12/10/2024 18:00

What does she want to do? This all seems to be about you and many children enjoy going to see their grandparents, especially if a new sibling has come along so they feel pushed out.

She definitely enjoys going. And that's exactly it, I don't want her to feel pushed out, not in the slightest. Doesn't help when in laws sometimes make comments as though they know her better than I do. I really don't think it's purposeful, but that's how it's come out, on multiple occasions.

OP posts:

TeamPlaying · 12/10/2024 18:09

To be honest OP this sounds like it’s more about the history of your relationship with them and the fact that you haven’t got past the issues from living with them.

I think it’s good for kids to feel comfortable at the grandparents if that’s an option. It means there’s an option in an emergency. It means she can develop her relationship directly with them, not only via you and DH.

It certainly doesn’t have to be every week, but I think refusing it altogether is more about your issues with them than anything about your child really.

Original poster

CuriousMummyy · 12/10/2024 18:09

Autumn38 · 12/10/2024 17:54

You are perfectly in your rights to say she doesn’t need to sleep over yet.

as she gets older it’s a nice thing to do and I have lovely memories of staying with grandparents.

but you are right that at this stage it would just be for them- she won’t even remember it as she is so little!

there is plenty of time for those sorts of things in the future and no one should be pressuring you. It’s lovely that they love her so much but they need to chill out a bit.

The way you've worded this makes so much sense to me!! Thank you

OP posts:

lololulu · 12/10/2024 18:11

Mine slept at my mums from about 3/4 months.

They've never slept at their dad's mums.

There are now 12 and 14.

TeamPlaying · 12/10/2024 18:12

she won’t even remember it as she is so little

I disagree with this. If things they won’t remember aren’t important, we could just stick our kids in a room and throw food in to them for the first few years. Early experiences, even ones they don’t specifically remember, are still important.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/10/2024 18:13

As a compromise why not say in the holidays only? Once the reality of 2 dc kicks in you may relish a break.. Ime my dc have never slept out young but given you all lived there your situation is different.. Beware of things get nasty they could seek legal advice on getting access and your life could be blown apart. Better, again imo appease them with odd night in school holidays really will be fine..

crumblingschools · 12/10/2024 18:13

Why do some grandparents put so much pressure on parents to have their grandchildren sleepover? Once in a while might be nice but to expect a weekly sleepover, why? Do they have nothing else going on in their lives?

Original poster

CuriousMummyy · 12/10/2024 18:13

TeamPlaying · 12/10/2024 18:09

To be honest OP this sounds like it’s more about the history of your relationship with them and the fact that you haven’t got past the issues from living with them.

It certainly doesn’t have to be every week, but I think refusing it altogether is more about your issues with them than anything about your child really.

I could just hug you. These are honestly my thoughts exactly. I genuinely think I haven't gotten past it either. I also don't see us all going to therapy for these unsaid issues.
And she has stayed when I went on holiday and gave birth.
So what do I do?

OP posts:

Knapplands · 12/10/2024 18:15

I think that this is one of those things that some people will understand, and some just won't get it. I'm with you OP- I've never really felt like I need a break overnight from DC, not that there's anything wrong with that. And I think that DC is more engaged and more open to be having fun and bonding in the daytime, so why the focus on overnights?

Landlubber2019 · 12/10/2024 18:15

Mine never slept with grandparents until they were much older and you shouldn't feel pressured. However, your daughter is used to staying at their house and is likely to have a wonderful relationship with her grandparents.

I do think you are projecting your concerns here and there is room for compromise. Not weekly but every month or so would be a fabulous treat if she wanted to stay with them.

AW24 · 12/10/2024 18:15

The bad feelings your harbouring is affecting your decision.

Soonenough · 12/10/2024 18:17

It's a shame that you feel this way . The relationship between a child and their grandparents is something special but does not take away from yours. The more people that love and care for a child the better . She will have lovely memories of being with them and a nice feeling of security. They love her and want to spend special time together.
I hope you can see your way to allowing this and being OK . I know she is your child but also your husband's . You may glad of a safe place for your daughter to be. Please consider it.

2Old2Tango · 12/10/2024 18:17

I think weekly is too often, or it would be for me, maybe not for others.

Is there a compromise to be had? Maybe once a month?

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/10/2024 18:19

My nearly 3 year old doesn’t stay anywhere away from me. He’s happy and confident and he’d be fine, but I like having him with me; and I don’t feel he’s missing out on anything. There’s plenty of time and opportunity as he gets older. I’ll entertain it when it feels right.

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