Grandparents adamant for sleepover with toddler

[CuriousMummyy]

Got a straightforward one with a complication... (so not so straightforward!)

I have wonderful in laws. They love my DD who is 3 years old. We lived with them for a couple years so they grew really close to her. They were also really nice to me. However, we lived together for too long in my opinion and issues arised that didn't need to. There are definitely some unsaid bitter feelings/memories, but neither of us wants trouble or drama, so now that we have our own place, we've all overlooked it (in an unspoken sort of way) and we still get on thankfully.

So the issue I have is, the grandparents REALLY want her to sleep over. They initially wanted it regularly and I said no. I had another baby recently and they mentioned her sleeping over once a week and I said no. At that time, my reasoning more than anything was wanting my two kids close to me and not wanting my eldest to feel that now that the baby has come, she's not home for a night and is spending less time with me. So when I said no, I also explained this. They didn't understand it clearly but just sort of said okay, with the intention to revisit the idea in the future.

They live within driving distance but I would rather my child be in bed in their home. Unless there is a need for her to go or a reason e.g. I'm on holiday, I don't see why she should, other than them missing her. Which is really nice truly, but to me, that doesn't mean I should let her stay over. You miss her? Come and spend as much of the day as you want with her. For her to spend the night isn't necessary. She's also in school so weekdays don't leave much of the day.

I don't know if I don't want her to go out of me being too attached, safety (I trust them 1000% but it's a different feeling of security when your child is physically with you) and probably a few other reasons I can't remember right now.

Please tell me am I being unreasonable?!?
I really want to be grounded if I'm being a cow with no valid reasoning for not letting her stay, because she loves them. I don't think me saying no is a big deal, it's definitely not ideal for them but it's nothing to get upset over and call me "selfish" and "disrespectful" (politely said but I was super offended).

And to top it off, husband dearest would never have had an issue with this but since it's his parents and after it being bought up so many times, he's now saying she should be allowed to go and he's now exercising his right as her parent to say yes! As if I'm depriving her of something so huge. We go at least once a week, are in contact, I just don't want her sleeping over. And definitely don't want DD to think of sleeping over as a habit, for anyone's house! And she's only 3 years old.

Am I overthinking this? Do I just give them what I want even though for some reason I'm just not comfortable with it? Am I being a control freak?! Make it make sense please!

I think it could work well for all of you, if it was limited to school holidays and not term time.

So you didn't feel like you lost control when you went on holiday or had another baby then. Where did you go and why couldn't your daughter come with you? Why have you got to watch her swimming when the grandparents take her? It's perfectly normal for grandparents to do activities with their GCs without the parents always hanging around. I think you're punishing your in laws and I also think you'll live to regret it when you want another holiday, are ill or want a night out.

But there's a lot more to this the op has negative feelings to her in laws and admits to burying it how can you trust someone who doesn't open up their feelings but smooths them over and rewrites the narrative saying I get on with etc....if she won't be honest in talking about what happened how can you assume it's just the down trodden son and not that she hasn't given him the true reasons rather than wrapping it up in I want to be with my babies oh except for my holiday.

I would also consider you lived together and your child had a close relationship with her grandparents....did you never leave them alone with her then? Surely both your child and them miss this closeness is that good for your daughter?

A perfect route to separation I wonder if it applies to he must do feed, nappies etc my way as I'm the boss I clicked my fingers he needs to shut up and jump.

What are you blathering on about?

It is exactly this. Had I heard less of the 'comments' about how I parent or how I generally am or how my kid is, I really think this issue would've been better handled. The comments aren't said in an upfront horrible way, but they're 100% snarky.
But now I'm in my head about it. I really don't think it's a power play move, I think this is me trying to stand up for myself.

Some of my favourite memories from childhood were staying at my grandparents house. Wonderful memories! Maybe you think she's too young at 3, but I certainly wouldn't rule it out in the future. It's a nice thing for everyone - her, them, you get a bit of a break.

This x100

Coming back to this thread and I think you need to have a word with your DH. Explain in very simple and straightforward terms how you felt when you were staying with his parents and how they made you feel, both as a mother and as a person. You cannot change how they made you feel and it is because they disregarded your feelings as a new parent, and allowed you to make your own mistakes and learn from those mistakes and how they decided that their ways and rules were better that you're feeling this way. You cannot help how you feel about them now and perhaps in time things will be better but for the time being, you are seeing this repeated badgering to have your 3yr old sleeping over is to you another time where they want to take the reins and even though you've said no, they have persisted.

See if a conversation with your DH makes any difference to how things are and how you can all move forwards.

@jannier I said she gets to decide with her oh. So you can stop extrapolating.

The notion that a woman and a man have to kowtow to what everyone else wants once they are parents is hogwash. They are the parents. They do what suits them. You don't give up your agency to the preferences of others just because you're a parent.

Frankly, grandparents pestering for a child to sleepover is not supportive. It's demanding. And slightly weird if they don't accept the answer.

As the primary carer you think she has the say ...

But oh says yes so now what?

Does the oh's preferences override the op's?

It's between them to work out. But if there is a problem with the gps and the op feels instinctively it's not right, then she needs to be heard.

The gps need to back off and stop making demands it's actually out of order to make demands on other people and their dcs when they've been told no.

And it seems the gps are unpleasant to the op.

The op and her chidl are a package at this young age. You can't be unpleasant to the mother and expect access to her child. They'd get a firm sod off from me too.

The post I quoted literally made no sense. It sounded like it was posted when you were drunk or something

So is that what it meant, that you don’t think the parent has the right to decide?

DD is spending quality time with in laws, without my presence. And I do get this, but even if I'm not swimming I want to watch.
OP kindly, your wee girl as she grows will do lots without you, having involved GPs is a positive thing in her life. You're her mum and always will be, an overnight at grans doesn't take anything away from you.
It's a bit selfish to frame it all as YOU missing out.

No the post I replied to said the mother as primary carer should choose as in it's nothing to do with dad....I have said before that they need to talk about it as they are both parents not just mum....who has used the in laws when it suited her now claiming she can't bear to sleep apart ...yet a holiday without DD was fine.

OP, because you have self doubts that's why posts that say you are BU is having some impact.
But you need to go with your gut here and stick with your instincts.

You didn't get to this point because they have been the loveliest of people, because they have been so uplifting and supportive of your choices and parenting.

You are having these doubts because your DH is putting pressure on you to go with his parents wishes.

Sit back and think, If your DH was in total agreement with you and gave you his own reasons why he agrees with you because he does not appreciate that they subtly or otherwise undermine or putdown the mother of his child, would you still be filled with all these doubts.

Once, you have that space and respect from your in-laws even your DH would notice the difference in confidence and trust in your interaction with his parents. He will eventually come around.

That's not going to happen when you are feeling forced. That's not going to happen when you are not ready.

There are times we have to go with our gut. And sometimes that means walking that road alone.

How often is an emergency likely to happen that justifies her being away from home in preparation, that is only to serve the GP?

@jannier i think the point here is a bit like that cup of tea advert that was on a few years ago, which related to sexual assault but the principle is the same. Saying yes to a cup of tea once doesn’t mean you need to accept every single cup of tea. Saying yes to or asking for help once doesn’t mean you are subsequently bound to accept any further offers or requests.

It doesn’t matter if people here think she shouldn’t have gone on holiday or whatever. People parent differently; I wouldn’t go on holiday without mine either but a yes once is not a yes every time and people do need to recognise this.

Why does it only serve the grandparents? I'm not saying the daughter should go now if OP feels 3 is too young - but give it a year or so and I think it would be lovely for everyone involved. As I said I used to love staying with my grandparents when I was very little. It was a real adventure. I still remember asking my parents "How many sleeps until I go to grandma's house?".
UNless there was something unpleasant about wither set of grandparents, I would always encourage the bond. Sleepovers are a lovely way to do this. I smile remembering my grandma bringing me a hot chocolate at bedtime and reading me a bedtime story.

So you're saying it's abuse? Her excuse is crap I can't bear not to sleep in the same building as my babies is not the truth ....she needs as I've said to be honest about her reasons and talk to her husband but someone who says something that doesn't add up is not going to be taken seriously she even started with saying she got on with her in-laws...or similar.... obviously she doesn't that's what she needs to address with DH.
It could be that the stress of having a stranger live with the in laws (many here can't stand a visitor for a night) has been too much, and has soured things

No, I’m not saying it’s abuse.

I am saying that saying yes once does not mean that the person who said yes is honour bound to always say yes.

I explained that the very same concept was used on an advert about abuse a few years ago, so I won’t incredulously say ‘where did you get abuse from’ but I will say it shows you skimmed over my reply to you.

She has been honest about her reasons. She doesn’t like the snarks aimed at her parenting.

I think @jannier has serious reading comprehension issues. Where did @notarisingfan say it was abuse?

I'd stop posting nonsense if I were you @jannier