Grandparents adamant for sleepover with toddler

[CuriousMummyy]

Got a straightforward one with a complication... (so not so straightforward!)

I have wonderful in laws. They love my DD who is 3 years old. We lived with them for a couple years so they grew really close to her. They were also really nice to me. However, we lived together for too long in my opinion and issues arised that didn't need to. There are definitely some unsaid bitter feelings/memories, but neither of us wants trouble or drama, so now that we have our own place, we've all overlooked it (in an unspoken sort of way) and we still get on thankfully.

So the issue I have is, the grandparents REALLY want her to sleep over. They initially wanted it regularly and I said no. I had another baby recently and they mentioned her sleeping over once a week and I said no. At that time, my reasoning more than anything was wanting my two kids close to me and not wanting my eldest to feel that now that the baby has come, she's not home for a night and is spending less time with me. So when I said no, I also explained this. They didn't understand it clearly but just sort of said okay, with the intention to revisit the idea in the future.

They live within driving distance but I would rather my child be in bed in their home. Unless there is a need for her to go or a reason e.g. I'm on holiday, I don't see why she should, other than them missing her. Which is really nice truly, but to me, that doesn't mean I should let her stay over. You miss her? Come and spend as much of the day as you want with her. For her to spend the night isn't necessary. She's also in school so weekdays don't leave much of the day.

I don't know if I don't want her to go out of me being too attached, safety (I trust them 1000% but it's a different feeling of security when your child is physically with you) and probably a few other reasons I can't remember right now.

Please tell me am I being unreasonable?!?
I really want to be grounded if I'm being a cow with no valid reasoning for not letting her stay, because she loves them. I don't think me saying no is a big deal, it's definitely not ideal for them but it's nothing to get upset over and call me "selfish" and "disrespectful" (politely said but I was super offended).

And to top it off, husband dearest would never have had an issue with this but since it's his parents and after it being bought up so many times, he's now saying she should be allowed to go and he's now exercising his right as her parent to say yes! As if I'm depriving her of something so huge. We go at least once a week, are in contact, I just don't want her sleeping over. And definitely don't want DD to think of sleeping over as a habit, for anyone's house! And she's only 3 years old.

Am I overthinking this? Do I just give them what I want even though for some reason I'm just not comfortable with it? Am I being a control freak?! Make it make sense please!

I think weekly is too much, but monthly would be nice for your DD surely?

My kids love staying at their grandparents house. They only live round the corner so they don’t really need to sleep over (unless DH and I are away), but they love it so much. They probably go no more than once a month, maybe less, as my parents have busy social lives.

I feel really lucky that I can go to friends weddings and nights out and things with DH and have trusted babysitters available. We lived abroad for a while and had zero family help so I’m very grateful.

And when we had to take DS to hospital, I knew I didn’t have to worry about DD at all as she was so comfortable with my parents looking after her! I’m sure your in-laws would help in an emergency, but I wouldn’t push away willing babysitters to be honest as they might not be so willing when you decide you do want a child free weekend.

OP what strikes me is that you don’t seem 100% confident about your place in DD’s life and your importance to her.

her grandparents can take her swimming without you as many times as they like, she is never going to love them more than she loves you. You are her mum, her connection to you is stronger than any other connection she has.

the example of swimming stood out to me because my parents have taken my children swimming without me many times. It’s never bothered me. I’m glad they had a lovely time. I don’t think my children will love me any less becuse I wasn’t there.

of course they want to build nice memories and times with her. They know you come first to her. They just want to
build their own relationship with her which is based on the fact that they are her grandparents.

my grandparents treated me to lots of things. I still knew I needed my mum the most out of anyone in my life.

YABU. Total power play and depriving your own daughter of quality time her grandparents. Plus, stubbornness and low self esteem.

@dontcryformeargentina that low self esteem is probably down to the grandparents on how they comment on OP’s parenting.

Grandparents are important in DC lives but only if they are supportive, not if they are demanding. Also they shouldn’t be demanding that they have alone time with them. Is that because they want to pretend to be parents again?

Your child’s relationship with grandparents will always be different to her relationship with you and her dad.

I loved my grandma, and used to go to stay for at least part of each school holiday. She had time to teach me stuff like sewing and jam making. But I wouldn’t have wanted to live there full time!

If there’s a way to put the past firmly behind you- I would. Living together is difficult!!

I'm still confused about whether they're calling you names like selfish or not. Calling names is completely inappropriate and would change the whole tone.

3 is quite young and depends on what the child is like at night.

Assuming they're not horrid people who call you names, I'd probably suggest starting from age 4. I'd personally be grateful for the help. I'd diplomatically say they're still a bit young. Btw it's your kid, it's up to you and DH, not grandparents.

I think you need to decide at what age you would be comfortable with sleepovers. Maybe once DC start school? Also weekly is too much. So say no to that but maybe once a month so you and DH have some quality time together or once every 2 months. Once a week is too much if they are at school or nursery all week then at grandparents for a day at the weekend. They need quality time with their parents too. Also if they are making critical comments to you or 'taking over', of course you will feel reluctant to them having a greater role in your family life. Your DH needs to address this with them and then push back immediately on any comments as and when they are said. If the comments continue then you pull back from them a bit as a family. This is a natural and healthy reaction. Good luck

Why if his instinct is different is mother's more important?

@jannier maybe he is just used to saying yes to his parents. They sound very demanding so he may just have grown up accepting their demands

I think it's not his instincts are more important but I personally think this kind of thing is a two yes situation. Both need to be comfortable with it

This is more about your feelings for your in laws and feeling hurt do you subconsciously want to get back at them? If it's okay when your going on holiday it's not really about wanting to always be with your child as you would have taken her on holiday ....for most a one night sleepover is more normal than a child free holiday.

Or turn it around by op saying no who is she thinking most of herself or her DD and DH? Why does the man have no say?

My children when they were younger loved staying with parents in law for one night. They’d see it as a treat, pack a little bag and get spoilt rotten. They didn’t mind at if it was on their own or whether two of them went etc. they never ever saw it as being pushed out & have a lovely relationship with grandparents. They are teens now & don’t want stay over but go for a few hours.

Mines 8 and she hasn't yet slept at grandparents without us, partly as they live around 2hrs away and when little we didn't want her so far away, now she's older as much as she loves her grandparents she doesn't want to sleep over.
Your call as her parents, she doesn't NEED to sleep over to maintain their relationship.

This is a great point. I'd never have dreamed of going on holiday without my children. Holidays are for us as a family. (Obv I don't mean a weekend away with friends now and again). There's a huge inconsistency there in the OP's views.

Then they need to sit and discuss the true reason for the no like adults.....a yes for a holiday make it an odd reasoning for a no at other times....the op needs to discuss the real issue.
Is it okay for her to use this to overall all parental decisions so effectively always gets her way....coercive control if a man did it.

Why assume that rather than he can see a different view.

Very true that they need to sit and discuss the actual reasons and find something that works for them both and it does seem to me that OP realises now it's probably the past guiding her feelings.

Yes this is my feeling too.

If she didn't trust her in laws to look after the child, that would be different

But it seems to be more - you can have her when it suits me but not when you want to - which is really just a power play.

Absolutely reasonable not to want to do a night every week but always wanting it to be your terms is a surefire way to stop having grandparents who want your kids overnight which I can tell the OP from bitter experience, is really tiring and can be quite isolating

@jannier because anyone who thinks it is normal for grandparents to demand that they have a weekly sleepover with 3 yo grandchild and that it is acceptable to continually demand that has probably grown up with demanding parents and gives into them

She's your DD and you have every right to feel the way you do and set boundaries. If it were me I'd say something like it won't be happening until she's 5 (or whatever suits you) and not to ask again. My DC had wonderful GPs but they were probably at secondary school before they ever slept over.

But of course it has to be k the op's terms and when it suits her. She's the primary carer. She does all the graft. It's her child. She gets to decide with her oh.

This isnt all about you and your wants op (well from your mesaages it clearly is nit it shouldn't be). If DD enjoys going, the grandparents want her there and can be trusted to care for her and DH is happy for her to go, then the answer should be yes and not just blocked by you. It sounds like you dislike the parents and want to only use them when it suits. It doesn't have to be frequently but to have a complete ban on sleepevers except when it suits you to enable your holiday is ridiculous. You lost your argument when you were happy to use them for childcare to go on holiday

Maybe not regularly like every single week, but once or twice sounds like a nice treat for your daughter.
If you think she'd enjoy it and be happy there and you trust the grandparents then why wouldn't you let her go?
I think maybe your feelings towards them are getting in the way a bit? x

Once or twice a month, that meant to say. But thinking about it now, probably just once a month on average!