Grandparents adamant for sleepover with toddler

[CuriousMummyy]

Got a straightforward one with a complication... (so not so straightforward!)

I have wonderful in laws. They love my DD who is 3 years old. We lived with them for a couple years so they grew really close to her. They were also really nice to me. However, we lived together for too long in my opinion and issues arised that didn't need to. There are definitely some unsaid bitter feelings/memories, but neither of us wants trouble or drama, so now that we have our own place, we've all overlooked it (in an unspoken sort of way) and we still get on thankfully.

So the issue I have is, the grandparents REALLY want her to sleep over. They initially wanted it regularly and I said no. I had another baby recently and they mentioned her sleeping over once a week and I said no. At that time, my reasoning more than anything was wanting my two kids close to me and not wanting my eldest to feel that now that the baby has come, she's not home for a night and is spending less time with me. So when I said no, I also explained this. They didn't understand it clearly but just sort of said okay, with the intention to revisit the idea in the future.

They live within driving distance but I would rather my child be in bed in their home. Unless there is a need for her to go or a reason e.g. I'm on holiday, I don't see why she should, other than them missing her. Which is really nice truly, but to me, that doesn't mean I should let her stay over. You miss her? Come and spend as much of the day as you want with her. For her to spend the night isn't necessary. She's also in school so weekdays don't leave much of the day.

I don't know if I don't want her to go out of me being too attached, safety (I trust them 1000% but it's a different feeling of security when your child is physically with you) and probably a few other reasons I can't remember right now.

Please tell me am I being unreasonable?!?
I really want to be grounded if I'm being a cow with no valid reasoning for not letting her stay, because she loves them. I don't think me saying no is a big deal, it's definitely not ideal for them but it's nothing to get upset over and call me "selfish" and "disrespectful" (politely said but I was super offended).

And to top it off, husband dearest would never have had an issue with this but since it's his parents and after it being bought up so many times, he's now saying she should be allowed to go and he's now exercising his right as her parent to say yes! As if I'm depriving her of something so huge. We go at least once a week, are in contact, I just don't want her sleeping over. And definitely don't want DD to think of sleeping over as a habit, for anyone's house! And she's only 3 years old.

Am I overthinking this? Do I just give them what I want even though for some reason I'm just not comfortable with it? Am I being a control freak?! Make it make sense please!

I think you give it time :). Time is a healer!

I would say yes. Ad hoc though. On your terms. Certainly nothing set in stone. I would have killed for it tbh, but in 13 years no one ever offered to have mine.
I think it's really good for young DC to spend time away from their parents so it doesn't become a big thing. Good to know they are part of a bigger picture. But again, all on your terms.

Why don't you even go with once a week in school holidays... or once a fortnight.

Definitely don't shoot yourself in the foot with this one as who knows when you may want a babysitter for you and DH to spend time together or attend an event.

If they see you as being difficult they may be too. I say this as someone who has only my parents as a babysitter so often miss out on social events.

I think people are missing the part where they had the child to sleep over when the parents went on holiday and when the OP was in labour - it does smack of you can only have her when it’s for our benefit not just for fun . If the OP trusts them enough to leave her there while she went away on holiday I can’t see why she doesn’t trust them all the time .

You get over your resentment the same way they've had to. You're not allowing the child to sleep over because you don't want to give them what they want because you can.
You need to grow up and realize life is too short for this nonsense. Get over your own shit honestly and stop being mean because you can.

yeah exactly. That is just disrespectful and they get lots of credit being the bigger people here.

Why don't you settle on 1 night per month for now and see how it goes op

If you can go away on holiday and leave your toddler then I think you can allow the odd sleepover. Maybe once a month.

Hi @CuriousMummyy .I don't want to be harsh - especially as there are obviously unresolved issues - but I think that not allowing it is bordering on being a little bit barmy, especially if your little one qould enjoy it! I expect it's really rather upsetting for your in-laws, and likely quite offensive to them. It sounds ike you need to decide to either confront the unsaid issues head on, or decide for your own (and everyone else's) wellbeing to just park it and move on. Obviously you haven't shared the issues, so I know that that could be easer said than done!

Also - the sooner you allow your children to stay elsewhere the better! They become much more comfortable much more quickly, which (aside from the obvious benefits for your children and your in-laws) makes it much easier when there will inevitably be times that you really need an overnight stay.

Could you find a way of easing in to it? My little one is adopted, and we eased in to grandparent sleepovers by letting him stay there later and later, little by little. Firstly staying for tea, then staying for tea and story, then tea, story and bed. Eventually leading to the full night. Maybe something like that could help ease the transition for you as well as your DC?

What?!
She is 3 years old, fgs!!

MN can really be crazy sometimes.

Grandma here.

MIL needs to wind her neck in until you and your 3 year old want to, and then it's her time to love every minute of it.

I really think at 3 they need to be at home where possible. Grandmas time will come.

Your dd is an autonomous person in her own right, not an extension of you, and this will become more pronounced as she grows.

They know her as grandparents, and their experiences of her and their relationship with her will be different from your relationship with her. They will see a different side to her, and in that respect they will know her in a way that you don't. But that is totally natural, and it happens to every child as they grow and develop bonds with people other than their parent(s).

Why would she feel pushed out? You aren't pushing her out. She would be having a special treat that her baby sibling can't have, and the undivided attention of two loving grandparents.

I reckon you need to re-think your position on this.

DD and my mum couldn’t be closer or have a more wonderful relationship. Mum lives 20 minutes away, I trust her completely and we see her once or twice a week. DD’s never stayed over there, or anywhere else away from us, shes 5, she doesn’t want to yet and mum’s never asked though I expect she’d be happy to. When we had DS and we were in hospital overnight mum stayed here for a couple of nights.

You do what feels right when you’re ready and not a moment before. Overnights are not an essential part of a GP/GC relationship. The more someone pushed the more I’d say no.

Why? Is there a reason why she can’t back him up?

It's a bit sad that you are happy to use their overnight babysitting services when you need it, but won't say yes at other times.

If she's only 3, and she had a good relationship with them from you all living together, it's probably a tough transition for her not seeing them so much. You may have had your frustrations from living together but they are just grandma and grandpa to her, living in a house that she'd also regard as her home.

So yes, I think you should allow it sometimes.

I also think it's really important for children to feel comfortable sleeping somewhere else in case of an emergency. My eldest had to go and live with grandparents on zero notice for 2 months whilst we lived in hospital (not local) with her sibling. We knew she'd be happy and safe, already had 'her' room, and that made it far easier than if we'd been restrictive about their contact.

Staying over maybe every fortnight or during the school holidays sounds fine to me personally.

Sorry did you say they're calling you names like selfish? Have I misread that?

Here is a suggestion - why don't you drop your 3 yr old over to them at say 10am and say that you'll be back to collect her later on at around 9:30 or 10pm?

They will have had a full day of spending time with their grandchild while she is awake - there really isn't much looking after when a child is asleep now is there? They want to spend time with their grandchild, then spend time with her while she is awake and can enjoy spending time with Nanna & Grandad.

They can feed her, spend time with her, take her out or do stuff indoors but she doesn't need to sleep there.

Suggest this as a step towards her being able to sleep over with them. Repeat, repeat, repeat and before you know it, she'll be 5 or 6 and she will be too busy with her friends and school and after school activities to be able to spend time sleeping over (or by that point you'll be too busy with your youngest one to be as worried about her as you are now).

Just a suggestion mind you.

You shouldn’t feel pushed into it at all. It is only if you’re comfortable as it’s purely for her grandparents.
I’d be more inclined to wait until she’s older and can have more of a say if she wants to stay.
Also in an emergency couldn’t her grandparents look after her, in your home. That’s what we’ve done with DC who’s been babysat a few times in his own home. I don’t see the need for sleepovers at such a young age unless all three parties are happy with it (Grandparents, parents and child).

it's nothing to get upset over and call me "selfish" and "disrespectful" (politely said but I was super offended)

he's now saying she should be allowed to go and he's now exercising his right as her parent to say yes!

So they're calling you 'selfish' and your dh is basically saying FU, he'll make the decisions?

Thanks for your honesty.

Truly, she adjusted really well to not living with them lol. I didn't think she would be cos she loves them but she took it well. Maybe because we saw them often.

I do see what you're saying, I do not want them to feel like I'm using their 'services' at my disposal, as and when I feel like I can. But why do I feel like I'm being bullied into this? Multiple no's clearly mean no, so why continue to ask my husband? Who then says it to me and we end up arguing about it.
And of course DD would love it, she gets to play non stop. And I'm happy, which is why I let her go whenever we get a chance. Maybe it's because in laws are being pushy? And it's already something I don't want as it is.

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense. The control thing might be an aspect here because I feel there have been times where things have been said or done in a way for me to 'know my place'. E.g. swimming without me, so DD is spending quality time with in laws, without my presence. And I do get this, but even if I'm not swimming I want to watch. Making me feel overbearing for wanting to do things with my child is what puts me off giving them all this access to her maybe. And yes this feeling is definitely a thing and not just in my head, I promise lol.

I agree with this too OP. it does sound like you don't want her to stay with them because things didn't work out so well while you were living with them, which is a bit unfair to your Daughter, really. Her relationship will be different with them than you - that is normal. You are still her parent but it would be good to give her different experiences with other people who love her?

I know my DC are young adults now, but I think it's a bit odd that grandparents expect regular sleepovers (weekly!!) is odd.

For working parents the weekend is their family time, yes you may visit family or have visitors in that time but unless it's for a reason I don't get it.

I know it's only my opinion, and admittedly neither my DPs or ILs offered to babysit (as both were too busy with other grandkids, but that's while other thread!)

My grandchildren are 2 1/2 yrs and 9months old. Oldest one has come to us every Monday during the day for the last year and a half. He first came for sleepovers when his mum ( DIL) was heavily pregnant with baby 2 and stayed with us for 2 nights when she went into labour. They are both asleep upstairs in our house right now. They came at 3.30 and will be here until 3.30 tomorrow . Youngest has been coming for sleepovers since he was 16 weeks old. They will both be with us every Monday once DILs mat leave is over in January. My son and DIL are out at a tribute band this evening with other son and DIL and other grandparents. They have been to 4 weddings this year, a date night and to see another band, because we were able to have the children for sleepovers. I absolutely adore my grandchildren. But they are just that. I had my 2 boys and being a parent is a million times harder than being a grandparent. They know I'm granny. Mummy and daddy are the centre of their world. I absolutely couldn't take their place even if I wanted to ( which I absolutely dont) and they know that, which is why they are currently out. No one can take your place Op so you can put that out of your mind. As others have said, it is very handy to have somewhere safe and familiar they can go in case of emergency. I stayed with my grandparents from the age of 3. It was wonderful. I have hugely happy memories of time spent with them with my brothers. Your daughter will love it and it won't diminish you as mummy. That belongs only to you.

One day you may need emergency childcare (for either child) and you will need them to be used to being there. Way more stress for you if not.

Please read your post back and see how many times you use the word ‘I’.