Grandparents adamant for sleepover with toddler

[CuriousMummyy]

Got a straightforward one with a complication... (so not so straightforward!)

I have wonderful in laws. They love my DD who is 3 years old. We lived with them for a couple years so they grew really close to her. They were also really nice to me. However, we lived together for too long in my opinion and issues arised that didn't need to. There are definitely some unsaid bitter feelings/memories, but neither of us wants trouble or drama, so now that we have our own place, we've all overlooked it (in an unspoken sort of way) and we still get on thankfully.

So the issue I have is, the grandparents REALLY want her to sleep over. They initially wanted it regularly and I said no. I had another baby recently and they mentioned her sleeping over once a week and I said no. At that time, my reasoning more than anything was wanting my two kids close to me and not wanting my eldest to feel that now that the baby has come, she's not home for a night and is spending less time with me. So when I said no, I also explained this. They didn't understand it clearly but just sort of said okay, with the intention to revisit the idea in the future.

They live within driving distance but I would rather my child be in bed in their home. Unless there is a need for her to go or a reason e.g. I'm on holiday, I don't see why she should, other than them missing her. Which is really nice truly, but to me, that doesn't mean I should let her stay over. You miss her? Come and spend as much of the day as you want with her. For her to spend the night isn't necessary. She's also in school so weekdays don't leave much of the day.

I don't know if I don't want her to go out of me being too attached, safety (I trust them 1000% but it's a different feeling of security when your child is physically with you) and probably a few other reasons I can't remember right now.

Please tell me am I being unreasonable?!?
I really want to be grounded if I'm being a cow with no valid reasoning for not letting her stay, because she loves them. I don't think me saying no is a big deal, it's definitely not ideal for them but it's nothing to get upset over and call me "selfish" and "disrespectful" (politely said but I was super offended).

And to top it off, husband dearest would never have had an issue with this but since it's his parents and after it being bought up so many times, he's now saying she should be allowed to go and he's now exercising his right as her parent to say yes! As if I'm depriving her of something so huge. We go at least once a week, are in contact, I just don't want her sleeping over. And definitely don't want DD to think of sleeping over as a habit, for anyone's house! And she's only 3 years old.

Am I overthinking this? Do I just give them what I want even though for some reason I'm just not comfortable with it? Am I being a control freak?! Make it make sense please!

I think if it's something she would enjoy then if let her go, but not as often as once a week.

Why not get into a habit of letting her go one night during the school holidays?

I totally agree with this.

I also don't see why your choice here outweighs your dh, the father. Surely he's allowed to make decisions regarding his dd?

Why do grandparents have a right to demand a sleepover? Surely if a mum says sometime in the future that should be enough for grandparents, why do they have to keep putting pressure on? And if DH is saying yes to his parents who is he thinking most of, his parents or his DD?

This is enough.

Tell them you feel she is too little and you are going to wait until she’s a bit older. That’s the end of it. And you tell your husband that the absolute red line here is that neither of you EVER try to overrule the other on something like this. If it’s not two genuine yesses, then it’s a no. That would go for him not being happy about your parents doing X, and him excepting you to back him up.

You saying that you want to be able to let his parents realise that they can’t divide and conquer is a pretty damn good reason actually. If these been tension like this, then this is actually a good way to sort it. Say no until you are ready to say yea. Absolutely do not let him make the mistake of being seen by his parents as being prepared to go against you if they nag hard enough. He’ll really live to regret that one I can tell you!

I am voting YABU as I am jealous. Neither my parents or PIL have ever taken any of my children overnight ☹️

Haha, me too.

This seems like such a non problem - my child has grandparents who just love her too much and are too keen to babysit

I’m a single parent and my mum and dad helped with childcare once a week from 6 months old. Once she was a little older, about 2 I think, dd started having overnights once a week.

It gave me a break and was a lovely bonding experience for them all. She has been away in the caravan on holidays with them. Thankfully it meant she was happy to stay when I was unexpectedly admitted to hospital (once for nearly a month!).

She is now 13 and never stays over as covid put an end to overnights and she is now a grumpy teenager! But I am so glad that they had those times together and they have a really close bond.

I think once a week is quite a lot. My DD stays with my PILs around once a month and it's a nice treat. Sometimes an extra night if me and DH have a rare night out. I think it's what you feel comfortable with and what feels right for your family.

This grandchildren sleeping over thing is one I find very odd. It crops up frequently here, but in all my life I've never known anyone with parents or ILs who have made this demand. Is it a cultural quirk? I'm Irish, living in the US, and hand on heart, I've never come across it.

If this doesn't work for you for any reason, OP, say no. There's plenty of time for that sort of malarkey when everyone is older and more independent and grandparents ts are less likely to see the baby or toddler or small child as a shiny toy you're unfairly keeping to yourself.

This.

With bells on.

I think staying over at grandparents is a lovely thing, so long as it's a safe trusting environment.

I can understand why you don't want it to be an every week sort of arrangement but maybe once every few weeks would be a good compromise? Or during school holidays?

I’d be asking my husband why his parents feelings matter more to him than mine do.

Sure, say no, put your foot down. Piss everyone off, then make sure to be shocked and surprised when you're left high and dry for childcare next time you want to go on holiday without your kid.

If nothing else, as your little one is getting older, you're making a rod for your own back if you want her to be happy and settled on very occasional overnights away from you, without having build that security in for her via more regular ones somewhere safe and familiar 🤷🏻‍♀️

It seems a bit unfair on your daughter and all about you having control.

What is it with some grandparents wanting weekly sleepovers? I really don't get it, my mil won't drop it either and has for the past 6 months. He's only one!

Grandparents are truly wonderful people for a child to have a good relationship with. Personally I think you should put your previous issues aside and let your child go and make many more precious memories with them x

No. Stick with what you are comfortable with.

Why are the gos so insistent on a sleepover? Why isn't seeing your dd in the daytime enough?

Always pushing for more.

A wonderful relationship with gos doesn't depend on sleeping over.

It's up to you.

But I'm really glad my kids got used to staying with grandparents. I know kids that didn't and they are an absolute nightmare if their parents want/need to leave them with a relative now. Crying for hours. Mine are fine and happy.

This is harsh, but - I'm sorry, OP - I think there's a fair bit of truth in it. My three never had sleepovers anywhere when small either, and I do kind of agree with those saying they don't see the need - we certainly didn't see one. The fact that you lived with them does change things, in that overnights are going to be much more familiar and 'homelike' than they might be otherwise. Given all that, and the fact that you've been happy enough to use them for overnight childcare when it's suited you, I do think there's a bit of a power play going on here, OP, sorry. You're using this to establish control you feel was taken from you. You know really that even one overnight a week (which is a bit much and I would also have reservations about a fixed schedule, but that's by the by) isn't going to challenge your role as the parents. But you feel some kind of psychological rebalancing in denying them any overnights (except those on your terms). Of course it's your perfect right to do so, but I'd be asking myself, IIWY, whether that is in your long-term interests and, more importantly, those of your child.

If grandparents keep demanding something that wouldn’t encourage me to let them have a relationship with DC

I'm sure this won't be you Op but....I have a friend who is a MIL. When the first grandchild was born they weren't allowed to visit for 2 weeks. They were kept at arms length when the second child was born. If they went to visit they had to stay elsewhere. Now DIL has children who are 7 and 8 and she is desperate for the grandparents to be involved. She wants to go on a exotic holiday ( Maldives, Mauritius type destination) but she moved them all hours and hours drive away and the grandchildren just don't have the sort of relationship with their grandparents that means they can stay with them ,minus parents, for two weeks. The grandparents are happy seeing the grandchildren a couple of times a year and just aren't bothered with more having been kept at arms length for so long.

That depends on the grandparents. You presumably don’t think all parents are wonderful, why would all grandparents be? My own were pretty awful at times, because they didn’t respect my parents.

I hope I can help here, got 4 kids and although I cannot remember exactly when the once every fortnight stop overs (later to become weekly) started for my oldest two a son and a daughter (a year apart, but similar age developmentally) - I suspect they might have been a bit older - maybe 4 and 5, BUT I had a similar thing to you (i.e. the kids loved their grandparents, who had been heavily involved from the outset and I had no issues with safety or caring, and I lived 20 mins drive away). What I have come here to say is my four are all grown up now (18-27) and one thing they really love reminiscing about is time spent at Nana and Grandad's house. I was extremely protective of them as children, I just needed them near me, so to even ask this of me was a "bit of an ask" but I let them do it. And I think it was glorious for them in every way, and in time I realised how much they loved it, and how much I had a bit more free time to deal with my younger two. N&G used to pick them up from nursery or school, they would be treated in small ways - given food that was exactly to their tasting (FGS N used to peel grapes for them !), taken to do what we might think old fashioned things (getting conkers and having conker fights, learning to ride their bikes), watching a video before bed, being wrapped up warm with a hot water bottle, being read to until they fell asleep, and just being made to be the most important people in the world. It is honestly one of the best things I have ever done - for my children, and for N & G who really love them, and just wanted that chance to show it, and it took a bit of trust and courage to do it, but it is so worthwhile. The bond that they get lasts a lifetime. My third also did some of the same, much younger (probably 3) and it was all good - although DC3 slightly annoyed the older children somewhat being 6 years younger, but they had some happy times. DC4 (7 years younger) was altogether too difficult to throw into the happy mix, not a sleeper, not a sharer and as the older children pointed out "will just ruin everything that we've got going on", so I often ended up with just him at home, thumping and squawking his way through the evening before tiring himself out for bed. I have rambled on here about my own experience, but PLEASE let them do it. The dedicated love, care, bond and experiences are so worth it, and last a lifetime. As ever, always have the speed dial, and be prepared to pick up - although to be fair to N & G, they put up with some things better than I would have done as a parent. Really hope this helps xxxx