Grandparents adamant for sleepover with toddler

[CuriousMummyy]

Got a straightforward one with a complication... (so not so straightforward!)

I have wonderful in laws. They love my DD who is 3 years old. We lived with them for a couple years so they grew really close to her. They were also really nice to me. However, we lived together for too long in my opinion and issues arised that didn't need to. There are definitely some unsaid bitter feelings/memories, but neither of us wants trouble or drama, so now that we have our own place, we've all overlooked it (in an unspoken sort of way) and we still get on thankfully.

So the issue I have is, the grandparents REALLY want her to sleep over. They initially wanted it regularly and I said no. I had another baby recently and they mentioned her sleeping over once a week and I said no. At that time, my reasoning more than anything was wanting my two kids close to me and not wanting my eldest to feel that now that the baby has come, she's not home for a night and is spending less time with me. So when I said no, I also explained this. They didn't understand it clearly but just sort of said okay, with the intention to revisit the idea in the future.

They live within driving distance but I would rather my child be in bed in their home. Unless there is a need for her to go or a reason e.g. I'm on holiday, I don't see why she should, other than them missing her. Which is really nice truly, but to me, that doesn't mean I should let her stay over. You miss her? Come and spend as much of the day as you want with her. For her to spend the night isn't necessary. She's also in school so weekdays don't leave much of the day.

I don't know if I don't want her to go out of me being too attached, safety (I trust them 1000% but it's a different feeling of security when your child is physically with you) and probably a few other reasons I can't remember right now.

Please tell me am I being unreasonable?!?
I really want to be grounded if I'm being a cow with no valid reasoning for not letting her stay, because she loves them. I don't think me saying no is a big deal, it's definitely not ideal for them but it's nothing to get upset over and call me "selfish" and "disrespectful" (politely said but I was super offended).

And to top it off, husband dearest would never have had an issue with this but since it's his parents and after it being bought up so many times, he's now saying she should be allowed to go and he's now exercising his right as her parent to say yes! As if I'm depriving her of something so huge. We go at least once a week, are in contact, I just don't want her sleeping over. And definitely don't want DD to think of sleeping over as a habit, for anyone's house! And she's only 3 years old.

Am I overthinking this? Do I just give them what I want even though for some reason I'm just not comfortable with it? Am I being a control freak?! Make it make sense please!

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with repeated demands for a sleepover either.

Simply put - she's your child and that's all there is to it. At 3 there's simply no need for her to be regularly staying anywhere other than with her parents. What does sleeping over offer that's "extra" at this stage? It's not like she's old enough to stay up late and watch films and eat snacks, like a proper "sleepover".

I have very fond memories of staying with grandparents but because we lived a couple of hours away, my parents always stayed too. It was lovely, actually, having multigenerational quality time for all of us. It wasn't this weird recent obsession you see with some grandparents who feel entitled to demand time alone overnights, as though that's the only way to bond.

I agree with this
Demanding alone time with other peoples kids is honestly strange at best

I don't get why they need to stay the night - I don't understand this.

My parents and my partners parents do anything they can to get out of a sleep over though.....!!!!!

It’s a personal thing. I’m with you personally, I just feel comfortable knowing my kids are upstairs in their beds nearby! Some people don’t get it and would wonder why I don’t have them sleeping at my in laws more often, it’s an occasional thing. I do enjoy going out and having a lie in etc, but honestly I prefer them home!

Mine are 4 and 6 and only ever slept at home. Bed time routine is so important. They are getting to an age where it would be ok now but then no one ever pressured us for sleepovers.

As she's done it before I would feel bad about saying no. I do think however that once a week is way too often and will establish it in a way that will then be hard to change.

Personally I would say yes but... Only in the holidays so you aren't disrupting routines and then only once or twice per holiday. So e.g. twice in the summer, one each for half term, Christmas and Easter. So a total of 6 times per year. But this is dependent on travel time. If over an hour away I would be more wary of being so far away.

However as soon as they start feeling entitled to it I would reduce it again.

The only excuse you need is that you don't want to. You like having her home with you. You are very grateful for their help previously but you considered it an emergency and you are so glad that they are there to help in those kinds of circumstances.

Having lived with her grandparents for years previously, your DD must be very comfortable with them. I can also imagine that the grandparents probably really miss her, having lived with her for the majority of her life.

If your DD would enjoy it, I don't really see why you wouldn't

My kids have four grandparents none of whom have babysat at all for more than about 30 mins so I always find myself a bit baffled by why anyone would push away willing grandparents.

I guess I also think they gave clearly done you a huge favour by housing you for years so it feels a bit cold to say that they can only have their grandchild to stay when it suits you/you want to go away.

Your feelings are valid. Don't cave to them just because you are being told that's the more rational thing to do. The fact they're putting pressure on you for weekly sleepovers makes it clear that this isn't about "giving you a break" (assuming you even need one!) or acting in your child's best interests, it's for the grandparents to have what they want. They aren't all that interested in your or your child's feelings.

I do think it would be great to have the option of them as somewhere she could sleep over when needed/wanted. It's important for kids to have a range of reliable, loving grownups they are close and comfortable with. Good for parents too. So yes I think build towards the odd sleepover but it really really needs to be on your and your child's terms, not the grandparents'. Once a week is absurd if you don't want or need it. There's no reason to say yes to that, especially if it makes you uncomfortable.

So you let her stay when it suits you, like when you went on holiday but say she needs to be safe at home when you don’t need a babysitter. I don’t agree with them being pushy but you are making up excuses as you don’t like them. Having a sleepover is not them taking over. I can see why your husband thinks you are unreasonable.

This, I find it really odd.

They should support you not use your vulnerability to pressure you again for sleepovers you’re obviously not keen on. They’ve had their children and this is up to you.

If she wants to stay, then let her. If she's in school then she's old enough to know what she wants. She will form a stronger bond with grandparents. It will be a special treat for her and them.
You'll get special time with baby too.
My kids absolutely LOVE staying at grandparents. They have the best time.
Yes, I do miss them loads and sometimes I don't want them to go, but I still let them.

My GDs have slept over at mine from being a few weeks old.

OP, the key thing here is you don't feel comfortable with it right now.
You haven't gotten over/healed from experiences while you lived with them. Seems you still need more time. Giving in to them now because they are putting pressure on you and DH doing the same, is not going to help that healing. It would make you more resentful and could end up damaging the relationship you have with your in-laws eventually.
Reading through your posts, i get it. You are her mum. Not MIL, not FIL. They should not act like they know her better than you. And if that is their attitude, they are likely to override your wishes when it comes to your DD.
She needs to be with you now, so she doesn't subconsciously feel the baby is pushing her out. That's a feeling that can last even if as an adult she can't pinpoint why she feels so.

Your DH needs to understand that there are things that you are still hurt by that keep getting refreshed by the way his parents behave with DD. You need time to heal from that. And time to establish with DD that you are her mum. You (and DH of course) are her parents.

You are not in the wrong here at all.

@Kitkat1523 did you demand it?

Gently, I think YABU but only if she wants to go. If she is upset at the idea of going then that would be different.

You’re joking aren’t you😂…. I was 50 when my 9 year old GD was born and 53 when the other 2 came along….I was still working full time…..but my DD asked as she was completly knackered (and prob had a bit of PND)so what can you say 🤷‍♀️…..they are 9, 6 and 5 now and stay over regularly at their own request or their parents…..I don’t think I’ve ever asked if they can sleep…..they are here enough as it is. I think my eldest DD was 3 weeks at her first sleepover….it was hard work with all them night feeds.

You could start the occasional one night every couple of months - so for now not a regular schedule that has to be kept to.

When she’s a little older maybe a once a month schedule.

Ease into it but make sure you stay firm with what you are comfortable with.

Then not a comparable situation

I think if you reframe it as a treat, you'll feel like you have - and you'll appear to have - gained some control over it. If your husband insists, and then you cave, you'll feel like you've been done over. And as you've reframed it as a big treat, that's an occasional, not regular thing...right? And more importantly - does your daughter want to go? Good luck xx

I think I’m with dh. I think you are depriving her of something. My kids LOVE going to stay with their grandparents and cousins. Particularly if they get to go without their siblings and have undivided attention - what a treat.
I also think it’s important for kids to have a level of independence and feel safe away from parents (in safe situations of course).
Would you feel differently if it was your parents asking and dh put his foot down and said no?

Your reasons and feelings are valid. No one wants to be pushed into anything. You're probably more wary because they initially wanted 1 night a week which is a huge amount of time. I'd try and work toward feeling okay with an occasional stay -- when you're comfortable.

My son was never away from us when he was small. I didn't see the need and he seemed so vulnerable and I didn't want grandparents intravenously feeding him with sugar at such a young age. He stayed a weekend with MIL at maybe 3 1/2 and will again soon at nearly 4. What's changed is he's older and more able to express himself and he was actually independently asking about going. My husband and I are also exhausted and could use the break (though we still have his 2yo sister with us

I feel the same as this. I understand some parents want a break but I'd never want my kids staying away from me when they're so young. Definitely don't agree to it OP if it doesn't sit right

💯 this comment. Could not have said it better

Yes this! What does the child want!