Refugee Guest puts 5 yr old to bed too late

[No1pugmum]

We’ve been happily hosting a refugee and her son for 18 months. He was 3 when they joined us, now 5. When they arrived. he regularly went to bed after 10pm and she asked me to help him have an earlier bedtime after I explained how it wasn't good for anyone that he was staying up so late. That worked and he was going to bed earlier. Fast forward to now. He’s in Reception, but he’s regularly up at 8:30, sometimes even later, on a school day. On Sunday he was still up and watching telly at 8:30 and, last night, I got home from taking my older daughter out and he was still up at 8pm, watching telly, not fed and still in his school uniform. I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. Her response was to say she can’t put him to bed earlier because she’s got online courses that need to be done at a certain time as other people are involved and the times can’t be changed. I appreciate she wants to better herself, but I don’t think she realises how much a late bedtime could be affecting her son’s development and well being. Should I continue to try to advise, or butt out? I feel like I’m failing him if it continues. Any advice is appreciated.

Yes there is a problem here! I also have a little boy in reception (my youngest) and they are exhausted by 7pm, he is having long tiring days that are mentally taxing for little ones. He needs his sleep and at this stage even school tell you they must have the opportunity to sleep for 12 hours each night as they physically need it to grow and develop. They may not need 12 hours each night but it should be available to them for when it’s needed, as in they should be in bed at a time that allows them to sleep for 12 hours. Frankly to be in uniform and not had his evening meal by 8pm at 5 years old is actually neglect! Kids are hungry after school, lunch is served as early as 11:50am for Reception class often so by 8pm he’s gone potentially 8 hours without eating. This has made me feel sad for the poor little guy just being left to sit alone staring at a TV hungry, tired and uncomfortable in his uniform 😕

You are deluded ! Most Mediterranean countries have dinner after 8 and kids are never in bed before 10:30 pm ! Are you telling millions of people they are neglectful simply because they don’t do the same as you ? People over there get shocked people in the U.K. put children to bed at 7 , it’s often a joke people in England don’t like their children ( I do not agree with this ) simply because they can’t wait to get rid of them in the evening .

Frankly to be in uniform and not had his evening meal by 8pm at 5 years old is actually neglect! Kids are hungry after school, lunch is served as early as 11:50am for Reception class often so by 8pm he’s gone potentially 8 hours without eating.

In Spain children often have dinner at 9-ish and go to bed at 10, sleeping until 7.30-8, but they don't go without food. They always have merienda after school, at 5-6, which is quite substantial. A bocadillo filled with ham and cheese, or tuna, and a little cake or fruit.

So parent like the British do or you are neglectful?

Preach!!!
I remember years ago, I was on holiday back in Portugal, and had taken my 5 year old niece to the cinema that day. Was texting a guy I was dating back in the UK about it.. How, once we finished the movie, we were gonna go shopping, and then for dinner with the rest of the family.

He was shocked, because the movie finished close to 7pm, and shouldnt she be in bed by now?!?!
We obviously were not sat down for dinner before 9pm, and my 5 year old niece might have gone to bed at midnight (it was a weekend).

She was fine, and completely used to it, and she would then sleep until 11am the next day, easily!

As a kid, I dont remember going to bed much earlier than 10pm on a weekday, later on weekends, unless I was staying at my best friends house, where they had a stricter bedtime of 9pm!

OP, you need to mind your own business.

OP didn't mention the child having any after school snacks though?

You sound very narrow minded. Just because your dc is tired by 7pm, that doesn't mean that others will be. Mine was never ready to sleep so early.

And lots of kids will have a snack when get get home, which will keep them going until dinnertime.

And some kids like to change out of uniform, other kids can't be arsed. Doesn't matter either way as long as they have clean uniform in school.

What you do might work very well for your dc because you understand their needs. There is no need to rush to judgement in response to another family doing things differently.

That seems to be the message from some, yes.

Frankly to be in uniform and not had his evening meal by 8pm at 5 years old is actually neglect! Kids are hungry after school, lunch is served as early as 11:50am for Reception class often so by 8pm he’s gone potentially 8 hours without eating.

11:50 was far too early for my DD to be eating lunch, especially after the morning toast she got given every day.

She would bring her packed lunch home in tact and have it at 3:30pm after school. There was no issue with her eating dinner at 8pm.

NEWSFLASH: NOT ALL CHILDREN ARE THE SAME

You think its wierd for a young child, who has most likely woken between 6-7am (most children do at this age to enable them to eat breakfast, get ready for school, travel to school), to go to bed at least 12/13 hours later after a day of learning, running around with their friends and generally totally exhausting themselves. I’d spend a day in Reception class and you’ll see why teachers recommend an early night in the week.

Btw - our babies/toddlers slept at 6.30/7pm with a long morning nap every day (at least 2 hours) so its really not wierd for kids to have a good bedtime routine. Sleep has a huge impact on learning and behaviour. 9pm is generally a Secondary school bedtime or a treat for Primary school kids at the weekend. Ofcourse, there are kids that struggle with bedtimes but its really not ‘wierd’ to have a good bedtime routine.

Yeah, my dc often used to bring her lunch home because she wasn't hungry at lunchtime. She would often finish it off as an afternoon snack.

8.30 isn't that late. My boys (5 and nearly 2) go to bed between 8 and 8.30 every night and are very happy and healthy children.

School does start at 9 though so sleeping until 11 isn’t really an option for most children. I think 7pm is far too early though, as do most British parents I know. I think its a thing from the past (although some still stick to this, and then complain when their kids wake at 5!). My kids seem to need 10 hours sleep so they tend to sleep 930-730 which is perfect for them for school.
Someone I know let’s her kids (5/6year olds) decide when to go to bed on the weekends/ holidays and they end up sleeping about 2/3am until the middle of afternoon. I do think that’s mad.

Do most primary school children really need to get up between 6 and 7am? Most schools round here don't start until around 8.50ish. And most kids live near school, so they don't have long commutes.

My dd was never ready to sleep at 7pm - it was generally around 8:30 or 9 at that age. It didn't have any negative impact on her learning or behaviour.

I don't think there is anything weird about putting a child to bed early if they need lots of sleep or if they have to get up very early etc. All children are different so of course it's not weird to meet the needs of the child.

What I do find weird is the odd obsession with early bedtimes amongst some British parents, almost as if they think it's some kind of moral failure on the part of the parents if their kids are up last 7pm.

As long as the child is getting the amount of sleep that they need, there isn't an issue.

This was a weekend.
On weekdays she would go to bed a bit earlier.

School also starts at 9 in Portugal.
I don't know what to tell you. Just that 9/10 is a regular bedtime for kids here.
They wake between 7 and 8,usually, to go to school. Might have a nap in the afternoon. Might not. It just depends on the kid

We start school at eight thirty here working parents can drop off from 7am lunch is anytime from 11.45 till 1pm younger years taking priority first

Yes did you not read my post? Mine also go to bed at 930 here in the U.K. and wake at 7.30. I was just saying that midnight would be too late on a school night.

My dd stayed up until 11/12 at weekends quite often when she was little. Did her no harm at all!

Most kids wake up at some point between those times and to get ready, have a decent breakfast, get dressed and get to school, i’d say most kids are up before 7am or around then.

Most parents work - alot are dropped off at early morning clubs from 8am. Secondary school children all usually travel before that time. Dropping off at 8.50am is the absolute latest for most primary schools.

I dont disagree that some kids can have later bedtimes and be absolutely fine with it, but I was respending to the comment that an early bedtime is ‘wierd’. Its really not considering the amount kids pack into the day.

We don’t need to leave the house until 845, so no way we’re getting up before 730!

7pm? that's early. Unless there's a sizeable commute a 5 yr old doesn't need to be up at 7am, what takes 2 hours to do before school.

Some parents both work so can't leave it until 8.50 to drop children off to then get to work on time.

I believe 7pm bedtimes are a very British thing. Remember a lot of kids will be knackered at school because if they went to bed at 7, they're up by 5 or 6.

I guess it depends where you live. My dd didn't need to get up until 8ish at primary school. School started at 8.55 and we weren't allowed to drop off before 8.45. School was less than 5 mins' walk from our house, so she didn't need loads of time in the mornings. Most of the kids in her class had similar distances to travel.

Of course, kids who go to breakfast clubs etc would get there earlier, but they presumably need less time to get ready in the mornings if they are eating in school? Very few kids did that in dd's school as most of the parents seemed to be in jobs which enabled them to work pretty flexibly. I think after school clubs were more popular.

But of course, if you live in a rural area where journeys to school are further/parents' commutes are longer etc, I can see why kids might have to be up earlier.

Anyway, as I said in the previous post, I don't find it weird that some kids need more sleep. I just think it's weird when people assume that all children are the same.

This is very true!!