Refugee Guest puts 5 yr old to bed too late

[No1pugmum]

We’ve been happily hosting a refugee and her son for 18 months. He was 3 when they joined us, now 5. When they arrived. he regularly went to bed after 10pm and she asked me to help him have an earlier bedtime after I explained how it wasn't good for anyone that he was staying up so late. That worked and he was going to bed earlier. Fast forward to now. He’s in Reception, but he’s regularly up at 8:30, sometimes even later, on a school day. On Sunday he was still up and watching telly at 8:30 and, last night, I got home from taking my older daughter out and he was still up at 8pm, watching telly, not fed and still in his school uniform. I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. Her response was to say she can’t put him to bed earlier because she’s got online courses that need to be done at a certain time as other people are involved and the times can’t be changed. I appreciate she wants to better herself, but I don’t think she realises how much a late bedtime could be affecting her son’s development and well being. Should I continue to try to advise, or butt out? I feel like I’m failing him if it continues. Any advice is appreciated.

If I'd put my dc to bed at 7 at that (or any) age they'd have been up at 1am for the day . 8/8.30 is fine for many kids.

I really don't understand putting kids into bed at 7pm. We're usually still eating dinner then! My two (4 and 2) are usually in bed between 8pm-8.30pm. They usually wake up about 7.30am-8am. Admittedly we're not having to do school runs yet, but if we get into the school we're hoping to (8.30am start), bedtime might only have to be moved back to as close to 8pm as possible. We'll see.

We both worked, and so did most of the parents at dd's primary school. Most parents were still doing drop-offs at 8.50am.

Very middle class school though with mostly professional parents, so the majority were able to work pretty flexibly. Plus the school was very near to local uni where lots of the parents worked.

My dc were born in Cyprus. Our soft play OPENED at 6pm and was full on a Sunday evening with locals. School started at 7.30 am

My DGD's dad gets home at either 6:30 or 8:00, depending on the day. She wouldn't get to see him at all on two or three days, and only for half an hour on the others, if a 7pm bedtime was imposed.

Well good for you - but if you ask around, in most European countries kids routinely go to bed at 9. As far as I know, only English kids go to bed while its still light in summer. And I'm not talking about toddler btw - kids up to 5 years old always have a day time nap, more than one if very little. Its completely normal. All nurseries in Ukraine (up to 6 years) have bedrooms for naps.

I actually had a funny episode at work - one of my colleagues kept complaining his kids are up at 6, waking them up and being a pain. I asked what time they go to ned - 7pm... I suggested than maybe they need to go to bed later - OMG, no of course not, its simply not possible.

I never used to understand why parents who complained regularly about how early their kids woke up every morning didn't just put them to bed later. They might carry on waking up early for a few days initially, but their body clocks would soon adapt!

I always assumed that it was because the parents wanted child-free time in the evenings, even though it was usually dressed up as being the best thing for the kids. I mean, fair enough if that's what they wanted. I just didn't get why they then complained about the early morning wake-ups.

I think the whole world assumed that lol 😂 people just don’t like to admit it

Oh OK, fair enough!

But OP said she was t home the whole time , I bet the kid had snacks or a meal at some stage and then dinner later

The first thing I do is get my kids out their uniform so they are comfortable.

Kids should be fed, engaged with, showered and put to bed at a reasonable time. I get that some kids actually fall asleep later, but having them in bed encourages them to fall asleep .

This is not OK

School’s I mortgage start at 8 am . The Same in Cyprus . We don’t do siesta in Portugal by the way That’s common in Spain

That’s so early!

In countries where kids keep normal hours, I think the family time in the morning AND evening is probably good for kids.

In the UK, there's probably a small element of loneliness and daily minor stress for the kids, in all the waking up early before parents/ while parents are grumpy and sleepy, rushing rushing rushing during dinner and bedtime, being sent to bed early, etc.

If you've lived in different countries, you can actually see the difference in parents' + kids' daily routines, and chill and happiness level!

Sorry, but that's crap. If a child is not ready to go to sleep, it's cruel to make them go to bed too early in the hope that they will just drop off.

Lying in bed when I wasn't ready to sleep felt like torture to me as a child. Those times are amongst my unhappiest memories and I would never subject a child to that experience simply because of some rigid idea that they "ought" to be in bed.

I wish posters would stop saying ‘in the uk’ as if in the uk we all put our kids to bed at 7. As has been made clear many times on this thread, we don’t!

Also I think saying it affects happiness is going a bit far. How about we let everyone do what works best for them and stop being so judgmental?

I do agree, because I am British and never signed up to 7pm bedtimes. However, having lived overseas in various places, I do see the widespread belief about early bedtimes being a peculiarly British thing.

What I find really strange is the moral outrage expressed by some when they hear about children being allowed to stay up later. I find it quite baffling.

I wouldn’t see it as an attack , but it is linked to he happiness index . You can search this . More time up also means more opportunities to have family meals , discuss things etc .

It’s not ‘just’ a British thing though either. According to this New Zealand has the earliest bedtimes. And the Netherlands. https://edition.cnn.com/2018/01/05/health/baby-bedtimes-parenting-without-borders-explainer-intl/index.html

Interesting. Never spent much time in the Netherlands so was not aware of that. Perhaps it's a northern European thing?

I am assuming that the New Zealanders imported the idea of early bedtimes from Britain, so no surprises there!

I don’t see it as an attack. As I’ve said many times, I don’t put my kids to bed at 7 either. I just find that claim odd as eg Finland is top of happiness index yet also has early bedtimes.

I actually don't just mean 7, which is really extreme! Some posters do 830, etc. In the UK generally it's true that kids go to bed early.

Also, if you've lived in different countries, you genuinely see the difference in chaos and stress – especially in households with multiple kids, instead of just 1 quiet obedient kid.

Of course every household differs. But, if I were to make a generalisation –

In the country I lived in, come dinner and post-dinner time, you see and hear kids still chattering away, playing with their peers, or chattering and socialising happily with adults.

Then, a common sight in public was seeing kids merrily, relaxedly returning home with their family (and I think a lot of British families don't have the time to have dinner out). This would be at a shocking hour to many British parents.

All my friends' kids would then naturally / automatically start going to bed, wanting to rest after a long fulfilling day of genuine family bonding and playtime. Of course I assume there are still those kids who throw tantrums or are difficult sleepers. But can you not see that in general it's easier to wind down and naturally ease into bedtime over hours?

And the parents themselves are more relaxed of course which makes a big difference in family bonding. Not 'I have to rush home from work, dinner, 1 hr 15 mins of family bonding, shower, bedtime' day after day after day

Um, surely it would be silly to think a country's happiness level was solely determined by 1 single factor 😅

My kids have never had a bedtime before 8pm at any age.

We don’t do siesta in Portugal by the way That’s common in Spain

Not past the age of 4.5-5, when the kids start their last year of preschool. That’s when they transition out of it. No primary school in Spain has siesta time on their timetable 😂

What is common, however, is a 2-2.5h lunch break during which kids can eat leisurely and then either do their extracurriculars or have extended break time outside. Some kids will go home for lunch instead, so there is a break in academic learning and a chance for downtime, but no 5-6 year old naps during the school week.