Refugee Guest puts 5 yr old to bed too late

[No1pugmum]

We’ve been happily hosting a refugee and her son for 18 months. He was 3 when they joined us, now 5. When they arrived. he regularly went to bed after 10pm and she asked me to help him have an earlier bedtime after I explained how it wasn't good for anyone that he was staying up so late. That worked and he was going to bed earlier. Fast forward to now. He’s in Reception, but he’s regularly up at 8:30, sometimes even later, on a school day. On Sunday he was still up and watching telly at 8:30 and, last night, I got home from taking my older daughter out and he was still up at 8pm, watching telly, not fed and still in his school uniform. I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. Her response was to say she can’t put him to bed earlier because she’s got online courses that need to be done at a certain time as other people are involved and the times can’t be changed. I appreciate she wants to better herself, but I don’t think she realises how much a late bedtime could be affecting her son’s development and well being. Should I continue to try to advise, or butt out? I feel like I’m failing him if it continues. Any advice is appreciated.

Why are French children not tired for school if they don't even have their dinner until 8pm?

Yes, but the children don't need to go to bed at 7pm in order to integrate with British culture!! Lots of British children go to bed much later!

Honestly, 8.30? I live in continental Europe and this is a perfectly normal time to put kids to bed. It's hardly midnight!

When I was that age I went to bed at 9pm.
Top achiever in school and IQ of 130.

I think its a culture thing.

When my kids were toddlers, they always went to bed at 6.30-7pm. Reception would have been 7-7.30pm. Now they are older primary/Secondary, its between 8-9pm (9pm for the eldest). Young kids do need 12 hours sleep and we could always see the difference when they didn’t get it.

Im afraid you can’t control the parenting just because you are hosting (which is very kind to do). I think its good you have offered advice but I think alot of cultures do have the kids up alot later than our own. I know this from friends from all over the world, they dont view bedtime the same way alot of British people do.

My kids don't have a siesta and a 8.30/9pm bedtime is perfectly fine for them.

I don’t think my kids were ever in bed at 7pm. 8-8.30 was almost always bedtime.

Of course, but many Ukrainian kids don’t go to bed till their parents do -11pm or midnight. When you’ve had a long stressful day it’s tiring when you’re left supervising the kids downstairs at 8 or 9 o’clock while mum is upstairs doing her homework.

You sound really sweet, OP. Culture clashes can be very hard to navigate, specially when they are happening in your own home.

Of course, the OP shouldn't have to supervise, and she can enforce that boundary. Doesn't mean that it's reasonable for her to start dishing out advice about bedtimes though.

In any case, the child apparently sleeps at 8.30pm, so we're not actually talking about him being up at 11pm.

Butt out. Maybe if he was going to bed at midnight I’d be concerned but if 8:30 is the worst it gets I would leave well alone. I think that’s probably just within the limits of acceptable. Sounds like the woman is trying to do her best

8.30 isn’t exactly disruptive. If it was 10.30 I’d be agreeing with you.

Can you help put him to bed so she can do her classes?

Both my boys went to bed around 9 at that age. My youngest one (now 13) has been going to sleep at 10.30 for the past 3 years. He is not tired during the day or difficult to wake up. Paediatrician says it's fine, so unless her son is struggling and tired during the day it's not a problem.

My French friend thought I was bizarre that I put my children to bed at 7.30pm. Last time she visited she asked me was I still putting the kids to bed “too early”

in warmer countries they get the most out the cooler evenings by getting out and about so it’s very usual to put your kids to bed later.

I don’t see an issue with the time he goes to bed my daughter in 5 next week she goes to bed 8pm - it's usually 8.30pm by the time she goes to sleep. she sleeps until 7/7.30am.

Is it really affecting his development, or do you just think it is because you believe 7pm should be bedtime?

My DD is 9 and is in bed by 7:30 on school nights as we leave the house at 8am for school and she needs her sleep. She has always gone to bed early. Personally I think 8:30 is too late for a reception child but depends on personal circumstances-not all children are the same, some need 10-12hrs sleep, some don't. You can advise but it's her child.

My 5yo isn’t in bed before 8, sometimes it’s 9pm. Each to their own!
We do have a routine but are flexible around bed times. He’s still up at 7am every morning.
as long as the little one is coping fine with 8.30/9 bedtime I’d leave them to it

My dd (4) doesn’t go to bed until 8:30/9pm and still wakes up happy and refreshed at 7am, there’s nothing wrong with her development. maybe leave the parenting to the child’s parent.

@No1pugmum Let her be. Are the going to stay with you long term? Now that they’ve been there nearly 2 years does it feel like they’ve taken over your space?

I'm from another European country and an immigrant in the UK. I am also expecting a baby now. I was shocked to learn people here put their kids to bed at 7-7.30. I never went to bed before 9-9.30. I did however take naps every single day, up until the age of 7/8 (primary finished around 2pm, I'd come home and take a 30min - 1 hr nap). I know kids here don't take naps which is odd to me too.

All that is to say different people have different way of doing things. You're not the parent so should not get involved.

My 4 year old goes to bed at the same time around 8. It would be pointless trying at 7. Stay out of it

Lol this is ridiculous. 8.30pm isn't even that late. And your comment him going to bed late isn't good for anyone also doesn't make any sense. You haven't even said what time he wakes up. If its 7, then that's 10.5 hours sleep. Plenty.

8:30pm is fine for a 5yo.
Different children suit different times.

Dd1 went to bed at 8:00pm at that age, and got up at 8:00am.
Dd2 went to bed at 9pm and still got up at 7am.
Ds went to bed at 7pm (if I could keep him awake that long) and got up at 7am. He's now 16yo and still gets up at 7am normally. If he's not up by 8am I know he's ill.

100% agree with this.

OP is overstepping