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Original poster

Aibu - co-sleeping older kids

128 replies

roisin18 · 14/03/2022 07:28

Hi everyone.

Looking to work out if if I'm being unreasonable.

So... my husband was night shift last night (he does nightshift approx once every 3 weeks). When he is nightshift I let my 2 kids sleep in beside me. (9&5) He really hates it and moans every time as 1) he wants to go to bed when he gets in but there's no space, and 2) he thinks it's weird to sleep with them at that age.

So to save the argument I've started sleeping in the spare bed with them on those nights so he can come in and have our bed to himself. But yesterday I had just changed the sheets and they kids had fallen asleep in my bed so I just climbed in. This morning he came in at 6.30 (we get up at 7.15) so we all had to get up.

He is making out that sleeping in the same bed at that age is making them too codependent etc, but I just think it's nice to cuddle in together every now and again.

I think he is being a complete twat. But willing to be told I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Okeydoky · 14/03/2022 07:32

Yup. He's an idiot. You enjoy it, your kids enjoy it, so what's the harm? He could have just gone to the spare room himself.

Is he normally so selfish and controlling?

ReeseWitherfork · 14/03/2022 07:34

Without knowing your husband it just sounds like he's aggy he can't climb into bed after a night at work. I don't think there's anything wrong with cosleeping with kids of any age. I don't think I'd be choosing to sleep with my kids if I didn't have to though (and it sounds like this is a choice?).

RishiRich · 14/03/2022 07:38

I wouldn't care about the co-sleeping. My 9yo DD climbed into bed for a snuggle in the early hours of the morning a few nights ago. I would however be fuming if I got home after a night shift and couldn't go to bed because someone else was taking up all the space!

starsinthegutter · 14/03/2022 07:39

Nothing wrong with cosleeping but I can understand why he's grumpy if he can't get into bed after a nightshift

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 07:42

Regardless of the cosleeping I think YABU for allowing them to take up his space in his own bed and not seeing that there is a problem there and calling him a twat. It's quite selfish of you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2022 07:44

Could he not sleep in the spare room? Why does everything revolve around what he wants versus three people who are warm and snuggly asleep?

GreenWheat · 14/03/2022 07:46

I am with your DH with regard to H being unable to get into his own bed when he gets home. If you want to co-sleep then make the effort to ensure your DH can sleep in his bed. The sheet changing isn't really a good enough excuse for you not to have moved or stopped them.

ShippingNews · 14/03/2022 07:48

The co sleeping thing is not relevant. But it's wrong to take up the whole bed when he is coming home from working a night shift. I did nights for years, and the ONLY good thing about it was coming home in the morning and getting straight into bed. I'd be really upset if my bed was full of kids who had their own perfectly good beds.

If you want to sleep with the kids, do it in their beds and let your DH have his own bed when he gets home. He isn't a twat, he is TIRED .

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 07:49

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Could he not sleep in the spare room? Why does everything revolve around what he wants versus three people who are warm and snuggly asleep?
Because it's his bloody bed as much as hers. If she wants the other person to not he able to use it then she should be the one to sleep in the spare room. It's selfish.
NameChanger45465465 · 14/03/2022 07:51

Kids sleeping in the main bed every now and again is fine.

But I do think you are being selfish When he is just coming home from nights. Poor sod just wants his comfy bed !

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 07:51

Thanks everyone, perhaps I need a reality check. I'm just really annoyed with him this morning - probably more to do with being made to feel like a weirdo for sleeping with the kids so I'm being a bit defensive. That's on me.

Just to confirm, usually I do sleep in the spare bed with them. But last night the kids were already in my bed. And i was absolutely knackered so I just climbed in beside them. This isn't a regular thing, it's a one off. I think it was mean to wake them up and kick them out. Probably because if the shoe was on the other foot I would have left him. But then I do know that's my choice.

OP posts:
raspberryjamchicken · 14/03/2022 07:54

The co-sleeping is fine and you've changed the sleeping arrangements to accommodate him being able to go to bed when he comes in. All fine, just remember to go in the spare bed.

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 07:55

@roisin18

Thanks everyone, perhaps I need a reality check. I'm just really annoyed with him this morning - probably more to do with being made to feel like a weirdo for sleeping with the kids so I'm being a bit defensive. That's on me.

Just to confirm, usually I do sleep in the spare bed with them. But last night the kids were already in my bed. And i was absolutely knackered so I just climbed in beside them. This isn't a regular thing, it's a one off. I think it was mean to wake them up and kick them out. Probably because if the shoe was on the other foot I would have left him. But then I do know that's my choice.

I'm glad you've seen sense.

It wasn't mean to wake them up in the slightest. That is what happens when you are sleeping in someone else's bed and they get home and need to use it themselves. It's mean to expext him NOT to have woken them.

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 07:56

Can I also just confirm. Even when we sleep in the spare bed, he makes it very clear that he thinks it's weird. But usually he can't argue as we're not in his space. Which is probably why how I am so defensive about it.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 08:04

@roisin18

Can I also just confirm. Even when we sleep in the spare bed, he makes it very clear that he thinks it's weird. But usually he can't argue as we're not in his space. Which is probably why how I am so defensive about it.
It's fine to be defensive about your disagreement about cosleeping, that's a seperate issue. But when you start doing it in his bed and expecting him to not use it as a result, you become in the wrong. Just don't muddy the issue by doing that!
SpidersAreShitheads · 14/03/2022 08:06

Sorry. I don't agree with some of the PP at all.

Nothing wrong with co-sleeping. I've got (autistic) 12 yr old twins and they love co-sleeping with me, given the chance. If my DP works away, they love planning a night sleeping in my bed with me! Completely normal and rather lovely.

I thought you were being mean until I read that you've got a spare bed. I work through the nights fairly often and by the morning I'm knackered and just want to sleep. Not being able to fall straight into bed is horrible. But it doesn't matter whether it's his bed or the spare bed. As long as they're both clean, warm and comfy, it shouldn't matter which one. I guess if you were making him sleep in the spare room every single time he comes home then that wouldn't be fair. But equally I don't see why you and the DC have to sleep in the spare room every time just so he can have the main bed. That's a very misogynistic perspective! As long as there's a comfy bed for everyone I don't see why you have to shift for the night every single time. I'd be bloody furious if he made me and DC get up when there's another perfectly good bed he could use!!!

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 08:11

@SpidersAreShitheads

Sorry. I don't agree with some of the PP at all.

Nothing wrong with co-sleeping. I've got (autistic) 12 yr old twins and they love co-sleeping with me, given the chance. If my DP works away, they love planning a night sleeping in my bed with me! Completely normal and rather lovely.

I thought you were being mean until I read that you've got a spare bed. I work through the nights fairly often and by the morning I'm knackered and just want to sleep. Not being able to fall straight into bed is horrible. But it doesn't matter whether it's his bed or the spare bed. As long as they're both clean, warm and comfy, it shouldn't matter which one. I guess if you were making him sleep in the spare room every single time he comes home then that wouldn't be fair. But equally I don't see why you and the DC have to sleep in the spare room every time just so he can have the main bed. That's a very misogynistic perspective! As long as there's a comfy bed for everyone I don't see why you have to shift for the night every single time. I'd be bloody furious if he made me and DC get up when there's another perfectly good bed he could use!!!

It's not misogynistic at all - he should get to sleep in his bed because it is both his and hers and she's the person that wants to sleep in a way that means the other person it belongs to can't use it. It's only fair that she be the one to have to sleep in the spare bed, as a result.

Not everyone finds a spare bed as comfortable and easy to sleep in as their own. Sometimes the mattress is different and doesn't suit them, sometimes they just feel displaced and struggle to sleep.

Either way, it should be her that deals with that, lets not bring misogyny in where it doesn't belong.

ReeseWitherfork · 14/03/2022 08:38

As I said upthread, I don't see an issue with cosleeping, but I think it's disingenuous of anyone to confidentially claim it's perfectly healthy and OPs DH should just accept it. I'm sure there's some evidence out there of potentially negative psychological side effects which may or may not have merit, but it's a vastly complicated and controversial subject. If DH isn't happy about it then he's entitled to that opinion.

Sux2buthen · 14/03/2022 08:39

Poor blokes been at work and just wants to go to bed at the end of it.
If he doesn't like co sleeping that's his thing and everyone's entitled to their opinion, but his feelings are probably exacerbated by just wanting to go to bed when he gets in. His own bed

SpidersAreShitheads · 14/03/2022 08:40

@aSofaNearYou I promise you I'm not the person to chuck around accusations of misogyny at the drop of a hat but it feels like that a bit? The reason is that it's totally fair and reasonable for the woman to sleep elsewhere but heaven forbid the man has to do it. If it's reasonable for her to sleep in the other bed, then it's reasonable for him to sleep in the other bed.

You're right though - if the other bed is uncomfortable, then it's not OK. I'm making the assumption that the spare bed is absolutely fine and he can sleep well in it. To be honest, after working a night I'm so tired I could sleep on a bed of nails and I wouldn't care haha!

Trying to be scrupulously balanced and fair - why can't he sleep in the spare bed? If there was a good and legitimate reason, then that's different. But if it's just a case of he wants to sleep in the main bed just because, and there's no real reason that the spare bed wouldn't be perfectly fine, then yes, he's being a bollock.

Also, OP is saying it's once every three weeks. It's not like he's not getting to his own bed every night. Again, depends on the reason as to whether he's being reasonable or not. On these threads, if a man is snoring the posters are usually quick enough to tell the woman to kick him out to sleep in the spare room. If that's a good enough reason, then spending a night co-sleeping once every three weeks is definitely a good enough reason.

But yes, I'm happy to hold my hands up and say I jumped the gun without knowing the reason why. I think I just felt a bit pissed off with everyone telling OP that SHE could sleep in the spare bed, but he couldn't POSSIBLY be expected to do it. Felt a bit unequal.

rainbowandglitter · 14/03/2022 08:43

I don't like the whole co sleeping thing either (but get that some do). I'd also be very grumpy at having done a night shift to come home to my bed full of people. He's not a twat at all op.

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 08:49

@SpidersAreShitheads But you've missed out the key point which is that SHE'S the one creating the issue, so she should be the one to go in the spare room. That is the bottom line here. If it was the other wah around it would be him that should go in the spare room, it's nothing to do with men vs women.

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 14/03/2022 08:50

Honestly I'm on your DH side. It's his bed. He's been working all night and he comes home with a 5 and an 8yr old in it meaning that he can't get in. Its not misogynistic at all to be annoyed about that or to expect the other person (ie OP) to camp out in the spare room as she is the one who wants to sleep with the dc.

I'm not against co-sleeping. But they're old enough to be in their own beds. It does sound like it's meeting a need in you rather than them.

GlitteryGreen · 14/03/2022 08:56

Do you only co-sleep with them on these occasions then?

SushiRice · 14/03/2022 09:00

It's not ok for him to come home to bed full of people. He's entitled to be annoyed here and you are U.