What do you do with 8 week old 6-11pm?!

[DoveGreylove]

My 8 week just doesn't sleep in the evenings. I have tried everything. I am so exhausted. I just don't know what to do with her. Why won't she go down to sleep?? She won't even sleep for an hour or so. The only time she will begin to settle is 11pm and that in itself has to involve feeding to sleep / rocking to sleep.

I just don't understand what people do with their babies in the evening. How do you get them down???

Some people say theirs doesn't sleep til they take them up to sleep between 10-11 but what do you then do with the baby for the rest of the early evening?

Please someone help me :(

OP please listen to the many, many women who have commented to tell you that this is totally normal for a newborn baby, that you certainly haven't done anything 'wrong' and that you just need to give it time.

All you need to do is to cuddle and breastfeed your baby and watch TV, eat snacks, whatever else in the evening. You cannot overfeed a breastfed baby, they may vomit excess milk at this age but that's very normal too as their tummy's are tiny. Ignore your unhelpful friends routines and the ridiculous baby books.

FYI I've had two babies who were polar opposite in terms of sleep. One exactly like yours, one exactly like a 'perfect' baby from a baby book in terms of sleep. Both exclusively breastfeed and parented identically. I can see that if the 'perfect' baby had been my first I could have thought/boasted that it was all a magical routine or something but it's really not, every baby is different.

@DoveGreylove if your haven’t got a antenatal group you could check out the groups on here for babies due in July would it be for you? There are also FB groups similar. I find them great for seeing what everyone else is up to, advice and just a general moan sometimes. Maybe something you could benefit from too x

I just don't understand how they've managed to do it
Luck. Pure luck. Babies are people; they're all different. Some are easy. Some are a pain in the bum.

It's so so normal to need to feed, rock, sway, bounce, jiggle, etc your baby to sleep. All day; all evening. Yes, it's knackering. No, it's not forever. You sound exactly like where I was a couple of months ago and the number one thing that helped was cutting out people who judged or spouted bollocks.

Try The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith. Try wearing your baby in a sling most of the day/eve; try offering boob all evening long. You might just be unlucky and have a colicky one, but the screaming will stop. Eventually there'll be bedtime and routine but you'll still need to provide the means to sleep: lots of babies are fed, rocked or cuddled to sleep til 12 months, 18 months, beyond.

DoveGreylove my heart goes out to you. Please ring the BFing helpline.

You have said you're finding BFing tough. They can talk you through what you're doing without judgement and hopefully find ways to support you.

I do think you may benefit from expert support here. (HVs, GPs and mudwuves are not experts on BFing btw).

You've avoided answering the questions about whether you're BFing much in the evening and I can't help wondering if there is some sensitivity here. You don't need to answer me. I'm just a random on the internet after all!

But please do reach out for help. You can call the BFing helpline on 0300 100 0212

Just tell them you're finding it tough and be honest why. They won't judge you, they'll be pleased to help if they can.

@fiveleftfeet oh no sensitivity, sorry. Didn't mean to not respond to you . Thank you for the detials to call.

I do feed in the evening in fact if I could do it every night id gladly get into bed or on the sofa and watch Netflix all night with her feeding. Really I would.

But she doesn't always want to cluster feed. It's only a few times a week. When I feed I offer her one boob, burp intermittently because of her wind/spit up and then offer the other boob. In the evenings though she can be very different with her feeding compared to the day- either being fretful and pullng off the boob then wanting it immediately again, or she will have a little cry, or sucking away like she can't get enough and she's in Euphoria. It can get stressful for me and I don't understand what she wants - more milk or is she telling me she's had enough?!

Tonight for example she had a good feed but she was fussing a lot.

Fussing at the boob is really, really standard for that time of day. I know exactly the type of thing you mean. It's normal, honestly. I know it seems like there is a problem and if you could just work out what it was baby would settle/drift off but it's, really, really common and nothing that you're doing/not doing.

You might this helpful to read:

www.laleche.org.uk/fussy-evenings-with-a-newborn/

OP what you’ve described in your last update is exactly how my DS was from around weeks 6-11. Classic for that time of day for a baby of your age. I remember telling my health visitor about it and she said it was totally normal. He would cry or fuss at the boob, or latch on and drink manically for a few seconds then pull away crying. He didn’t know what he wanted bless him, but within a few weeks he grew out of it. You’re doing a great job.

My DS2 is 4weeks now and the evenings are like this. He also is very sick and throws up because hes a guzzlers, can't lay him flat either because he projectile vomits. In the evenings He also fusses on and off. Wants it one minute then decides he doesn't. Then he cries. Then burps. Then falls asleep. Then he searches for a boob again! Exactly the same as my DS1, it's totally normal!

I gave him a dummy - I know, I'm a bad bad mummy! MW said you're not supposed to give a dummy to bf baby till a bit older.. But.. It actually helps his wind and gives a break between fussing at my boobs. Sometimes he wants a boob in his mouth but doesn't want any milk!! so there we go, that's my advise give her a plastic nipple because essentially that's all a dummy is😂😂😂

Op it's tough and no mistake. The wide-eyed thing is often call the thousand yard stare and it's a sleepy sign. It doesn't look like it! If you haven't already tried to get her into a dimmed room or shade her eyes at that point it might help?

Babies' brains can be very easily overstimulated especially if lights are bright. Lowering light levels can aid melatonin production which is what causes sleep (it's why we naturally feel tired in a cinema etc). Picking up on little cues can help. My eldest was like this and it was a complete fucking nightmare but I went on to have two more so it wasn't all bad.

Keep on keeping on and soon you'll be more attuned to what works for your dd. Good luck

@WineIsMyCarb so you just sat in the dark from 6.45?

And yes. Please please ignore the awful advice upthread about 'being cruel to be kind'. It's what was the done thing decades ago but has been shown to be immensely damaging to newborn brain development. When mine were tiny I did a sort of adapted version of Gina ford but on my terms because I found her method too draconian so I took what worked (ie babies work in around 2 hour cycles at that age) and went for a flexible 'baby whisperer' kind of approach.

It's all changed again now of course but it helped me feel a little bit more in control of the chaos I felt.

"Nap when they nap"

OK THEN.

Don't worry about washing or cleaning or eating or shitting.

FFS.

How are you going today OP? I've just got DS1 to bed, have sent DH to Aldi and am feeding DS2 who may or may not doze off presently depending on a precise combination of whether there's a y in the day and the prevailing wind direction.

It's so hard. So, so hard. Especially when you've got people around the who parent differently. And for whom that works despite it feeling utterly wrong to you.

At 8 weeks with DS2 I'd get DS1(he's 5) to bed at about 7 then we'd watch some telly, eat some tea (a lot of frozen pizza was consumed) one or other of DH and I would take him up for a bath, out for a walk. Or I might just sit and feed. I always let DH do the winding so he has a turn to smell of milky sick.

Please be kind to yourself. This is so hard - we used to call it the witching hour.

@MyDcAreMarvel Sometimes! Not for hours of course, but an hour, say. After that I'd give it up as a bad job for that night and try again an hour or so later. And sometimes in and out of her/our room for much of the evening. That's having a young baby I guess

"Maybe I try and relax tonight and not force her to sleep. Let her lead?"
Yes, if you can find a way to stop her crying, just relax and have your dinner.
If not, get DP to take her for a walk in the pram or carrier for a bit.
Also, try and master the sling. It could be life changing! But if she doesn't like that then she will probably like a vibratey chair as a PP suggested.
And NO...Don't get up at 7am if you don't have to. If your baby sleeps well in the morning, go with it.
If you don't have to get up til 11am that sounds perfect. All babies are different. Two of mine gave me a lie in, one had me up from 5am.
Try and take the lead from baby and you won't have to fight so hard.

OP you have had so much conflicting advice on this thread. I've had a several glasses of wine so forgive me if this doesnt make sense. I have a one year old. This is my experience:

Some people force a routine and it works
Some people force a routine and it doesnt
Some people dont have a routine and their babies dont sleep
Some people dont have a routine and their babies do sleep.

The big secret is - there is no magic answer. You do whatever gets you through. And that might be one thing tonight and a different thing next week. We have had dinner sat on our bed in the bloody dark, we have watched iplayer in bed with a sleeping baby next to us, we have watched TV in the living room while I bounced on a ball. These decisions seem massive but they arent really. They dont make a huge amount of difference. Once your LO gets to 6 months I think you are much more likely to have success with a routine - we certainly did. It is really, really hard and really really relentless. The problem is on here you get die hard routine fans and diehard no routine fans you wind up none the bloody wiser!!!

Thinking about sleep and.not getting sleep nearly led me to a nervous breakdown and that isnt an exaggeration. I'm trying to use MN to stop others going the same way!
.

@wineismycarb you are one of the few posters on here who has done a successful routine but not been a twat about it. I wish you had been around when I was ready to jump off a bridge!

Haha thanks Puppy. I can assure you that I am definitely a twat though

I found the early baby stages so so hard and difficult to see beyond. I'm sure OP will find something that works for her. Hopefully a bit of everything that has been suggested so we can all take the credit!

I love everything NeverGotMyPuppy said. Just do whatever works for now; it changes all the time, there's no wrong – there's just your baby, who is different from, and the same as, all the other babies.

For what it's worth, we're through the witching hour - which is soul-destroying, but I promise it ends - but last night I went to bed with DD, 20 weeks, at 6.30pm. Didn't mean to fall asleep, did; woke at 8ish to eat the now-cold pasta DP had left by my head, brushed my teeth using a cup of water on the nightstand, fell back asleep. Last snogged DP what feels like aeons ago. Some people have their evenings back by now, some don't, it's all fine in the grand scheme of things, one day she'll be necking cider in the park of an evening and I'll be knitting on the sofa. And when I DO get my evenings back, wow am I going to go to bed at 9pm probably party!

The best MN advice I had at your stage was just not to worry about it, none of it is forever, a routine does emerge eventually, and there's no competition – you don't get awarded parenting points based on how things were or are; none of this first year matters so long as the baby is fed, rested, happy; what you do now isn't going to have a knock-on effect. If your DD needs to be up by 7am for nursery when she's one, it's not going to be a problem just because you had some morning sleep when she was tiny. I wish I'd slept in at eight weeks instead of waking her up and whisking the curtains open at 7am because I thought that was what you did! (Also wish I'd rested instead of writing thank you cards at five weeks.)

So the last two evenings I have tried to be less anxious about the baby sleeping... I have focused on her bedtime being when I decide to go to bed - any time around 9:30-10:30.

So the rest of the evening I have bounced on the gym ball to help her nap, or if she's awake, talked to her, played with her, put her in the baby Bjorn and tonight I have managed to get her to nap in her moses... I'm obviously now panicking if she's asleep now does that mean she won't go to sleep later?! It's just non-stop stressing. I can't help it.

Does anyone put their baby in the bedroom for evening naps or keep them in the room with them? I have been told by numerous people to put her in the room in the dark with monitor on but I thought we were supposed to keep them with us? I know it's each to their own I guess.

The pressure you get as a new mum is crazy. It's so difficult not to compare yourself to friends or those on Instagram who seem to have the perfect life and perfect baby. I've unfollowed a few to make sure it doesn't wind me up.

We kept ours on our laps downstairs at that age.

I know people who do both. I keep my DS with me downstairs but I know quite a few people who put their babies upstairs in their rooms.

The guidance is that baby should have every sleep in the same room as an adult until 6 months. That said, it is guidance not law. I sometimes put DS2 upstairs for daytime naps when DS1 is at home otherwise he keeps waking him up.

How have your nights been with baby going down a bit later?

Shes always gone to bed any time from 9:30-10ish and had a feed (unless she magically fell asleep earlier) and she would then feed 3am(ish) then 6:30(ish).

But the past couple of weeks she's waking up in the night more and I can't work out why? Last night she was up at 2,4,5 then 7. Is it a sign of them getting older and me needed to jig around the bed time? She naps "ok" in the day. I try to get her to nap around 11, 2, 4:30ish for a power nap then the evening starts and everything goes to pot.

The trouble is that at this point they are still really tiny and things change so much in such a short space of time so it's difficult to know what's going on with them!

I don't have a nap schedule but I do help DS to sleep in the day when he seems tired, cuddling, rocking etc. I do a bedtime routine starting at 6.30pm of bath, clean nappy, pj's and sleeping bag. DS1 has his bath at the same time and then DH does his stories and puts him to bed. I keep DS2 downstairs and watch tv with the main light off. I feed him and cuddle him in my lap and sometimes he'll sleep for a bit. Sometimes he'll sleep for the whole evening (rare sadly) sometimes he's awake until 11 (like last night!)

If he sleeps we put him down in the Sleepyhead downstairs with us then take him up when we go to bed.

I think you could maybe start something similar? Have a wind down routine but be relaxed about when she actually drops off? Hopefully the time she falls asleep with slowly start to become more consistent (even if she does still need feeding/rocking to drop off).