Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

Massive bunch of

Honestly, you sound like you are on your knees.

As a pp said, I'd try some formula and a dummy.

I know how hard BF is: I was in the place where you are now - gave DS 6oz of formula and he slept for 6 hours. Could have been coincidence but the sleep did him and me a world of good.

@Haypanky I know the thread you mean! I read it often and feel awful for all the mums on there; I’m aware that they have it a lot worse than I do. I didn’t think I ‘belonged’ on there given that DS is only four months, thought it might be annoying to other mums if I posted on there complaining about the sleep of a relatively young baby.

@poopsqueak poor you, that sounds really tough to go from great sleep to things going pear shaped. I suppose in a way at least I never reached the holy grail of sleeping through the night, I think it would be much harder if I had. I totally would have been a smug mum if DS had been a good sleeper and would have taken full credit for it

Honestly it's ok. I keep telling myself that one day it will click for her and she will lie in. On weekends myself and DH split lie ins. I'll go through to her bed and she will lie in ours for a while, then he will take her downstairs and I will lie in til 8/8.30. Then we swap the next day.

She has never been the child that can adapt to a holiday routine, or can stay at the family party late (despite many many people saying 'oh just keep her up, she'll be fine') but she is very very regular!

@Bubbins that’s a really good tip about the sleepyhead, thank you. The problem I’ve been having lately is when DS is waking up reeeally frequently towards the end of the night, less than every hour, then it feels so exhausting to have to keep putting him down in his cot. So maybe co sleeping towards the end of the night would be a help for me and using the sleepyhead would remove the need for the horrible weird C shape body contortion thing that I cannot get the hang of without being in agony.

@PersisFord I definitely will take on your advice about not spending ages trying to extend naps. As I get really upset trying to chase that golden two hour lunch nap which clearly isn’t going to happen any time soon. When he wakes up after 30 or 40 minutes I feel so frustrated and find myself thinking f ‘why won’t you do the long lunchtime nap like you’re supposed to??!’ I know that is ridiculous of me. Mulling over the idea of whether to try a dummy again as I know lots of people have recommended and had success with them.

@YorkieDorkie a year?! A YEAR??! You see that sends shivers down my spine. That is exactly what I’m afraid of. How on earth did you manage?

@RangerLady that sounds awful, well done for surviving that. Haven’t got to the point of hallucinating thankfully.

@Mum2OneTeen thanks for the solidarity! I’m curious as to how you (and others) don’t really wake up during feeds if you co sleep. I definitely feel very aware of DS latching on and feeding unfortunately.

@middleagedlady I totally understand and share your feelings of not wanting to have to admit to someone that it’s a real struggle. I’ve cried at baby groups about how hard I’m finding things and then felt really embarrassed afterwards.

If you're tired, you're tired! If it will help, then join the thread :)

Just hopping back on to show some solidarity @hidingunderthesofa - I also have a super alert baby who behaves like a hyperactive toddler at bedtime, rolling around, chattering, beating up her toys etc. Then she gets bored and the whinging starts. But it’s never a few whines then settle, it’s whines and cries and then meltdown! All these sleep trained babies who whimper for five minutes then settle to sleep. Seriously??

The only baby class I went to was Sling Swing- it really suited DD as she loves the carrier, music and being jiggled about. Lots of other lovely mums there too with high needs babies.

Honestly, the mums who claim they have brilliant sleepers don’t tell the whole story. I found that they’re quick to post when LO slept through the night but fail the mention the increasing night wakings, replacing dummies, 4am starts etc. No-one wants to be the pitied mum with a crap sleeper so they edit out the bad bits.

Anyway, you’re doing a fantastic job- sleep deprivation is a bitch and if makes the sanest mum irrational. Hoping for better nights for all of us suffering!

@PersisFord thanks and great username! I actually feel a bit of a hypocrite doling out advice to OP as if someone had said the same to me when I was 4 months in I wouldn't have believed them anyway!!

OP, my baby ironically was all cheery at baby groups so everyone thought I was lying she was just a hell beast for me alone.... aged about 22mo she started taking 2 hr naps, just when all my friends babies who were good sleepers started sleeping like crap for them.... She never once napped in her cot though.

I do also remember reading somewhere the 2, 3, 4 rule. Ie first nap after 2 hrs awake or less if needed, 2nd after 3 hours and bed after 4 hours awake. I feel like this was useful knowledge at some point but was prob after 4 mo. As a PP said I actually remember very little of my 1sts baby hood.
You can do it! Even if you have to eat a ton of cake to get there

I remember my DGD1 going through the 4 month sleep regression and how hard it was for my DD and her husband. They had support though as we and other grandparents would have her overnight one night a week or during the day for them . Get your partner to take over a few of the night time settlings.

Have you read the wonder weeks book or got the app? There is a massive leap at around 4 months which coincides with the sleep regression. Their little brains are going through massive changes so it will end.

DD did the Ferber method of sleep training at around 6-7 months which took a few days. She is almost 3 now and a great sleeper. They have to learn how to self settle and she used a dummy until it kept falling out at night so DD replaced it with her teddy bear which she still has to take to bed with her. Sleep training is controversial on here but it saved their sanity and luckily my DGD1 never screamed and screamed. She mostly winged for a few minutes and if it carried on for more than a couple of minutes they would go in to her and just say go to sleep or stroke her head. Eventually she got it.

DGD2 is 14 weeks now so approaching the same wonder week leap. Different character though so not sure if she will be the same.

Hang on in there, you are doing great.

Well I managed less than an hour’s sleep before the first wake up. I absolutely dread going to bed these days because I find the nights so depressing. And lonely. I don’t understand why it’s like this. Why did he used to sleep so much longer. I remember there was a period when I’d feel disappointed if the first wake up was before midnight. Didn’t even get to ten thirty last night.
I had two nights where he slept for four hours at the beginning of the night and I was actually upset rather than pleased because I knew it wouldn’t last, and the disappointment of his sleep going back to what it was is far, far worse than having consistently shit nights. I got my hopes up, even though I told myself not to.

OP I am so grateful for this thread and so so sorry you’ve been going through this. I just want to add my sympathy. It’s shit being this tired. My DD is 5 months, and I yearn for the nights where I got 3-4 hours sleep in one go. It wasn’t every night but it kept me going. I feel so guilty for whinging because she does nap, sometimes 30 minutes but odd times for 2 hours. I also have a brilliant DP so I know i’m lucky. He does a lot in the day but I do nights because he’s disabled and although he would get up and cup feed her EBM (bottle refuser) it has too much of an impact on the rest of our lives and how he functions if he’s up in the night.

Whilst writing i’ve been laid on the bed being a human dummy to facilitate a nap. I wanted to scream at my lovely neighbour for trimming the hedge as the noise woke DD. I do everything I swore I wouldn’t. I bf to sleep and blame myself that she won’t take a bottle. I co-sleep and my back hurts in the morning from curling around her. I have absolutely no routine at all. I’m so scared of being this exhausted when I phase back to work which starts at the end of this month. I’m surviving on chocolate and coffee and feel like crying every day. I’m sorry I have absolutely nothing useful to add, but you are not alone, you’ve expressed just what I feel right now.

@IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn so sorry to hear that you’re in a similar boat how long has it been like this for you? It’s been a good two months for me now and I’m more than a little worried that things won’t naturally get better on their own for me. It’s really hard doing all of the nights solo isn’t it.

I know exactly what you mean about the feelings of blaming yourself for the things you’ve done. My SIL gave me the Gina Ford book when I was pregnant and I remember thinking to myself why do people do those awful minute by minute routines, that’s not how I’m going to parent at all, I thought it would suck all the joy out of being a mum. Well, months of crappy sleep is sucking a lot of joy out of being a mum too so boy do I no longer judge people that are into strict routines. I wish I could achieve some sort of routine.

I think my husband is really disappointed with the reality of parenting. He’s surprised that DS isn’t in an established routine for naps during the day eg morning nap at 9am or whatever and lunchtime nap always at 12pm etc. He would never say this to me because he’d know it’d really hurt me but I think that secretly he blames me for not having a routine in place. I have tried. I really have. I spent a good few weeks not really leaving the house, desperately trying to shhh my baby to sleep in his crib and get him to sleep on cue...I couldn’t make it happen. And honestly I judge myself as a failure for his every day. I find it humiliating when I meet up with people and they ask me about his sleep and routine. I try to make a joke of my answer but the truth is I feel awful about it.

I’m not really sure how long it’s been like this to be honest. She’s been a 2hrly feed kind of girl since birth but it did seem to space out around the 3 month mark and I’d get 3-4 hours sleep at the beginning of the night then again after a feed which was amazing. I felt so good! I live in hope of that again . Nights are so tough.

I desperately wanted a routine but I don’t give two hoots now. I think it’s helped me a bit just accepting that DD isn’t capable of that yet and I need to just go with it. It’s not your fault I’m grateful to MIL for telling DH and I repeatedly over the years how horrendous he was till he was 2 and how desperate she was for sleep. I think it kept expectations low for DH! Have you talked to DH about how you feel?

I laughed in the faces of the last three people who asked me if she slept through the night.
The usual opener is “is she a good baby?”
“Yes she’s amazing”
“Does she sleep?”
slightly hysterical laughter “No!”
Other person backs away slowly making soothing noises.

So and for you OP. I’m with you.

Sorry to hear things are still tough hiding.

I really, really hate the question ‘is she good?’ - like babies are capable of being good or bad! They are just tiny humans with no clue about the world around them.

I used to respond, ‘No, she’s a complete arsehole.’ That used to shut people up!

This has been one of my worst days. He’s cried most of the day. I just want to be on my own in peace for a bit. I’ve got no energy left whatsoever. How do people do this. I’m SO so tired.

Thanks for checking in @Sipperskipper I’m starting to feel like it’s never going to get any better.

@IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn you sound so chipper about it all. I really admire that. I wish I could just get on with it. I think I’m too burned out right now. I’ve cried so much today. Horrible horrible day and I’m slready feeling dread about the night ahead.

I will have to just abandon everything that I thought was right to do. I’m going to stop breastfeeding. I’m going to sleep train. I really can’t sustain this. I want to go back to work now and escape everything a bit.

Oh @Hiding I hope the day gets better. I remember that utter despair so clearly.

If you're going to bottle feed is there anyone that can come and give you a break? A friend with a mature teenager that could sit and hold little one whilst you have half an hour for a break?

It will get easier! If you feel it isn't, please reach out to the health visitor, gp, anyone that will listen.

You are certainly not alone (it's just everyone forgets how bad it was!)

Thanks @Memom. Don’t think today is going to improve. I just cannot stop crying today. Every time I try to get myself together I just feel the tears coming and I can’t seem to stop them.

One of my mum friends has just told me how brilliant her DD is sleeping... and naps like clockwork too! How she loves having such a set routine as it makes going out and making plans so easy honestly it’s just the nail in the coffin to hear that.

I’ve got no one who can give me a break, sadly. Only local friends are fellow mums with little babies of their own.

Health visitor is kind but haven’t found her to be particularly helpful I’m afraid.

I think I just have to write off today and hope tomorrow will be better. Thanks for the support.

Where abouts are you hiding Will happily come and feed / cuddle your DS if you’re in South Essex!

If you do decide to switch to formula, please don’t beat yourself up - four months is absolutely amazing! You sound like an absolutely wonderful mum. Because you are not enjoying it does not mean you love your DS any less.

I suffered with post natal depression earlier on in motherhood, and it was a very dark place. If you still feel this low in a couple of days, I think you should see your GP (whatever you decide about feeding). I was started on sertraline (bf safe) and within a couple of weeks I felt like me again.

PS - I don’t have any mum friends for the exact reason you’ve spoken about! Always a competition over something, whether it’s sleep, feeding, milestones etc. Made me paranoid that DD wasn’t rolling over when she should etc - so stressful!!

@Hiding I think the tears are better than trying to hide it! You can't bottle it up and the tears are just the emotion coming out - I'm a sobber whether it's good or bad! Is your DH aware how hard it is for you?

Wish there was something I could do. I remember feeling so utterly useless and everything seemed pointless because she cried regardless . I'm ashamed to say I fell in love with my youngest when she was about 18 months. I loved her up to then but not how I felt I should. At that point I stopped listening to people that said there was nothing wrong with her, I knew there was! (I was right).

I bet if there was a poll done on here about babies sleeping, most would be a nightmare or will have had at least has one baby that was a nightmare.

Have you tried anything like infacol or that sort of thing to see if it could be wind/discomfort that it unsettling little one? (I'm not trying to preach, sorry)

Honestly I was where you are now with my first except she had never had longer bursts of sleep. I am so stubborn I just kept going hating every minute of motherhood! The people who have dream babies will suffer later don't worry they will have awful toddlers or teenagers from hell!
I don't really know what to say. I just kept going because really what other option is there? I did end up having to go for counselling though when she was 2 and I still couldn't forget it all....

@memom it wasn't til 2.5 I suddenly fell on love with my first. I think it's not that uncommon.

Op do you have homestart volunteers in your area? They could be good for you as you have no family support

@hidingunderthesofa i'm sorry it's been another shit day. I don't feel chipper at all, but thank you. I feel hysterical and bitter and exhausted and guilty. I think i'm just so knackered now I don't even pretend to people it's OK. I never got on board with baby groups because it was too depressing hearing about schedules, sleep, feeding 4 hourly etc but DH came home and told me about a neighbours baby sleeping through. Didn't go down well. I am so so tired. I secretly hate everybody who sleeps more than me. I'm downstairs now with an angry, over tired, teething baby after cluster feeding all day and I feel absolutely furious that DH is probably asleep upstairs, even though I want him to sleep. I also feel like giving up bf or at least mix feeding. I just don't think I can cope with so little sleep. I had a break through in that she finally took 2oz of EBM from a bottle after trying since she was 6 weeks old. I cried with relief. The thought of this and work was just too horrendous.

Whatever you decide to do with feeding and sleeping you're amazing. Solo nights is no joke. Dealing with a crying baby all day is hell. Sleep deprivation is torture. I went to the GP today about something unrelated but it came up and was helpful. If you have a GP you like might be worth going? I'm sorry for such a long whinge, i've hit the wall tonight and it's not even midnight. I really really hope you're having a better one.

I can’t express how helpful it is reading all these lovely posts. Today I feel like a different person to yesterday. DS did over four hours for his first sleep and I put my phone down early on so I slept for at least 3 hours straight. He was then up every 1-2 hours after that but the first chunk of sleep helped carry me through and I’ve felt so much brighter today as a result.

Yesterday I’d started to think that I must have PND but I really do think it is ‘just’ the sleep deprivation that makes me feel so awful. I feel very different today. I’ve been smiley and chatty and responsive to DS all day (as I should be of course), and it’s come fairly easily. Not once have I felt annoyed when he’s cried or grizzled. And he has been smiley and giggly.

This is all really wonderful and I have enjoyed today so much more....however I’m feeling really anxious about tonight. Knowing that if I get just that first good stretch of sleep makes all the difference, I’m really scared that he’s just going to do a 2 or 2.5 hour stretch as that is what has happened after I’ve had one ‘good’ night. I’m truing not to have expectations but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t desperately hoping that this is a sign that things are going to keep steadily improving.

For those of you that have been through this, does it sound normal that even on ‘good’ nights, it’s only the first stretch of sleep that is any great length and the wake ups are still very frequent after that? Or should I be doing something differently? Wondering if he’s uncomfortable in some way and that’s what’s causing the wake ups?

@skippersipper bless you, that’s so sweet of you. Not in Essex sadly! I’m sorry to hear that you had PND, that must have been so tough. Did you not feel very isolated whilst on maternity leave if you didn’t have mum friends? For me it feels like on the one hand I find it SO hard feeling inadequate compared to other mums and feeling really envious of their better sleep...but equally without family or local friends who are around during the day it can get very very lonely.

@Memom I’d normally agree that it’s best to have a cry and get the emotions out but I cried loads in front of my baby yesterday, which I’m sure was upsetting and confusing for him.

My husband was lovely last night. Just listened to and supported me. He knows I’m really struggling but is a bit at a loss as to how to help...me breastfeeding plus his job requiring very long hours means he can’t take the strain off at night.

I’m so sorry to hear that you had such a difficult time of it with DD. I hope that you eventually got the support that you and she needed.

I have some infacol from when DS was tiny so I can give that a go this evening, thanks for the suggestion.

@HidingUnderTheSofa you've made my day! So glad you've had a better day

Things did get better for us, I stopped trying to do everything, stopped trying to please everyone and literally did what I could manage. Making the doc accept that there was a medical problem with DD helped, I wasn't going mad!

Hope tonight is a good one, fingers firmly crossed for you.