Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

This is all normal and just a phase, you just need to survive it.

This is absolutely not your fault, and stressing about it is like worrying over what colour his hair is, it’s just the way he is made and you need to just accept that there is nothing you can do except survive!

The mental torture of the sleep deprivation is causing you to doubt yourself. Don’t. This happens with a lot of babies, it’s normal to feel like this. It won’t last forever, just survive it.
Best of luck x

Hi OP, I am in the same boat and totally emphasize, mental health suffering too. I'm not sure how I private message on here but if you want to chat, feel free to contact me! X

You certainly have not failed - still EBF despite severe sleep deprivation- you are amazing!!

My champion 10 hour a night sleeping baby (was FF from 6 weeks) suddenly switched to waking every hour all night long at just before 4 months old. It was hell on earth. It is nothing you have or haven't done- it is the four month sleep regression. This regression is more like a transition - his sleep cycles are maturing so he will have periods of light and deep sleep, like us as adults. Each cycle is roughly 45 mins (daytime) and 90 mins (night time) - between each cycle he will wake slightly - if he isn't how he fell asleep, he will fully wake and need assistance to get back to sleep. Think of it like this - if you went to sleep in your bed cuddling your partner, but in the middle of the night turned over to get comfortable and you were in your garden, you'd wake up wondering what the hell was going on!

Rest assured, this will pass (DD is now 14 months old and has been sleeping like a hero again for months!) but there are some things you could try to help smooth the process.

My only suggestions / questions would be (just what helped and worked for me though - all babies are different!)

• Do you use a dummy? This helped DD massively. By 5.5 months old she could re-insert it herself too.
• How do you usually 'get' him to sleep? ie - is he rocked / cuddled / BF? Essentially he needs to fall asleep where you want him to stay asleep. This is where cosleeping may come in. (Or some gentle sleep training if co sleeping isn't for you).
• If the pram is working for naps, he obviously likes movement - you could try using a bouncer and rocking it with your foot while you chill for a bit.

Could you post a rough daily routine? Sometimes tweaking naps etc can help too.

Sorry I will try to reply individually to messages as you’ve been kind enough to reply to me!

@sweepthehalls yes I have a bedside crib. I sit on the side of the bed facing the crib to do night feeds. I used to fall asleep holding the baby in my arms during the early newborn weeks when I did feeds sat up in bed so I don’t do that anymore. Although it’s less comfortable, at least I’m not scared of slumping over the baby anymore.

@cel982 I will have another read up on it but the thought of co sleeping again makes me shudder (though I appreciate it works very well for lots of people and in fact I know lots of people say it was a life saver. I only say shudder because I found it made me so much more tired and uncomfortable). I think I will give things another month or so before I properly look at co-sleeping again; it would be a last resort for me I think. I had to spend a lot of time getting my baby getting used in sleeping in his crib and it would feel really tough to do what feels like taking a step backwards...feel like I’ve had so many of those already.

I also have a worry that sleeping with the baby right next to me would encourage him to wake up to feed more often if there’s constant access there for feeding?

@Cottipus I am so sorry to hear that you’re in the same boat! I know exactly what you mean about the weather. It feels very ungrateful but I find my heart sinking every time I look on the BBC weather app and see more hot days to come.

@3luckystars thank you for the support! I have a feeling you are right but I really want to be able to have some control over it just a little, to be able to improve things a teeny bit. Part of me knows that it is the sleep deprivation talking but I’m starting to feel like I don’t know how to parent my baby at all, like I don’t know how to play with him and make him happy. I remember there were a blissful few days or couple of weeks where I felt like I was getting decent stints of sleep and got into a bit of a rhythm (oh god I know that’s not the right spelling but can’t seem to figure it out with my hazy brain) with my days and everything was feeling just about manageable.

@4months so so sorry to hear that you are going through this too. How long has it been hideous for you? Do you have much support from family or a partner?

@sipperskipper do you remember when things started to get a little easier? I think one of the worst things about this is that I don’t know whether it’s a phase that I have to grit my teeth and just ride it out...if I had a rough idea of when things would start to get better that would feel so much more bearable. But I keep reading that if I don’t actively start to ‘fix’ his sleep now and help him to bridge sleep cycles that he will continue to wake up every two hours or less for forever more.
Don’t use a dummy; tried quite a lot in the early weeks and he never took one. Naps used to be in the sling or the pram. Back started to disintegrate from the sling naps (big baby) and I was also worried about creating a sleep association with movement so at maybe eight or so weeks I worked hard to get him to start taking some naps in the crib. This involved lots of tears, his and mine, but I’d started to make progress. I had one amazing day where I just placed him in the crib for a nap and he simply closed his eyes and went off to sleep. Most of the time though there would be a bit of grizzling and I’d have to stroke or pat him and shh him to sleep.
It’s getting so much harder to put him down though. Bedtimes used to be easy- just feed and plonk down pretty much. Now he will cry whenever I put him down (and will wake up if I try to feed to sleep and then transfer to crib). Will try to send a rough outline of our routine tomorrow

To me it sounds like you are doing great- even trying the odd nap in his cot is helpful, so he starts to get used to it. DD didn't start regular cot naps until about 6 months old.

With DD, I spent ages SShhhing and patting to sleep. There would be some crying / grizzling, but I wouldn't pick her up, just kept gently patting her chest so she knew I was there. (She was in a snuzzpod bedside crib). I found the baby whisperer EASY routine really helpful, and used a lot of her techniques to help settle DD. They are gentle but help to promote some independent sleep habits.

DDs sleep was 'fixed' when I bought a sleepytot bunny so she could insert her own dummy. She was waking up for it as she would fall asleep sucking it, but when she roused overnight and it wasn't there, she would fully wake up for it. But essentially, its not a case of trying to fix it - he will sleep eventually. You can either ride it out - embrace co-sleeping etc - which is a complete lifeline for many people, or look at some gentle sleep training (doesn't neccessarily mean controlled crying / cry it out etc).

During the time she wasn't sleeping, I was pretty obsessed with sleep - it was all I thought / talked about! It really is all consuming at the time. But it feels like forever ago now. Will come back later to have a look at routine.

As a Mum to two difficult and non sleeping babies I totally empathise. You are NOT a failure as a Mum. This is objectively hard. Some people land on their feet and have easy babies but even so they will struggle in different ways. All I can say is keep going, be really really kind to yourself. Set your expectations REALLY low. View naps as a bonus but don’t expect it to happen by routine. Fresh air and a brisk walk every day to give you some endorphin release.
Sending

Thank you @Srilli and @Sipperskipper.

I have been trying for about an hour to get DS to nap. Tried feeding to sleep on my bed, rocking pram in hallway, putting down in crib awake and gently shhhing, holding in my arm while walking, and now having another go at feeding to sleep.

Feels like it’s all gone to pot. For weeks I was following the Baby Whisperer routine of Eat, Activity, Sleep (never got to the You Time bit...) and wasn’t breastfeeding to sleep for naps or the first sleep of the night. That has all disappeared as I’m just doing anything I can to get him to sleep which I feel really rubbish about. The one time I put him down in his crib awake and he just drifted off to sleep without a whimper felt like such an achievement and pay off for all the naps I’d persevered with in his crib. I can’t imagine that happening now.

Just feels like going backwards all the time.

A rough idea of routine is feed him when he wakes up in the morning. If before 6am then try to feed back to sleep. If after 6am I open the curtains, say good morning to DS and smile and chat to him to clearly indicate it’s the start of the day.

Then put him on play mat or in bouncy chair and I alternate between playing with him and letting him do his thing while I potter around doing chores.

After he’s been awake for two hours, or earlier if he’s starting to grizzle, I put him in the pram and walk for his first nap of the day, which is anything from 30 minutes to an hour.

When he wakes up it’s more awake time at home, then a feed, bit more awake time and after two hours I’d take him upstairs, close curtains in bedroom, sing a short nursery rhyme as I put him in his sleeping bag (same song every time) and lie him down in his crib. He would usually start crying so I’d stroke his chest gently and shh him til he fell asleep. Now I think I’d really struggle to get him to nap in his crib so I’ve been doing more naps in the pram and feeding to sleep on my bed.

Naps every two hours or so for the remainder of the day. Bath is anywhere between 6 and 7pm, then sleeping bag in and feed and put down in crib. Used to be while awake but drowsy but again recently I’ve been waiting til he’s asleep and then putting him down as he is much harder to settle.

When he wakes up crying in the night I feed him, although I don’t attend to him if he’s awake but not crying. He’s also more difficult to put down after night feeds than he used to be.

My brain is like fudge today so I hope the above makes sense.

If you had no expectations of what you/baby were "supposed" to be doing, from books or from other people, I bet you would feel like you were doing really well! Which you are! Nothing has "gone to pot". This is just how things are right now, not good/bad, just what they are. Things may well change again tomorrow. There is no "supposed" about it.

I absolutely know what you mean @AssassinatedBeauty but I suppose it’s the fact that the sleep deprivation is really taking its toll on me physically and mentally now. I struggle to enjoy my baby some days due to feeling so exhausted. In the early weeks I was spurred on by the fact that he was bit by bit sleeping for longer chunks.

I also wonder daily if this sleep regression is going to naturally get better on its own or, if as lots of people say, if I don’t actively help my baby learn to bridge sleep cycles that he will be waking up every two hours for months to come.

Am I failing my baby if I say to myself ‘ok I just need to ride this out’ and not actively trying to get him as much sleep as possible each day.

Lots of people have very strong opinions about sleep. Personally I didn't try to do anything with my babies sleep, I just tried to cope with sleep deprivation as best as I could. I fed to sleep, co-slept, had my babies nap on my lap during the day etc etc. My eldest is 6 and has slept through the night since 11 months and has had no sleep issues from that point. My youngest is 2, and has slept through from about the same age. He took a bit longer to be happy to be put down awake, but he's brilliant now for naps and bedtime.

For me, I don't think it's necessary to try and teach children much about sleep. Simple things like once you're in bed, it's bedtime from then on of course, but not much more.

@AssassinatedBeauty that’s reassuring to hear. Did you experience sleep regressions with your DC where things all seemed to go to pot do you remember? My worry is that this has been going on for the best part of seven weeks now. When I read other peoples experience of the four month sleep regression they seem to say that it lasted for a much shorter period of time.

Be kind. Look at the gentle sleep book sarah ockwell smith and what you're describing sounds normal

You really remind me of me in those early months! I was obsessed with getting DD to sleep for naps etc, and I remember spending much of last summer in a dark room, ssshhh patting her to sleep whilst everyone else was in the garden having a BBQ!

It may be that he needs a little more time between naps, now he is older. I tried getting DD to sleep religiously after 2 hrs awake and it was getting to be more and more of a battle as the months went on. I was so worried about her getting overtired, I think she was actually undertired! I realised that she was starting to need less sleep as she grew. Perhaps try a little longer between attempting naps? That helped me, certainly.

Would you try a dummy again? Would definitely take some perseverance at this age, but could be worth a try?

Ps - you are not failing your baby whatever approach you take!! Ride it out, try some different techniques - he won’t be fussed, as all he cares about is you. Just do whatever you think will cause you the least amount of stress / exhaustion.

Hello. It is really really hard when children are little and don't sleep. I think you need to get rid of the idea that "if I do X baby will do Y" - "baby isn't doing Y therefore I have done X wrong therefore I am a FAILURE!"

What baby does is not very much within your control at all - your job is just to respond to what baby is doing and try to muddle through with it as best you can.

So many people think they are in control of what baby does and if things are not right then it means they have allowed things to get out of control.

The even more painful reality is that what baby does is not in your control and never has been. That is really tough to accept.

Your baby is really really really tiny. The reality is that you have a long long journey ahead while your baby grows up and it is going to take a LONG time until you have a child who sleeps at night, can use the loo itself, can broadly speaking manage its emotions, eats well, ca accept your authority, can share with other children nicely, can concentrate at school and fit into the norms of behaviour there and so on, its a long long process through infancy and toddlerhood to the sunny uplands (when they're about 7 or so).

Then you get a few golden years until pre-teen hormones strike. Now I must go I hear my tween having a strop upstairs because shock horror no one has put clean pants in her drawer, the audacity of it. ;-)

Good luck!

@HidingUnderTheSofa well done for sticking in there with the bf and gentle approach. I know how it feels, am about 6 months ahead of you and could have written some of your posts!

We also had an awful time at 4-7 months, it nearly broke me, and similarly I couldn't managed to cosleep (baby slept, I couldn't!)
We didn't change anything, but he started to sleep brilliantly at 7-9 months, like only waking up once a night!! :-)

Then we still didn't change anything, but from 9 months on he slipped back (another common regression age). The heat, and more teeth really haven't helped and we have 3-4 wake ups per night now. I'm feeling more relaxed about it all now though, having seen that temporary improvement. I'm sure it'll come around again.

How we're surviving at the moment is having DH go to him at at least one of the wake ups with a sippy cup of water and cuddles (sometimes works, sometimes I have to go in and bf), and also having a mattress on the floor of his room that I sleep on with him from dawn onwards to get a few more hours of dozing rather than us all being awake from 5am. That's working well - now he's bigger I seem to be able to feed him while lying down, he enjoys being cuddled while not feeding, and I can now relax more without fear of squishing him, or getting a sore back by lying there afraid to move!

Written down it does all sound a bit hellish, and if I'd known we'd still be doing this now back at 4 months I'd have cried. However we've found a way of living and working ok around it and have a happy, calm baby who can't help being woken by teeth/heat/busy-developing-brain, and knows he'll be comforted when he does.

@TheRealHousewifeOfCheshire a few people have mentioned Sarah Ockwell-Smith. I’d downloaded her book when my baby was teeny tiny and hadn’t got on with it but couldn’t remember why so started reading it again the other day.

It’s hard to explain but I find her approach to sleep really depressing to read (I will caveat this by saying I’m only part way through the book). I read an article that she wrote on why parents shouldn’t do sleep training. I found it really judgemental and I’m afraid it’s put me right off her approach. I will finish reading the book though.

@Sipperskipper your memory of trying to get your baby to sleep whilst others enjoyed the bbq really resonates. Just about every day I say to my husband that I worry I’m going to look back and regret the hours and hours spend trying to get my baby to nap in his cot or trying unsuccessfully to lengthen his naps. I never know if this would have eventually paid off or not. As it happens, the last few days I’ve been feeding to sleep for naps in desperation to get my baby to sleep. I’ve been feeding lying down but then after ten or fifteen minutes he will stir and if my boob isn’t available he will wake up crying. So I have to lie there for however long with him sleeping a bit then suckling, bit more sleeping, then more suckling. But I hate lying there with a sore nipple from this constant suckling. I really hate it and I don’t want to do it.

I have been tempted to try a dummy again but I don’t want to create further problems for myself in terms of him waking up at night needing it to be reinserted, or having to wean him off having a dummy as he gets older. I’m so scared of doing anything that will make things worse.

Your second message made me smile . But I do feel like it matters what I try. If I try something that involves him crying I’m so scared of scarring him for life. If I try to be the go-with-the-flow Earth Mother I worry that by not really working on maximising his sleep I’m damaging by letting him get chronically overtired. If I work on teaching him to ‘self settle’ and that involves crying then I worry that I’ll damage his emotional development. So it feels like I’ll get it wrong whatever I do!

@Bumpsadaisie feeling very aware that I have a long, long road ahead don’t feel at all cut out for motherhood. I have just left the baby with my husband and am currently hiding out crying in the room furthest away from where they are.

@user I’m so sorry to hear that you had such a rough time of it. Can I say that I really admire how gracefully you are dealing with your situation and I’m really pleased that you’ve managed to find a manageable approach that works for you.

I know, I know, I know I need to learn to accept my situation (Serenity Prayer and learning to accept the things you can’t change springs to mind...have I remembered it correctly?) but I feel lost. Lost and sad. Can’t seem to appreciate what I have alongside feeling so tired. I thought I would love, love, love being a mum. I love my baby so fiercely but don’t love being a mum a lot of the time so far.

Met up with an acquaintance a few days ago who of course has a brilliant sleeper. Gina Ford devotee and formula feeds; aghast at me breastfeeding on demand and said (to be fair it’s not just her, lots of people have said this) that if I just moved over to formula or mixed fed at least that I would get a ton more sleep. And I start to question myself- if I tried a bit harder to keep my baby on a schedule would he sleep better? Am I making life unnecessarily difficult by exclusively breastfeeding?

I don’t want to go into detail for fear of being recognisable but I had a difficult start to motherhood and then my main source of emotional support disappeared during the early weeks as well. Sorry this has turned into a ramble.

Hi @HidingUnderTheSofa I so relate to your posts it's unreal! I think it's the never ending questioning whether the sleep will improve which really gets to me. I get so angst in the evenings which probably does t help either! Sending supportive vibes to you!!

I tried not to think too much about the next stage and whether what I was doing now would cause issues later. If a dummy helps right now then use one. Worry about removing it later, when you have to, if it causes an issue which it might not. If you want to try mixed feeding then do that. Many many parents do a formula feed before bed or at night.

You're clearly doing an amazing job! Sleep deprivation is used as torture- it is!! Give yourself a break. Let him lie on the floor and learn to amuse himself just so you can just have five minutes for you. Take care of you! Relax. You're fab!

Ah the delightful 4 month sleep regression. We went from getting an OK night and then baby up at 6 ish to being sat downstairs wide awake at 3 am.

First off, you're not a failure as a mother. You're a mum with a sleep shy baby! Secondly, people tend to exaggerate when they say their babies are great sleepers. They may be some nights, but then the next night they may be pulling their hair out.

Try whatever gets the baby to sleep. You will get through the other side. If someone however tells you that you will look back on this and laugh, please give them a dead arm. It's shit. But it passes.

hiding sorry you’ve had such a tough welcome to motherhood. It’s hard enough at the best of times, without additional stresses and losses.

I tend to lean more towards the GF approach rather than Sarah OS, but it is really about what feels right for you. I’ve always been pretty relaxed about a bit of crying (have never actually needed to do CC, but I will let DD have a bit of a grizzle and see what happens). She’s literally the happiest 14 month old I’ve ever met - so it hasn’t affected her negatively! Don’t want to get into the pros and cons of sleep training (quite a divisive subject on MN!) but there is zero evidence to support the idea that sleep training (not leaving a baby to cry for hours on end, but timed intervals or gradual retreat approaches) affects a baby’s emotional development. Everything with regards to baby sleep approaches is theory and ideas.

I stopped BF at 6 weeks, and it was the best thing for us. I think you’re amazing still going at 4months. FF allowed us to get more of a routine, which DD thrives on - although it really is no guarantee. It was just a chance I took and it helped. Perhaps try the odd FF and see if it helps?

DD still has a dummy at 14 months (only for sleeps) and I know taking it away will be an issue in the future. But she loves it. It’s like a sleep cue for her and it really helps her to settle herself down. Burying my head in the sand for now though re:taking it away!

I WAS you OP and I have to be honest it took quite a while to get to a good place with my DS. He was a sling only sleeper for the first three months and I eventually HAD to co sleep, even though like you found it uncomfortable with one arm above me- but at least I was lying down resting rather than falling asleep sitting up!

My DS couldn't latch well and was tongue tied (spotted too late to fix) and so reluctantly moved fully to formula at 4 ish months. Until then he literally fed all night attached to me it was ridiculous. He was like a different child in the day though from them on, much happier, and would start to sleep for longer stretches. Still had a very tough 12 months with night sleeping with lots of ups and downs but by 18 months he was sleeping well.

He was having good naps in his cot by about 6 months old, he also always initially woke on the dot after 45 minutes but I was so bloody persistent at keeping to a cot nap routine. I made the choice to limit myself and not go off out whenever I fancied and eventually got to the point where he would sleep solidly for 2 hours- an absolute god send as a break.

I recognise the signs in what you say, feeling desperate, sad, not enjoying it, and it is only because you have no sleep. I can spot a mum in the sleep dep club a mile off now, such a different experience to those whose babies sleep, the whole experience just doesn't compare. So don't be hard on yourself, you deserve a medal for surviving it.

In terms of baby books try not to read too much as it is overwhelming. I drove myself mad doing it. You honestly get to know your baby best and if you try a few things you will find what works, I was a bit odd in not wanting to do too much sleep training when he was little as DS was very easy going in most respects (happy, good natured, not clingy in the day etc), but I was convinced he needed me nearby at night for a long time as he was so strong willed about it. So I rolled with it. I could eventually tell when he could cope without me and I was firmer with him then and did a bit of sleep training, i.e. when he was 'shouting' at me because he fancied some company at night rather than when he was crying because he was desperately in need of my comfort and presence. I am convinced that if you follow your instincts and listen carefully for the signs you will know when you can do some sleep training.

Now he sleeps 12 hour nights and is absolutely fine, so I promise you it will eventually get better!

Well I tried co sleeping last night after the first couple of wake ups. It was nice not having to get up out of bed to feed my baby but I got woken up every time he twitched around in his sleep, and also found it really physically uncomfortable. I kept wanting to turn over to lie on my side (so I would have been facing away from my baby) and I never know where to put my upper arm that’s furthest from the baby!!

Don’t think I’m going to bother with co-sleeping again (unless his sleep gets much worse...please no!). Not having to get out of bed didn’t really outweigh the physical discomfort of it.

@4months I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re going through similar. How was last night for you?

@AssassinatedBeauty won’t it cause me trouble now though? In terms of having to reinsert in the night?

@Memom thank you for the support! Really helps. Unfortunately over the last few weeks DS is less and less happy entertaining himself on the play mat with toys. He used to happily be in there for quite a while and I could be out of his sight (but I could see him) washing up or something but increasingly will cry unless I sit with him dangling toys in front of him or pick him up. Too young for separation anxiety surely? Adds to the difficulty of this current phase though. I feel like I barely get a moment to myself.

@Kr3000 thanks for making me smile I quite frequently want to give people a dead arm. Like when they ask me if DS is sleeping through the night. Or what his routine is. I wish there was one. I desperately want to be one of those mums that feeds their baby every three hours on the dot or whatever and puts them down for a nap at the same time every day.

I’ve filled up on sugary crap yet again to get me through the morning. Admittedly I have a very heavy pram but I found myself struggling to have the energy to push it round for an hour this morning. I worry that my sugar filled diet will be affecting DS via my breast milk. Does anyone know if that’s true?