Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

Thanks for the good wishes @Memom unfortunately it wasn’t a good night first wake up was 9.45pm and it was downhill from there. It’s so much harder after a better night the night before

Oh @IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn I’m so sorry, I really feel your despair and can relate to it.

Hearing about other babies sleeping well is awful isn’t it. That’s what makes it feel horrible for me, the thought that it’s not like this for everyone and the sneaking suspicion that I must be doing something horribly wrong for my baby to not sleep well.

I am supposed to be meeting up with mum friends on Friday and I’m not sure whether the company will be good or whether it will make me feel more down.

Have you had any more thoughts about whether to move over to mixed feeding?

Dreading the day ahead. I want to cry already. I wish I hadn’t had that better night the night before.

I just wish I knew where I’m going wrong. Surely he’s not hungry 90 minutes after a feed? So the feeds can’t all be hunger related?

By the way, congrats on her taking a bottle!!

My son was exactly the same at that age. Some days the only way to stay sane was to wear him in the baby carrier!

Sorry last night was crap hiding. Here’s hoping for a better one tonight.

I didn’t feel I really missed out on not having mum friends - my mum lives quite close by and works part time, so we see quite a lot of each other. My 2 best friends also work part time (one has a child, one is a freelance worker) so we meet up etc. Also quite like my own company!

I think that’s what I found so hard about BF - I never knew if she had taken much / was hungry etc. My friend’s child (2 years older than my DD) was EBF, and fed like clockwork every 3 hours. Unfortunately I based my expectations on this, and could not understand why DD was on the breast 24 hours a day!

I’m in a lovely facebook group of mums I met on here with babies born in the same month. A lot of them are bf, and what is going on with you and DS is very, very normal. Most of the bf babies (especially at around 4 months old) were feeding throughout the night, and I know many of the mums found cosleeping a life saver.

From my experience, it is pretty impossible to have any sort of routine with an EBF baby - feeding on demand is vital to maintaining supply etc. Are the mums you are speaking to breastfeeding??

Also, as great as routine is (as I say, was integral to my mental health and DDs sleep!) - it is quite restrictive. Even now I have to be home for nap times as she won’t nap properly in the car, and not at all in the pram - would just be an overtired mess!

Sending positive vibes (and sleepy ones for DS!)

@hidingunderthesofa you asked whether the sleep changes so they have longer stretches later in the night- well DD is now nearly 7.5m and it’s more common to do a longer stretch after the first or second wakes rather than at the start now. In some ways it’s better to get that long stretch after midnight/1am etc.

The sleep is still pretty unpredictable though- a few 4 hr stretches in the week, but still some 1.5/2hr bursts. We had one incredible night when she slept a 7 hr stretch, I thought she was sick! It didn’t last- but slowly we are seeing some improvement. For now.

Re the breastfeeding, once you start weaning day feeds will reduce. I still have to do 3 x night feeds at the moment, but only around 4/5 day feeds. But I know the nights are a killer and lonely when your OH is snoozing away.

I’ve decided to do some very gentle sleep training with me in the room- increasingly feeding/moving to sleep isn’t working and she gets so overtired and miserable. When she had the big sleep she was so smiley I asked her why she couldn’t do that all the time!

Sending wine and coffee anyway. And to all the other mums struggling out there!

@CharlieT85 dare I ask at what age things started to improve with your baby??

@Sipperskipper ah it must be lovely having your mum close by, mine is sadly not local to me and isn’t well so I am mostly putting on a brave face to her so as not to burden her. I really miss having her around and just having her support.
As far as I know the babies of my mum friends are breastfed but I have no idea if they are supplementing with formula.
Thank you for the sleepy vibes DS has not slept since 2.30pm today so I don’t have high hopes for tonight. But then again, yesterday I thought I got the naps perfect and the night time sleep was crap so who knows.

My husband and I are like ships in the night again. We wolfed down food as soon as he came through the door, he bathed DS while I brushed my teeth and I won’t see him til tomorrow evening. I really, really miss my husband and how our marriage used to be. I hope that we will at some point have more time for each other...please tell me that’s not forever impossible once you have a child

@Cottipus I’m really pleased that you are seeing some improvement, albeit gradual. Three night feeds a night sounds rough though.

I had previously hoped ((unrealistically) that I would see a huge, instant improvement in sleep once he reached six months and started solids but I’m starting to realise that if solids make any difference at all it won’t be for quite some time, when he’s eating a good amount of food.

What sort of sleep training are you doing? Something like gradual retreat?

I tried to resume naps in the cot with DS today. Failed to achieve it, in fact alll I achieved was a very upset baby and I had a cry too. I will try again tomorrow if I feel strong enough. I desperately need to be able to sit down/rest a little for at least one of his naps a day in order to cope with the nights.

I’m aiming to get to six months of exclusively breastfeeding but am going to order some formula with my next food shop as a back up. I hope I can manage another seven weeks but I’m going to try not to put too much pressure on myself.

I’m seriously considering getting some kind of live-in sleep trainer person to come stay for a week or so once DS is six months. Willing to throw money at the problem if it gets me some more sleep. Complete madness? Does such a person even exist I wonder?

@hidingunderthesofa it’s sort of gradual retreat but without the actual retreating yet! So staying with her and touching her whilst she settles in the cot at night. It does involve tears but leaving her would be even worse. I did it this afternoon for her nap on our bed- it took nearly half an hour of crying but then she settled and slept for 1.5hrs, with me periodically shushing and settling her back to sleep. I also had a doze myself on the bed next to her whilst she slept- it does help if you can manage it.

A friend forwarded me some sleep schedules so I’ve tried to follow that today and roughly achieved it. We’ll see how the night goes!

I have tried to cut down to 2 nightfeeds with no success unfortunately, she just yells and yells then when I do finally feed she takes a full feed and I feel terribly guilty. Maybe I need to up her solids, which I will start doing. She has a good appetite and is super wriggly, must burn it all off!

Unfortunately for us starting solids didn’t make any difference to her sleep, though she can go much longer in the day without milk.

I’ve seen some ladies on here mention getting night nannies in for a few nights to help. Let me know if you decide to do it- was toying with the idea myself to get a bit of a break!

I'm so sorry it was another rough night and day @hidingunderthesofa will he nap in the pram? I put DD in the pram for naps at the moment and walk her round and round the garden/village to get/keep her asleep and it often works for 30 minutes or so. My mum got a thin memory foam seat pad and I swear it's helped since moving out of the carry cot to the pushchair seat. She seems to have dropped nearly all naps the last 3 days. Havent managed/tried a crib nap in quite a while.

Stop telling yourself you're going wrong, it's just his developmental stage. I really don't think at this age we can influence things that much. If we can then i've really messed up as my two closest friends babies sleep way more than mine (one bf one formula).

I had the same goal as you re bf for 6 months & I can't let go of it just yet. The bottle has really helped my mental health in that OH can at least give her a little EBM so I can have a few minutes. I have a bottle of formula in....just in case. I also ate three chocolate bars before 11 am.

I've started weaning which does break up the day a bit. She's 23 weeks and seems to be enjoying it a week in. It wasn't in any hope of sleep but just because she was ready. She's still been waking 1-2 hourly for feeds as usual so we've continued to co-sleep in the small hours.

I hope if you see your mum friends it gives you a lift.

@hidingunderthesofa it was only a couple of weeks and then he settled down and slept much better. Whenever he has a phase it seems to last a few weeks then settles. Im hoping that is whats happening now at 22 months!

You're not going wrong. Your baby just sadly isn't ready to do it. I remember the first night dd1 slept through. I had done exactly the same things I'd been doing for months!
And yes you and your husband will get back to seeing each other again. With our second we just say to each other "oh well in a year we'll be able to go out/go away for the weekend" and it doesn't even seem that long away! Short years long days and all that.
Oh and if it makes you feel better I'm trying to get dd2 to sleep in her own bed at the mo, she managed 3 minutes before she woke up the other day!

So sorry your mum isn’t well. I definitely take for granted the fact mine is so close and able to support us.

Don’t worry, you will get that time with your husband again. I remember feeling like that, thinking when will we ever watch a film? Have a takeaway? Play scrabble and drink wine??? But now every evening is our own to do whatever we like. We’ve even had the odd weekend away.

Also forgot to mention that I am now 2 stone heavier than the day I gave birth, which I put down to binge snacking due to extreme tiredness at around 4 months. Although I’ve got no excuse now!!

Up every hour last night after 10pm. My whole body aches and my brain feels like cotton wool. Feels all the worse because the night before he did a 3.5 hour stint and then another 3 hour stint.
I’m wracking my brains trying to think what was different between the two nights but o can’t figure it out. Oh I hate the inconsistency. You have one good night and then get excited, thinking the tides are about to turn and then the following night is like a smack in the face. All I think about is sleep, sleep, sleep. I spend every free moment reading sleep books on my phone. Don’t feel like I deserve this. Handed DS over to my husband at 6am but of course I can’t sleep now so I’m lying here crying instead.

@sipperskipper yep, I eat crap all the time because I don’t have the energy to do anything but shove more biscuits in my mouth. I keep wondering if it’s affecting my breast milk and the baby’s sleep. It’s nice to hear that things went back to normal with your husband eventually. I hardly see mine and then feel resentful that he’s not around so I get trapped in this cycle of snapping at him and then apologising and being full of self loathing. I do wish sometimes he would say ‘it’s ok and understandable to not be the best version of yourself on so little sleep’.

@RangerLady you really think it will just click one day? I’m in floods of tears now and of course thinking about what I must have done wrong last night for him to wake up so often. The past couple of weeks for one nap of the day I’ve generally been feeding him to sleep and then letting him just latch on and off while he dozes as it seems to be the only way I can get a decent nap length out of him. Also it’s out of exhaustion when I can’t face pushing the pram around anymore. But I guess I wonder if I’m creating a horrible sleep habit where he wants to just suckle on demand all the time. So I think I should stop that. At night time feeds he will stop sucking for a while and seems to just be comfort sucking so I will unlatch him(because I could be there all night otherwise) and then he will resist because he was all happy and comfy as he was. I guess it’s not fair to let him do that during the day but then not at night.
Any joy with getting your dd into her own bed?

@charlieT85 oh that must be a little more bearable if horrible phases normally last a couple of weeks. I guess you can sort of grit your teeth knowing that the end is in sight at least. Unfortunately this crap sleep has been going on for weeks and weeks and weeks now for me. Fingers crossed that things improve for you soon!

@IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn yes we do most naps in the pram these days. Before the crap sleep I’d spent a few weeks getting DS to nap in his crib but I’ve all but given up on that lately. Just don’t have the energy or the heart from any more tears. Like you, I don’t seem to be able to get longer than half an hour out of him that way and it’s a bit crap because it means I can’t sit down and have a little rest but I guess it’s better than nothing...sorry I’m struggling to see anything in a positive light this morning.

That’s great about the memory foam pad. Do you know where your mum bought it from? Great to hear that solids are going well. I am not looking forward to that because I keep thinking that it’ll just mean stomach upsets and grumpiness for him.
He’s always been quite a farty baby so I can see him having problems digesting food. It’s another reason I’m hesitant to introduce formula although my husband is pressuring me to. But it’ll be me, not him, dealing with the consequences if it upsets the baby’s stomach.

Meet up with mum friends got cancelled but we are meeting up next Wednesday instead and I will make myself go even if I don’t feel like it.

@Cottipus well done on the nap success, that’s brilliant! You should feel very proud. How did the night go afterwards?

I’ve done the same re night feeds before, thought he can’t possibly be hungry again because it’s onlu been X amount of time since the last feed so I’ve tried and failed to settle him in other ways. When I’ve finally feed him he’s taken loads of milk and so I’ve felt horrible.

Not going to get a night nanny in because o can’t really see the benefit while I’m breastfeeding. Even if I was organised enough to express s nights worth of milk for them I still don’t think I’d do it because I’d find one night off really hard...it’d make the following night much more difficult I think. I already find it really tough to cope if I’ve had one better night as I’m so crushed when it doesn’t happen again the next night. If you go ahead do let me know how you get on.

@hidingunderthesofa Weds night went well- only woke twice with one 4+ hr stretch. Then Thurs/Friday normal service resumed, I couldn’t get her napping with the schedule (she needs to read it- lol!) and we were back to three night feeds and some settling in between.

We seem to get an odd good night 1/2 times a week but the rest aren’t great. I think she consolidates for the days she doesn’t sleep so well.

I know what you mean about the false hope of getting a good night though! Every time I think maybe we’ve turned a corner then it’s back to 3+ wakes again.

I think around the 6 month mark I started to adjust to the constantly broken sleep and strangely felt better as a result. I hope that’s the case for you and things start to improve.

Weaning didn’t adversely affect her sleep and she was a windy baby so you may be fine there. Can’t comment on formula as she won’t drink it (and is a bottle refuser).

Hi @HidingUnderTheSofa sorry to hear things aren't improving. Is he a wriggler in his sleep? Just a thought, DS used to wake himself by either leg or hand touching the side of the cot or pram. He went in a full size bed at 9 months and improved (although still difficult). He slept with one of my t-shirts for years. I'd wear it for the evening then give it him at bedtime. The things you do eh!

Really hope you get some much needed rest.

@HidingUnderTheSofa I think the pad was from mamas and papas. Who knows if it makes any difference. I was looking at a myhummy or something similar this week. Tried a playlist of white noise......no difference. Really can’t afford to shell out on random gadgets but I feel like i’d try anything.

I walked to town this week and she woke as soon as I got home and unlatched the gate. I was on my knees but had to walk her round the garden. Infuriatingly she stayed asleep in the pram for my DH today. I could scream sometimes with the frustration.

I was worried too about DD being worse on solids as she’s very gassy but she’s been fine. Spat most of it out but she’s enjoyed throwing it about. Saw my amazing health visitor this week in desperation. She was very straightforward as usual as I was worried about her sleeping in the pram/after feeds/co-sleeping. Told me to stop worrying about sleep associations till she’s nearer one and just survive till then however we can. She said she was sorry it probably wasn’t much help to say that but I actually found it helped to relieve the mum guilt. She also told me to stop faffing about steaming veg and give her potato for tea with butter and some sweet veg mixed in to give her more calories and eventually hopefully more sleep.....did it last night and got a four hour block. I am hoping desperately it’s not a fluke. I’m sick of breaking things from dropping them because i’m so tired.

As usual, I really hope today is better for you.

Also really sorry if I seem unhinged with total despair then all positive. It’s the lack of sleep. I used to be quite a level, mellow sort of person.

@HidingUnderTheSofa I'm so sorry to hear of your sleepless nights bless you. I'm sorry if this has already been suggested but have you checked isn't anything else going on...my dd1 slept quite well until 4months when it all went to pot day and night...at 6 months when weaning her I discovered she had a milk allergy. After cutting it out of my diet approx 4 weeks later (when should've been out of my system) she started sleeping amazingly well! It may just be coincidence but I think perhaps the dairy via my milk was causing her discomfort.
Just a thought and you may already have explored this so sorry for repeat if you have.

Hi @hidingunderthesofa - just checking in and hoping you are doing ok?

@skippersipper thanks, still very tired Last night was pretty crap. After the third wake up (which was all of forty minutes after I’d last put him down) I decided to try co sleeping with DS in my bed so I didn’t have to keep getting out of bed...but the lying down to feed seems to be outweighed by DS not sleeping that well next to me and therefore neither do I. So I think it’s back to traipsing back and forth to pick him up from the cot time after time, sadly.

I just wish there was a little bit of predictability. I find it really stressful not having a clue how many times I’m going to be up and consequently how hideous I will feel the next day.

I think DS is taking most of his milk in at night rather than during the day. Whilst I’m not saying that’s the sole cause of him waking up I don’t think it will be helping. Not quite sure how to reverse this. I’ve always been a feed on demand kind of gal but maybe I need to try to space his feeds out somehow so that he’s really hungry and feeds for a decent stint during the day.

@BabyBobbins32 that’s definitely something to think about. What made you suspect an allergy and how did you get it diagnosed, if you don’t mind me asking?

You are not a failure. My twins were awful sleepers from 2 months, everyone said they’d sleep when they were ready and I thought it was bollocks but it was absolutely true.

@IsItBiggerThanTheBoxItsIn oh I so know that heart sinking feeling when you are absolutely exhausted and desperately don’t want to walk be blooming pram any longer but you have to in order to get the baby some daytime sleep.

I can feel the exhaustion/desperation in your posts and really feel for you how lovely that you have a nice, supportive health visitor. Sounds like total sense what she said about just surviving however you can, sometimes it helps just to have the go ahead from someone else doesn’t it.

I’m really heartened by what you said about solids not making your baby’s tummy worse, that’s good to know. Get that mashed potato and butter down her! hoping you’ve had another four hour block or two since you last posted?

@Memom interestingly for weeks when DS would wake up I’d find he’d manouvered himself round a 90 degree angle but he doesn’t seem to be doing this so much over the last week or so. Weird. He’s in a full size cot now but I do think his startle reflex is still fairly strong. I sometimes see him about to drop off and then his hands jerk and seem to prevent him going off a few times before he finally drops off.
I am trying to introduce a little comforter for nap times (too much of a wimp to give it to him overnight at the moment as following sids guidelines of nothing in the cot at all before six months). Thank you for the continuing good wishes.

@Cottipus I don’t really know whether to say congratulations on the better night last week as I know it’s reslly hard when they go back and forth and your hopes get dashed. Have you had any further good nights since then?
My husband is very keen for me to start giving DS formula in the hope of him sleeping longer but I really want to get to six months exclusively breastfeeding him. So I’m trying to hold out til six months and will assess the situation again then. I don’t particularly want to start formula feeding if I’m honest (disclaimer- absolutely not criticising anyone who does formula feed, I wholeheartedly agree with mums choosing what’s best for them and their baby, ‘fed is best’ and all that) as I’ve been lucky enough to be able to breastfeed, but with a lot of difficulty on the way and having got this far I don’t really want to start a different feeding method.

@HidingUnderTheSofa I didn't even consider allergy until started weaning and I noticed she was going red around mouth after products with dairy in. I cut it out of my diet straight away and didn't give to her directly either. Got doc to refer us to allergy specialist and got tested there and given special diet plan to try and reintroduce (still working through that now at 3yrs old!). I think the test is cutting out if diet to see if symptoms improve and then reintroduce after about 3-4weeks and if get worse again then likely allergy so then get referral...we only got referred straight away as allergy was clear through weaning.
I think symptoms before weaning can be poor sleep, eczema, reflux/silent reflux, diarrhoea...

@hidingunderthesofa no further long stretches, alas! Most nights I’ll get a couple of 3hr stretches though so have to be grateful I suppose!

Last night I only fed her twice, at 12.30 and 4.20 but she woke twice between those times and I spent the best part of an hour resettling her. I could have done it in minutes if I fed her but that’s not the point- I don’t want to be woken every 1-2 hours from midnight to 6am. I have mums with babies of the same age and they only feed once overnight/ sleep through so I know she doesn’t need 3 feeds.

I now believe she’s waking from habit rather than hunger as how much she eats during the day has no bearing at all on her sleep.

You may find formula/weaning makes no difference to his sleep anyway. Once you are weaning milk feeds start to reduce during the day so you may not want the faff of making up bottles as well as solids.

We no longer co-sleep (she was too wriggly and frustrated being constrained) but I sleep in a bed next to her open cot. It makes night wakes easier but we’re still in our own space.

Apologies, I can’t remember if you mentioned earlier but could it be teething? DD got her bottom two teeth around 5 months. I can only describe the teething cry as blood-curdling. And it makes for very unsettled sleep.

Anyway, I keep thinking about you and alll the other exhausted mums on this thread and hoping that you are all managing as best you can!

Wow your still breast feeding!!! Your amazing!!! I only managed a month, my girl just wouldn't stay on the boob, I cried and felt like a terrible mother when I gave her formula. I'm so so jealous that you are still breast feeding. We all have our things we feel like we are failing at. Give yourself a break. Don't stress about a bedtime routine atm. He is still so young, that will come. Also if you have guests this could be disturbing his routine. Also sounds like he maybe hitting a growth spurt, sleep suffers during this time.

When my girl wont settle I do these things which I think help:

1. Put breast pads in the cot under the sheet, so she smelt me.
2. Put a hot water bottle in the cot to warm it up, obviously take it out before you put him in. Then he shouldn't have a shock when you lay him down.
3. White noise app on my phone worked wonders!
4. Give him a dummy (I know I'll Get slated for this but I don't care, I need my sleep to be a good mum)

And if this failed I got up with her, went in the spare room and put the tv and chilled with her on me until she passed out. I know it's bad but there was only so much I could take of sitting in a dark room on my own feeling stressed!

I remember one night being so bad and being so exhausted I tied her to me with a sling (on my chest), propped myself up with pillows all around me and fell asleep. I know it's not safe sleep guidelines but I needed the rest! I felt like I was hitting by a brick wall.

Your not a terrible mother.....your awesome! Try to keep your chin up, and ask one of those house guest to help out!! Can you express and get them to do a night feed so you can have a sleep?

Sending hugs xx

I read this thread at 4am when my husband was in the baby's room trying to settle him back to sleep as he'd woken only 90 mins after his last feed (he's 6.5 months). So I'm not going to offer you any advice on improving his sleep, but I'm sending you lots of solidarity and hugs! Hopefully the number of mums who've popped up on this thread to share their experiences will help you see you are definitely not a bad mum. It's very cheesy but my husband always tells me I'm such a good mum that baby just wants to hang out with me all the time, even in the middle of the night... cheesy but sometimes raises a smile.

I think as time has gone on (we've had periods where sleep has improved and where it's got worse - we're in a bit of a blip at the moment) I've learnt to cope with it better. I read something on here about trying to make sure you find time every day for something you enjoy, some self care and something intellectual. If I achieve 2 of those and we're all still alive at the end of the day I count it as a good day! I think just trying to carve out a little bit of time to feel like you can really help even if you have to be creative about it. Some things that have helped me:

My ds also wakes up if the pram stops but will sleep if I jiggle it a bit. Would that work with your little one? I've found a lovely shady park bench and I push the pushchair back and forth with one hand and catch up on instagram / send emails / eat chocolate with the other and enjoy some fresh air

I too can't sleep even if my husband gets up with the baby on a weekend morning... but i do stay in bed for half an hour and catch up on tv or read a bit of my book

Little luxuries - I treated myself to some lovely shampoo and shower gel. If I'm only going to get 30 secs to myself every day then I'm going to try and make that 30 secs feel like I've been in a luxury spa for a week!

I know they're all just tiny things but looking for opportunities like that to take care of myself a bit more has really helped me to cope with the sleep deprivation. And their sleep will improve. I don't know when, and it may be a bit of a bumpy ride getting there, but eventually they will sleep and we'll appreciate it all the more