Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

Awwwww I could have written every message on this thread! I started having hallucinations I was so tired at 4 months! Feels like a lllooooonnnggg time ago though now.

Here are my suggestions to add to the wise words you have had already:

1. This isn’t your fault. Like a lovely poster upthread, I’ve got 3. 1 slept, 2 didn’t. I, my breast milk, etc, all were the same for each of them. Conclusion: not your fault, it’s baby’s

1. At this stage, my DH and I had a crisis meeting a brainstormed ways to make it better. We eventually got a night Nanny for 3 nights (combined Christmas present to each other). I felt so much better able to cope after 3 nights sleep.

1. I am a MASSIVE BELIEVER in dummies. I started them with my twins around 4 months old in desperation, and they were like an off switch. They do fall out, and we had to do some intensive training so they could put them back in themselves, but TBH it’s loads less effort to get up to find a dummy than to BF, rock, cuddle, sing, whatever else you are doing. Plus, anyone can do it. Plus, it’s a massive and brilliant sleep cue. Plus, when I was fed up with them the dummy fairy visited and swapped them for scooters and not a murmur was raised.

1. I would give it 5 mins to extend a nap then stop, because it’s MASSIVELY frustrating for both of you, and the key is to reduce stress.

1. Things will get better WRT playing together etc. I think weaning helps - loads of fun, an obvious activity, instant structure to the day.

1. Small babies (and this is a closely guarded secret), while cute, are not as much fun as older kids. You just have to keep you both alive and relatively healthy and wait it out until the good times start.

I forgot 7. which is that you needn’t think you have broken him forever because you can always sleep train him when he is older. I did gradual retreat with the twins - took a while but no crying and very effective.

Hope last night was better. Thinking of you

Have been thinking of you too -hope you are doing ok.

Hello all! Thanks for all the messages of support, means so much

@4months how are you getting on? Hoping you had a better night last night. I do have a garden but if I wheel the pram through the house to it he will always wake up before I make it outside unfortunately! I do take him out in the pram a lot for naps, my step count is certainly nice and high at least. Really wanting to get DS back into the habit of doing at least one nap a day at home in cot to give me a bit of a break. Unfortunately I’ve let that slide in recent weeks so I think it will be a struggle to start doing that again I don’t feel like I can cope with lots of tears. A month or so back I was convinced that getting DS used to napping in his crib was important and worth persevering with but I just don’t want my boy to be sad. I have this conflict between not wanting him to be upset but also wondering if I am letting him down if I don’t help him learn good sleep habits.

@AssassinatedBeauty the last few days I’ve tried to feed him to sleep at home to give myself a break from pounding the streets with a pram but he’s either not fallen asleep or has woken up within ten minutes. I don’t know why he’s suddently waking up from naps after such short periods of time. Yet another sleep mystery to ponder...

@MarshaBradyo if I put him on my chest he’d tend to strain and wriggle around and look around to see what interesting stuff there is to look at over my shoulder I feel like this is a bit of a cliched thing to say but DS is a very alert baby, always has been but increasingly so these days.

@Redpandamonkey oh I’m so sorry to hear that, sounds really tough. You’ve probably heard this a thousand times but any luck with putting your baby in a sling? I know that doesn’t solve anything but at least it keeps your arms free for a bit? Any possibility that she has reflux and that’s causing her to be uncomfortable when you put her down?

You aren’t letting him down if you don’t teach him good sleep habits. There was a thread here a little while ago about whether you were sleep trained as a baby and how well you sleep now. There didn’t seem to be much association between the 2!

thread about sleep trained adults

I've not read the whole thread but I just wanted to add that my MIL proudly announced that "all 3 of mine slept through by 6 weeks".

Well 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼 was all I could think!

The 4 month regression seemed to stay with us for about a year.

I don't know if it's worth me writing, but my first was renowned as the worst sleeper in the gang... She didn't sleep night or day. I walked miles to make her nap in her pram, my mum commented on how thin and ill I looked. I hallucinated. I briefly fell asleep at the wheel but luckily woke from the sound of branches hitting the car. I was suicidal and had a bag packed to leave. I was adamant she wouldn't sleep in my bed and she never did, I just tortured myself.
Maybe I will make you feel worse (but I hope not!) She learnt to sleep when she was personally ready I laid foundations but I had to wait for her. She is now getting on for 4 and is one of the best sleepers I know.

I did use tips from the gentle sleep book, having a comfort object (a blankey) helped her. She was 15.months when she slept through but had been improving a lot since 10.months.

None of us can predict when your babies sleep will improve, but if I survived you will too. Find some friends who tell it like it is, mine make everything bearable as we moan together over sleep, tantrums, sassy threenager....

In most unexpected fashion I decided to reproduce again. She's like yours was actually sleeping ok til 4.months now.needs to be glued to me at all times (at 4mo with my 1st I said "you can't regress from nothing"). But we just cosleep. She is a smiley baby and I don't feel like death!

Just do anything to get yourself through. You're doing fine. Your baby is going to be fine, just like how my angry tired 1st turned in to a caring, funny, chatty GOOD SLEEPER!

That’s a nice story Ranger. If I’d read that when the twins were babies I’d have laminated it and stuck it on the fridge for moral support!

On the 5th wake up of the night already everything aches and I’m dreading tomorrow as I know I will struggle physically and mentally.

First ‘long’ stretch of sleep was 2.5 hours, what a joke. Hate my life.

Don't feel like a failure!

Some babies sleep, some don't; it's all the luck of the draw really. Hopefully this will just be a temporary blip for you, but if it's not, don't blame yourself. Just try to grab sleep whenever you can and know that this, too, will pass and before you know it, you'll be the mum of a teenager who sleeps too much.

My DD was 3 before she "slept through", the worst part for me (apart from sleep deprivation) was feeling like a failure when everyones first question was always about sleeping, or the lack of. Hope you have better luck than me!

Oh, and what made it so much better for me, was co-sleeping from when DD was about 4 mths (also EBF). Neither of us would have to be really disturbed for night time feeds, so it was much less tiring.

I remember this phase really well even though it was ten years ago, it was brutal and brought me to my knees. My dh suggested a night nanny, I couldn't bear the idea of showing someone else how incompetent I was. I was an idiot, I needed a break and some sleep, no one was looking to judge. Beg, borrow or buy any help you can lay your hands on. It does pass and my pair have slept well for years but four months in all of your reserves have gone and the days ahead can seem very long. It does get better, it is nothing to do with your parenting.

Lots of great advice on here but I just wanted to add that you are definitely not failing, I've found with my DS that just as I think we've cracked the sleep thing he'll have a regression or something and it's all up in the air again - waking, crying, refusing to nap etc! Things that worked for us when he was 5-6 months old were a sleep sack, blackout blinds and white noise, every time, even the short naps. It did seem to put a bit of structure to it being time to sleep and I think it made a difference (for a while a least!). Good luck!

OP, you know why everyone you speak to has a baby that's sleeping through the night?

It's because those of us who have babies like yours often stay at home to grab any chance of sleep they can.

I gave up going to baby groups when DD1 was like your DS. The pressure to not be "that mum" whose baby cried all through the group with tiredness, who had to jiggle about wearing a front pack in the corner while everyone else happily chatted away, desperately hoping to get a nap going, who never even got a bloody cup of tea or a biscuit, and left feeling utterly depleted - was too much for me. It caused me more stress than staying inside with the baby on my own all day.

There are so many of us out there whose babies JUST WILL NOT SLEEP, so you are not alone, and you are certainly not a failure.

I sleep-trained at 5 months, which isn't for everyone, but it saved my sanity. I'm not advising you to do the same, but you certainly wouldn't be alone in that either if you chose to go down that route.

We ended up putting dvds on for DD (TV in bedroom). Worked for us. She’s a teenager now, v bright, not addicted to telly or computer games or anything I.e. not scarred for life! Do whatever you need to to get some sleep yourself.
It won’t be forever. Try and chill a bit your baby will pick up on your frazzled vibes. Good luck.

Will reply to everyone’s messages in a bit when my head is less foggy but @Limpshade what you wrote made me cry;

I gave up going to baby groups when DD1 was like your DS. The pressure to not be "that mum" whose baby cried all through the group with tiredness, who had to jiggle about wearing a front pack in the corner while everyone else happily chatted away, desperately hoping to get a nap going, who never even got a bloody cup of tea or a biscuit, and left feeling utterly depleted - was too much for me.

Yes, yes, yes. I am that mum

I am going to have to get DS to nap in his crib today. I am too tired to walk the pram for miles, I can’t face feeding to sleep only to have him spring awake again after five minutes. I have to get him to sleep in a way that’ll give me a bit of rest too. I keep thinking I’m going to have to get some strict routine going- feeding to a schedule and putting down for naps at specific times. God it won’t work for me will it, I know it even as I type.

I have no local support network. My only local friends are fellow local mums, mums with sleeping babies who trot off to mum and baby keep fit classes...oh to have the energy to exercise.

Oh no, OP, I didn't want to make you cry! Just to let you know that there are loads of us who GET IT. I am a totally "failed" mum - I left one baby group halfway through when I found myself standing outside the room in tears, trying to get DD1 to sleep in my arms. I cried because the other mums were making baby rattles and I wanted to join in. I cried over making a sodding baby rattle! I was too embarrassed to go back in having so obviously been crying and I'd got all my stuff with me anyway so I just got in the car and never went back! I wasn't depressed, just frustrated and resentful that everyone else seemed to be having this wonderful experience of new motherhood while I was secretly wishing the time away. But you are not alone (and neither was I, I just didn't realise it)!

Try to just take one day at a time. Give yourself a silent thumbs up at any small achievement - the baby settled before 9pm so you got to watch a bit of TV, or you drank a cup of tea while it was still warm, or you had a lovely giggly moment with your DC, whatever it is - and tot them up at the end of the day. There will be something, however small, to cling onto.

Mine did a massive sleep regression around the same age, in fact one slept through from 10-7am one night, I was so excited and thought I had 'cracked it' and the next night he woke up every hour!!

Don't worry about it and certainly don't let other people tell you you are doing it wrong, you are doing the best you can. I found a books called the no cry sleep solution by Elizabeth Pantley very helpful, it was informative and gave some ideas without being prescriptive, and I found improved things at a pace I was comfortable with.
When you are tired it's hard, so please don't berate yourself. It will improve.

Oh OP, I really really feel for you!

I'm another one with three DC who all slept differently- DC1 was rubbish, DC2 was amazing, DC3 was actually the worst of the lot but by then I knew "this too shall pass" and I got a lot less stressed than with DC1. With DC1 I so recognise the things you are saying about being cross with yourself for getting lax about persevering with cot naps, worrying about getting him into a routine, scarring him for life etc. Honestly, if I could go back in time and do something differently, it wouldn't be to try x and y magic solutions that might have improved things, it would just be to worry and obsess less about it all!

Do whatever you need to do, don't fret about setting up bad sleep associations or scarring him for life, get as much help as possible from your husband and anyone else who offers. Most importantly, don't think of yourself as a failure. You are an amazing mother getting through the trickiest part of parenting I've had to deal with yet! (My eldest is 12 now and nothing else had been this hard.)

Oh OP, everything you write is oh so familiar I too only managed one baby group session, I have never felt so inadequate in my life! Baby screamed the whole time, everyone had the perfect baby, perfect outfit, perfect meal plan, gym routine and sleep!! I left in tears and never returned.

I now realise (6 years on) I can't actually remember how little one looked, things we did as a family, milestones she reached all because I was so totally shattered. One night whilst feeding her my wardrobe began to walk across the room, I was totally freaked out, woke DH sobbing and shaking. He thankfully realised I was exhausted rather than mad and he took 3 days off work. I fed baby and he did everything else, including rocking the pram endlessly. It was hard but saved us!

Do you have a decent gp? Health visitor? I'm no expert but could little one have something like silent reflux and that's the reason for his waking so quick and often?

Take care

I was that Mum too. Don’t be sad, I’m not that Mum any more. Where do you live? If it’s near me, come and have some tea and cake.

I flounced out of my NCT WhatsApp group because their kids were all sleeping and I couldn’t hack it.

Don't worry about bad sleep associations - they get it in the end. Mine was rocked to sleep for ages as it was the only way we could get him to sleep. He had naps on the floor, sofa, wherever he gave in because he screamed if he was in the cot. We had to do gradual retreat at one point but it was fine and now he sleeps on his own when we've said goodnight.
They all get there, just some are worse than others!

I'm so sorry to hear how hard you are finding things and I remember days like that so you have my sympathy!

I've tried to read everything so I don't duplicate advice, all I wanted to suggest trying (which you are going to hate me for considering how you are feeling about naps atm) is trying to get him to nap sooner? At 4 months old, in my experience, an hour awake is enough for a baby to be tired again and particularly if he is overtired already stretching to the 2hr point might just be too much for him.

I echo what others have said about books being rubbish but the one thing I have found useful as a guide is the wake times on the baby sleep site (ignore everything else on there) my daughter followed those times really closely and I still find at 11m that if I keep her awake too long then she's really hard to get to sleep and has a shorter nap.

Also agree with trying a dummy again if you want to, my son had one and my daughter doesn't and although neither are great sleepers my son certainly napped away from me a whole lot more, when he was right next to the bed I could pop it back in without fully waking and only feed him if he persisted and I took it away at age 2 without any fuss. Luckily I have cracked co sleeping with my daughter as she uses me as a dummy (as nature intended I suppose but that doesn't make it any easier)

Hang in there! The fact you even care about whether you are doing a good job means you probably are!