Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

Oh OP I’m sorry you’re still not feeling great. Just to reiterate. How your baby sleeps is in no way a reflection of your parenting. You’re doing a fantastic job, never forget that.

I’ve been exactly were you were. They sound like very similar babies. But I’ve now come out the other side, and honestly, the bad times melt away and you do forget.

Lack of sleep does things to you, and affects you in ways you cant imagine before your have a baby. It consumed my life. Nothing was more important than my lack of sleep, my life revolved around it. It constantly felt like a dark cloud. But when sleep finally came it was gone instantly. Now that I can see the wood from the trees i look back on it with a totally different perspective.

Believe me, I know it’s so bloody hard, but your little one is still so very young and not sleeping through and erratic sleep is very very normal and common. It’s nothing you’ve done. I see your little one can self settle now, that’s fab! But it’s isnt the holy grail of sleeping through like many preach it to be. Some babies do it simply when they are ready and there’s nothing you can do. With my DS it happened very quickly and randomly. He just didn’t wake up one night. Since then it’s been pretty plain sailed bar a few nights here and there. I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t really enjoy the first year of motherhood and I only really felt I got a handle of things when he was sleeping all night.

With the breastfeeding, again I 100000% get you. DS never took a bastard bottle and I’m not even exagerating that I tried them all. Spent so much money. Even one of those special Minbie ones. I tired every technique, every way. He just never took it ever. Short of leaving him to starve I had no option but to keep going. It is limiting and I did feel trapped. That’s what got me the most. I could never get a break as hed always need me, even on my knees with exhaustion. I could go out for a couple of hours yes, but it wasn’t enough. I always knew I’d breastfeed but the reality of how hard it is hit my like a kick in the balls 😂I’d cry about how I hated it, how id never do it again ever ever ever.... DS is almost 20 months and we a still going 😂 because even given the choice I haven’t stopped now. As soon as he started eating more real food at 11 months it got better. When he starting sleeping through it got better. I went back to work and he adjusted fine all day without boob. I finally felt comfortable to leave him overnight and he was fine. Everything was different. I now wasn’t tied. I had freedom again and he always had (and still has) a great time when away from me. The experience is now totally different and I love the bond we have and I am so prions we kept going. Now if you ask me would I do it again. I probably would in all honesty. I would just try my best to introduce a bottle earlier to make sure I didn’t miss the boat like I did with DS.

Looking back although at the time it felt like an eternity (and that I could actually die 😂) it really is such a short space of time. Unfortunately this is just one of the hard parts that comes with the territory. Things do change, and I promise you won’t feel like this forever. I swore blind I’d have no more as I clearly wasn’t cut out for it, but I know I definitely will. You honestly do forget, and I know that next time around I will be 1000000% more chill 😂

Keep going OP, you’re smashing it and remember your little loves you more than anything in the world ❤️

Oh @Mississippilessly you poor, poor thing. I feel for you; four months is SUCH a crappy time for sleep for so many people. The things that really helped me at that point were: posting here and getting so many lovely, kind words of advice or just support. It never fails to amaze me just how cheering it can be to read some supportive, thoughtful words that some kind stranger has taken the time to write. I feel so grateful to all the lovely people who have posted on here.

I also found it really helped when I came across other mums in person who had babies that weren’t sleeping well. There was a baby group that I went to for a while (DS now sadly too old for it ) that seemed to be populated almost exclusively by mums whose babies didn’t sleep at all well. Oh how I loved that group! Just being able to talk freely to women in the same boat was wonderful and I was inspired by these women, some of whom were getting quite a bit less sleep than me, who managed to power through and try to get on with things. If you don’t know any mums in real life who are (willing to admit) having a hard time with sleep then not to worry because you’ve got this Sleep board instead! Lots of virtual fellow sufferers.

On the other side of the coin I would try and avoid at all costs the sort of people who like to regale you with tales of their baby who slept from 7-7 at eight weeks of age...I did isolate myself a little bit from mum friends who had good sleepers. In hindsight I’m still not sure whether this was the wrong call because I just found it excruciating to spend time with mums who were much more well rested and seemed to enjoy their babies so much more. It really highlighted to me how things could have been different and I just found that too painful. Not only is the lack of sleep really hard but the guilt of not enjoying the experience of being on maternity leave.

I know it’s stating the obvious but try to be really kind to yourself. You are using all your energy looking after a baby all day and night; that doesn’t really leave enough energy left over to be dealing with lots of negative feelings about yourself. I kind of emotionally pummelled myself to death with horrible thoughts, still do. I hope you’ll keep posting

Went up to bed at 8:30 to try to catch up on sleep. DS woke up 20mind later, have just spent the past 90mins settling him back to sleep. Excruciating process where a few times he’d start crying as soon as I got into bed. Think he had a tummy ache but who knows. Nights like this I wish DS was a baby that would just happily come into my bed with me but he won’t. So I’m up and down like a yo-yo.Dreading the rest of the night

Thanks so much for your kind post. Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst.

I really hope your night has got better?

@Mississippilessly how’s today been for you? Do you have anyone in real life supporting you? You (understandably) sound really low.

@surreygirl1987 great shout about the nipple shields- I did actually try them a few weeks back when things got painful but DS just looked at me like and was having none of it. To be fair they seem massively too big so I should perhaps see if I can get a smaller size. But I suspect that DS will stubbornly refuse to go near them.

Hope the naps are going ok? And that you’ve not had a worse time of it with the night time sleep.

@FortheloveofJames I can’t tell you just how lovely and comforting I’ve found your post. I’ve been feeling really, really down today and kind of feeling like I’m never going to feel better. Told my husband how I really don’t enjoy being a mum and that, I don’t just miss aspects of my childless life, but I wish that was still my life. I love my DS so much but I was so much happier before. He’s been so hard today, just really grizzly a lot of the time and it feels like there’s a neon sign flashing “you’re doing this all wrong” in front of my face all of the time. Your post has given me a glimmer of hope that it’ll all get better. My husband and family tell me that it’ll be better once DS can walk and talk, as at least then he will be able to tell me to an extent what’s the matter (eg tummy hurts or feel scared). I so hope that’s the case. We’ve already had one wake up tonight so I’m hoping it’s not the first of many.

I’m glad OP. I really clearly remember wanting to stab anyone that told me ‘this too shall pass’ or ‘things will get better’ or ‘he’ll be a teenager before you know it’. But 1000% it does. Being a parent is bloody hard, nothing can prepare you for it. But your right now he’s older I feel I totally get him. He isn’t talking yet really but I can normally tell what he wants, what he needs and can preempt his behaviour.

I promise you’ll get your life back. It will come. Your wee one will grow up. Obviously you’ll never quite have the freedom you had before but you will get you back. Now, a lot of the time I don’t want to go because I want to stay with him, or I don’t want to be slightly hungover the next day and not be on form for her. Over the festive period I was out two weekends in a row at a birthday do and work night out and I missed him so much I hated it 😭😂

You must be more kind to yourself. You’re not the first to feel this way and you certainly won’t be the last. Are you able to carve out some time for your self on a regular basis in anyway. I remember my mum would come and take him for a few hours on a Saturday. Even just those few hours was often enough to give me enough head space.

@hiding I thought you'd probably tried but thought I'd mention them just in case! My little boy won't feed without them which is annoying and such a faff!

Naps are still the mythical dream. He went down textbook perfect at 9am - self settled and asleep within 1 minute! But this lunchtime nap... well, he's been in his crib since 11:30. I resorted to giving him a dummy. He slept fir 30 minutes at 12:30, dummy fell out, and I've been trying to get him to sleep ever since. He must be tired, surely?! Why won't he just go to sleep?! He's whimpering now and I'm trying to ignore it to see if he will self settle but then I feel terribly guilty as he's only 3 months old! But I know if he doesn't nap he'll be screaming with overtiredness later... :(

Really, really, really struggling. DS keeps waking, inconsolable in the night. There is no pattern as to what time he wakes up. I am finding it impossible to settle him.

Am planning on going back to the GP as a last resort to ask for antidepressants. I don’t want to do this as I’m breastfeeding and terrified of the idea of the drugs harming my DS through my milk, and I’m so depressed because I don’t sleep enough. I go to bed every night with a feeling of dread- antidepressants aren’t going to change me having to sit up half the night with a crying DS and no clue how to settle him.

DS is miserable during the day. I keep having to turn away from him to silently cry so he doesn’t see my tears. He’s got a tooth coming through but nurofen seems to do nothing. I am a bad person- I keep telling my husband I don’t want my DS because I’m so miserable- and I can’t see a way out of this. I am in so much emotional pain.

I can’t see how the GP can realistically help me?

I’ve been considering getting a night nanny to come in for 3 or 4 nights to try to sort his sleep out but I worry that it would be cruel full stop, and especially at the moment when he is teething, to have a stranger come in and settle him at night. Please don’t be harsh; I’m desperate

Hey. Hang in there.

Sertraline and even Prozac are absolutely fine when bf. So are beta blockers. As are very many drugs.

I've posted a few times on your thread. I'm going through similar with my baby except I'm not feeling like you. So I do believe antidepressants would be great for you.

You can stop feeding ds at any time. It's ok. Get a night nanny. I'm terrible for just feeding my son right back to sleep but I've always seen it as a positive / handy thing. Not always easy but neither is being a parent and neither is ff the magic wand for all babies. My next door neighbours ff and both children were 'terrible' sleepers.

They're unpredictable at night (and day) till around 6 or 7 to be honest. A low dose of Sertaline helped me go back to sleep very easily once it kicked in. I was very sleepy: had insomnia the first week or so but every one is different and when it did kick in it was lovely.

For what it's worth, your baby sound like an amazing sleeper to be honest!

And - you're absolutely not doing it all wrong.

I have days where ds2's whinging with frustration really gets to me.

Second time round more of it is like water off a ducks back (and ds2 is much easier, not just me being 'chilled out') but not always. Ds1 still winds dh up to the point where dh has to leave the room and he's 6. Ds1 would scream at absolutely every thing and was constantly bored. It drove me demented till he went to school. He's very clever and popular and neeeeeeds school. He was also very hyper. Wouldn't eat anything bar fish fingers. Couldn't go to lovely music classes after 2.5 as he just caused havoc. I had to buy a thick coat and exist in the park with chocolate buttons to tempt him out when it was home time. I felt like a failure.

This time I've got a mostly happier eater but I quickly had to leave the baby led weaning group as I spotted signs that reading / seeing pics of others babies happily and compliantly eating beautiful meals really started to affect me. Ds2 sometimes eats scraps off the floor under the high chair that he just refused or a pile of Cheerios and I'm a happy mummy! (Does it a lot more but sometimes timing doesn't work well!)

@hiding I’m sorry you’re still having a rough time. Haven’t posted for a bit as there’s no improvement on the sleep front with DD. But everyone deals with it differently and I’m managing ok. I’ve made early nights my norm now and I know that even if it’s a been a crappy night once I’m up and about (and had some caffeine and sugar) I’ll be alright. Bedtimes are frantic now though, she has to crawl around at speed around all the bedrooms, pull herself up everywhere and steal random objects of mine for a least an hour before she’ll think of settling!

I think you are right to go and see the GP again about antidepressants. Is there someone you can take with you to advocate for you? I find it easier to ask for what I need if I have someone else to support you.

No harm in having a chat with a couple of night nannies and seeing if there’s a gentle solution. I started looking at them on the internet but then realised that more of my problem was insomnia- getting back to sleep after waking up- and actually a quick feed has least disruption for me and DD. They come highly recommended on MN so I think it’s worth exploring.

@Hiding sleep deprivation is used as torture, the effects on your body and mind are massive.
You love your little one that is clear! If there was a way of getting some quality sleep your whole coping mechanisms would be reset and you'd feel more yourself and would cope as you would have previously.

Is there any way little ones Dad could do the nights a couple of nights a week so you can get some quality sleep. Even taking leave from work making a long weekend so he can catch up on sleep after 'his nights'?
My DH took leave when I started seeing the wardrobe walking! I was so exhausted I was imagining all sorts. It was a horrible time, changed my relationship with everyone. I even suggested having baby adopted

I was where you are I endured months of sleep deprivation and it is hell!
It effected my health quite badly so after a lot of tears and desperation I consulted a sleep consultant who worked with us with a plan to suit my son she does live q&a sessions on Facebook which are super helpful too. Have a look she's called Nicole Ratcliffe
baby2sleep.co.uk/

Honestly can't recommend her enough.

Hope this helps xxx

@HidingUnderTheSofa did you make it to the GP? I hope you did, or you do soon. I was exactly the same, convinced anti depressants wouldn't help as my problem was so situational. But they made a world of difference - she was still an awful sleeper but I felt a lot more relaxed about it and able to cope. And when she was asleep I would sleep to rather than lying awake waiting for her to wake up again. They take a few weeks to kick in, so the sooner you can get started the better (and don't panic if they don't work instantly). There are definitely BF safe ones, so don't worry about that. It sounds like his poor sleep at the moment is probably tooth related, but I would worry that even when teething stops and his sleep improves you will still feel down unless you are able to get help (and ADs are the quickest and easiest way to get help).

I don't really know anything about night nannies, but I would say if you can afford it go for it. I am sure they are used to all sorts, and will try and bond with him before appearing in the night. Or if you you really aren't happy with that could you get a nanny in the day a couple of days a week? That would give you a break and a chance to focus on getting yourself better, and they might be able to give you some tips/help.

Every time I read one of your messages I feel like it transports me back in time because every word you write reminds me of how I felt at the worst time. You can and will feel better, but I think you do need to reach out now for help. You can't keep shouldering all of this yourself.

@Missnic0786 well, I’ve had my second chocolate bar of the morning already and it’s only 6am things are very up and down here. DS is now 11 months. He dropped his night feeds and for a blissful while was sleeping 11 hours straight a night. Unbelievably amazing. I treasured every night and felt so much better, happier.

Things have gone downhill though. Long wake ups in the middle of the night sometimes and this morning woke up at 4am. Failed to get him back to sleep after that so got him up for the day at 5:10. He wakes up earlier and earlier at the moment. I don’t know why- hadn’t pooed, nappy hasn’t leaked, room temperature seemed fine, doesn’t seem to be teething and had gone down for his naps with no issue during the day.

I don’t know why he’s waking up so early and I don’t know how to fix it. Feel like I’m failing again. I yelled at my husband earlier in front of DS so I feel crap about that too.

@PuffedupPufferFish I’m so sorry, you were kind enough to ask how I was and I completely forgot to reply. I’m so glad that ADs were beneficial to you. I am at a point now where I feel pretty good when DS sleeps ok and is happy in himself during the day. I just don’t cope at all well when his sleep gets ropey. Scoffing chocolate and arguing with my husband doesn’t seem to be a great strategy, neither does obsessing about DS’s sleep and berating myself for when things go pear shaped...but I sometimes feel like I’m wading through treacle and can’t seem to stay positive about things. GP will offer ADs if I go back again I’m sure but I really don’t want to go down that route whilst still breastfeeding (which hopefully won’t be for much longer).

Things are infinitely better than they were when I started this thread at least.

If anyone has any advice on the very early wakings I’d love to hear it. He is KNACKERED by the time he falls asleep at 6:30pm. I’ve tried putting him to bed later but he would still wake up just as early and then be extra tired the next day from having less overnight sleep.The 4-5am starts are relatively recent. He used to sleep
Til 6:00-6:30am and over the last 4-6 weeks the wake ups have been getting earlier and earlier.

I try to delay getting him up as long as possible, leaving him to it if he’s just intermittently grizzling or if he is fully crying then I pop in every few minutes to reassure him. Doesn’t seem to make a blind bit of difference. I also don’t bring his morning nap forward if he wakes early as I’d heard that bringing the nap forward can ‘reward’ early wakings if that makes sense. I’ve tried giving calpol when he first wakes up in case he’s in pain. Really don’t know what else to try.

Ah hiding wow to 11 hours!

Babies are extremely challenging. No one ever really tells you how tough. So many things affect sleep; until they can verbalise better it's a huge guessing game.

I do remember some nighttime antics somewhere between cruising and walking - anything like that going on? Talking was another bad phase.

I've done the calpol thing as it's often hard to tell off they've got a sore throat or tummy ache.

Is dh getting up with him in the early hours? And letting you sleep?

berating myself for when things go pear shaped

None of this is your fault . This too shall pass, it really will. It's about what coping strategies you employ in the mean time.

I wonder if he's moving towards dropping a nap.

Do you have wonder weeks? I'm actually astounded this second time round how accurate it is with ds2 though we seem to have a really grumpy week for the first week of a 'sun'.

I can recommend getting Velcro black out blinds for his room and your own; my son certainly woke at the slightest chink of light during the toddler years. So did I so summer was sometimes really tough.

I'd also maybe try to be outside with him as much as possible, buckets of daylight and fresh air. Personally I do naps in bright places for this reason too, so buggy or on me in bright room. It might help re set his circadian rhythm.

A 10 min power nap for you after lunch might also help loads of you can.

Thanks for your lovely messages @NeurotrashWarrior we have blackout blinds in his room and there’s mastic (?) in between the blind fitting and the wall so there’s absolutely no light getting through

Yes, I have the wonder weeks app! Never seems to tally up for us although I know loads of people swear by it.

He’s just starting to pull up to stand by holding on to me. I think we are quite a long way off walking. I had wondered about whether he’s ready to drop a nap but he goes out like a light almost instantly for his morning nap and usually goes down easily for the afternoon nap too. I’d thought that he’d be regularly fighting the afternoon nap if he was ready to drop down to one nap but who knows!

Morning nap is generally 1 hour or a bit more, as is the afternoon nap (or a bit shorter). Wondering if I should cut down the morning nap? Oh I don’t know!!! He is already a bit grumpy when he wakes up from his naps normally so the thought of waking him up fills me with horror, esp as I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do. Maybe it would make sod all difference to the morning wake ups and I’ll have a really tired, grumpy baby all day too

Firstly you are doing really well, know one ever knows what to do for the best!

What is he doing when he wakes up?

it's really hard to ever know what to do as all babies are so very different. One thing doesn't always work for another baby. My first and a second are really quite different sleep wise, food wise, general disposition wise. They've also been very different development wise too; first rolled at 7/8 months, crawled at 40 weeks, number two rolled at 4 months and was about 34 weeks when he started crawling, immediately started pulling himself up.

DS2 is now trying to coast at 9.5 months . My first did go through a phase of night time antics as he started learning to coast and walk; he was older though. it was excitable drunken like behaviour. I coslept and had to act very bored, eventually it passed.

Number two isnt doing any of that at all, in fact some nights is sleeping really well (cosleeping) some wakes a lot for little feeds.

Sometimes unfortunately some of them act things out in their sleep/ wake up to do it. My first is very energetic, small, wiry, wouldn't eat much, boobed a lot and excitable, always fought sleep, woke every two hours for ages and had the odd nighttime party. Number two is calmer, more cuddly, much larger, loves food and is more measured, actually always wants to go to sleep. Nights are random though I do just feed him back to sleep. He can do 5-6 hours but has to be lying next to me.

I honestly wouldn't do anything to naps; I'm a believer in if they need to sleep let them sleep. He sounds like he's working on something but is also very tired from all the activity. Hopefully he will work through it soon.

The only other thing that my first used to need was extra water and a couple of oatcakes at night on top of milk as he's often get hungry and wouldn't sleep till he'd eaten. . I can't remember if I offered it to see if it helped or if he was old enough to ask. You could try offering milk or formula or water in a sippy cup. If he's going through a growth spurt he may need it; a friend with a 1 year old is still giving 3 bottles of formula at night as he seems to need it.

Meant to add that a nursery teacher once told me they drop to one nap around the time they start walking which did pan out for ds1 like that but after 14 months.

Ds2 has only had one nap today, wasn't interested but has gone to bed at 6:15.

Glad to hear things are slightly better. I guess it's reassuring to know the ADs are there as an option if you feel things getting worse again for you.

NeurotrashWarrior could be right that he's moving towards dropping a nap. Early rising was the first sign with my DD, then after 2 months of early rising it started taking her ages to go to sleep. I still wasn't convinced about dropping the nap as she still seemed overtired sometimes but I thought I would give it a go. It took about 3 weeks to fully get into the swing of things, but then she started lying in later, and sleeping 2+ hours during her remaining nap. She was really getting the same amount of sleep, but in bigger chunks. She seemed fine for it - no more tired once she'd adjusted. She was a bit older than your DS (I think about 14 months) but I know plenty who did it nearer a year. She's now started waking earlier and earlier again, and I'm wandering if she's working towards loosing her only nap...

How's his mood generally? I know you said before the tiredness was making him very grumpy? I always put my DD's grumpiness down to tiredness, but actually it massively improved once she was walking at 12 months, at which point her sleep was pretty terrible still. So I do wander if she was never as massively overtired as I assumed and that maybe she just hated being a baby!