Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

First time mum to a four month old baby, exclusively breastfed. Night time sleep was gradually getting better week by week until 11 weeks when he did a five hour stretch at the beginning of the night.

It was like a switch was flicked- he went from two wake ups/feeds on a good night to anything from four to eight. Longest stretch of the night is generally two to three hours and wake ups are anything from one to two hours for the rest of the night. Night feeds are generally ten to twenty minutes long.

Naps are also a disaster. He wakes up between 25 and 45 minutes after falling asleep. Will generally fall asleep without too much fuss in the pram but naps in the crib involve much more settling.

After six weeks of very broken sleep (and four months in total of poor sleep) I am exhausted and I feel like an utter failure as a parent. I am crying a lot out of both exhaustion and feelings of worthlessness because I feel I am failing so badly. I am surrounded by mum friends whose babies are sleeping much better than my son. I

I am feeling especially awful because my in laws are staying at the moment and of course all of their other grandchildren are/were champion sleepers as babies.

I have read so many sleep books and have tried to extend daytime naps with the hope of improving night time sleep- I can’t get him to settle back to sleep after the 45 minute wake up however hard I try but he’s clearly still tired when he wakes up.

I’ve had a bedtime routine since he was six weeks old and put him down to sleep when he’s sleepy but still awake...but it makes no difference. Last night he still woke up after two hours and four or five times after that.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to settle him down to sleep for naps or at night which is really upsetting too.

I am so, so sad. I feel like I’m failing my son.

Unless you are very malnourished or starving for a period of time, your breastmilk isn't affected by your diet. Don't worry about sugar! If you need an energy hit then that's what you need.

I'm not an expert on dummies as neither of mine would have them, but many many parents use them and they can't all be sticking them back in all night! It may well be that it helps your baby settle and then it's not needed after that.

You’re being too hard on yourself

It’s normal for your baby to give you hell at 4 months, I mean not by able to get to next sleep cycle without help

Try to take that part of feeling bad out if it

As for sleep deprivation my second born had apnoea and it was so hard, felt like walking through treacle and my head hurt

But keep going, try to be really kind to yourself, eat what you need, rest and get support

But most of all this is nothing about being a failure

Just tried to feed him to sleep for a nap but he woke up after ten minutes needing to burp. Now screaming his head off. I don’t know what to do. He’s a big four month old, I don’t have the energy to carry him around in a sling for naps.

I’ve just had to take him downstairs and put him in his swing chair for a bit so I can take a breather and cry. He’s been awake three hours now and is exhausted but it was that or Put him in his cot crying and I figured the swing chair was the lesser of the two evils even if it will wake him up more.

I’m so cross at myself. I spent weeks working on getting him to nap in his crib and now I’ve undone that by feeding to sleep for naps again to get by and of course I’ve got no chance of him napping in his cot now I want to have some lunch, a proper meal that isn’t a few biscuits to keep me going. But I can’t if I have DS on me all the time or I’m pounding the streets with the pram for every nap (he wakes as soon as I stop moving so walking for a bit and then parking up the pram at home isn’t an option).

4 month olds!!!! Argh!!!! Honestly, you're not doing anything wrong. 4 month olds are going through a lot of change. And some babies are defective. Mine are.

You need to work out a coping strategy, do what works for you, weather the storm first then worry about fixing any habits later.

If you want a bit of emotional support there is a thread on here, the non sleepers are still not sleeping.

It won't help now, but can your partner make you a nice sandwich each night so you can have that for lunch if you don't have time to make anything else? Also stock up with a few nice ready meals (COOK do some nice ones) for emergencies,

It isn't your fault. You could have done lots of things differently and he could still be doing this. It's a question of doing what works right now in this moment.

Will he sleep on your lap if you give him a feed? Get yourself a decent lunch you can eat one handed - if he cries in the swing chair it's not the end of the world. Then see if he will settle on you for a nap.

I’m afraid I’ve done many a nap pinned under a baby because I’m not pounding the streets for my only down time and I can’t carry her that much, kills my back

So put a book on your phone and relax and read while he naps on you?

I know it’s impossibe to get anything done and you need to eat but nap first then when he’s not screaming, eat

I haven't read all the replies but just wanted to say some babies just don't sleep.
I have 3 dc. 1 slept ok, 1 sleeps brilliantly and 1 was unbelievably awful and I patented them all the same. So try not to feel like you're failing him because with some babies no matter what you do they just don't sleep well.

My middle dc was the one that was awful sleeper. I honestly felt like it was going to break me and I cried so much. You will get through this and he will sleep eventually. Be kind to yourself while he's in this phase

Parented not patented

You're not a failure my dd is very up and down with sleeping as well it's just phases and he will get better again and then go back...

Could he maybe be teething? Maybe try Ashton's and parsons powder? Do you use white noise? My dd sleeps so much better with constant hairdryer noise for nap times

Hope you're ok, don't be so hard on yourself, is there anyone you could leave him with for you to get a sleep? You'll feel so much better after a good rest

Skip the late night nappy changes unless there is a poo, this just wakes everyone up!

You're doing fine, most of us have been there! Remember that most parents forget quickly just how bad it was for them.
My son needed me constantly, it was draining, he would cry if I was out of sight, wake if I left his side, scream if the car stopped! At home I discovered he loved the washing machine, he would sit for a whole wash cycle in a bouncer chair thing or on a bean bag! It was a miracle! I still remind him of it now

Middle child slept from day one BUT was a nightmare to feed because she was always asleep. Worried the life out of me. She could be bathed, fed, changed, injections all asleep! Although the sleep was fab the worry kept me awake!

Number 3 has been hard work since birth, admittedly she has medical issues but sleep didn't happen until she was 3! DH had a heart attack a few months in and doc said sleep deprivation could have contributed!

Have you tried things like the motion swings or chairs? Mine hated them but friends little one loves it. Maybe a friend has one you could test drive or maybe mothercare. It's hard there is no getting away from that. You must take care of you, you are vital to little one. You need to be well fed, loved and relaxed. Even if you have to make a lunch box. Anything that works for you! Take care.

I absolutely am a failure. Baby has been awKe for five hours now with the exception of x2 ten minute periods of sleep. I realised soon after becoming a mum that I wasn’t cut out for it. Never would have thought that before or during my pregnancy but it’s true. I want to run away sometimes and today is one of those days.

Hi OP, you really are not a failure.. it's not your Fault your baby won't nap... it's not yiur parenting ability, far from it, you sound like a wonderful mother. Try if you can to get some perspective on the situation.. can you take baby out for a walk in the pram? Can you sit outside in a garden?

No you are not a failure. At all. Babies just sometimes don't sleep, it's just what they do. It's not a reflection on you at all.

I know that tiredness and worry make it hard to believe that, but it is true.

Would he not nap on you after a feed?

What happens if he’s asleep on your tummy /chest?

They really do fight sleep sometimes

hiding - because he is awake does not make you a failure! One day with DD she had been awake from 5am-2pm - I remember texting my husband panicking she had bags under her eyes!!! It feels bloody awful at the time, but they all have days (whether they are good or bad sleepers!) where they just won’t sleep. Long term, no bad comes of it.

You absolutely are cut out for this - you are here looking for advice because you want the best for your baby. You sound like a wonderful mum.

I think there is so much pressure (some of which we put on ourselves!) to enjoy every second, make the most of it etc etc, but some of it is just completely shit! Having no sleep is the pits, and there is literally nothing to enjoy about that. That does not mean you are not cut out for this.

If I were in your shoes, I would try some formula and a dummy. Looking back at my own experience (and I only managed to bf for 6 weeks), I wish I had switched sooner. It wasn’t a magic fix for sleep, but it certainly helped us get into a routine, which we both needed.

OP there’s a good reason why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture! It really does make everything seem at least 100% worse. You are not a failure, what is happening to you has happened to so many people.
When my LO was going through the 8-10 month sleep regression (6-10months in her case!) I was so exhausted that my thoughts turned to sleep training. However I could never do CIO or even CC. I bought a copy of “The gentle sleep book” by Sarah Ockwell-Smith. Tbh it did not make LO sleep more, but it helped me understand why she was not sleeping well and it really reassured me. It’s well worth a read.

There were days when dd would fight sleep all day (she’s 7 months now)

@HidingUnderTheSofa I'm totally with you, DD is 9 weeks and her sleep has been rubbish since day one. I'm fed up of hearing how wonderful everyone else's babies sleep.

I've not got more than 30 mins nap out of her today, I'm so hungry and my arms are aching from carrying her around all day because she screams whenever she's put down.

I hope you're okay .. maybe we should start a support thread for non sleepers?

There is one! "We've still not sleeping". How do I link it here?! It's good to be company!

As for not being cut out to be a mum, it's difficult to get perspective but everything really is a stage. The newborn bit is so quick, just not at the time! I don't really like newborns or little babies, for me they just get better as they get older. I'm a much better mum of toddlers. Maybe you will be. Or maybe you'll be the best ever mum of teenagers! Don't worry, you're doing just fine! Just keep meeting their basic needs and yours and let the rest follow.

Try thinking of it this way. You can't MAKE a baby sleep. And that's kind of not your job, beyond a certain point. You can just support them to learn how to do it themselves. Play a long game. And do what you've got to do in the meantime.

You're not a failure. I was 'smug Mum' who's baby slept through from 6 weeks. I thought it was great.

Get to 2 years old and boy did it change. She is now 7 and has NEVER EVER slept past 6am. Doesn't matter what time she does to bed. Doesn't matter what her room is like, doesn't matter whether she's tired or not.

It's not you, it's the baby. You haven't failed.

Most things have been said already, though I will add my voice to the many who have said that this is a normal phase, that feels like hell at the time, but will pass. It really will.

With my first DC I was obsessed with the need to 'fix' his sleep. With my second I had more faith that it would get better and I focused more on riding it out. They both improved and started sleeping through properly around 14 months - I just saved myself a bit of anguish the second time!

There's no right or wrong answer here. I know people who swear by co-sleeping and following the baby's lead, people who swear by routine and those who think sleep training saved their life. Generally I think most babies will sort themselves out eventually but you can hurry that process along for some babies who are amenible to sleep training. I don't think you can 'fix' all babies in the same way or else everyone would do it!

My only other observation is that many of the babies who were good sleeper single grew up into toddlers who didn't sleep well, and vice versa. I've had no grief from either of mine once they learnt to sleep through.

A last suggestion - if you want to give co-sleeping a shot but are finding it uncomfortable and worrying about their position, a sleepyhead might be worth a shot - it enabled me to sleep next to mine in comfort.

Hidingunderthesofa I'm sorry I didn't mean to take away your hope by saying burn the books! Like all of these things it is personal experience. To be fair, I do know a couple of people who I think successfully managed sleep training on shit sleepers, but they were bloodyminded in their persistence and had a higher tolerance to crying than I had. I think they also hit on the right.methods for their babies early on, I just couldn't keep trying different methods.

I just want to reiterate that you are not a failure. Sleep deprivation is an absolute fucker. It really is. It clouds everything. I remember having one day on mat leave where he had actually slept through the night and I had a lovely day playing with him with endless patience, did chores during his nap, cooked dinner and realised that for those with good sleepers, every day was like that. I still look back at 4-6 months with absolute horror. Much of my maternity leave was spent just getting through the day.

While you are waiting for sleep to improve (and it does eventually, which is bugger all help now) do what you can do maximise your sleep. As soon as your baby is awake at the weekends hand them to your husband and go straight back to sleep and sleep as long as you can. Both days. You're protecting his nighttime sleep, the least he can do is get you some sleep in return. Getting a straight 4 hours makes such a difference to your mood.
I'm not sure if someone upthread suggested a bouncy chair? And when you say he wakes up when the pram stops, is that as soon as it stops or as soon as you come inside? I spent months doing outside naps in the garden because it was the transition into the quiet indoors that woke him.

And just to repeat and reiterate, if you are keeping your baby warm, fed, clean and loved, you are not a failure. Sleep deprivation makes everything feel worse, especially the hideous, chronic deprivation that you're currently living. And it WILL get better.

@Notlostjustexploring don’t apologise! I’m so touched by everyone sharing their sleep wisdom with me, including you. What you said about your experience of parenting when you’d had a good nights sleep really resonates with me (and makes me feel sad because I feel like I could be enjoying these weeks so much more). I remember the brief golden period where I was getting one four or even five hour stretch of sleep out of him each night. I found the subsequent wakings in the night so much easier to deal with- my heart didn’t sink so much when he woke up and I felt so much more playful with DS snd ready to take on whatever the day threw at me. Compare it to how I am now- I cry at least once a day every day and I just want to give up and run away when DS starts crying.

I have a bouncy chair already. I’ve never managed to get him to nap in it before but today had tried everything else up my sleeve (except driving as I do not really feel comfortable driving when I’m so tired, I’m sure my reaction times are impeded) so I sat behind the bouncy chair and bounced it for forty minutes. He fell asleep and so I carried on bouncing only for him to wake up crying ten minutes later.

It’s as soon as I stop the pram that he will wake up from naps, before I’ve even attempted getting through the front door unfortunately.

Sorry I’m not trying to be dismissive of your suggestions, they are very good ones and appreciate you taking the time to make them.

I have tried giving DS to my husband on weekend mornings but by that point I’m normally too awake to go back to sleep which makes me feel so upset and frustrated. I feel so resentful of my husband getting a full nights sleep, especially when he comes into the bedroom to take DS, rubbing his eyes and looking all sleepy after his eight hours of uninterrupted sleep

So much of what you say I could have written myself, word for word, last year. I remember packing in driving on occasion as well when I knew I wasn't able to function enough to drive.
Do you have any friends or family in the area? Even if they can't help you get more sleep, they can entertain your son and you can get some mental space during the day? I found that helped me, and occasionally would complete tire him out so I could get that golden 4 hours.
I remember part of the issue being that when I did get to close my eyes, I had no guarantee of how long that would last. Horrendous feeling. I also remember utterly hating, hating, hating my caring, lovely husband, with an absolute visceral hatred, just because he was well rested. If your son will settle for your husband maybe pass one weekend night to him?

Don't worry about not fully appreciating this time, it is such a short time in the grand scheme of things, there will be other, better times, and he won't remember you being half asleep. And it isn't written anywhere that you have to enjoy the baby stage. Mine turned into a delightful toddler and I'm enjoying him a lot more now. And he sleeps. They all sleep eventually. Just hang on.

And remember, by virtue of the fact you are so worried about the effects on your son, you are doing very well as a mother.