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Original poster

will my baby still love me if Ido CC? I want him to still trust me!

287 replies

crossedwires · 03/05/2007 14:29

I have a son of 8 months who is a terrible sleeper. I have trawled through websites, literature, libraries finding information on controlled crying. Has anyone got any experience of this having a negative efffect on their baby? This has been recommended to me by a health visitor who knows my baby's sleep history. thanks

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Original poster
crossedwires · 03/05/2007 20:58

Oh Cupcakes - I am sure your son'ss night terrors aren't in any way associated with the crying you did. They are probably developmental. Take heart

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paulaplumpbottom · 03/05/2007 21:00

I haven't read the whole thread but in my opinion CC does make your child lose a bit of trust in you. Thats what you are saying " I won't be here all the time, sometimes you have to sort yourself out" I hope that doesn't sound mean, I don't intend for it to.

Malaleche · 03/05/2007 21:02

agree with Daphnehardy and aloha - it's much easier if you use CC to sort the daytime naps first, then they get the idea of going back to sleep by themselves and you may not even need to do it at night...at least you're not starting it cold iyswim. I did multiples of 2 mins e.g. 2,2,4,4,6, DD1 cried max of 20 mins the first night with me going in at those intervals - i did exactly what daphne desribes above - same words even!
Have been much more lax with dd2 nd she is still aking me every dawn for her 'habitual' bfeed - and it is just a habit, you can break it. I dont believe CC does long term damage, how on earth would you know it was that? Everything else in the childs life would have to be perfect for anyone to be ble to point the finger at CC. Agree that child should not be screaming or throwing up but if so you'll just have to do a modified version. I firmly believe that it works better on babies under 6 months puts hard hat on after that they get much more upset. and they can stand up and cry which is worse for them and you...

Original poster
crossedwires · 03/05/2007 21:10

I dont know what to do. I'm going to bed now, ever hopeful that I will be allowed the luxury of sleep. I will posta again tomorrow with a progress report. Thanks again - you are all great!

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Malaleche · 03/05/2007 21:11

crossedwires, try this - stop feeding him in the room where he sleeps. do a bedtime routine in the living room or whereever with a story, lullaby, cuddles etc and the last feed of the day, then walk through preferably with him sleepy but awake and put him in his cot. soon he wont associate the feeding with bed. This worked with my DD1 but cant do it so easily with DD2 cos DD1 is there making a racket and hyping dd2 up...
Do same with feeds prior to naps during day. Its all about cues and associations imo. You have to replace the old ones with new ones - so that eventually when they wake during the night - which is normal, we all do it, instead of going ' oh no wheres the tit' they go 'oh yes, here i am in my cot and theres the familiar pattern on the wall' zonk.......zzzzzzzzzzz

NKF · 03/05/2007 21:46

Sleep well Crossedwires. Or at least sleep for as long as you can.

I used to tell myself that one day I'll be dragging them out of bed. It gave me something to look forward to.

DaddyJ · 03/05/2007 21:57

Crossedwires, a big hug to you. Nothing more frustrating than aborted CC attempts,
we experienced more than a half dozen

It sounds like you did end up spending most of your time next to ds. How many times did you roll him back?
I take it even for an 8 month old it is still dangerous to sleep on his tummy?
Sorry to be asking silly questions but dd is a bit of a laid-back one so not am not familiar with this problem myself.

Suedonim, intriguing method! Next time we?ll have to give it a try, I quite fancy Cuba actually

lyrabelacqua · 03/05/2007 22:00

A friend of mine's dd was waking her for bf every hour throughout the night and she was turning into a zombie. She did cc for two nights and now her dd (12 months) sleeps through most nights except when she's teething.

MadamePlatypus · 03/05/2007 23:00

You could try gradual withdrawal if you don't like controlled crying. I did this with DS (was a bit pathetic about it and it took about 18 months - by the end DS was almost saying "so you'll be going then - don't you have anything better to do?"). Basically it involves changing the sleep association from feeding to something else, e.g. cuddling and then making a concerted effort to downgrade this e.g. to putting your hand on their tummy, then sitting in room then getting out the door - you have to try not to get stuck as we did with DS. If you go to guardian.co.uk and do a search for "millpond" you will find a programme.

I am currently doing this with DD to cut down on night wakings and it seems to be working fairly well. (We are on night 3)

Re: does CC make your baby lose trust - I don't think anybody can answer this question. However, I can definitely say with out any doubt that snapping at my 3 year old because I am sleep deprived because of my baby is bad for him, so that is why I am taking steps to change the situation.

kiskidee · 04/05/2007 03:54

crossedwires: there are two kinds of people in the world. those that co-sleep and those that lie about it.

ok. that is only generally true.

if you think that co-sleeping will help everyone else get more sleep in the house, then do it. even some committed CC advocates say advocate co-sleeping.

DaddyJ · 04/05/2007 08:43

When it comes to lying our kiskidee is the undisputed authority so we just have to take her word for it

Crossedwires, I hope you managed to get a decent night?s kip. Things will get better soon, even if it does not feel like it at the mo..
We had a crap night ourselves courtesy of Yours Truly: I forgot to set the heating system so at 3:30am lo woke up in a cold, cold room. Poor girl!

Aloha · 04/05/2007 09:25

We nearly didn't have a second child because we - dh esp - were so traumatised by the torture of the first eight months of ds's life! I am perfectly serious. Dh was really terrified of going through it again. It wasn't anything like as bad with dd (though we don't make good baby sleepers) but he would just curl up and die if I got pregnant tomorrow, he really would.

I think it is v imp with cc that you make sure your baby CAN go without food at night by withdrawign feeds gradually (Ferber says this too btw). Not go from ten feeds a night to none.

Aloha · 04/05/2007 09:27

Oh, and as for 'messages' the message could just as well be, 'I know you are angry with me, but I trust that you can manage to go to sleep by yourself, though I'm right here, will be back in a moment, and haven't gone away from you'.
This 'messages' stuff is so emotive, I think.

Original poster
crossedwires · 04/05/2007 09:43

kiskidee - what are you talking about?
Not good night at all. He woke 3 times and would not (could not) get to sleep without my breast. The final waking was just before 5 and I brought him into our bed as I was sick of sitting on his floor in the dark. Does cc stop night wakings or do you have to do it then too?

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lyrabelacqua · 04/05/2007 09:49

inspiration

NKF · 04/05/2007 10:35

Good morning, Crossedwires.
Probably, he needs to be fed to sleep. I remember one thing I tried was to stretch the feeds. Only fed every second waking and it lengthened the time asleep. I agree with Aloha you need to be sure the baby can do without milk.

Original poster
crossedwires · 04/05/2007 10:45

NFK - pretty sure it is not hunger waking him. he has three meals a day, 2 bottles of formula and two breastfeeds. I would be amazed if he was hungry after all that. He also has water with meals so thirst can beruled out to I would imagine. Thanks for that link lyrabel...

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NKF · 04/05/2007 10:49

He sounds like he must be pretty full!

entropy · 04/05/2007 11:21

when I took dd's dummy away at about 7 months I expected to have to try cc but what actually happened was controlled whinge. we were so lucky that all it took was a few minutes of whinging and she fell alseep on her own with no dummy or rocking. As a result she learned to settle herself and now the night wakings are few and far between. Most times I don't even have to go in to her, she just whinges a couple of times and goes back to sleep. I can however tell by her cry when she is in pain with teething etc, or stuck in one corner of her cot with a foot through the bars and don't leave her to cry in these circumstances. I'm not sure if what I do is strictly cc as I don't always leave her to cry, I just go with my instincts and it usually works. I can understand the anti-cc argument that a baby may suffer if it cries aren't answered but I also think it depends on why the child is crying and if you go in for every noise that isn't helping your child develop any independance. dd got reliant on having a dummy in her mouth 24/7, she is now happier for not needing it. I havent read all the posts but could your ds be dependent on bf for settling himself? if that is the case cc may work for you but my advice is trust your instincts. you will know deep down what is the best approach for your ds

americantrish · 04/05/2007 11:32

he'll still love you..and won't remember the CC. we did CC several times with ds (now coming up on 3) from about 7 months to 11 months old. it is HARD though. good luck

Original poster
crossedwires · 04/05/2007 11:42

my days and nights are in chaos. . You wouldn't believe that I have already raised one child would you.

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Dinosaur · 04/05/2007 11:55

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

NKF · 04/05/2007 12:01

Crossedwires, you do sound unhappy. You've obviously thought about CC. What's holding you back?

mishw · 04/05/2007 12:20

I'm not sure what your finances are like, but if you can afford it have you thought about getting a maternity nurse to trouble shoot for you. I worked for an agency and we have people who can do this. Because they don;t have the emtional attachment to your baby (and they have the next day to recover rather than look after an older child!) I think it is a lot easier. I n=know that I could do it for someone else much easier than I did it for my own!

Hope you get a better night tonight.

Original poster
crossedwires · 04/05/2007 14:01

NFK -Americantrish and others, I did try cc last night but it was horrendous. If you read my earlier post you will see what happened . I am gonna get my husband to give ds a bottle at bedtime and do the bedtime thing himself. Maybe that would make it easier. I don't know what to do if he wakes in the night as my other half tends to drink a bit and I don't know whether he could be trusted in the early hours. He has never put our son to bed so it will be completely different for them both - maybe that is a good thing - I don't know? We'll see. My other child is not a toddler - she is 8.

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