will my baby still love me if Ido CC? I want him to still trust me!

[crossedwires]

I have a son of 8 months who is a terrible sleeper. I have trawled through websites, literature, libraries finding information on controlled crying. Has anyone got any experience of this having a negative efffect on their baby? This has been recommended to me by a health visitor who knows my baby's sleep history. thanks

Mabbit, I keep thinking about you - I want to come and give you a big hug. How long since you did cc? Was it last week? Have you tried co-sleeping etc? I hope your dd feels better soon. I'm sure she will get calmer soon. I really feel for both of you - you were doing what you thought was for the best, just like me. It's so hard, isn't it?

Bikebug, I hope you don?t mind me posting on your thread.
Maybe the reason why he was protesting a lot more last nights was, ironically,
because he got much more unbroken sleep the two nights before and was less tired at bedtime.

There are currently two threads about separation anxiety in the behaviour section ?
do you think it would be a good idea to water down CC and stay with him all the way through?
He does seem to settle much easier when you are there.

DaddyJ - not my thread! I think I hijacked it, and no, I don't mind you posting at all. I was doing gradual retreat and staying in the room, but ds was getting frantic reaching out for me and I figured maybe it was better if he couldn't see me. And it made no impact on his sleep at all - we were still up 5 times a night. If he gets hysterical again tonight I'm going back to sitting by the cot though.

hi daddyj! bikebug - I really really really hope it goes better tonight. I honestly do feel for you adn your little boy. sending huge hugs of support

right, that's that. He was utterly, utterly hysterical for the past hour. I've just been in and held his hand and stroked his back until he fell asleep. I don't mind crying, but that level of distress is horrible, and tonight was the worst yet, so this is getting worse not better. Leaving him in that state isn't going to help him learn to settle - he might fall asleep out of exhaustion but not for another 2 hours or more and I can't leave him screaming like that. It wasn't crying - it was dreadful. Back to the drawing board I think - maybe staying in the room as you suggest DaddyJ.

Bikebug I can understand your distress, BUT look at the positive side here, once he is asleep he is staying asleep!! Therefore you ahve achieved something, please don't think you haven't.

However IMHO I think he is a little old for CC to work in that he obviously remebers from one day to the next. I think you need to catch them when they still have a mind like a goldfish Barely remembering one minute to the next.

However look on thepositives in that he is sleeping for a solid patch throughout the night. Gettinghim to sleep perhas need a different approach as CC is not working, but at least he is staying asleep which give you back some sanity

Bikebug, I was trying to watch some footie here
but could not help checking this thread.
Completely agree, stop cc and let's take stock.

Tell me again: why does cc with you in the room
not work? Is it because every time he wakes you have to go to him?

I second crunchie: given that your ds is 14 months old he (and you!) have done amazingly well to get to where you are within 4 days.

The hysterical long crying periods are not good, though, there must be a less stressful way.

I was trying to watch Grand Designs myself, but am too upset to sit still this evening. Crunchie, thanks for the positive spin! I'm hoping he stays asleep tonight, even having been shush-patted to sleep. DaddyJ - cc with me in the room, yes, I do keep getting up to him. That little person standing at the side of the cot, crying and stretching his arms out too me, and trying to climb out... I just figured if he couldn't see me, maybe he'd give it up as a bad job, because it felt like he was happy to spend all night trying to climb out of the cot to get to me! How wrong was I??? In the past four nights he hasn't once actually fallen asleep alone - he's held out every time and fallen asleep on one of my 2 minute shush-pat visits. I shall think positive thoughts about his strong personality, and plan tomorrow night (sittiing by cot, shush-patting I expect). You lot are an absolute lifeline you know. So grateful to have been able to 'think aloud' here and get some reflections back.

God Bikebug, that's my girl all over. I know exactly what you are going through. I'm glad you are stopping it's the right thing to do. We stopped two weeks ago. I feel sick when I think about it now. She is getting a bit calmer now but I can hardly put her down all day and she won't let me out of her sight. She's a different baby to what she was before cc. I'm co sleeping with her and if i go to the loo she sits up and whimpers til i get back. dp is still in the spare room. He's not very happy, but she's my baby . it is so hard isn't it?

Did you see the amazing house by the lake?!

I have given up on Espanyol v Seville, too distracted
by Mumsnet, too upset for you and your ds, Bikebug

From what you have posted your son is strongly signalling
that he wants you right next to him, ideally touching him
before settling - I would seriously give that a go.

It's a two way thing:
you are signalling that he should sleep for long stretches
of time in his own bed, he has shown that he will do that but
only if you stay with him as he settles.

Strikes me as a fair deal, at least to begin with.

As he gets more confident you could re-introduce gradual retreat,
i.e. first stop the patting, then start moving your chair away.

Does that sound doable?

Bikebug, I'm really sorry this was so hard. I really shouldn't post on this thread as I know zero about it but I just remember being told that the keys to sleep were the going to sleep by yourself thing and the managing long stretches of sleep thing. Once my daughter had managed 6 hours on the trot I was told it would get better and better from there and so it has. Admittedly she's didn't really have this level of sleep problem plus she's only 7 months so the issues are different. But I think you sound like you are doing really well even though it's so awful and draining.

Out of the two goals you seem to be achieving one. OK so it's not two out of two but you have made huge progress.

I'm not an advocate or opponent of cc but my feeling would be that in terms of your child's happiness and development, there's probably not much to choose between chronic sleep deprivation (for you both) and a horrible few weeks of having to deal with his emotions running so high. I'd probably prefer to deal with the anguish of cc than let the sleep deprivation drive you into the ground but that's just me.

I really can understand your quandary but he definitely will still love you! My nanny has only just told me that my daughter cried all day for their first three weeks together. Now they love each other deeply and the crying is over and my baby still loves me and doesn't hate me for getting another woman to care for her in the day and "letting" her cry for days on end. [no appropriate smiley here - possibly need a "ugh it's hard but it works out" smiley]

good luck tonight

Yes he will!

Bikebug how old is your lo, when does he sleep & how well does he eat?

cruise, hope you and yours are doing good

God you lot are lovely (watery). DS is happily sleeping in his cot - I am beginning to calm down and I've just realised I haven't poured myself any wine at all - not sure if that is distraction or great self control.

Going back through your posts - ScottishThistle, ds is 14 months, was a nightmare to get onto solids but now eats well on the whole and sleeps, um, in 2-3 hour blocks at night and has a couple of 1-2 hour naps in the day (big improvement on the old 45 minute naps).

MargoandJerry, thanks for the reassurance! I'm holding that 6 hours thought as he's done that for the past 3 nights...

DaddyJ, sorry to distract you from your footie (closed book to me, but I hear some people like it). And I think your analysis is spot on - he knows what he wants, and it's me holding his hand. And I can do that.

Dinosaur and Mabbit, the empathy vibes really do help - they calm that inner voice that says it is all my fault, and it's because I co-slept, cuddled etc and this is that rod for my own back. I don't believe that at all in my saner moments, and I never believe it of anyone else, so comments like yours pull me back to reality!

Cruisemum, I'd like to say thank you for all your supportive posts. Really, really thank you. You don't know what a help you were.

Right, I'm embarrased now cos I'm not usually at all emotional, especially not in print. I've got to get some sleep. I hope everyone has a good night.

Glad to hear you're doing good!

May he be ready to go down to one nap?

bikebug - so sad for you that your lo did not respond well to cc. Did he continue past the hour? I can remember the absolute gut wrenching angst caused by my ds's crying but fortunately, it was short lived. It is hard at hte best of times but the fact that he was getting so stressed makes it 1000 times worse. don't feel bad if you can help it. His memory is short and the millions of hours worth of cuddles and kisses he gets from you and dh will definitely outweigh this little episode. The fact still remains though that you have to sort his sleeping issues. I hope you get it fixed. Please update on this thread. Take care...cruise

oh and daddyj - I have to fess up......I am crossedwires

cm1 that's a relief!!
I noticed crossedwires stopped posting at the same time as aggro on the other cc threads came to a head

• thought it had scared her off Mumsnet and felt rather bad about it

Well, I take it 'she' and her boy are doing well then

Bikebug, would be perfectly understandable if you go (back?) to co-sleeping after the last few nights.
Good luck whatever option you take!

bikebug, how did he go last night??

You got him to sleep, did he stay asleep once he went??

he was great last night! Woke up very briefly at 11-ish, went back to sleep with a bit of shush and patting and stayed asleep till 6am! Tonight he fell asleep within 10 minutes with me sitting by the cot stroking his back and ear (he likes having his ear stroked) and he's still asleep now. But typing (study is next door to his room) wakes him up so will keep this short! Have my fingers crossed for a miracle good night.

And there was me thinking no news was bad news!
Fingers crossed firmly, Bikebug

well done!!! Think about where you were this time last week

You have to look at the postives, you have managed 4 or 5 nights with a decent unbroken strech of sleep. Now you have to decide if getting him off by patting/sushing or whatever works and he stays asleep, is that enough atthis stage?? IMHO it will be the start for you getting a decent nights sleep yourself and not being pushed to breaking posint byit all.

You can deal wth the getting him to sleep by himself over time.