will my baby still love me if Ido CC? I want him to still trust me!

[crossedwires]

I have a son of 8 months who is a terrible sleeper. I have trawled through websites, literature, libraries finding information on controlled crying. Has anyone got any experience of this having a negative efffect on their baby? This has been recommended to me by a health visitor who knows my baby's sleep history. thanks

I should add though that I did check them frequently so they knew they hadn't been abandoned. i think it was first after 5 minutes then rising in 5 minute intervals (5 minutes seems like a long time when your baby is crying). There are probably different versions of CC and you can pick one that's right for you.

Dinosaur - thank you. My husband is rarely in in the evenins owing to heavy work commitments. During the night I am reluctant to use him because he has a realy long motorway journey to work and it worries me that he will be driving on little sleep plus he works 6 days per week. Maybe the bank holiday weekend would be good?

You know, you might do better if you forgot the term "controlled crying". It sounds to me as if the term upsets you.

I think there is a tendency to interpret crying in the light of one's own psychology. Some people talk about babies "crying in temper" and for other people it's all about "needs." I also think one's own personality determines how efficiently you can do CC. And some babies respond more quickly than others. I've known mothers whose babies can cry for literally hours and others who say it's never more than 10 minutes.

Sorry, a bit of a ramble. I hope it works out.

You are right - Controlled soothing/comforting sounds nicer

Maybe you can do what kittypants did last night? CC with Mumsnet support

haang on minute

Gobbledigook! do you still love me?

yes your baby will still love you. cc is hard to do, but can work wonders for everyone. We used it on dd a lot earlier than 8 months doesn't seemed to have damaged her much!

daddyJ thanks for the link - i wish you could come here and support me

daddyJ thanks for the link - i wish you could come here and support me

nadine - that''s good to hear.

I did CC with my youngest. In the morning she was hollow-eyed and trembling and clung to me like super glue. And it did zilch to aid her sleeping. She still loved me but I can't say I loved myself very much.

suedonim - oh god you have cited my worst fear. what age was she?

Older than your ds, CW, about 15mths. Tbh, I should have stopped it when dd started to get distressed, vomiting etc. But everyone was so adamant CC worked that I persisted for far too long. I think if you approach it with the attitude that it doesn't work for everyone then you won't make the mistake I made.

Crossedwires - please really have a good listen to what Aloha has to say. She's said it all. She (and I, as it happens) took a view that it is preferable to show your baby that, although you love him/her limitlessly, sleeping well through the night is a wonderful habit to learn that leads to a happier life all round, for the whole family.

All you have to do with controlled crying is set yourself some boundaries that you feel happy with. These might include:

1. Starting with naps in the day. At this time, you are not hoping to sleep, nor is your older child (I assume).

1. If you can't bear to leave the baby for 5 minutes, to start with, or whatever, leave the baby for 2 minutes before you go back and pat/reassure.

1. Always say in a quiet voice "sssh, sssh, its sleepy time now" or something. Every time. And that's all.

1. Say "its sleepy time" at the start of every night, every day time nap.

1. Give yourself some boundaries. Perhaps you will not leave the baby until he/she becomes hysterical, until he/she vomits/not try CC for longer than 3 days/nights if it doesn't seem to be working. I certainly wouldn't have done any of these.

I did controlled crying with my first at about 9 months. 1st night the crying went on for just over an hour. 2nd night, IIRC, about 20 minutes. 3rd night = no problems.

Second child, I seem to remember doing it vaguely for 1 night only.

Thats it. They both love me as much as any child in the world has ever loved any parent and OF COURSE THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED NOT TO CRY BECAUSE NO-ONE WILL COME TO THEM. Of course they cry in the night sometimes, but when it is only 1 night in 20 or 30 or 60 that is so much easier to cope with than night after night after night.

Good luck.

Apparently in London you can hire a doula to do CC for you?! Maybe I should change jobs..maybe not!
You can do it without a problem - if you are convinced it's the right way. How big is the 'if' at this point?

suedonim, what did you do in the end?

I get really tired of the holier than thou brigade. They bore me senseless frankly.
I've read as many proper scientific reports as I can find on this subject (for a feature) and nothing indicates anything but positive outcomes in the short and longer term. Sleep is really, really important for babies - for their emotional and physical health. If your child cried for chocolate every day or cried because they wanted to put their finger in the electrical socket would you give in on the grounds that they were suffering long-term damage from crying? My ds used to cry for hours every evening when he was very little - while I was HOLDING him! I would say that when he started sleeping all might my son actually cried much LESS as he was happier, more able to deal with his emotions and had more patience and energy, just as I did.
I cried a lot less too, as it had got to the point where every time he woke in the night, I'd just sit there crying.

OK, before I did it I followed Ferber's advice and cut down on night feeds. he was feeding all the time in the night so I stretched it out so he went three hours, then four etc over a week or so, until I knew he could go that long without being hungry. Dh's input was absolutely VITAL here. He would take him and cuddle him or whatever. Then when he was going six hours at night without a feed (he was very well established on three meals a day - except he rarely ate breakfast as he was having milk at night) we decided that he would stay in his cot all night.

Bank holiday weekend ideal time. Agree between you what you will do. Maybe come on MN! Some children learn very quickly and are so happy when they realise they don't actually need a feed or whatever in order to go to sleep. They can do it themselves! So they don't cry any more not because they 'know nobody will come' but because they don't need you to get back to their pleasant cosy sleep. They can just do it really easily by themselves.

My experience is almost identical to Daphneharvey's btw.

God yes. It isn't always about wanting to be held. My ds yelled constantly in his first year - it really mde no difference whether he was held or not. It made me feel better to give him a cuddle but that was all. I used to watch television with the subtitles on, holding a yelling baby that I knew would be yelling all night.
I became rather immune to the sound of a crying baby in fact .
He too did much better with more sleep.
And God knows I did.

My ds was a nightmare sleeper (we're talking 5-6 wakings to bf per night) until about 10-11 months, then he just suddenly sorted his sleep out, literally by himself. For most of his second year he's been a pretty reliable sleeper-through. (We can't realistically get him to bed before 9, though - which means very curtailed evenings (and I know some people find this very ) - he will usually wake up between 7 and 8 am. He sleeps generally 1-2.5 hours in the day).

So if you really can't face the thought of CC, maybe try hanging on a bit longer? That said, I did find the sleepless nights very hard but never actually got to breaking point, so can't presume to know what it's like for you.

I feel guilty for using cc on ds (he is now almost 7). Maybe we weren't consistent enough with it but it seemed to take weeks. When he did finally sleep it was wonderful - I was so very, very exhausted and hadn;t slept properly till then (ds age 1).
But now he has dreadful night terrors which have been happening for at least 18 months. I worry that I encouraged some insecurity with the cc. I consequently never did it with dd1 or dd2 but they have always slept fairly well - who knows how I would feel about it otherwise.
Sorry, that's not very helpful. And of course, only my opinion.

I am so glad I didn't have MN when I tried CC. I had absolutely no qualms about doing it, it took one night. That's it. I agree for some babies it just doesn't work (Sudenim) but for most it does. It was about ensuring we ALL got enough sleep and therefore were happier.

Just to menation dd1 was a prem baby and therefore froom the get go she was never cuddled, rocked, fed to sleep. If she cried then she cried, but tbh she usually moaned her way to sleep IYKWIM

I honestly believe there is a HUGE difference between a baby really CRYING and one who is winging and moaning IYKWIM. Some parents pick up a baby who IMHO is only winging, not actually upset.

Good luck I for one will support you. I challange ANY person here on MN to see my poor sad miserable unloved children and put that down to the wickedness of CC when they were babies.

It is far more likely to be the abandoness they felll when their mum has a glass of wine ad MN of a night ....hmmm like now!!

I should say I didn't do cc. I took him with me into a spare bed in his room when he woke up.

Like berolina's ds, he did get better. But it nearly broke me. In fact, when I was pregnant with dd it was a huge anxiety for me. The thought of going through that and having to deal with both children in the day as well... Fortunately dd was quite different.

I get quite upset when I read threads like this TBH (why do I read threads like this?!), with the bald assertions that I am likely to have damaged my child by my actions. Rationally, I know that I did what I could. That I gave my son all the love I could, that I couldn't love him more, but that I could not cope with any more than I did. I left him to cry sometimes because I absolutely had to leave the room. I also believe that there are so many factors influencing my son's psychological development, that tracing any issues back to this one thing is highly problematic. All of these things I know. But I almost get flashbacks to those early hours. And statements like this...

"I know lack of sleep is hard (I really do) but it's worth it to know that your baby is happy."

...make me think that the writer really doesn't know how I felt at all.

Not read the whole thread but I'm in favour of CC. Did it with DD1 (younger than 8m) she's now 3 and doesn;t seem to be troubled by it.

We left DD2 (now 7m) to settle herself to sleep from about the age of 4m and again no problems there.

As someone else has said this has been general whinging rather than full blown crying, if ever I felt they were upset and distressed then of course I went straight in to reassure them, but I find that the trouble with parents who pick up there babies every time they cry - how do they learn to tell the difference between I'm hubgry, I'm thirsty, I'm bored, I'm generally pissed off or I'm tired and I really want to go to sleep but don't know how to!

Anyway at the end of the day it is your decision. You will do what is best for you and your family, whatever you decide it will be the right thing. Best of luck and let us know what happens.

Thank you all so much for your support at, what i am finding to be, a really difficult time . I did set out to do the cc this evening. My ds was really tired after last night when he woke frequently. I bf him, he fell asleep, I put him to bed (I know he should go there awake but he is alwyas so damn tired), he screamed and screamed and screamed. I went in at reg intervals as recommended by my health visitor. he kept rolling over (he can't really roll back yet) and I could hear his cries getting muffled. I had to flip him over so the intervals got confused. It was dreadful. He did not back down. I was traumatised. I had to keep returning to the room to turn him over so I couldn't really space the visits. I picked him up at one point and he quietened immediately which strengthened my resolve. But, it was hopeless. I gave in after 40mins and bf him and he fell into peaceful, blissful sleep - but for how long is anyone's guess. Does this sound typical? If it does, I will try again when my husband can help out. He wasn't just grizzling/whinging - it was full on crying/screaming. His suck to sleep association must be so strong. I really need a way out here.

DaddyJ, I just muddled through for another year, mainly co-sleeping, then I cleared off to India on my own for two weeks. Dd was sleeping in her own cot by the time I came back. But she rubbed it in by wandering round saying 'Mummy run away baby, Mummy run away baby' for aaaaaages after.

What people are saying about whinging as opposed to distres is very true. If dd had just been whinging I'd not have felt bad about it but the fact is, she was dreadfully disturbed by CC. Unlike Aloha's baby, she wasn't miserable with her sleep pattern and now she's older it's easy to see that she's a highly strung child who needs little sleep and I doubt any amount of CC would have made her sleep more.