will my baby still love me if Ido CC? I want him to still trust me!

[crossedwires]

I have a son of 8 months who is a terrible sleeper. I have trawled through websites, literature, libraries finding information on controlled crying. Has anyone got any experience of this having a negative efffect on their baby? This has been recommended to me by a health visitor who knows my baby's sleep history. thanks

Nope. Can't leave it alone. When you say "can cause problems" what do you mean? Says who? And on what evidence? And is the evidence good enough to counteract people's own interpretation of their children?

how distressed do you let them get though? will he hurt his throat crying?
jodie that is great if it works for you but i love the other members of my family too

NKF - what terrible nights?

Ireally don't think it will have a lasting effect on my son's life. but i want to know how others coped

every child is an individual, but it worked for my first and my twins - ds1 at 6 months and twins at 4mths. the reason was they cried at night for 3 hours on and off and were miserable! 2 or 3 nights = happy parents and children.
the only thing i would check if you have not done so is reflux - does he go to sleep and then sit bolt up right screaming a few minutes later? my friends 10 month old was just diagnosed and now sleeps well with baby gaviscon!

JodieG, i'll tell you what causes problems in later life: consistent negative messages, often subtle, sometimes not about self worth and self esteem. Chaotic and inconsistent parenting styles. Neglect. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse.

Not a couple of instances of not immediately meeting the habit formed crying on waking (not based on hunger, thirst or fear, simply that this is what happens, I wake up, I cry, mummy comes, she cuddles me for ages) by going straight in. Allowing the infant to live the experience that not only will s/he survive waking and putting herself back to sleep but that actually it works a lot better for her and she gets sleep. Nevermind the side effect of a mother that has had adequate sleep.

This is not about not meeting the survival needs of a baby, nor about not meeting their emotional needs...it is about enabling the baby to realise that, in fact, it is possible to wake and then go back to sleep by yourself.

Those nights where the whole world is asleep but you. Those mornings where your eyes feel gritty with tiredness. Those times when you are dizzy from exhaustion.

crossedwires, the big question is: do you believe that abandoning your child for weeks is the same as leaving him for 2/4/6/8 minutes at a time?
If you do, then CC is definitely not for you and you should find out what these other methods are (not sure what there is apart from NCSS and co-sleeping) and try those first.

To answer your OP: my wife had the same concern so I did most of the checking and the result was the same as what Aloha described - big grin and lots of babbling first thing in the morning when I come into her room.

i think babies who don't sleep enough for years are far more cdeprived than ones who scream for a couple of nights. to be honest it was awful listening to our children scream for hours, but a baby getting so little sleep in the day is not going to thrive as much as my 2 year olds who have 2 hours in the day and 11 or 12 at night. At 8 months they had 1 hour in the morning , 2 hours in the afternoon and 11 at night. they never cried after the initial period.
i never went back in to mine - just made sure they were clean, tired, and well fed, put them down and went to do the hoovering.

sophable - I agree but I think I will find this harder than I imagine.

NKF- I have had so many of those nights that I despair! It is horrible knowing that the whole next day is going to be affected by it. I feel guilt towards my daughter at being such a crap mummy owing to tiredness and kind of guilty that I am not even a proper wife inasmuch as I don't have time for a 'relationship' wiht my husband. DaddyJ - I know that I will not be abandoning my son in the true sense of hte word but it wracks my nerves to hear him so upset. Also, I have tried other methods but to no avail.
Dinosaur - so you would say that it was worth it? I know I have to do it as I cannot carry on like this but I am dreading it. I cannot co-sleep, I just don't sleep at all that way and I am reluctant to introduce a habit like that at 8 months.
luckylady - i agree with that. I do think that it will be beneficial for him to be able to sleep through. It has to be surely. My sons naps are rubbish too because he is mainly playing catch up on his awful night.
I feel sick at the thought of cc but equally sick at the though of feeling like this for another night,week,month and so on. This is hard

Poor poor you. I don't know what to say and like I said, I was crap at the CC thing. Someone recommended to me to get my husband to do it and to leave the house.

NKF - did you get your husband to do it? What did you do? Did it right itself?

I didn't no. I was really useless. I stopped feeding my first in the night and he gave up waking up. But I stroked and petted him and gave him water. He was over a year at that stage.

With the second - well, I didn't do CC but on a couple of occasions, I crept weeping into another room and put a pillow over my head. And I guess the baby must have fallen asleep.

Like I said, I was crap.

If I had my time again, I'd get someone else to do it and go down the pub.

I had to do CC with both of mine at around 9 months as I couldn't take the lack of sleep any longer. it only took about 3 days till they were sleeping through and everyone was happier afterwards because we were getting more sleep. it is horrible at the time but you just have to get through it and the end result is worth it.
it's not true that they think afterwards that there's no point crying because no-one will come. My two are 2 and 4 and they both still occasionally cry for us in the night but only if they NEED something (drink, blankets fallen off, wet bed, ill, bad dream etc), not just because they've woken up.
Good luck if you decide to do it.

It?s going to be fine, crossedwires, you?ll find something that will agree with you as well as work, I can promise you that!

How do you feel about being in the room with him while he settles himself?

It's all coming back to me (says she with a shudder). I thought the point of CC was that someone did come but it was such a dull visit that baby decided it wasn't worth waking up for.

NFK - the pub option sounds so much more appealing!. I suppose, in a way, you did do a crying thing because your baby cried itself to sleep while you had your head under the pillow. It's so hard isn't it. I look at his little face beaming at me, covered in orange gloop from his mashed carrot dinner and I wonder how I can ever leave him to cry. The flip side is I wake up for the fifth time that night in as many hours and I wonder how I avoid throwing him in his cot and leaving him to it. Ho hum

Yes I suppose I did. But to describe the chaotic misery of those nights as "controlled" is pushing it. If it makes you feel any better, they both think I'm terrific.

And nothing Dr and Martha Sears (is it only me who finds husband and wife teams sinister?) can make me distrust the evidence of my own eyes and ears.

lyrabel....... I think I have decided. I jsut need to know it is OK.
DaddyJ _I have tried comforting him from beside the cot on a previous occasion but I think that was hard because he seemd to be screaming please help me, you are here so pick me up (or was that just my strong maternal instinct telling me that?!). I feel I will be better revisiting at frequent intervals.
NFK - I'm sure the revisits are reassurances that you are still around but not there to be a 'dummy/sedative'.
He only falls back to sleep on the boob so I guess I should read some threads on taking a dummy away. That probably is the same as controlled crying isn't it?

by the way - I am really pleasdd that I have not been completely shouted down for this. I thought I would be thrown to the lions for even attempting it. Believe me, it is not out of anything short of desperation.