I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

oh and ds has always slept on his side

Can you go to an out of hours GP now OP? Something is bothering your baby and given your exhaustion I think it should be dealt with sooner rather than later.

Shame is there some sort of out of hours house call service in your area? For your baby's tummy and yourself. We're all here for you all evening.

DS slept on his side...once he could roll to his side. As soon as he was physically able to spin to his tummy, he did and he still sleeps on his tummy at nearly 2 years old.

OP, we are here, all night - hand holding, support, sympathy, suggestions, whatever you need.

Remember - it is nothing you are doing, you are doing a brilliant job. If it's too much, put him down, go in the garden, scream or cry. Walk away for a minute or 30 seconds. You can get through tonight, you've done it before. One minute at a time. Keep posting

Oh op, I didn't have any of your problems, a 'normal sleeper' and I still felt homicidal!!! You poor thing xx it's OK to feel that fed up shitty fucked off wanting to scream and shout.. We all feel it, but so long as you walk away

I've literally had moments when I wanted to punch my child full on (for being argumentative) , but walked away, and kept sane that way. (that's hard to write) but I think the important thing is to recognize how you feel is normal and being able to walk away..

I googled OOH GPs in my area but they are all very far and I don't drive. I have just given ds some gripe water and he's done a huge poo so hopefully that means a few hours' sleep for him (and me) in the near future

Please try Colief

Hang in there OP. Poor little baby sounds like he has colic. We're here for you x

They might do house calls?

And well done with the gripe water, applause for that woman!

I have probably every baby medication known to human kind as ds was colicky for many weeks and is still very gassy

We're here all night OP, get your head down as soon as he does. I found that I couldn't settle when I was going through the same, my head would hit the pillow and I couldn't relax because my mind was racing and i'd just be waiting for the next cry. I used a relaxation app to help me drop off, there are a few to chose from.

We know. Listen, I've read your thread you're certainly not missing a truck by the sounds of it. It's just that you've said your baby is better settled during the day (potentially exhausted) that's why I thought about getting a Dr out this evening.

Something else that occurred to me- you said DS is a lazy feeder and latches off just after let down. Well I had oversupply of milk and often the let down would be so forceful mine would latch off and need burping before latching on again otherwise they would swallow loads of air whilst trying to keep up with the milk shooting down their throat. It might help to burp DS mid feed just to get rid of air so he fills up on milk and doesn't think he's full when he's not because he's got a belly full of air.

What are his poos like?

You have had loads of good advice, but can I just offer a possible problem with reflux, that might be worth looking at?
Do you produce a lot of milk? My DD had real problems with this , and DGS had lots of colic , gas, etc. and was always hungry. He only got the fore milk, which did not fill him up for long. There is a brilliant American website for breastfeeding Mums - link here to the bit on what can cause the symptoms of reflux.
It may not apply at all, but best wishes to you for some sleep

kellymom.com/mother2mother/m2m-reflux/

I know sleep is your problem, but as an aside please learn to drive. For a myriad of reasons.

That's good advice baldricks though I would go one step further and say that oversupply and unlatching is another common sign of tongue tie.

One more thing OP - I think it is wise to talk to a GP or OOH but I would do two things - first, video one of his crying sessions and second, write down every sleep/wake session on paper.

For some reason sleep issues are often dismissed as first time parent neurosis or naïveté. I find that going to the trouble of writing it down, and actually quantifying the poor sleep, tends to make healthcare professionals take it more seriously.

It's a PITA but worth doing for a 24 hour period.

Just wondered if you have a bouncy/rocking chair OP. I had a fisher price one from Argos with a removable activity bar. It vibrates and you could rock it with your foot or whatever. During the day your lo could sleep In there and as he stirs just Rock him back off to sleep into the next sleep cycle?

Baldricks - my let down is very strong and when ds is really hungry (3hrs after last feed) he will keep sucking (making a surprised face durig the let down but holding on the nipple) but if he feeds more often he will latch off during let down and I have to simultaneously hold a wriggling ds, press a muslin to my nipple, wipe any spills and verbally calm the furious baby who latches back with frenzy within seconds. Burping him in these conditions will be interesting but I will give it a try. This may be in fact how he gets so bloated

bookbook - I do have a lot of milk but it seemed to me that ds gets to the hindmilk (empties a breast in 10-15mins, puts on weight). I'll take a look at the site

Bum - poos have been unusually smelly (vomit-inducing) for the last 2 weeks and grainy but normal colour (yellow) and frequency (5-ish a day). Today poos are green (!?). The sleep regression started about 4 days ago. He's wriggling uncomfortably and grunting a lot at night/during naps but never when awake during the day

Also as your husband is being an idiot, could your mum or someone just come and stay for a few hours even. A few times I had to just take myself to bed and ask dh/mum to bring baby to me for feeding but otherwise take care of him!

All the unlatching started 4 days ago. Same with constant wriggling, discomfort and inability to stay asleep if not on me. He was a bit easier before (good feeder but crap sleeper)

He spends 15 mins in his bouncer if entertained, never sleeps. My family and close friends are thousands of miles away but I will see the family at Christmas

Suggesting again; is there any way at all you could hire in some help, even for a few hours a week to give you a break?

Googled green poo at his age and this came up- lots of crying, gassy, sounds relevant?

www.babycentre.co.uk/x543050/why-are-my-breastfed-babys-poos-often-green