I want to hurt my baby

[ShameOhShame]

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

Mama - tried the hold but only for a very short time - ds is super heavy! Plus it still requires me to get up and out of bed and wake up completely.

Fraggled - tried the app, didn't work with ds but maybe it wasn't loud enough? Was on max volume level on my phone though

Oh my goodness shame I'm actually open mouthed at your husbands behaviour, he's taking a horrendous attitude. In your position I'd be tempted to leave his stuff on the pavement. Sorry, probably not helpful. You said you called a lovely understanding friend earlier, could you call her and ask her to pop round?

White noise didn't work for us but hope it helps you OP.

I remember being frustrated when people made suggestions which we had already tried (countless times!) so feel free to ignore this. But dc2 adores his Sleepyhead and sleeps amazingly - have you see these? You could try rolling a towel into a U shape and snuggling him down into it so he feels he is being held. It may be a bit late though. Does he prefer stomach sleeping?

The best thing now would be if you could catch up for a day or two then go all guns blazing with a new strategy. Don't get too caught up in a 'good' routine right now and do literally whatever needs doing to keep him asleep. They really do sleep better after good sleep.

Feel free to scream at my last statement - I know you know this - but I remember stubbornly trying to persist with a routine in the hope of sorting things out, when really I should have just done whatever it took to get/keep DC1 asleep.

You poor fucker. It's amazing what sleep deprivation will do. I haven't rtft so won't offer sleep advice as I will be repeating.

You have to get your dp to help. Show him this thread. I was the same as you. If it helps at all he is 2 tomorrow. Goes down 7_7 every night. And has done since he was 18 month old.

It will pass I promise. Until then do whatever you need to do. Sleep at weekends. Go to a hotel. Wean him from your breast. Anything you can. Is he over 17 weeks? Discuss solids if you think it will help. Whatever you think will help try it.

You love him. We know that. But you have to look after yourself too.

Op I really feel for you. I had similar issues and feelings with my dd now aged 12. I had very severe pnd and many times I literally dreaded having to go to her and pick her up. The lack of sleep made me so resentful, personally I also think being with a useless partner makes it even worse as not only are you sleep deprived you are also angry and hurt and broken-hearted and let down. It's enough to make anyone feel ill and fed up.

Your dh is being awful. He should be home and supporting you. With my ex he had no idea how truly desperate I was, when I told him I was leaving (when dd was 6 months old) he was shocked and broken hearted and full of promises to change but by then for me it was too late, I wouldn't have treated an animal the way he had treated me.

I know it doesn't seem like it now but the sleeping thing will get better in time. Your dh? Maybe not so much. He needs to shape up or ship out.

OP, I just wanted to say don't worry about the few posters who are demonising you, you absolutely cannot help the way you feel and I 100% believe that you can feel this way irrespective of PND.

DD1 was an awful, awful sleeper and regularly reduced me to tears, and I often contemplated how wonderful it would be if I needed to be hospitalised as then someone else would look after her for a while and I could sleep (single parent, breastfeeding, no help).

All I can say is it WILL get better, I promise! DD1 was prescribed melatonin in the end for her sleep issues and it really turned things around, but other children I know of who didn't have a sleep disorder but we're just crap sleepers soon grew out of it and slept very well as toddlers and beyond.

Your DH is, to put it mildly, a selfish arsehole and he needs to bloody well step up and support you!! Can you go home and stay with family for a while, for some help and moral support?? If he won't help you, you need to get support elsewhere.

I don't blame you for considering divorce, if he can prioritise a poxy work Xmas do over his wife's mental and physical wellbeing, he's really not someone I would want to spend my life with.

Have you spoken to anyone at all in real life about how you are feeling?

Use MN tonight OP, we'll help you get through the long night ahead

Hi OP I've only just seen this thread and it really struck a chord with me - you could literally be me 4 years ago. Dd was a breadtfeeding monster, wouldn't take a bottle (I tried every make possible - she still won't drink milk to this day!) awake every couple of hours, wouldn't let anyone else even hold her as a baby, useless DH.... I don't really have any solutions for you, but all I can promise you is that it does get better. It may take a while, but it will absolutely 100% pass. Can you catch up on any sleep while ds naps during the day?? Naps were my saviour! Stuff the housework. Stay strong op. You're not alone in feeling this way. So many of us have been there xxx

Op I'm sorry your husband is being so useless. It's completely unfair.

I have a very bad sleeper dd who is now 16 months. She also refused a bottle and we tried several types with different teats and so on. She wouldn't and won't use a dummy and also suffered with trapped wind.

Here are some things I can think that helped us:

For gas, infacol was a godsend as well as that bicycle legs method of lying baby on their back and moving the legs as if they are peddling.

Sometimes holding her and pacing the room would rock her off to sleep and then we'd gently get her into the cot.

This might get frowned upon but we started putting dd to sleep on here front instead of back as recommended. That made the biggest difference IMO. She went from waking every 20 mins to sleeping for up to five hour periods.

Some days giving up and keep dd breastfeeding/sleeping in my arms while I sat on the sofa watching TV.

You should probably see your gp or speak to your health visitor about the way you are feeling. I can empathise as I felt similar at points but it was only fleeting for me. It isn't just the sleep deprivation but the burden of always having this little baby attached to you, feeling trapped. Remember it isn't your baby's fault. He is just a little vulnerable thing looking to you for comfort and love. I know you know that already. Your husband really needs to step up.

No one is 'normalising' anything JW. Many people on this thread have said they felf the same. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Feeling something and acting on them are two different things entirely and no one should have to apologise or justify their feelings.

OP is already trying to seek help. Your judgemental attitude isn't going to help, whatever your intentions.

Well said maybebaby!

Ds was like this when I drank milk and then breastfed him, he has a dairy allergy which made him scream in pain.

Could you try cutting dairy from your diet and see if it helps?

If at any point tonight you feel the way you felt last night call 999. I'm not kidding.

Two things helped my baby who was like this:

1. Putting to sleep on her front - I got an angelcare movement sensor to go under her mattress so it beeped if she stopped breathing

1. Very LOUD white noise! Get the app Sound Sleeper. Put it on Vacuum setting and if baby is crying you need to play it louder than the crying - so, very bloody loud. Once baby is sleeping or calmer you can turn it down - but to be effective for a baby like this it needs to be much louder than you expect. It literally saved my sanity & stopped me having dark thoughts like yours.

With these 2 things, it might help you start to get your baby to self settle - putting them down asleep will make it so hard for them to stay asleep. Get through the night and start trying to settle baby to sleep during daytime naps - my baby never slept till I put her on her front - it's your decision but I was so desperate and felt that the danger of my sleep deprivation was actually greater than SIDS but got the movement sensor just to put my mind at rest.

I feel so awful for you, it's hard to imagine what constant broken rubbish sleep can do to you until you're in the thick of it. I know lots of people have suggested different things but my DD was also very gassy and windy and it turned out she has a cows milk intolerance, I'm BF and now I'm diary free she's such a content baby and sleeps so much better. We also have a sleepyhead pod for her which I think makes her feel swaddled and she loves it! XX

Good advice here so I won't elaborate.

I am also at your husband's attitude. What is it actually going to take for him to sit up and take notice? But he knows you love your DS and will put his needs first (ie being at an all time low and still returning to feed DS on time) so he carries on.

I wanted to post to add weight to the others saying well done for admitting how you feel. It is incredibly brave to say it, even to write it on an anonymous forum. OP, others have felt it so don't feel ashamed. You sound like you know the difference between logically wanting to hurt your baby and the horrendous feeling of desperation that the responsibility of breastfeeding and co sleeping brings. It's 24 hours a day, every day, it is exhausting. I can't describe how awful it is and it completely alters your mental health so yes sometimes your thoughts aren't all rainbows and unicorns. Well done for being brave enough to be honest.

YY maybebabybee

oh OP, you poor thing. you sound so desperate, and no wonder!

your husband is being a dick. Any way you can go stay with relatives? you can get some support and rest, and concentrate on trying some of the suggestions above. You won't have to worry about cooking, cleaning etc.

tell your husband that you're going to take some time to think about your future, and decide whether you can get over his lack of support since your DS was born. You have never needed him more, yet he has been cruel in his words and deeds.

I'm so sorry your husband is being such a twat OP.

I was you six months ago. I wanted my baby so badly and we waited a long time for her. I breastfed and she was awake constantly between the hours of 10pm and 4am. Every night without fail. She would sleep for maybe ten minutes once or twice between those times but that was it. I felt like hated her. I cried and regretted having her, I wanted her to not be there. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.
She wouldn't nap for longer than 30 minutes and those 30 minutes were unsettled, restless, moaney naps. I couldn't put her down.

My husband used to do the 4am-8am shift before he went to work so I can sleep and I remember just lying on the kitchen floor sobbing one morning. I couldn't take another minute. We switched to bottles but she would still fight the bottle, arch her back and cry.

In my case, baby had silent reflux. The first time I gave her baby gaviscon in her formula she slept for six solid hours in the day, woke up for another feed and slept another six. Please get a second opinion. I really think there could be a medical reason for your baby not settling. You say he has tummy ache every night - have you spoken to your HV about this? It could be something in your diet that doesn't agree with him, he could have colic - they need to look into it for you.

Your husband is a dick. And I'm being polite. He isn't listening to you - if he was, he wouldn't have gone tonight. He needs to step up. You are supposed to be a team, it is not just your job to look after your son.

Please hang in there, I promise it gets better. It doesn't seem like it now and things seem so bleak in the dead of night but it will get better.

OP is already trying to seek help. Your judgemental attitude isn't going to help, whatever your intentions.

I don't think I was being judgemental at all. I think you need to chill!

Your post brought up so many memories. DD was such a poor sleeper, it would take ages to get her to sleep, I could never move from her side and she woke up a million times to feed. It does pass but that doesn't help much when you are in the middle of it all.

Your DH is a shit. I can't think of what to say to help with that. Mine was quite shitty about it all as well. He decided DD was a poor sleeper because of the breast feeding so it was all caused by me for beast feeding - three years later DS arrived who was a great sleeper without me doing anything different. I do think that some techniques work some of the time but some babies have their own ideas and won't sleep no matter what you do.

Just one thought regarding the wind. DD strained and cried to pass wind and infacol helped her a lot so it might be something to try.

I beg to differ. Looks like others do too.

Hope you're OK OP

Frustration and sleep deprivation can definitely make you feel this way. Just a couple of weeks ago DS2 had a bad cold and would sleep for maybe 5 minutes at a time before waking hysterical because he couldn't breathe. Not his usual style at all and obviously my response should have been to just feel sorry for him. But as the lack of sleep kicked in and he became more and more inconsolable I actually had to pass him over to DH (who was sleeping downstairs on the sofa) because I was worried I would hurt him if he carried on screaming at me. Prolonged sleep deprivation is obviously 1000x worse (as I recall from DS1, who spent months 4-9 sleeping no in no longer than 45 minute bursts) and how you are feeling is normal. BUT, your husband needs to get his act together. And you need other support, because he isn't providing enough. Definitely go back to the HV and check again for tongue tie, silent reflux, anything. Is there any way you could afford a night nanny or sleep consultant for a couple of nights who could just bring him in to you for feedings? Getting just a few nights proper sleep would make such a big difference. Anyone who could help you pay for it as part of a Christmas present maybe?
Also, controversial I know, but side/front sleeping really made a difference in how well my gassy/refluxy babies slept. Can your baby roll over yet? I used to prop DS2 on his side with a rolled up towel sort of wedging him so he couldn't roll onto his front. Both of them now only ever sleep on their fronts now that they are older.
It will pass, I promise. I know it seems like it will never end but I swear that it will get better. For now, just get through it one day at a time.

we're on Infacol and I don't drink milk, will cut all dairy just in case

he's been crying with little breaks since dh left the house, screaming blue murder, nothing helps, he's obviously in distress, looks like a belly problem but won't let me touch it

we're both crying, what an amazing adventure motherhood...

JW you have been unkind and very judgemental.

I'd be willing to put money on the OP's baby having silent reflux / CMPA. So your frankly crap "advice" of I think formula feeding will change your life will have absolutely no benefit whatsoever.

OP ask for a second medical opinion and then take some action about your "D" H.

Can you try a NUK bottle with a latex teat?
You might have to leave the house while DH gives it.

My boob monster, all night snack bar DD nearly killed me - I hope you get a break soon.