High-Need Baby Support Thread III

[TitaniaP]

Well as I'm awake I thought I'd start thread 3!

The high-need baby thread has been moved from breast & bottle feeding to sleep. In the early days of the thread I think feeding was a significant issue for many of the posters. I think those that post regularly on the thread would now agree that's it's mainly sleep that's the issue.

So if your baby fits the following criteria come and join us for wine, chocolate, coffee and matchsticks as we delight in our active, inquisitive, curious and restless babies or toddlers!

1. Feeds frequently daytime
2. Feeds frequently nighttime
3. Needs to be constantly held
4. Wont sleep alone
5. Hates the car seat/pram
6. Short naps

Thanks ladies. DH has always been very hands on and supportive with DS though - he more than does his fair share, even during the nights he helps me by settling DS back to sleep after his night feeds. There's really nothing more he can do to help make things easier. The only thing that's going to help is DS sleeping better. Last night he went down at 7pm, up for a feed at 9pm, up again at 10pm and screamed the house down until he got boob - and then screamed more after a few seconds attached, tried a bottle, a few half-hearted sucks but not really hungry by the looks of things, DH managed to get him back to sleep by about 11.30pm, where he woke every hour afterwards, until early this morning where he would suddenly let out a cry but manage to settle himself again. DH fully involved and helping the entire time, but getting more pissed off by the hour (as was I - can you even say that about your baby? :() that we're almost 9 months down the line and have consistently shit sleep. My best friend's baby slept through at 3 months, and my step sister's baby is nearly 6 months and slept from 7.45pm till 6.15am last night (thank you fucking Facebook for giving me a channel by which I can learn just how shit my baby is sleeping compared to everyone else's). What can we be doing so terribly wrong that we can't even get DS to sleep more than 2 or 3 hours in a row? At 9 months?

We just started snapping at each other about what we're going to do about things. I don't think either of us know what to do, but we know we have to do Something. I just don't think I can listen to him screaming the way he did last night. Have dug out the No Cry Sleep Solution again. I just don't get it - he can self settle to sleep at night - he did it just the other day, so why is he still waking up so often? Can he really still need milk every 2 hours or more at night? Really?

And he's lost all interest in anything solidy the past 2 days as well. Not that he was having much at all.

Sigh, sorry ladies. Ranting. DS woke too early from his morning nap as well - I tried and failed to resettle so DH went up - managed to get him back to sleep, came back down only for DS to start crying again the second he sat down. He's not come down since - I'm hoping that he managed to get him back to sleep and is having a nap himself. I'm meant to be working but can't concentrate.

DH and I never argue. Before DS we never ever argued. Things have changed so much and it scares me :( It also scares me how fed up I am.

Tickle, I know where you are coming from with the pissed off with your own baby - I feel like that sometimes. DD wakes every 2 hours but never really fully wakes, and goes straight back to sleep with a feed except when she's ill, like now - so really normally I just lie there, hoik her closer, fall back asleep... - could your DS be uncomfortable for a medical reason? If he takes effort to get back to sleep, then there must be a reason?

Tickle - you sound just like me last week. This feeling will pass, I promise. You've just had a bad run. You are doing nothing wrong, you have a gorgeous, spirited little boy who is so well attached to the pair of you that he needs to know you're nearby to relax. It's a sign of emotional intelligence! You'll have a better night soon and this frustration will pass for both of you. Children do put strain on relationships, you know you're strong enough to weather it. All it boils down to is that you're exhausted. Nothing else has changed. Just be kind to yourself (as I was advised ) and give your DH a huge cuddle.

And don't go on fucking FB. It's the devil's own work. Anyway, I bet your DS is still the cutest out of all those sleepy babies!

Oh tickle, hugs! I think we can all relate, you aren't alone. Queen is right, it will pass, I find it all goes in waves. If it's any consolation DS is the same, still waking every 2-3 hours. We have seen improvement in other areas, for example with getting evenings back as he'll let me leave him now. It's such tiny steps though and very frustrating. I have no clue how to make it better, all I feel I can do is ride it out - some days I'm OK with that, other days I'm tearing my hair out and crying with tiredness. I have to admit the sidecar cot is my saviour though, as it means DS doesn't get to full blown crying before I can shove a boob in his face comfort him, so he usually settles fairly quick.

As others have said, do be kind to yourself.

Thank you ladies. DH decided that tonight we'd give him his last feed downstairs, then bath and bed. DS is asleep now, but had to be rocked as he was very upset :( Surely thats swapping one crutch for another? I'm just tired and sad and wish I knew what to do. I want to be able to feed him upstairs after his bath and then pop him into bed to sleep. That's my (and everyone of us I guess) goal. How we get there I just don't know.

Evening. Sorry to hear about the hard time you're having tickle.

Spoke to the hospital today and it seems DS had Rotavirus. The dodgy tum could last another few days yet - oh joy. He's much better however, even if he does look very skinny now. I'm not trying to limit how much milk he takes in one go anymore and he's had a few mouthfuls of solids. Toast and banana mainly - he was keen to start eating again.

As I've not wanted to let him feed lots (rightly or wrongly) I've been rocking him to sleep instead of feeding him. I agree with tickle that it's jut swapping one crutch for another but it's a crutch anyone can do. My mum, DH and eventually nursery can all rock him. Only I can feed him. And he drops off quicker generally being rocked than fed. Also last night I found I could just put my hand on him and wiggle him back to sleep. Only time will tell if that's because he's ill or something I'll be able do when he's fully recovered.

Having a baby is the hardest thing. You think of all the joy and the cooing, and watching them grow and teaching them new things. You don't think of the sleepless nights, or the backache from rocking, or cleaning up sick at 3am, or the incessant crying, or that they might be permanently attached. It's bound to put pressure on a relationship, especially as you never know if you have exactly the same opinions on child-rearing, After all when you discuss getting pregnant you don't talk about how you'll handle a 9 month old baby that won't sleep on their own or one that wont be put down ir keeps crying. Add sleep deprivation into the mix and it would be more surprising if there weren't disagreements.

I agree with Queen - go easy on yourself. This mothering lark is tough enough as it is!

hi...waving and sending love and hugs to you all. hoping for better nights all round. too tired to type much...tickle im so sorry, been there with the dh. its so hard for you right now . you are doing amazingly - thinking of you

Hello ladies, can I join? I have a 10 month old DS who is certainly 'spirited'. He's always been a terrible sleeper and would never be put down, thank goodness for my sling, I think it saved my sanity at one point. Now he's older he's a real personality - so active, inquisitive and interested in the world. But he's bloody hard work too! I've just started back at work and we're co-sleeping after his first wake up, even then he wakes every couple of hours through the night, only settled by boob and can't self settle. I am so pleased to find a group of like-minded people with similar babies :)

Hi GuineaPigMum - welcome! Sounds like you'll fit right in here! :)

Having a baby is the hardest thing. You think of all the joy and the cooing, and watching them grow and teaching them new things. You don't think of the sleepless nights, or the backache from rocking, or cleaning up sick at 3am, or the incessant crying, or that they might be permanently attached. It's bound to put pressure on a relationship, especially as you never know if you have exactly the same opinions on child-rearing, After all when you discuss getting pregnant you don't talk about how you'll handle a 9 month old baby that won't sleep on their own or one that wont be put down ir keeps crying. Add sleep deprivation into the mix and it would be more surprising if there weren't disagreements.

Thanks Titania - You put that brilliantly. Having a baby is the best thing I've ever done, but it is also by far the hardest. It's really no wonder that we don't always agree with our partners about the best thing to do when we're doing something so hard.

Hope you all have good nights [hopeful emoticon]

Hi ladies, sorry, real life has been a bit busy (in a ho hum way, reorganising car hire etc which was surprisingly Kafka-esque). Also been trying to cut down in mnetting time, but this only resulted in excess time spent on gardening websites. dh off today so I actually got time to do some real rather than virtual gardening. V satisfying, but so so much more to do!

Hugs to those with poorly babas. Was hoping your wee man would have improved by the time I got back on, Titania, glad to hear he's eating and bfing a little.

tickle more hugs! The low pints of having a high needs baby are so low aren't they? Thank god for this quiche so we don't have to do the feeling crap, self doubting, frustrated business alone

Welcome new ladies! Looking forward to getting to know you and your los and sharing a good whinge... Of which I may be doing tomorrow, depending on how ds settles tonight . if he doesnt, may be dipping into my massive choc stash (and pro-offering to quiche virtually of course). Ooh I hear him must go

It's amazing how supportive everyone is here
Welcome GuineaPig
Tickle- it will get better- I think we've all had the ups and downs. And when we are sleep deprived, things always seem much worse
Think of the half filled glass- half empty or half full?? - we all have different perceptions on things, and that perception can change when we look at things differently. Try, during these difficult times, to think about what you have got ( beautiful, spirited healthy baby, helpful dp etc), and try not to focus so much on what is lacking (sleep! And the rest!). Take care and look after each other (hugs)

Btw, to the snuffly babies, bm up the nose is supposed to help!!!

Sorry I've not had chance to catch up but I need a little moan :(

First proper day back today and I have a 12hr day with 60 mile commute to look forward to on 4hrs broken sleep! DS is back to wanting to feed every 2hrs with his cold but not feeding very well, plus his new tooth is drawing blood on one side and the other side is too painful to feed from, I've been expressing from it but this morning it's all red, sore and lumpy so I think ive got early mastitis! I've tried using nipple shields but he won't feed from them at all!

Please help me find the strength to not wallop DP when he tells me how tired and ill he's feeling (he's got manflu)....

I know how you're feeling tickle. My DS is 6 months old today and sleeps no better than he did when he was 6 days old. I'm so run down and feeling really poorly. DP and I regularly have the "who's more tired" competition. I know he works and has a long commute but he is currently sleeping in the other room due to our co-sleeping so gets a full nights sleep each night. So I win...he doesn't agree tho!

I took DS swimming for the first time yesterday and he went berserk. I expected no more. Mampig is right, we have to love the babies we've been given and I do, so much. It is hard not to compare though, I spend a lot of time with babies of a similar age (actually a few weeks younger) and they are just so content and sleep so well. Their idea of a sleep problem is that their babies won't drop the 11pm feed!

Anyway, I've only just joined you and don't want you to think I moan all the time so 5 things I love about my boy:
He has a real sense of humour and has started doing fake coughs to get my attention and then laughs with me when it works,
He's really sociable and loves smiling at and chatting to other babies.
He blows the most amazing raspberries.
He is so alert and always wants to be part of the action.
He's bloody gorgeous and he's mine.

Ah, that cheered me up despite the fact that I only had 4 hours of broken sleep. Have a good day all x

, Spanner. Do what you can to get through the day- maybe your first day won't be too busy, and you'll get time to try and get sorted. In the plus side, the break from feeding will help your nipples heal- have you lanisoh on? When you get home, (early if u can), try and get yourself sorted, and get early night. Poor u on your first day back !!!!!!!

Thanks for the warm welcome :)
Spanner, I can sympathise. I started back at work, full time, last week. I was dreading it so much that I actually forgot that there are some things about work that a do actually enjoy. Plus, although I feel terribly guilty saying this, it is quite nice to have a break from DS and being a Mum. Also I get to eat my lunch in peace and sit down to have a cup of tea! I'm expressing at work once a day though which is a pain so I don't know how long I'll continue with that. I hope your day goes ok.

Strawberry, loving your post about things you love about DS, here's my effort:
I love our morning snuggled and him going "ba ba ba" in my face and smiling.
I love how he is so curious and inspects every toy as if trying to work out how it works.
I love his giggles when he finds something I do funny, even if it's dancing round the kitchen with a tea towel on my head.
I love the way he kicks his legs in excitement at the prospect of boob!

How is everyone this morning?

Well we've just been disinvited from a wedding because we said we could only attend the daytime celebrations and would have to leave before the evening (it's a no kids affair.)

Apparently the happy couple think that's unreasonable so have said we can only come if we attend the whole day - "after all, other people have arranged childcare". That's impossible for us, DS would be so upset. Another great feature of having a HN baby.

Hope everyone is feeling better

hi everyone. a big welcome to the newcomers...you will no doubt find so much support here as i have done :)
queen i cannot believe the wedding couple! i take it they have no kids/ family with kids?! i think that is so unreasonable. i remember when dd was 2-3 months we got invited only to the evening reception, not the day. we declined due to the baby needing us and i think they were offended. people just do not get it till they have babies themselves. but still anyone with half a wit should know day time is better for people with babies; its not all about childcare! rant over.

thanks for the hot cross bun, i wish we were all together to share them this morning i feel like i need some rl support. i feel very down at the minute - things are ok with dh and me at the minute but over the last couple of months have been so hard, weve been going to marriage counselling, and ive just not been coping as well as i have when dd was a few months. shes 6 months now. i hope i can get it together again. i hope we were/are 'going back to go forward' if you know what i mean.

it doesn't help that dd is not taking food or milk this morning. her reflux seems to be playing up at different times with the milk, she will drink when hungry enough. but the food - im upset because she is 6 and a half months and not eating really for me, its a battle. just another thing to contend with it feels.

that list of good points is a great idea. i made one on my computer for each stage she was at awhile ago - i will update it it makes me feel good!

hope you all have a great day

Nope, no kids. They are bohemian alternative sorts. And wankers obviously. (DH's mates, not mine.)

Jan - I know what you mean about feeling like you coped better when they are smaller. I lost it again last night when he wouldn't go to bed. DH had to take over which meant he screamed for 15 minutes while I calmed down. I feel really guilty this morning. It seems to be getting harder and harder.

I think it is harder now because it is more apparent that they are difficult babies. In the early days, it is expected that they will wake frequently at night, cry a lot, have feeding issues etc. and lots of mothers are in the same boat. But by 6 months it is expected that things should have settled down and you realise that you are in the minority to be still having these problems. Plus, it obviously gets worse the longer the sleep deprivation goes on for. It's got to get easier though (fingers and toes crossed).

Hugs to all those that need them, and welcome to the newcomers! :)

Well DD slept really well last night! I'm sure there was a couple of 3 hour stretches - trouble is that I didn't! I kept waking up when she would normally, getting back to sleep then being woken when she woke at a new strange time... Doh!

And now I think she's got chicken pox - loads of spots on her this morning all of a sudden, so maybe she did my usual thing, which is when ill to sleep.... Babies eh?

Oh at least I know it is not just me - how old are most of the babies on here? Mine is 9.5 mo - I'm going back to work in 8 weeks, she still feeds at least 4 times a day (between 8-5), I'm a failure at expressing, she won't take formula, or a bottle. I'm just going to have to keep my fingers crossed that normal food will sustain her until I get to her
She's cutting her 8th tooth - so less sleep than normal here (not quite the every ten minutes that she did when she was 5 months old though... for 3 weeks straight)
I'm currently sat by the seafront with a super annoying cd of nursery rhymes on while she takes a nap having fallen asleep in the car... not sure how many more times I can take this particularly annoying version of Mary Mary Quite Contrary...

9 and a bit months here.... and chicken poxed! Also going back to work soon....

Mumble!
??? Is mine the only 9 mo without any teeth????

Lwl, chicken pox- prob why past few days have been more difficult? Good luck with it though- its a hard time for dcs.

I agree, I think we are realising how hard it is cos most other babies are settling, and we are now beyond the excuse making stage. Reality strikes- we have hn babies. But we also have each other.

Mampig - yes hindsight is a wonderful thing - she's def been poorly the last few days! She had spots this morning, but now they're blisters - def chicken pox..,...

Agree that it's past the excuse making stage now which is hard now....

Good to know we're not alone!