Would you try controlled crying if it felt wrong wrong wrong?

[OComeOliveFaithfOil]

I am getting very peed off with dd2, nearly 16 months.

She goes down ok at 7pm, and will wake within the next hour, I settle her by lying on our bed then lift her into her cot. Then sometimes she will go through, sometimes she will wake in the night (again, brought into our bed then resettled).

However, lately she has been downstairs with us until nearly 10pm and I am getting mightily fed up. We do not have any time to ourselves and I do not get any time away from my children.

Dd1 is 3 and sleeps like a dream, and we haven't done anything different with dd2 so WHY WON'T SHE SLEEP?

I have always gone with my gut instinct on parenting issues and controlled crying just seems mean and cruel but I can't think of anything else to sort it out.

Help.

xx

What does she do if you put her to bed (cot?) at 7pm. Does she cry or call for you?

I'm a big fan of CC. It has really worked for us. That being said, it still feels cruel and horrible to do. (But worthwhile, for us. I'm no good with disrupted sleep, and don't have the patience for other methods.)

But if you're really uncomfortable with the idea of CC, I wouldn't even start! If you start CC and give up partway through, then you make it impossible to ever do CC again. (You can try it for a night, and then give up the next night, I guess. But it won't really help you.)

Oh, yeah, are you cuddling her to sleep, and then putting her down asleep? Or putting her down awake?

She goes into position (one arm up, one arm down) and turns her head to the wall. I put the lullaby thing on and walk away.

She has always been put down awake so has no problem with that, the problem is when she comes into light sleep I think.

But then some nights I think that maybe she needs me, a cuddle or something, is she teething?? etc etc etc.

Honestly, if it felt wrong I wouldn't do it, but I did do it with ds at about 8 months. And it did work very well. He usually sleeps like a dream.

If you think of controlled crying as a way to teach them to go back to sleep without needing you there, therefore teaching them to get a better night's sleep, maybe it won't feel so cruel to you?

But if you feel it's cruel whatever, don't do it, it will make you feel guilty.

I agree with NQC, you have to really want it to work before you start otherwise you'll give up.

It can work really quickly though so maybe it won't be too painful for you.

Oliveoil, controlled crying shouldn't be mean or cruel. I've done it and it didn't feel cruel to anyone other than me!!! What you do is that when they start up, you go in and repeat a familiar mantra in a soothing voice such as "lie down now, its time for sleep". You keep going in for as long as it takes. I started off every two minutes, slowly extending minute by minute until I was going in every 10 mins. Your child should feel safe & reassured that you are there but will learn that it is time for sleep and you are not going to take it downstairs for lots of cuddles and time infront of the tv.
The first night I did it, I was in and out of the room for 1hr & 45 mins, the second night for 40 mins, the third night for 15 and that was it!!!
What is cruel about reassuring your child every 2 mins that it is bed time? The only thing required is determination on your part to be consistent and not get so tired yourself that you give in and go back downstairs again.
I hope this reassures you about controlled crying. Good luck.

Maybe cruel is the wrong word, I am just full of doubts.

I just think of that bloody NSPCC ad with the 'quiet baby'.

Dh can't listen to her cry either and I think it would be something we would have to agree on.

Bugsy - that sounds promising. What did you do in the middle of the night though? Its easy to do things at 9pm than 3am. Did you still do the same thing?

x

If something feels utterly wrong to you, then don't do it. You're not inexperienced parents, and what feels right to you has obviously worked in the past, so follow your instincts.

But there are alternatives to CC. Have you read The Baby Whisperer? Her alternative methods are time-consuming but effective, and, like with all the better child-rearing philosophies, you don't have to stick slavishly to her way but can cherry-pick the bits that work best for you.

Balls - got some work to do, will be back in a bit.

Hopefully this won't turn into a slanging match, I am not saying people who do cc are cruel, just that I am unsure as to what to do myself.

All tips welcome!

Thanks

OO

xx

That bloody NSPCC advert . To my mind, with CC they cry because things are changing - they have got used to not sleeping, mummy comes in and cuddles them... then the plan changes, they don't sleep, mummy doesn't come and cuddle, so they have a quick yell and whinge about it. It is normally more of a temper crying than distressed - if it turns into distressed then I do normally give cuddles.

I really feel for you. It's strange how two children can be so different isn't it? My DD was always a terrible sleeper - very colicky as a baby, needed the breast to go to sleep and woke frequently and wouldn't go back down. She didn't suffer for it during the day - she just didn't seem to need much sleep. We, on the other hand, were severely sleep deprived. She didn't "sleep through" until she was about 2 and even now (at 3.5) I lie with her until she falls asleep. I could never face trying controlled crying, I was too tired, I just took the path of least resistance - I was also convinced she'd break us before we broke her! DS is almost 4 months old and has slept brilliantly from day one. We've done nothing different - I can't explain it.

My DD is not a bad sleeper now, and with the benefit of hindsight I'm glad I didn't try controlled crying though I know it works for loads of people. In my heart I can't help thinking that there is nothing wrong with a child knowing you are there for them straight away when they cry. You aren't comfortable with controlled crying so I would say if you can carry on the way you are things do get better.

It isn't like the NSPCC baby either, because with controlled crying, they do know you are there, and they do know you will come eventually, they just have to weigh up whether it is worth the effort, and after a few nights the generally decide it isn't. Contolled crying still means babies cry when they need you, they just don'tcry puely for your presence. Miles the quiet baby knew there was nobody there. That is how I assuaged my feelings of guilt following that bloody advert anyway.

Oh and never never never bring them downstairs once they are in bed unless ill, because it won't be worth the effort if all they get is you going shush, but a trip downstairs is worth hours of tantrum.

OliveOil, my son didn't wake at 9am, he used to wake up at 1am and keep me up until 2or3am. I decided that I couldn't go on in this permanently sleep deprived state, so when he was 15 months old I finally plucked up the courage to do sleep training. I think it was one of my early posts on here in fact (he is 6 now)!
So the first night, I switched on the light in my bedroom and got the clock out. I knew I was going to be up but at least with the light on it didn't feel so bad as stumbling around in the dark. I just kept on going in and out. It was stressful and he was very, very angry - really bawling his head off. However, I knew that I wasn't making him cry and that by going in every two minutes he would not feel abandoned or alone but just that mummy was not going to be his playmate in the middle of the night anymore!

Grrr, silly me - "my son didn't wake at 9pm" - not am!!!!

We're trying cc because all our usual methods of getting DS back to sleep were failing and we reached the point that he was still crying every hour when in bed with us and nuzzling the breast! We are two days into cc now and what reassures me are the smiles I'm greeted with in the morning...
I think a mantra which reassures you as well as the baby is a good start. Good luck!

To those of you that did it, were your partners supportive?

When ever I try to leave her for a little while, dh bellows up the stairs to bring her down. Also, I can't see him listening to crying in the night either.

And I think my will would go in the night as well.

You do need your partner to be on board. You both need to be willing to give it a try. Otherwise, you won't end up sticking with it.

I'd consider some of the other methods people have suggested.

(We never really sat around listening, more like cowering elsewhere in the house, while watching the lights on the monitor.)

lol at cowering. I was wrapping presents and talking loudly and inanely about nothing whilst dh was grimacing at the tv. Didn't last long.

I really am at a loss as to what to do, I love her to bits and when she has cried for 5 mins she gets racking sobs and I feel so mean.

Sympathy, Oliveoil, you can join Springchicken and I!!

Similar to you, DD1 is fab at sleeping, DD2 goes down on her own, then usually disturbs before midnight, then again about 4 am. Sometimes alot more, a few times she has gone through!

In her case, it's her bloody dummy. She goes to sleep with it, then it falls out and sh'e fine until she gioes into lighter sleep, realises, thwen shouts for me. She doesn't cry so much as groan and say "mummmmmmyyyyy", until I go in. Then straight back to sleep.

I worry more that she'll wake DD1 up.

I know what you mean aboyt CC, I can't do it with DD2.

Will follow this thread!

Dh is more sure about it than me actually. I can tell by my DS crying that he's cross more than sad because he's not getting his way. If it were sad sobbing I don't think I'd last very long at all.

No I wouldn't do anything that I felt was 'wrong wrong wrong'. Why would anyone?

However, am wondering if you have an incorrect inpression of CC. It's true that there are many versions of it (that's the beauty of it.. you can taylor it to your own needs/how much you can personally cope with).. but the version I have used VERY successfully involved VERY short spells of time in which the child in question actually cried properly before being reassured. It is still possible to do this and progress with longer periods each time. It still works in the vast majority of cases.

What seem 'wrong' to me is to allow a child to persist with a habit that is affecting the whole family negatively, including the child, when it CAN be changed for the better within days.

SJ x

(Also.. not meaning to be offensive in any way I promise.. but I think we have to learn to NOT be such delicate little flowers that we cannot handle a few minutes of the sound of our own child crying at what is esentially nothing. If you know nothing is wrong, you have nothing to fear. Parenting, whilst being about large doses of love, is also a tough business. CC may not be for everyone.. but many could do it, to the benefit of themselves AND their child, if, in this respect, that 'toughened up' just a tiny bit. After all, there are tougher challenges ahead, I promise!)

v true