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Original poster

Would you try controlled crying if it felt wrong wrong wrong?

145 replies

OComeOliveFaithfOil · 13/12/2005 10:38

I am getting very peed off with dd2, nearly 16 months.

She goes down ok at 7pm, and will wake within the next hour, I settle her by lying on our bed then lift her into her cot. Then sometimes she will go through, sometimes she will wake in the night (again, brought into our bed then resettled).

However, lately she has been downstairs with us until nearly 10pm and I am getting mightily fed up. We do not have any time to ourselves and I do not get any time away from my children.

Dd1 is 3 and sleeps like a dream, and we haven't done anything different with dd2 so WHY WON'T SHE SLEEP?

I have always gone with my gut instinct on parenting issues and controlled crying just seems mean and cruel but I can't think of anything else to sort it out.

Help.

xx

OP posts:
princessmel · 15/12/2005 16:50

I did cc with both my children (ds nearly 3, dd 19 wks) but in different forms.
I needed to do cc with my son as he woke a lot in the night and found it hard to settle himself again alone. Usually he just needed a pat and to be straightened out again (he had a round cot) and that was enough but sometimes we had to go in and out with increased gaps. This worked but he still woke untill he was 2, but could go back to sleep on his own.
I started cc with my dd when she was 10wks on the advice of my hv as she was only having her naps on my shoulder and this was not practical for us espec because I needed to be available for my ds.Also I wanted her to be able to go to sleep by herself. I think this is an important skill. I started doing it for her daytime naps and then when we had that sorted and I was able to put her down awake without crying we started putting her down awake at bedtime. She doesn't cry. I do still feed her when she wakes in the night ( 1-2 times) as she is being exclsivly bf and is still hungry and young, but put her straight back in her cot, awake , when she's finished. No crying. If she starts waking when I know that she is not hungry,whens she's bigger,I will do cc. I'm not looking forward to that tho

happyhat · 15/12/2005 19:51

Can I ask a CC question, if anyone is still around? We did CC with my lo when he was about 5 and a half months and it really worked in terms of getting him down - and, thankfully, only took 20 mins the first night and less ever since, it works for daytime naps too, 9 times out of 10 anyway. But what do you do at night with CC? He wakes up about 3 or 4 times in the night. He's not hungry or teething, just needs his dummy putting back in or a bit of a cuddle (in his cot - we don't get him out)- usually both rather than just the dummy. Any tricks on getting him to go through?

happyhat · 15/12/2005 19:52

he's 7 months now

princessmel · 15/12/2005 20:19

My son used to wake like that and we did the same as you happyhat. We gave him back his dummy and or patted him a bit then left him. There was no easy option for us. Luckily he did go straight back to sleep when we did this. He stopped doing it at 2. sorry!

happyhat · 15/12/2005 20:21

oh my god!

princessmel · 15/12/2005 20:31

I know! In the end he must have just learnt to go back to sleep by himself and find his dummy by himself. Some of my friends find that putting lots of dummys in the cot helps as there is more chance they'll find one themselves. I didn't do this for ages as I was worried he'd end up wanting loads of dummys all the time and crying because he couldn't find his 2nd or 3rd dummy. I thought it would start a new problem( i used to need to go to bed with 3 as a baby!) but it did seem to help as he got older. (He only has them for naps and stopped having it during the day at 1.)
Another idea is glow in the dark dummys as they are easier to spot, or a little nightlite.
Our son also found it easier to find his dummy when I put a bumper on his cot. I didn't use one when he was a baby as I was worried about suffocation etc. but bought one when he was about 2 and it really helped keep the dummy in the cot. Ikea sell a really long one that goes all round the cot. No gaps. Its cheap too. About £8

happyhat · 15/12/2005 20:34

not sure how I'd cope with another 18 months with no sleep! I've only seen him manage to pop it back in once. i thought about trying to wean him off completely but it seems like such a trauma for all of us

pad · 15/12/2005 20:37

Can i just ask what you do when you go away?I have just done cc with my 6 month old and it worked really well but we have to go away for christmas and I am so worried it will all go out the window.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 15/12/2005 20:39

We're going away tomorrow to stay with dh's parents. Normally I would say that you apply the same rules away as you would do at home, but in our case if he cried he would wake up the entire house which isn't fair on them. We'll try cc, but if his crying lasts more than half an hour we'll have to give in, then it's back to Square One when we get home. Very annoying but what can you do?

pad · 15/12/2005 20:41

That is so annoying! I don't understand why once they have managed to learn how to settle themselves to sleep they can't do it anywhere.

lindster · 16/12/2005 10:42

we attempted CC a couple of wks ago but chickened out when he became hyterical. Last night i was up for over an hour bum patting so want to try again. We too are going away for 3 nights over xmas, would it be a really bad idea to do it beforehand or shall we just wait till we are home agin?

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 16/12/2005 13:49

I know that my two will settle anywhere, as long as they have some familiar things, so we bring along their bears, sleeping bag and a blanket for the cot-sized one, a bedtime story, and do their usual bed-time routine with milk and a story. But until I knew that this worked, and while they were still unreliable at going to sleep, I wouldn't even let them cry at all, but would sit by them, or stroke them, or do whatever it took to get them to sleep.

I certainly would not expect an unreliable sleeper to settle themselves in a strange environment if they couldn't do it at home. I wouldn't even try, because, even though you are being inconsistent regarding sleep, one thing must remain consistent, and that is that crying does not get rewarded. So instead do the 'rewarding', ie comforting them, before they even start crying.

h23 · 18/12/2005 15:08

Hi all, cc really worked for me. you just have to harden your heart but know it's good for them and for you in the long run. my babe now goes to sleep without a murmer.
the book that really helped me is 'healthy sleep habit, happy child' by marc weisbluth. he talks a lot about how cc is helping the child, not hurting them, like you would let your child cry because they weren't allowed sweets and this is the same thing, they are crying beacuse you know what's good for them more that they do.
it is easlier when the child is younger, but it can work. i found washing up while she was crying meant that i couldn't hear her that much...

dandycandyjellybean · 19/12/2005 10:21

how young was she?

We3kingsofOrinocoare · 19/12/2005 22:23

DON'T DO IT.. unless you're 100% for it.

I couldn't do it with my dd1 - I ended up holding her hand till she fell asleep, until she was 2. She's a sensitive child and I knew it would really upset her.

However, for some reason it felt right with dd2, and I didn't have an issue with it.

Go with the gut

OComeOliveFaithfOil · 20/12/2005 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aprilmeadow · 20/12/2005 23:34

My DH and I have been reading this thread with great interest. Our DS is 8mths and doesnt sleep through. I have been wanting to try CC for months, but Dh was hesitant. Bit the bullet after we both saw how it had worked for so many of you, and touch wood, we are having success!

Sunday night took 1hr 7-8pm and 15 mins 3.15-3.30am
Monday night took 50mins 10-10.50pm and 15 mins 3.45-4am
Tonight so far has taken 20mins 11.10-11.30pm

I am so pleased i found this thread or else we would still be sitting with DS for half an hour at a time until he chose to fall asleep. Thank you

aprilmeadow · 21/12/2005 09:34

famous last words!! no sooner had i turned the PC off last night the little monkey woke again - 11.45 - and was awake for an hour. The up side was that he didnt wake again until 6.15. So thats a bonus

MissC · 21/12/2005 22:16

dont worry, there will be ups and downs and there will of course be 'exceptions' for nights when theyre teething or got wind or colds or whatever (i may be a bad'un but i dont see anything wrong with giving calpol before bed if i think they may be in pain of some sort)...
setting up a routine they can rely on is the main thing, and a little flexibility and trusting your own parenting instincts can only be a good thing.
you only just started so you seem to be doing pretty well - so long as you all sleep through most nights, then your 'sleep training' is a success in my book.

h23 · 23/12/2005 17:32

Hi Cubby-
just checked this thread again. If it's not too late to reply to you, DD is now 8.5months old and I think I started CC at about 4.5 or 5 months.

CC helped with naps, but even more so with her night time sleep. She now goes to bed at 6pm and sleeps until 6 or 7am. With (until 3 days ago) one feed at 3am. I'd been waiting until she's 9months old to stop the night feed, but it seems she's stopped needing it herself. But like I said, this new routine is only 3 days old, so we'll see...

aprilmeadow · 23/12/2005 18:01

Well it went really well last night. DS woke at 2am and was asleep again within 7mins - we didnt even go in his room!! Fingers crossed for the same result tonight

aprilmeadow · 24/12/2005 11:16

got the same result last night. and managed to get him to sleep in his bed for his morning nap for the first time ever!!!

Wishing you all a happy christmas x

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 02/09/2006 00:27

If anyone is still around in here, me and my wife are seriously thinking of starting controlled crying tomorrow night. Our son is almost 3 and hasn't slept through a whole night since he was 5 months old (he spent a week in hospital and his sleep pattern was totally messed up when he came out).

We are both extremely tired and attempting to hold down jobs, full-time in my case and 3 days a week for my wife. Trying to run an English department in a secondary school on 3-4 interruptions a night is incredibly difficult :-(

We had a visit from a Health Visitor today (who was very nice and reassuring) recommending CC as a tried and tested means of ending his sleep problems. We have tried it twice before, once at about 14 months and once at 2 yrs. Due to weak wills and need for sleep, our son Alex always ended up back in bed with mum and me relegated to the single bed in the spare room. Not good. After the last CC attempt, I ended up spending the subsequent 8 months in the spare room.

Last week we began preparing the ground and have insisted he sleeps in his own room for the whole night - we have to go in to him 3-4 times and sit with him until he's asleep every night, but we have remained firm and for the first time in a while I get to sleep in my own bed.

We've finally realised that we have to get our lives and sleep back completely, so we're seriously considering it. This thread has been hugely helpful in helping us to at least become better informed about it from other people's experiences of it. Sadly it can't make the final decision for us - we have to do that ourselves.

My only doubt is what you do, if (as tonight) our son wakes the first time and when mum went up to him (straight away) she discovers he just has a bit of wind and settles down with mum there within a minute? If we're leaving him to cry 10 minutes before going in, when it could have been dealt with in 1 or 2 minutes by going in, isn't going in the better thing to do? Or do you just set up the idea that if he cries you'll be there in seconds the first time then start the CC and therefore giving him a reason to cry when he wakes up?

My wife is 95% behind the CC, and I'm about 90%. I just have this small doubt that, whilst someone earlier in the thread pointed out that CC was backed up by research and powerful voices, so was Thalidomide. And the fact that all Health Visitors seem to recommend CC reminds me of the fact that all midwifes are pushed (and paid) to promote breast feeding. Call my cynical, I know, but that's my remaining 10%.

We're going to try it anyway. I just have to rid myself of those doubts between now and tomorrow night.

bubble99 · 02/09/2006 00:41

Hello Tired.

A child of three, unless there are any underlying medical problems, will not be kept awake by wind. It will 'work it's way out' from either end, without your help. I also don't think that a stay in hospital when he was five months would have any effect on his sleep patterns so many years later. Up until 10 -11 months, IME, slep patterns are not really established anyway.

Is he coming through to your bed during the night?

magicfarawaytree · 02/09/2006 00:51

There are other methods that do not involve controlled crying. I saw a wonderful episode of the late baby whisperer where she dealt with a child who kept going to her parents bed and the same with the house of tiny tearaways, not involving controlled crying. you need to be 100% committed to whatever path you choose or it will not work. the 10% will get bigger and bigger as you get more tired. I cant personally do controlled crying it goes against what I believe. But I know many people who swear by it.