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Sleep

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Original poster

Would you try controlled crying if it felt wrong wrong wrong?

145 replies

OComeOliveFaithfOil · 13/12/2005 10:38

I am getting very peed off with dd2, nearly 16 months.

She goes down ok at 7pm, and will wake within the next hour, I settle her by lying on our bed then lift her into her cot. Then sometimes she will go through, sometimes she will wake in the night (again, brought into our bed then resettled).

However, lately she has been downstairs with us until nearly 10pm and I am getting mightily fed up. We do not have any time to ourselves and I do not get any time away from my children.

Dd1 is 3 and sleeps like a dream, and we haven't done anything different with dd2 so WHY WON'T SHE SLEEP?

I have always gone with my gut instinct on parenting issues and controlled crying just seems mean and cruel but I can't think of anything else to sort it out.

Help.

OP posts:

dolally · 02/09/2006 00:52

hello tired, I think the best way of CC is NOT that you ignore kiddo completely from the first cry, it's more like... he cries, you wait a few mins to see if he shuts up, if not you go in purely to check he's not ill/wet/cold/foot stuck in cot bars, that kind of thing. If all is well you give him NO opportunity of starting up conversations/games etc (you don't turn the light on of course) you simply say goodnight, love you, and leave the room. If the crying starts again (or maybe at his age he can get out of bed) you put him back and say the same words... i.e. your'e giving him the reassurance if that's what he needs... but otherwise your'e just plain boring!!!

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 02/09/2006 20:11

We started CC tonight. We started with 1 minute, then 2, then 4. Just done a six minute wait and went in saying only "Mummy and Daddy love you but it's time to go to sleep now". He stayed in bed as I left the room...he's never done that before!

He's just given a little cry but I think he's ok. I think he kind of knows that the game is up.

Maybe we won't be quite so positive at 3am, but we're determined to see it through.

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 02/09/2006 21:58

Well, it's nearly 10 o'clock, and he's been crying at his door for 2 hours now.

Each time we go in (15 mins apart - the maximum for our first night) we're just reassuring him and telling him it's time to go to sleep. He climbs back in to bed easily and lies down, but just gets out of bed as soon as mummy or daddy leaves the room.

kiskidee · 02/09/2006 22:21

how are you feeling now about it?

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 02/09/2006 22:28

My DW is beginning to have doubts but is strong enough to see it through. Me, well I'm feeling terrible guilt about the fact that he's been crying solidly for 2 and a half hours now, but I know that there's nothing wrong with him other than that he doesn't have things as he's been used to them.

We REALLY hope that he gives in soon, though. He's been known to bounce on the bed in fits of laughter for 6 hours (I kid you not) until 3am - this was just last week and prompted the current action.

Fully expecting a long, dark night of the soul.

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 02/09/2006 22:34

He's standing at the gate across his doorway shouting "Mummy's bed". This is meant to be "Mummy and Daddy's bed" surely?

Jimjams2 · 02/09/2006 22:43

tonight will be dreadful, tomorrow may well be completely OK. If it isn;t it will almost certainly be better than tonght, and by next Saturday should be completely OK. If it isn't completely OK by next week then I would say bin it, but I have found in the past that once a decision is made and stuck to, then the resolution comes quickly. It finding the energy to deal with it.

mumtogusnalbie · 02/09/2006 22:48

Your poor things - I have two sons who are 4 and 2.5.
My 4 year old had a dummy until he was 5 months old. At 5 months I decided that I needed a full nights sleep rather then getting up every hour to put his dummy back in!! It was desparately hard but within a few nights he was sleeping much better.
My 2.5 year old has always been a really good sleeper and still has a dummy.
Every now and again I decide that I am going to crack down on the sleeping thing because at the moment they go to bed fine at about 7.00pm but will not fall asleep without a video on and then at some stage during the night they both creep in and get into my bed! I know this is not ideal but as a single mother who works 3 days a week - I feel that I need my sleep too much and I know from experience that if I am up all night trying to keep them in their own beds, I am like a bear with a sore head during the next day. As a consequence, my sons wonder where their happy, smiling mummy is!!
I just figure that they won't be getting in my bed when they're 16 and if they do still want to cuddle their mum at that age then I will feel like I have done a really good job!!
Good luck in whatever decision you make - I always think that you need to do whatever is right for you and however hard it is at the time, I'm sure your DD will be completely unaffected in the morning and in the long run, a full nights sleep for everyone has to be good doesn't it?

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 02/09/2006 22:58

Thank you JimJams and mutmoqusnalbie.

DW and I are sitting in the garage in between visits. I think he's getting closer to entertaining the idea of sleeping. Maybe. Just a little bit.

It's great to know that people have gone though it and have probably had the same feelings of guilt as we're having. Not that I'm glad that people have had guilty feelings, but you know what I mean.

makemineadouble · 02/09/2006 23:33

yes I would deffo stick with it i'v know few successes listening to them now for few nights or many! is better then listen to yourself getting irratable with them during day coz your exhausted????

Jimjams2 · 03/09/2006 09:08

how did it go? You'll dread tonight but it might be better- tomorrow should be if tonight isn't.

You are giving me inspiration to tackle the weeing in bed problem (which will involve being up at 3am which is why I haven't faced it yet).

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 03/09/2006 09:16

He didn't wake up again until this morning, so fortunately we didn't have to go through it again in the small hours.

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 03/09/2006 18:02

We have spent the day giving our DS loads of attention - took him to the park for an hour and played on everything with him. This has two advantages: one - it assuages our feelings of guilt, and two - it wears him out ready for tonight.

He finally fell asleep at midnight last night - he stayed in bed on the last visit we made at 11.55 and was sound asleep when went to bed ourselves at just after midnight. He woke this morning as happy as he normally is and seemed only a little more tired than normal. Now it's 6 o'clock and he's pretty exhausted.

We're going to do it again tonight and hopefully it will be a bit easier than last night.

And JimJams - good luck with the 3am stint! Keep us posted,

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 03/09/2006 22:05

Night 2

We bathed Alex and put him to bed at 8.00, starting our CC with 5 minutes, then 10, 15 and 20 minutes. After 2 hours, he fell asleep on the floor by the gate across his door clutching his Winnie The Pooh cuddly toy. [What's the emoticon for 'heart wrenched out of rib-cage'?]

Mummy just picked him up and put him into bed and he fell asleep straight away. Much improvement over last night, although we'll see if the earlier time falling asleep tonight means that he wakes again later in the night.

There were less tears tonight than there were last night. I think it's working. We've come this far, so to back out now will be awful for our DS as he'll just have to go through it all again.

Jimjams2 · 03/09/2006 22:08

It sounds like its going well (and yes I remember the falling asleep by the gate thing- ds1 still does that sometimes when he gets beside himself Glad there were no night wakings. 2 nights probably not too many more to go......

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 03/09/2006 22:11

Thanks JimJams. Writing this blog-of-sorts is helping to deal with it...it's helping even more when you know that someone is listening, so thanks from me and DW.

Jimjams2 · 03/09/2006 22:12

will be checking in for tomorrows update!

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 04/09/2006 20:29

Well, our daily round of controlled cruelty, erm I mean crying, has begun. It's night three and I started back at work today feeling more than a little tired. Fortunately no pupils as it's a training day. Tomorrow I get to ferberize 7 classes of 30 kids each. Isn't it so much easier when it's other people's children?

Anyway, bath, book and bed as normal. Left him at 8.15 and haven't had to go up yet. Apart from a couple of small cries of "Mummy's Bed" (we are having to teach him that it's "Mummy and Daddy's Bed" but it's so ingrained it may take longer than CC) he's not made a noise.

Could it be that he's gone to sleep straight away? Surely not.

TiredMummyAndDaddy · 04/09/2006 22:24

Errr, no such luck actually. He has taken to falling asleep on the floor by the gate across his doorway. He finally went to sleep in bed at 10 o'clock again tonight.

Now we have a different problem to deal with. How do we get him to get into bed himself and cover himself over without actually being there? I can now see the advantages of doing CC whilst the child is still in a cot. At least this would prevent him standing at the door for two hours then collapsing in an exhausted heap on the floor.

Has anyone any ideas how we might begin to get him not to get out of bed when we leave the room? Is this perfectly normal behaviour that will just iron itself out as CC continues?

colditz · 04/09/2006 22:31

Ds1 falls asleep all over his bedroom, he just taskes his duvet with him now. He has done it ever since he was out of his cot. If he was uncomfortable he would wake up and get back into bed, don't worry about it.

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