We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

The carpet will never be the same

It is not until you have a baby of your own that you realise it is really interesting to have an hour long conversation about poo over lunch

There is nothing more life-affirming than being a parent (ok I'm allowed one gushy one at least aren't I? )

My boobs went south and my memory went awol

Just because you know that certain items can't be flushed down the loo doesn't mean that your wee darling does. Whatever they want to flush, will flush!

don't leave a new packet of teacakes unattended for a moment or you'll come back to find tiny teethmarks in every one!

that silver thread on your brand new sofa ....
is it a slug? is it a snail? no, it's super snot!

It's okay not to instantly fall head over heels in love with your newborn. It will happen eventually and some newborns can be ugly little blighters!

If you have booked your child in for a photographic session, they will head butt a door or scratch their faces to shreds the same day!

You'll cry, at least a few times, when and because the baby is crying.

Avoid anyone you've ever slept with till you feel presentable again. Admittedly this may restrict your social circle considerably for some years, but it's far far better than knowing that they're wondering what you look like naked now.

Your darling child will happily tell whoever phones that you are doing a poo, even if you've just gone into the bathroom to put back the toilet roll said angel has just spread all over the house!

No matter how avid a reader you were before pregnancy, from the moment of conception onward the only literature you will be able to take on board will be Baby and Child Care by Doctor Knowitall, and the Mothercare catalogue. This mental state will last enything from five to eighteen years, at least.

'anything'!

kids naturally know the difference between toy mobiles and real mobiles no matter how much interest you show in the toy version!

Do not assume that your little one will eat the lovingly prepared purreed food you have made. r

Do not assume that the lovingly prepared, stock piled frozen supplies of pureed food you have made will pass you you little one lips.........even if they are disguised in his favourite shop bought jar.

You now know why your mother insisted 'bath stuff' was an exciting present, as the chance to have a bath on your own and use it is the highlight of your social life

You will become an obsessive buggy buyer.
You lose your sense of humour for sometime after the birth of your first child.
The weight does not just 'drop off' after given birth.
Having a baby is like having the most unreasonable boss who just screams and shouts at you and won't tell you why. There are no appraisals and pats on the back to tell you your'e doing a good job.
You can't resign from this job although sometimes you really want to.
When you have a c-section they shave you with a bic razor and your pubes go into trauma for about a year afterwards.
The first time your child says "Mummy I love you" almost makes up for the horror the rest of the time!
There is nothing more beautiful than watching your sleeping child.
It is reletntless, exhausting, back breaking, challenging, mind numbing at times - but also the most amazing job I will ever have in my life.

There is nothing more painful than a small set of fingers curled around your bottom lip with tiny nails digging in.

Unless it's a small finger and your nostril.

You have to buy 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner cos there's no time to wash your hair properly.

You've been promising yourself a long luxurious soak without absolutely no interruptions for...ooh lets see....9 weeks.

desperatehousewife your post brought a lump to my throat - you summed it up!!

A poo-filled nappy will always land poo-side down

I once loved spending hours wandering around the shops(clothes shop, shoe shops, all types), just looking at stuff and spending very little.

Now the idea fills me with dread so I spent as little time as possible and spent loads so I don't have to do it again anytime soon.

Children and shops DO NOT MIX!

Strapping a reluctant child into a pushchair is like threading a needle. If you keep trying, it will, eventually, eventually, go in.

You know all the words (and actions) to 2The Wheels on the Bus", but haven't got a clue who's number one....