Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Site stuff

Join our Innovation Panel to try new features early and help make Mumsnet better.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

References to underage sex on Sex board

362 replies

BenCoopersSupportWren · 23/02/2023 23:02

I haven’t been following the Sex topics in Active furore too closely, beyond agreeing on one of the early threads that it would be better for the Board to revert to the way it was - out of Active, with a longer qualifying time to be able to post.

However I’ve just read a thread which, on the face of it, is just reminiscing about posters’ ‘first times’ but which includes numerous disclosures of underage sex, including some that involved grooming, and one or two that are genuinely heartbreaking testimonies of child sexual abuse. They are particularly jarring interspersed as they are between end-of-pier type humour and jokes of others’ experience.

As I just posted there: “there is a reason most ‘mainstream’ dedicated end-user sex sites like Literotica, BDSMLR etc don’t allow stories or posts that are explicit about underage sex even when clearly written by adults, and will remove such posts when brought to the moderators’ attention. I used to work in the CJS and I’m afraid to say that such descriptions - even when expressed in short and simple terms - have currency among paedophiles. Part of my job was keeping the video testimony of CSA victims and any associated transcripts locked away so that they didn’t fall into the wrong hands. Unfortunately it’s not just explicit photos and videos that they get off to.”

For clarity, by “explicit about underage sex” I mean making specific reference to, not that the material has to be particularly sexually explicit. The exact same thread would simply not be allowed to stand on Literotica’s chat forum, for example.

While there have always been examples in other parts of the site of posters making disclosures of having been abused, that is a very different thing to sharing it in a section that only the most naive or wilfully obtuse would deny will be used in part for titillation. My issue isn’t that the thread is particularly sexually explicit - it mostly isn’t, and I’m pretty broad-minded… in context. But no one could argue that “where did you lose your virginity?” is masquerading as a support / how to / informative thread; it’s for entertainment and kicks only, be the latter humour or a sexual thrill. (A few posters on that thread have been supportive to those who disclosed their abuse, but ‘support’ is clearly not the original purpose of the thread.)

IMO it is extremely remiss of MN to disregard the ‘good practice’ rules that other sex sites maintain for handling material relating to references to underage sex/CSA, both because of the type of person attracted to those sites if such rules aren’t in place and from a liability / arse-covering perspective. This, combined with the lack of any age verification or warning for that part of the site, makes it even more obvious that MN don’t understand what is involved in safely and legally hosting a ‘sex chat site’ or part thereof.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 24/02/2023 12:08

SalviaOfficinalis · 24/02/2023 11:35

The sex pests have discovered the “preteens” board now. Have reported.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/preteens/4750018-12-year-old-dd-online-sex-addiction

That one was started by someone who's posted consistently about their daughter since last year though.

Bamboux · 24/02/2023 12:09

FatSealSmugSoup · 24/02/2023 12:07

The minute biwi/etc jump ship I’m right there.

The FWR has been wonderful but obviously garnered the attention of MRAs - and now MN has given them the green light to scatter their seed (🤔) throughout this site I’ve used 15 years for female, moral support as I trundle through life.

I created a thread a few weeks ago after being presented the most appalling image (stuff of nightmares) as per their ad networks. They deleted the thread and said they’d contacted me. 5% off a mark Warner holiday if you can guess correctly whether they did or not.

In some ways I wish I’d screenshotted the image - but there are those more “delicate” than me.

Anything for a buck around here now.

I think I saw the ad you're talking about. It was one of the most horrific images I've ever seen.

Thatcatisdrivingmenuts · 24/02/2023 12:11

That's sad @BIWI . It's a case of careful what you post, evidently.

FatSealSmugSoup · 24/02/2023 12:17

Bamboux · 24/02/2023 12:09

I think I saw the ad you're talking about. It was one of the most horrific images I've ever seen.

I’m sorry you saw that too 😔. I’d heard of such things by way of medical anatomy but this is the last place I’d expect to be confronted with such an image.

Bamboux · 24/02/2023 12:19

SoupDragon · 24/02/2023 12:08

That one was started by someone who's posted consistently about their daughter since last year though.

They've posted a grand total of 18 posts since the end of last year (which was 2 months ago).

Incidentally, my post just got deleted on that thread simply for asking them to clarify that what they wanted was for other users to share stories of their own adolescent children's sexual experiences and porn use. I'll repeat that. My post was deleted. But the thread asking for people to share those stories is still there.

SalviaOfficinalis · 24/02/2023 12:19

SoupDragon · 24/02/2023 12:08

That one was started by someone who's posted consistently about their daughter since last year though.

I did search their username and no other posts came up. I hope I’m mistaken.

The tone didn’t sound like a genuine concerned mum to me though.

Iwasntgettingasandwich · 24/02/2023 12:22

Very well put OP. I assume (and do hope) that the OP was just asking for short, light stories which loads of us will have because first time teenage sex can be funny and awkward and remembering it is fun.

The accounts of rape and child sexual assult stood out amongst all the others which were mostly humorous and they stood out because it is the Sex chat, where everyone is aware that there is explicit stuff and had to be actively sought out. People commenting very personal information about abuse on a thread which pops up in active isn't right (because it is not the place for support and is the place for frank sex talk)and it is mnhq who are allowing this to happen.

SalviaOfficinalis · 24/02/2023 12:23

SalviaOfficinalis · 24/02/2023 12:19

I did search their username and no other posts came up. I hope I’m mistaken.

The tone didn’t sound like a genuine concerned mum to me though.

Okay, apols. I’ve looked again and it does seem that poster has other posts. Maybe they are genuine.

But still naive at best and the thread shouldn’t be allowed to stand in that format.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 24/02/2023 12:23

SoupDragon · 24/02/2023 12:08

That one was started by someone who's posted consistently about their daughter since last year though.

That's part of the problem though, isn't it? Make the site a magnet for sleazes and perves and genuine posters fall under suspicion when they try to post about a sex-related issue, especially one of child/teen development.

It's why the general troll influx across MN is so insidious and unhelpful. God help you if you have a genuine concern about your bowels, incontinence or the like...the poo and bed-wetting trolls have ruined any chance you have of getting taken seriously and receiving advice and support.

OP posts:
Bamboux · 24/02/2023 12:34

BenCoopersSupportWren · 24/02/2023 12:23

That's part of the problem though, isn't it? Make the site a magnet for sleazes and perves and genuine posters fall under suspicion when they try to post about a sex-related issue, especially one of child/teen development.

It's why the general troll influx across MN is so insidious and unhelpful. God help you if you have a genuine concern about your bowels, incontinence or the like...the poo and bed-wetting trolls have ruined any chance you have of getting taken seriously and receiving advice and support.

I don't think 18 posts total, including the thread in question, is much proof of anything.

More importantly, regardless of that individual poster, i am never, ever going to post anything about my children on this site ever again, and frankly I think any woman who does so is very misguided. x1000 if it's the sort of topic which will be of massive interest to any lurking paedos and perverts.

I would never have posted this sort of thing about my kids, but given the state of MN now, I won't post for parenting advice, or offer any, ever again. Which is a real shame, as this site got me through my whole parenting journey so far, from pregnancy to potty training to secondary school transition. And I've offered a lot of advice too, on everything from breastfeeding to travel. Fuck that. I'm not providing free content for a site that prioritises men wanting to wank over women needing a safe space.

Iusedtobedontcall · 24/02/2023 12:40

I have been on MN since 2007 and I’m appalled at the changes. Not only the sec topic but also the ads that are extremely triggering and upsetting and appear all over the site. And nothing is done even when the issue is raised.

Igotjelly · 24/02/2023 12:43

Iusedtobedontcall · 24/02/2023 12:40

I have been on MN since 2007 and I’m appalled at the changes. Not only the sec topic but also the ads that are extremely triggering and upsetting and appear all over the site. And nothing is done even when the issue is raised.

Agree, MNHQ used to be empathetic. The response now is “tough shit”

SproutingAbout · 24/02/2023 12:47

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 24/02/2023 11:47

I'm really sad that men that get off on stories of paedophilia, grooming and underage sex have ended up on mumsnet, but not surprised. This is a parenting site. The only men that are going to specifically choose a parenting site for their sex chat, who are going to specifically seek out women with children to sex chat with, who are going to overlook the thousands of sex chat sites out there to specifically target mums, if having children is their main sex chat search criteria - why are we surprised that some of them might have an unhealthy interest in children, or might be wanting access to children? This seems to have been quite overlooked in the general discussion.

Who wants a wank and searches "parenting"? These are the new men coming to the mumsnet sex boards.

I raised this point a few days ago and was quietly ignored.

I too think it's questionable (to say the least) that a man looking for sexual gratification uses a parenting site to do so. I'm amazed that MN don't realise that.

beastlyslumber · 24/02/2023 13:00

I can't believe what @MNHQ are doing. It seems so stupid and destructive. Could you comment, please, MN, on your rationale for allowing these kinds of threads to stand, and for the lack of safeguards in general around the sex topic?

Igotjelly · 24/02/2023 13:06

I'm very surprised that this hasn't been picked up by the papers yet. Usually the Mail would be all over something like this.

TangledWebOfDeception · 24/02/2023 13:06

I wonder if we need to discuss this outside of the Site Stuff topic. I expect a lot of women aren’t aware of these latest developments (if they’ve somehow managed to miss sex and toys being shoved into our faces every two minutes).

MySugarBabyLove · 24/02/2023 13:37

Still no word from mnHQ? @justineMumsnet care to explain?

Bamboux · 24/02/2023 14:03

Thanks for doing this. I've registered and am waiting for the confirmation email to arrive.

Northernsouloldies · 24/02/2023 14:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SoupDragon · 24/02/2023 14:49

Bamboux · 24/02/2023 12:19

They've posted a grand total of 18 posts since the end of last year (which was 2 months ago).

Incidentally, my post just got deleted on that thread simply for asking them to clarify that what they wanted was for other users to share stories of their own adolescent children's sexual experiences and porn use. I'll repeat that. My post was deleted. But the thread asking for people to share those stories is still there.

No, they had been posting since May last year.

Christmaspyjamas · 24/02/2023 14:49

@MNHQ are hoping to get a lot of major media coverage out of the ongoing debate over the Sex page.

The furore and disagreement is essential to their purposes.

That's why they won't take action and won't explain...they need to enflame users and then go on Lorraine and Loose Women to discuss 'objectively' the split in their base. It's just an extension of their PR strategy for the last 2 years.

It's not about advertisers.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/02/2023 14:59

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

And?

There have always been men on here. A few lovely ones who don't feel the need to tell us constantly, don't post walls of text, don't have to announce their special relationship with information, and don't think we're all thick. DH lurks about asking 'what MN thinks about X' because he knows the answer will be funny, intelligent and have perspectives his male sites don't.

But discussion changes when men show up in droves. They just believe they know best, are uniquely placed to explain, ad nauseum, with walls of text. We know already , they are everywhere else 'explaining'. Here we get to talk without them. Without them thinking we don't agree because they just haven't explained it simply and oddly enough.

And being a man you must be aware how much male sexuality is promoted, encouraged and feted, and how damaging it is. I've posted places everywhere from boards about travelling to feminism and received pervy DMs. Say you're a woman on a gaming site and prepare for violence and sexual content.

This was a little oasis. When @BIWI et al bugger off (and PM me where they're going, please) I may too. I've posted thousands of times, and am a premium member. I can't be the only one.

Northernsouloldies · 24/02/2023 15:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/02/2023 14:59

And?

There have always been men on here. A few lovely ones who don't feel the need to tell us constantly, don't post walls of text, don't have to announce their special relationship with information, and don't think we're all thick. DH lurks about asking 'what MN thinks about X' because he knows the answer will be funny, intelligent and have perspectives his male sites don't.

But discussion changes when men show up in droves. They just believe they know best, are uniquely placed to explain, ad nauseum, with walls of text. We know already , they are everywhere else 'explaining'. Here we get to talk without them. Without them thinking we don't agree because they just haven't explained it simply and oddly enough.

And being a man you must be aware how much male sexuality is promoted, encouraged and feted, and how damaging it is. I've posted places everywhere from boards about travelling to feminism and received pervy DMs. Say you're a woman on a gaming site and prepare for violence and sexual content.

This was a little oasis. When @BIWI et al bugger off (and PM me where they're going, please) I may too. I've posted thousands of times, and am a premium member. I can't be the only one.

Sorry I spoke.

TangledWebOfDeception · 24/02/2023 15:18

You could have read the room couldn’t you...

(except no, you probably couldn’t, and herein lies the issue)

’Hmmm here’s a thread on a site built for women, where women are quite reasonably angry because said site is being turned into some sex and sex toy hub/weirdo creep magnet, and I think the best thing for me to do, as a man, is wade in and talk about me and what I want and why I’m here.’

Instead of sarcastically apologising for speaking out of turn, you could have just not spoken out of turn!

feellikeanalien · 24/02/2023 15:19

@BenCoopersSupportWren

Thank you for this. I've been thinking the same. Being bombarded with ads for sex toys and tips on how to have better sex when you've just given birth in the list of Active topics is not the reason I joined Mumsnet. I haven't looked at the Sex board recently but it sounds really grim.

I'd be sad to go particularly because of FWR but also my guilty pleasure of the Royal Family topic. I do wonder if Mumsnet is being targeted because it allows debate, particularly on FWR, which is not allowed on many other forums.

That wouldn't explain the response of MNHQ though. Sadly I fear that other pps who have said that it may be under different ownership may be correct.

When I first joined Mumsnet I really found the advice helpful and my eyes were opened to many issues. I also enjoyed the humour on a lot of the threads. Sadly that seems to have gone and it is becoming more and more difficult to engage in lively debate rather than mud slinging if someone doesn't agree with your views.

I think the fact that MNHQ have not commented on this thread speaks volumes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread