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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Safeguarding on the sex chat thread on the sex board

325 replies

AutumnLeavesFallingIntoPlace · 23/02/2023 07:38

There have been a number of threads about changes to the Sex Board and the standard @MNHQ response is that they're taking feedback on board and ask us to hide the topic, which doesn't answer people's questions. I'd really appreciate some answers specifically about the sex chat thread on the sex board.

The user registration requirement to post on Sex has changed from 3 months to 7 days. It was in place to discourage trolls and predators on the Sex board so it would be helpful to know why that's no longer a concern and 7 days is deemed sufficient.

The sex chat thread exists for users to connect via PM for explicit chat and the thread advises posters they can then move that conversation to platforms like Kik and Telegram. At the moment, MN's advice is to report dodgy PMs; once users move off site this of course no longer applies.

Defence of the sex chat thread seems to be 'it's fine between consenting adults'. MNHQ, please could you tell us what measures you take to ensure participants there are adults? Currently, there is no safety warning and no age verification. How do you intend to keep any underage users from accessing this thread? How can anyone on there know that posters are over 18? You have removed the previously existing safeguards; why is this and will you put any more in place?

There is a risk users might feel safer and more inclined to trust a sex chat hosted by a site like MN; it does feel odd that you haven't made any attempt to counter this by pinning a post reminding users that MN can't vouch for anyone on there, particularly now the three month registration period is gone. Do you intend to do this?

Finally, the thread contains a number of married men who 'aren't getting any at home' and are seeking 'any available female' (direct quotes). Can you confirm this is in the spirit of MN and that you're happy to let it stand?

Thanks, and please don't advise us to hide the sex board again, or even just the sex chat thread, we get that's the MN party line but would really like an answer to the actual questions.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 23/02/2023 14:35

Funberry · 23/02/2023 14:27

Understood. But again, why take it out on the posters themselves?

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in what way?

Rhondaa · 23/02/2023 14:35

AutumnLeavesFallingIntoPlace · 23/02/2023 14:02

I was going to name change for this because I don't want it linked to my other posts, though it isn't me who should feel ashamed. I know posting this will only invite minimising and gaslighting about what I should have felt or done, but here goes.

I was alone in the steam room at the gym one lunchtime. Three men walked in and sat in front of the door. They started a loud conversation about how one of them had made a girl squirt all over his bed at the weekend. They were laughing, swearing, loud, completely aware of my presence but they didn't care. The conversation was obscene, explicit, detailed and degrading. I was frozen, knowing I had to walk right past them in swimwear to get out.

Fine, people can say they had a right to talk about sex, the steam room is just for adults, why couldn't I just ignore it, what's my problem, they didn't mean me any harm, what was I so scared of, why should they curtail their behaviour because of my issues? So I got out of there as quick as I could and now I don't go on my own. It's another place I've learned isn't for me.

I didn't expect Mumsnet, a place I joined years and years ago as an anxious people-pleasing new mum and learned so much about boundaries from, to become that steam room, that gym, that unlit car park, that shortcut you know to avoid. I didn't think it would become somewhere that women aren't allowed to have boundaries.

Anyway, rather than name changing I decided to make this my last post. Deregistering should make my wfh days a lot more productive anyway!

That is awful. I'd have reported them to the staff at the desk, it was at best massively inappropriate and at worst purposefully done to intimidate. You did complain to someone?

It isn't comparable though. I presume if it had a sign on the door saying 'sex chat' you wouldn't have entered? The sex boards are clearly identified so people shouldn't find them unwittingly in the middle of a discussion that disturbs them.

Funberry · 23/02/2023 14:41

Sparklingbrook · 23/02/2023 14:35

in what way?

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There have been a number of posters who have taken issue with the Sex thread, and have come on to the boards and insulted posters. That isn't necessary.

Rieslinger · 23/02/2023 14:43

@Funberry great posts

MovingonfromMartin · 23/02/2023 14:46

Well said @Rieslinger and @Funberry

Sparklingbrook · 23/02/2023 14:48

Funberry · 23/02/2023 14:41

There have been a number of posters who have taken issue with the Sex thread, and have come on to the boards and insulted posters. That isn't necessary.

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Bit weird to go over and start posting on a board you have no interest in, but hopefully all reported and deleted.

Funberry · 23/02/2023 14:50

Sparklingbrook · 23/02/2023 14:48

Bit weird to go over and start posting on a board you have no interest in, but hopefully all reported and deleted.

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Exactly my point.

Don't like something, ignore. Thats what I do.

PinotPony · 23/02/2023 14:51

How disappointing that MNHQ has failed to properly answer the questions put to them. I would have thought they'd seen more than enough of the discussions and opinions to formulate a appropriate response.

scaredysquiggle · 23/02/2023 14:53

LilyMumsnet · 23/02/2023 12:35

Hi all,

Thanks for raising this. Mumsnet is a site for adults - we don't check users' ages but if we believe a poster is underage we'll usually suspend their account.

Posters generally use their own judgement when it comes to what they share with others, either on the boards or by PM. We always advise people to be circumspect with what they share but ultimately it is up to the individual and it always has been. We have both a report and block function on private messages, so if you ever have concerns, you can report or block a user right away.

With regards to the content of these discussions and what is and isn't 'in the spirit', Mumsnet's guiding mission is to make Parents' lives easier - the fact that we allow anonymity means that members can talk about and get input and advice on things they perhaps are unable to in real life. But we recognise that people have very different comfort levels when it comes to discussions about Sex. Please do make use of the 'hide topics' in Active facility (go to MyMumsnet, Settings, Talk Settings, Hide topics) if you don't wish to see these discussions.

As ever, we're more than happy to check things out if you have concerns about any posts or posters - please do use the report function.

We are more than happy to add an advice message to the top of the sex board - we'll action that asap. Thanks again for the input.

Weak and pathetic reply

Funberry · 23/02/2023 14:54

PinotPony · 23/02/2023 14:51

How disappointing that MNHQ has failed to properly answer the questions put to them. I would have thought they'd seen more than enough of the discussions and opinions to formulate a appropriate response.

Just put it back to how it was.

If people want the sex board, they'll find it.

Easy.

Rieslinger · 23/02/2023 14:54

@PinotPony Fingers in ears and going LaLaLa maybe? 😆

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 23/02/2023 15:07

MNHQ
We are used to a range of opinions on most things here but I've not seen defence of your recent changes to the sex topic.

People who actually use it seem to prefer the privacy, and people who don't want sex with their cornflakes are also complaining.

What are your very good reasons for this unpopular move?

Bamboux · 23/02/2023 15:16

Funberry · 23/02/2023 14:05

There are a number of issues here. Firstly, not all people on MN are parents, not all are in relationships. In this instance, I don't see a problem with this at all. It can be a place where single parents connect also.

For those members who are married, there can be any number of challenges that are faced in a marital situation and a blanket judgement on it isn't possible. This isn't Ashley Madison or Illicit Encounters.

The Sex board can give very helpful advice for people who have no other place to have honest feedback on a number of sex related issues that thier marriage is facing. Until now, it has existed with relatively little judgement, insult or ridicule.

Equally, I understand that the Sex Chat thread can come across as 'unsavory' if you make assumptions about it. However, if you actually look at it, not everyone on there is looking to hook up and have an affair behind their partners back. Sure many partenrs don't know, and that is an issue for the posters themselves to address. However, some people like to talk about sex with other people, without any agenda for it to become reality.

Everyone has different views on sex and sexuality, and it is clear that a number of members of MN don't want to discuss or read about sex issues, for whatever reason. That is also fine. However,, for those members who would like to be more open in their discussions about sex, and connect with others who also want to, the villification and judgement coming from people isn't helpful, welcome, or necessary.

It is true that any part of the internet that tackles issues of sex can be infiltrated by people (often Men, granted) that have less genuine agenda's, but thats the internet for you, and you can't stop it.

We in the UK still live in a very prudish culture, where sex is often not easily talked about. Perhaps if this changed, and was more like The Netherlands, we would have lower rates of teenage pregnancy etc..

Equally, it is better for people to have forums such as this to ask about sex related questions, than trying to educate from watching Porn.

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That was a very long post that didn't answer the one question I asked. That's fine if you don't want to answer it. I can see that it's tricky, as the answer is so obvious

martinisforeveryone · 23/02/2023 15:17

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 23/02/2023 09:33

Couldn't agree more.

We get deletion messages that give the reason "not in the spirit of the site".

I would like Mumsnet to define what the spirit of the site is right now, and explain how the current state of the sex board fits in with that.

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Oh yes the age old 'not in the spirit'

It's years since I used to follow the Dating thread on the Relationships board, but I still remember one of their rules was 'no dating the thread' and that was for everyone's protection.

I know times change but I'd never have associated the 'spirit' of Mumsnet to be a hook up platform for any and all comers.

The question isn't whether you simply hide a thread or even a whole board, it's whether you as a user want to be associated with a site that hosts the same kind of thing as dedicated sites for no strings hook ups and flags up obvious sex topics in the trending and active topics. It's also putting the onus on your subscribers to opt out, rather than the onus on those who want the topic to actively opt in.

I wonder what percentage of regular users of the sex board are also posting in other areas of the site.

Bamboux · 23/02/2023 15:18

@AutumnLeavesFallingIntoPlace

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

What an extremely articulate post, and you've explained exactly why it's so shit for MN to host these kind of threads.

I'm sorry that they have decided they'd rather be a haven for men to talk about sex and find affair partners than to support women or give us one little space where we can speak to each other.

Funberry · 23/02/2023 15:57

Bamboux · 23/02/2023 15:16

That was a very long post that didn't answer the one question I asked. That's fine if you don't want to answer it. I can see that it's tricky, as the answer is so obvious

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At no point in my response was I anything other than respectful and polite to you. I took the time to try and make an alternative point in response to yours by way of constructive conversation. Therefore, it is interesting that your default setting for your response is condescending, which frankly, makes you look a little silly.

It would suggest, were someone to base things on assumptions, that you feel you are so much smarter than anyone who posts on the sex boards. Perhaps you are, and hooray for you.

Perhaps if the condescending tone is how you prefer to operate, we could attempt to carry on in this way, and maybe I could try to make my point in a way that someone clearly as superior to me, can understand.

Lets start by tackling your 'one question', which it appears, on reflection, utilised two question marks, which could suggest you are confused as to how many you were asking, or simply misused your punctuation.

If you had read my post correctly, you'd see that I did in fact offer a response to your question(s), in two (not one) distinct ways.

Firstly, I suggested that your assumption that it was "encouring hook ups behind their partners backs" was addressed with the opening four paragraphs, where I offered alternative scenarios and view points to challenge that assumption.

Secondly, when you asked in your 'one' question how this could make parents lives easier, I again offered an alternative view and response. These were covered in paragraphs 2,3 and 5. To summerise, the point was that marriages have struggles, some of them sexual. It can be useful for parents in these situations to be able to discuss them openly, without judgement.

So, as I think you can see, I did answer your 'one' question, but as that didn't suit your desire to be condescending and pithy, it didn't work for your agenda.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/02/2023 16:18

Mumsnet's guiding mission is to make Parents' lives easier

Yes, so put the sex topic back to being hidden by default please. That would make many parents lives that little bit easier. By all means let users opt into having it in active if they want.

Funberry · 23/02/2023 16:19

ErrolTheDragon · 23/02/2023 16:18

Mumsnet's guiding mission is to make Parents' lives easier

Yes, so put the sex topic back to being hidden by default please. That would make many parents lives that little bit easier. By all means let users opt into having it in active if they want.

I agree entirely.

clpsmum · 23/02/2023 16:20

And trans people often have a need for a private toilet. The uproar of a trans woman using the same toilet as a child unfortunately would be huge sadly

LangClegsInSpace · 23/02/2023 16:20

I think the hookup thread should go altogether.

AceofPentacles · 23/02/2023 16:43

The MNHQ response has just made me even angrier. I've never seen a reference to it being "for adults" I mean, by default there would be more option for children to read thread titles as the website is for parents 🙄

Mindthegapagain778 · 23/02/2023 17:23

I don't mind the sex topic per se appearing in Active, but I think the name of the topic needs to change. As other posters have suggested, I think it's better to have a topic called women's sexual health and wellbeing.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/02/2023 17:28

parlourb · 23/02/2023 14:09

Very good point. @LilyMumsnet no answer to the changing the registration time from three months ?

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I'm not @LilyMumsnet , but I seem to remember that the length of time a user had to be registered before posting on the sex board was reduced a while ago, certainly before Christmas, maybe even before then. It's not a recent thing.

parlourb · 23/02/2023 17:50

Yes sorry @BatshitCrazyWoman i was agreeing with you and also addressing @LilyMumsnet in the same post

Funberry · 23/02/2023 18:45

Mindthegapagain778 · 23/02/2023 17:23

I don't mind the sex topic per se appearing in Active, but I think the name of the topic needs to change. As other posters have suggested, I think it's better to have a topic called women's sexual health and wellbeing.

It isn't just for women though, is it? It's for parents