MNHQ here: have you got strong feelings and personal experience about partners staying overnight on postnatal wards?

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello

A broadsheet journalist is looking to write a piece exploring the pros and cons of partners staying overnight on postnatal wards, and we're trying to help her out with finding some case studies of women who have personal experiences and opinions one way or the other.

If this sounds like you, please email us on [email protected] to let us know:

a) what your opinion is about partners staying overnight on wards; and
b) what your personal experience is.

Ideally, anyone featured in the piece would be comfortable with divulging some identifying details, and possibly with being photographed.

It's for a good, reputable journalist working for a broadsheet newspaper - she's keen to explore all the angles.

(If you've already contacted us about this, thanks very much - we just need to find a few more candidates and then we'll let you know how the land lies!)

Thanks
MNHQ

Private room with private bathroom, no problem.

Apart from that, no.

If the hospital can't provide adequate care, that needs addressing - not fobbing off onto family members at the detriment of others on the ward.

At the very, very least - and on a practical level - twice the amount of toilet facilities will be necessary to be able to allow it.

Not just toilets, showers too. And the showers are mingling as they are (my MW advised me to take flip-flops and bathroom cleaner wHen I had DC1). I had homebirths for 2/3 and 4 mainly to not have to endure post-labour ward.

Sure this was brought up a few years back in here with birth choices?
Due any day now and will have to stay in 2 days.
I have a real fear of hospitals after a traumatic time in one last year.

The idea of strange men around when trying to sleep just behind a curtain, or when I am bleeding, tired and getting my boobs out all the time fills me with dread!

I would absolutely love DH there all night but it wouldn't be fair on the other women.

I also agree with regards to safeguarding issues.

Just no.

No I think partners should go home and look after their children or sleep to help with the new mother when she comes home. Women are not infants.

This smacks of equality to me and it will simply mean that there will be less HCPs on the ward. It seems like a money saving to me.

If your baby was put into SCBU you, as parents, would not be allowed to stay there.

What is a partner going to do? Monitor your blood pressure? Take bloods? Manage your catheter output? Help with breast feeding support?

I also believe that if a partner doesn't want to be at the birth, they shouldn't be forced to attend.

I was in a private room after a traumatic birth, I definitely did not want to be alone without my husband, but he was asked to leave. I haven't had a night without him since we have been married, it was awful.

I delivered at night for my first two and there was no problem with my partner being there with them, especially as I went to shower after the births and he was left holding the baby whilst the midwife got on with the notes. With my third, I was in a private room and again, my partner went home - I may have taken too long in the bath beautifully made up for me by the midwife. My partner left because he wanted to be with the other children and talk to his parents who were looking after them. They all came to visit the next day and stayed for an hour.

If the journalist hasn't already thought of this angle they should perhaps look at the issues where one or both parents are under 16. Should young teenage parents not have the same opportunities for bonding as a family (this improving the chances of them parenting together long term) in those early days as any other parent? There are legal and ethical issues wrapped up in it too even though the horse has already bolted so to speak (I know from professional experience). Also, maternity wards are an excellent opportunity for women and girls who are being abused or exploited to use opportunities to disclose, seek help and support while they are in a place of safety away from the constant control and scrutiny of their abuser/partner. A controlling partner is going to appear to be the doting dad, never leaving the bedside and silencing the woman by their very proximity. It's much more complex than I can summarise in a post like this but they should really look at all the safeguarding and domestic abuse consequences of this policy not just the 'urgh men - no thanks' or 'I needed his help and support' angles

In an ideal world we would all have private rooms because many of us do need the help. But on wards no. Mums need maximum peace and space to recover. I was a right state after my section and didn't want to be bumping into men at night with my open nighty, bleeding, boobs flapping everywhere, dragging a wound drain behind me. The all day visiting hours were bad enough.. why can't people wait until they are settled at home before seeing people!? I was surrounded by huge families and drunks... there was just no peace at all to recover.

In a service where HCPs are already being cut to the bone, this will put the lives of women and babies who don't have partners who are able to stay over at enormous risk. Someone will die as a result of this.

I had a terrible birth and was very poorly afterwards. I spent my first night on the observation ward where there were no overnight visitors allowed no exceptions. Was unable to get out of bed and had to rely on the midwives to help me I couldn't even pick up my baby. When I was moved to the ward the next day they initially put on on a ward but after hearing my baby screaming for about three hours straight (she had awful forceps brushing, a full on black eye and was having trouble feeding due to it hurting her to open her mouth) they moved me to a room and let me OH stay. He stayed with me and baby for four days and nights. I couldn't have managed without him. I can understand why women don't want other peoples partners there especially on a ward but sometimes it's just necessary. It would be different I think if the midwives were less busy and able to spend more time helping mums who need it but the sad truth is they are so overstretched they can't spend time time that they should be able to with everyone. After my experience I would have no problem with partners being there even on a ward if mum needed them to be there. They should be considerate though, and not disturb others as much as possible but the same could be said of the mothers!

In a six bed bay, the boyfriend of the very young brand new mum opposite drew the curtains and they then snogged loud and long for most of visiting. Heaven forbid what it would have been like if he had been in overnight as well. Most disturbing. The visiting rules support women to recover in peace.

Partners should not be a replacement for proper post natal care, full stop

Agree that partners shouldn't be a substitute for proper professional care. Having them there might improve things for some but it would make the situation even worse for others who aren't in a position to have a partner stay - you don't have a partner there when partners are expected to provide support, you don't have someone to go to the already-stretched staff and advocate for you so you're more likely to miss out, and you get to share a ward overnight with a bunch of blokes you don't know. Not fair.

As I wrote on your recent thread about postnatal care in general, for some women like me who have been victims of abuse it is absolutely essential to have their partner there in order for them to feel safe. I would have been terrified and traumatised if my husband had been forced to leave me. I think it would be barbaric to consider enforcing that on women who do not want it. It's also very cruel to the fathers to deprive them of the first few hours of their child's life.

The staffing of the wards is also so far below an acceptable level that women who have had C sections get no help reaching and lifting their baby to change, feed or comfort it. Buzzers are not answered for hours at a time. Therefore having someone there to help is absolutely essential, not a 'nice to have'. But even if the staffing issues were resolved, many vulnerable women still need their partners there for emotional support.

Ideally each family should have a private room like they do in most civilised countries, then everybody can choose to have their partner stay, or not. Until then perhaps providing two wards is the best solution, one with partners and one without.

If hospitals are going to start providing 1:1 care for each patient then it's fine to kick partners out overnight. But realistically they aren't going to do that, so women who have had difficult deliveries or with other medical problems are going to need somebody to stay with them to help look after the baby. Men have paternity leave precisely because women need extra help in the first few weeks. It seems a pretty silly set-up if you have less help in hospital after major surgery than you would have at home.

The PP who rolled her eyes at women being "unable to cope without their partners for a few days" - I'd like to see her change a nappy unaided while paralysed from the chest down.

I guess the other option would be to bring back 1970s-style post-natal nurseries that the babies are kept in and just brought back to the mothers for ten minutes every four hours for feeding, but I can't see that being hugely popular either.

St Thomas' has receptionists policing visitor numbers via a lanyard system (each bed has two lanyards, once they've been handed out no more visitors are allowed in to that bed until the first visitors leave and return the lanyards). Half of the ward is for people with partners staying overnight, half is for people without. Partners cannot use patient showers or toilets (they use the visitor toilets down the hallway), and sleep in a reclining chair by the bedside. It seems to work.

If your baby is in SCBU, you get a side room so you aren't stuck staring at everyone else's healthy babies. And yes, if your baby is in SCBU the parents can stay with them 24/7. I've never known any neonatal unit where this wasn't the case.

"for some women like me who have been victims of abuse it is absolutely essential to have their partner there in order for them to feel safe"

I understand why you feel this way, but how does it then work when someone else says "for some women like me who have been victims of abuse it is absolutely essential not to have partners there in order to feel safe"?

Happened with my third and it was awful. New parents across the way trying to work out what to do (feed him!!!) rather than calling for help. Constant chat through the night. It could only work with private rooms.

Some real misandry on this thread.

I'm torn really. The nights I spent on a ward after having my two dc were quite literally the worst of my life. I couldn't sleep, I was beyond exhausted, I felt like I'd been hit by a bus (even though I had relatively straight forward deliveries with just stitches to worry about), I felt alone, distraught, vulnerable etc etc and if my dh was there I could at least have some support, discuss why they are crying, figure out what the hell is going on (even though I was experienced second time around, I got a different baby! 😄)
Having said that it's bad enough sharing your personal space at a very vulnerable time with 3 other people you don't know, lying there in your pants (with massive pad) because it's so bloody hot, with leaky boobs etc without having someone's dp there to make you feel even more uncomfortable.
So on the whole I'm tempted with a home birth with my third just so I can avoid the whole experience altogether!

I am currently 24+2 and I really want my DH to be able to stay with me after the birth of our first child. I can't imagine being left alone after such an emotionally experience, and want to share as much of those early hours/days with my DH as possible; not have him sent home after only a few hours!!
I am amazed by some of the replies on this thread; so many people are talking about the safety issue and not wanting men looking at them...if my DH is allowed to stay, his priority will be me and his newborn child, not leering at other women who have just given birth!
If my DH isn't allowed to stay overnight, I really worry about the impact this will have on me, I have read so much about useless midwives who don't help or are no where to be found! It worries me the idea of being left alone and needing something/my baby needing something, and having no help or support....surely that is what is most important!?

"I understand why you feel this way, but how does it then work when someone else says "for some women like me who have been victims of abuse it is absolutely essential not to have partners there in order to feel safe"

By having either a private room for each family, as is the case in most civilised countries, or by having one ward with partners and one without so that everyone's needs can be met. As I said in my original post.

"Some real misandry on this thread."

No there isn't. There's just the desire of women not to have men they don't know 3 ft away from them when they have just had a baby.

The issue of proper post natal care is an important and serious one. It is very wrong to conflate these two issues.

if my DH is allowed to stay, his priority will be me and his newborn child, not leering at other women who have just given birth!

Yes, but:
a) not every man is as nice as your DH;
b) the other women on the ward don't know your DH. To them, he's still a total stranger sharing a room with them all night.

I was admitted overnight on surgical wards several times in the months after my baby was born (for non-birth-related issues). All of them were single-sex wards; none of them allowed visitors to stay overnight. This is done for patient privacy and dignity, and in the knowledge that patients need to rest and recover. Why should patients on the postnatal ward not be entitled to that too?

"if my DH is allowed to stay, his priority will be me and his newborn child, not leering at other women who have just given birth!"

Oh, ffs. Nobody has said anything about leering. That's just stupid.

If saying that the needs of physically and emotionally exhausted women come before the needs of men is misandry then yeah, there's loads on this thread

(It's not, by the way, it's about prioritization and if there's one time in a woman's life she deserves to come before her partner, it's when she has just given birth)