MNHQ here: have you got strong feelings and personal experience about partners staying overnight on postnatal wards?

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello

A broadsheet journalist is looking to write a piece exploring the pros and cons of partners staying overnight on postnatal wards, and we're trying to help her out with finding some case studies of women who have personal experiences and opinions one way or the other.

If this sounds like you, please email us on [email protected] to let us know:

a) what your opinion is about partners staying overnight on wards; and
b) what your personal experience is.

Ideally, anyone featured in the piece would be comfortable with divulging some identifying details, and possibly with being photographed.

It's for a good, reputable journalist working for a broadsheet newspaper - she's keen to explore all the angles.

(If you've already contacted us about this, thanks very much - we just need to find a few more candidates and then we'll let you know how the land lies!)

Thanks
MNHQ

For those saying they could not have done it without their partners help - I absolutely get that. BUT the thing is that help should be provided by healthcare professionals. More nurses/midwives/nursery nurses - it is after all a hospital not a hotel.

I chose to give birth in a midwife led unit (forgoing an epidural) so that my partner could stay in our single room. I don't regret it for a second. I can't imagine being left so tired, emotional and in pain without a bit of backup!

In two minds, DH didn't stay in fact was asked to leave but someone else had her baby during the night and her DH was allowed to stay. She apologised profusely about him being there, I didn't really care but could have done with someone to fetch me water and help me to the toilet. I really wasn't in a good way afterwards.

My DH was kicked out to leave me on my own with my newborn less than 3 hours after I had had a general anaesthetic. I cannot begin to imagine how this is considered appropriate. I was in a labour room, so on my own not a shared ward, and yet he was still sent away. How can it be that you aren't allowed to go home alone after a GA, but I was left alone to care for a newborn?

It might have made all the difference to my subsequent lack of mental well being if I had had the support of my partner over night those first few days.

'Why on earth wouldn't they be able to stay - they're the baby's parent too? Plus I needed help looking after baby - I'd have been terrified on my own'

The current partner is not always the baby's father. When I gave birth to DC3, the midwives kept referring to all the males as 'your man', when I asked why, it was explained to me that it's not uncommon for the mum's partner to not be the father of the baby.

At any rate, they are not patients, and as such, the ward is not designed to accommodate them and mums and babies, too. Hence, not enough space, no separate showers or enough toilet facilities. It's not a hotel, but plenty believe that if they are in there, they should be equally accommodated as the patient is.

This comes up on every one of these threads and the problem is lack of staff, a problem that should not be solved by assuming every single woman has another human being around 24/7 to do the work of staff.

I think its totally inappropriate for men to stay in shared rooms - they are not patients. It also puts pressure on them to stay, whereas actually there may be other children. Where do you draw the line? It would have been convenient for my toddler to stay too but this is obviously not going to happen

I gave birth to my second child 9 weeks ago. The visiting rules had changed at the (same) hospital since I had had my first child.
This time there was open visiting between 2pm and 8pm. It was supposed to be 2 visitors per bed and only your own children visitors (not your pals' kids). At one bed in my ward of 4 beds there were 10 visitors. Sat all day. At the other, 7. It was horrendous. I felt anxious and vulnerable. On top of the physical aspects of a section. Did anyone manage this situation? No of course not. Because the midwives and nurses had jobs to do that didn't involve being bouncers.
And my point is just this- allowing partners on the ward sounds ok in theory. But who polices this? Who checks that others in the ward are comfortable making their way to the single toilet with leaking plastic pants on? That the others are comfortable trying to establish breastfeeding or discussing bleeding or other issues with the laughable privacy of a curtain? With the best will in the world, on a ward- there is no time or resource for this. So partners should not be allowed. The very thought of a man in close proximity to be in these circumstances makes me extremely anxious.

I'm for it. I had severe carpel tunnel in both wrists, was in splints and couldn't pick my baby up, let alone care for her. Hardly any help was available and I was completly alone. Having dh would have been invaluable.

There is a separate precident here though, which hasn't been brought up yet Dd has had a couple of very short hospital stays. In this situation a parent can stay, and it can be the mum or the dad. There seems to be no problem allowing dads to stay on shared children's ward's so I why they shouldn't stay on an adults ward where a problem can be communicated.

Katy

Tricky one. I completely understand the concerns over privacy and emotional wellbeing of everyone. However in my experience (four hospital births) a night alone on a maternity ward when you are bruised and battered physically and emotionally after giving birth is just torture. There were never enough staff on the ward to meet everyone's needs, so help from midwives was often hurried and took a long time to arrive.
Agree that allowing partners to stay is probably not the right move but something should be done to better support new mums. For me personally the best thing would have been a quicker discharge, so I could have my own bed and all the help I needed from DH!

Also just as a talking point in contradiction to the stories of dodgy men on wards: When my eldest was born I was 19 and ex P was useless. On the second day after she was born he didn't bother getting to the hospital until 5pm. Birth was a nasty foreceps affair, and DD was quite badly jaundiced. I was on my own all day and was exhausted, helpless and so lonely that I cried on and off all day. One of the new dads on the ward came over and asked if I was ok, and then spent a good 15 minutes chatting to me and reassuring me. It was the best support I got from anyone that day, and I was so grateful to him (and to his partner who gave him up for quarter of an hour to help me!)

I'm all for Dads to stay on the ward with a two strikes and you can no longer stay policy.

All the men who stayed on the ward when I was in for a week after having DD were very discreet and helped their partners hugely.

As there seems to be quite a few people against it, maybe they should have half the wards where partners can stay and half can't?

Men don't need washing facilities on site as they can leave at any point and go home to wash/eat.

I'd would have hated been stuck in a private room. It would have been so isolating not to really have seen anyone for nearly a week.

After a horrendous four day induction I dreaded my partner leaving me in pain every night to deal with it myself. I was terrified of what was being done to me and what was happening. It was so unnatural and I was so scared. I couldn't have given a toss if there was a million other men there, I just wanted my partner.
After my little boy was born, on Christmas day, I was completely and utterly exhausted after 5 nights of no sleep on a ward of equally scared and in pain women. I would have given so much to have ANYONE stay with me. My partner, sister, mother. I wouldn't have cared. And I wouldn't have cared if other women had that support either. No one should be that scared alone. And I work in an NHS hospital.

I would have given anything for my (female, if it makes any difference) partner to be able to stay with me. I was kept on delivery for more than 24 hours after the birth because I was still being nursed as a critical patient (eclampsia) and she was allowed to stay then, but when I was loved to the ward the following evening g and she had to leave it felt like a part of me was being ripped away. It felt so completely unnatural, and I think that that was one of the triggers of my subsequent PND. I think it needs to be an option for partners to stay.

'Men don't need washing facilities on site as they can leave at any point and go home to wash/eat.'

Yeah, they all live near the hospital, have easy transport access to it, no other duties to take care of. Talk to any midwife or maternity HCP and they can literally spin your head with what they've seen in the units they work in.

I needed DH there. I absolutely had to have him with me after both c-sections.

FWIW, I think the Mummy as Primary Parent, Daddy Not So Good issues start in hospital. In the run up to the first birth most couples are emotionally 'in it together'. After the birth, if the father starts getting walled off by healthcare professionals from his own child, is it any wonder he might view parenthood as requiring less from him. Cue a million feminist threads...

Absolutely not on a shared ward, it's completely unacceptable and I would rather discharge myself in an unfit state than stay overnight in the same space as up to 16 male strangers whilst in a vulnerable and incapacitated state. I find it incredible that this situation is actually allowed to happen in some hospitals.

In en-suite private rooms, no problem.

Thankfully the hospital where I had DS2 reversed their decision to allow partners to stay on the large postnatal ward. This was due to the feedback from women during the trial period which was overwhelmingly negative. The most frequent comment was that it made women feel more vulnerable and exposed, and was a significant issue for many women. The decision was reversed half way through my pregnancy and I was so relieved as I'd been psyching myself up to discharge myself if necessary.

@AddToBasket, isn't it just simply that the second parent (usually male and the father) isn't a patient? Hospital wards are for patients, in this case mothers and babies. The needs and wants of visitors should come second to patient care. Any man who is put off parenting by going home for a couple of nights after the birth is very easily put off imo.

I'm in favour of it. I had a section with messed up anasthesia and needed oxygen etc I was barely functioning, catheterised and had no underwear on, just had a pad shoved between my legs. At one point my DH had gone to get food and DC was crying, midwife snapped at me that he needed changing and when I said I couldn't get up, she was really aggressive.
In an ideal world all women would have enough staff to suppprt them. As that's not going to happen they should be allowed their partners to stay. Agree that if partners are loud or otherwise obtrusive though they should be chucked out.

I'm going to go against the majority and say I think they should be allowed to stay. I gave birth at 8pm and my husband was asked by staff to leave at midnight and was informed he couldn't return until midday. From when he left until when he returned the only person I saw was the lady who brought breakfast round. The staff were so busy with complicated cases that I was left alone for 12 hours. I had no idea what I was doing, I was exhausted, and anemic from blood loss. I needed my husband there because the staffing on the ward was inadequate. I had trouble bonding with my baby and ended up with PND, and I think those initial hours were a factor in this. I appreciate that some women would have coped, but I was not one and I'm angry that the person I needed most was not allowed to stay. My second labour was at a birth centre and he remained with me throughout and it was much better experience.

I was lucky in that I was on a 2 bed room. The other lady's husband and parents and friends were there all the time. I'm so glad we got some peace at night when they had to go home. I could have really done with more privacy to try and establish breastfeeding. I wanted to try sitting up in bed but there was no curtain so had to sit up and sit off to one side to give my back to them and try to get DD to feed. I know I shouldn't have cared and just got on with it but I did care. Also my baby was taken away to intensive care after 2 days so after the strain of being on the other ward in another part of the hospital that took ages to walk to, I could have done without the constant party at the next bed.

Thank goodness there were no partners overnight. Must say the nurses and facilities were really good though.

There were never enough staff on the ward to meet everyone's needs, so help from midwives was often hurried and took a long time to arrive.

that's where the problem is: inadequate staffing.
that and inadequate facilities.

I had a horrendous birth with my beautiful baby girl she ended up being born through forceps. I ended up with 2nd degree tear etc etc (the usual!!) my DH stayed with me in a private room. He fed our baby (I didn't produce any milk) he changed her and did everything to start with til I could move! He slept in a chair at the side of my bed and I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't stayed. I think the partner should be allowed to stay in private rooms.

Agree totally with assasinatedbeauty. I would have discharged myself rather than stay in a ward with strange men at a time when I was bleeding, barely able to move and establishing breastfeeding. It's a disgusting intrusion on women's spaces and a total subjugation of the needs of patients to those of the fit and well.

My hospital had a policy of kicking the fathers out at night, and I really wish he'd been able to stay. I'd been in labour for days, was so dehydrated I was on a drip, and had had a C-section so I was unsteady on my feet anyway. I barely saw any HCPs overnight, there didn't seem to be much in the way of checks, and it took ages for anyone to answer the buzzer, if anyone did at all. On one occasion the buzzer was replaced on the wall behind me where I couldn't reach it. How I managed to keep myself and a newborn alive during that first night I have no idea, but I do remember thinking that it was extremely unsafe to basically be left to fend for myself in the way that I was. I doubt I would have cared much about trying to breastfeed or go to the loo through the night with men there - I didn't care that much through the day when I was trying to do those things.

The problem was partly down to staffing problems I'm sure, but there also seemed to be this idea that the mother isn't really a patient and should just get on with it, because after all you'd have to once you got home. Not being able to walk steadily, or being exhausted and in shock, wasn't deemed an acceptable excuse. In an ideal world perhaps everyone would be properly looked after by staff and there'd be no need for partners on postnatal wards. But back in the real world, where post-natal care is so ridiculously poor (and unsafe), having your DH there can make a massive difference.

I don't think that the need some women have for their partners to be there should just be dismissed as due to inadequate staffing. It may be an issue for some, but for me at least I would have wanted my partner over 3 private nurses waiting on me and and foot. In those few days I needed my partner with me round the clock. That need was as tangible as another woman's need for privacy. There has to be a way that both needs can be met.

FWIW I would have been happy to pay for a private room but partners weren't allowed to stay on those either. But I don't think that partners being able to stay should be exclusive to those who can afford to pay.

I was very lucky. I had bad stitches and faint episodes and was scared at being alone overnight when my baby cried but the midwives in the hospital were fantastic. They did come, even if it took a while and they helped.

Of course I'd love dh to have been there but no, I don't think it's fair to have them. I think separate wards should be used and the men not allowed to sleep, or private rooms.

Dh told me he was glad to go home. If he hadn't slept he could never have safely driven us home.